Am I a real woman?

[Waterlily]

Hi.

I´m a 28 year old female, straight. I´m single and never had a bf, and never had intimate contact with anyone. These issues have been bothering me for some time.

All my life I´ve considered myself "the quiet intelligent girl in class", the one that never dates, the one that no boy finds attractive. When I was younger I went to parties and saw the people I was interested in dancing and kissing other girls... I am a reserved person and never shared my feelings with anyone.

Time passed and I lacked inner resources to deal with it, so I gradually started getting used to the fact that I was unattractive, so I didn´t really missed a male presense in my life. Nobody ever approached me in all this time and I didn´t care. I stopped going to discos and places where I could meet men because I was afraid of being rejected.

The thing is that I am beggining to question my position. I see my friends with their boyfriends, and start to wonder if I don´t deserve having someone to be with me. I´m feeling very lonely lately.

Nobody has ever been interested in me, and I feel incomplete and "crippled". I know that being desired shouldn´t be the goal of a life, but feeling it at least once in a while might make me feel good as it does to everyone.

I´m conscious that I need to change in order to have a decent heathy love life, but I´m having a hard time as this has been my personality for a long time.

I´ve read lots of articles on how to be more attractive, have put into practise some of the things ("smile as if you´re having a great time", "look into other people´s eyes" , flirt, "inspire confidence"), but I always feel like an artificial idiot, like I´m faking everything. I´m definetely not a bombshell or a big flirt.

I have no confidence whatsoever as a woman. I want to be touched, to feel loved and cared for, like anyone else.

What can I do to improve this?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well you don't necessarily have to be a bombshell, but maybe you should try a little of that 'fake it till you feel it' technique. Have a little more fun. Be a little more silly. Laugh and play. You can be a grown-up tomorrow. It won't hurt, huh?

[the yang to the worlds yin]

You don't have to be a bombshell to get a mans attention either. Next time you walk into a grocery store or something, just smile happily and give eye contact to the first guys you see. There, you just made an impression.

[ComputerGuy]

Seriously? You are the kind of girl I am attracted to - the intelligent quiet girl in class. Problem is, as you said, they don't date

 

There is nothing wrong with you and I know myself and a lot of other guys would love to meet a girl like you so cheer up and don't be so hard on yourself. As someone else said, you don't have to be a bombshell - just smile, you'd be amazed at what a smile can achieve.

[Stinkweed]

I am very sorry things have to be this way for you... I mean, you're probably a bright person, and you deserve so much more... It's not that you don't deserve it, it is perhaps that nobody deserves you. I think you need to be happier. Don't pretend, because, like you said, it'll feel artificial. I, myself, am feeling very down right now, so I know that smiling would be very fake. On the other hand, there have been occasion when it has been genuine. I've never had a girlfriend, and I've only asked 1 girl out in my life, I've only gotten 1 phone number (not the same girl... it was another girl who ended up ignoring me) and I've only felt REALLY attracted to like 2 girls in my whole life. I mean, sure the are plenty pretty girls, but if I were to ask them out, I wouldn't feel as attentive or sincere as I should... So, what I am trying to say is you could always try to be goofy and funny. It doesn't matter if you're "dorky"... I mean, I think there are many men who love that actually. I myself find smart girls really hot even if they're not wild outgoing and incredibly attractive. In fact, I pay little attention to the latter... I can see them as friend material, but I don't usually go for that type for some reason. And you sound a lot like the last girl I was genuinely attracted to, except she's already dating someone, lol. Now I don't know if I should bother looking for someone else, or should I just wait till college (*sigh* like 3 months thinking about all the chances missed... To make matters worse, I don't think I'll have much time for dating in college). In a nutshell: Take life more lighheartedly... Have a good time. I wish you the best of luck.

[quietgrl]

Hey i can relate to youe story.I'm a 36 year old virgin woman.I never had a boyfriend or went on a date.It's not my looks that is my problem.It's my views on sex and relationship.Most men i've came accross don't believe in sex with a committment.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Hey i can relate to youe story.I'm a 36 year old virgin woman.I never had a boyfriend or went on a date.It's not my looks that is my problem.It's my views on sex and relationship.Most men i've came accross don't believe in sex with a committment.

 

Hmmmmm.......Maybe you should talk to another poster here.......I believe his name was "Lansing"? ......who was saying he wanted to wait till marriage I believe....Sorry...... the matchmaker in me........Hope I'm not getting the names wrong!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Waterlily, I'm sorry you're down.

 

I can guarantee you're a woman. And a normal one at that. Not a lot of self confidence, but welcome to the REAL world of womanhood.

 

I know a lot of very attractive females and they all have self esteem issues. Just remember that next time you see women having a good time and laughing like the books say you should. Maybe they've read the same books for the same reason.

 

I have no idea what you actually look like but I bet its worse in your mind than how you come accross to other people.

 

What you can do?? There are a number of things but I suggest you talk to your girlfriends. Confide in them. Girls love to take on a "project." Get their adivce, have them do your hair, let them give you pointers, set you up, talk about the date afterward so they can coach you on stuff.

 

I know that sounds cheesey, but it works. Half of the stuff they tell you, you can toss right out, but some of it is really usable stuff.

 

Go to a dating site. Call a dating service. In your profile or description of yourself, be honest about your interests. You'll get a good match.

 

Self affirmations. They really do work. They feel silly as he** but if you start telling yourself good things about yourself, you WILL begin to feel and believe them.

 

Is there any feature you have that you like better than others? Like, as hard as it is to say, I have pretty eyes. Do you have something you like more than something else?

 

What about strengths? You're really good at.....??

 

Promote the heck out those things in your mind, in the mirror, etc. It will feel R I D I C U L O U S at first, but after a while, it will not only feel normal to tell yourself good things about yourself, but it will feel good. Seriously, try it.

[emptychipbag]

I'm a 25 year old guy and I can relate to you. Except that I've recently been having conversations with women I'm interested in and I'm getting much better at talking to them and not being nervous and pent up. But I still can't manage to try to initiate dates or even phone number exchanges,.. partially because I'm a loner who really can't be comfortable unless I'm physically alone in an area by myself. So although I'd love to have a romantic relationship with a woman,.. my loner nature would ruin it.

 

But just realize that there are guys out there just like you.

[CluelessGuy321]

Exact same age and situation as the poster above me.

 

 

As for the bombshell part, I like looking at very pretty women, but they're not what I usually aim for as after the looks are over, there's usually not much else. I'm pretty taken back when I meet a women who is kind, intelligent, and drop dead gorgeous.

 

Post a picture though. I'm sure we could all give you some advice.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I like looking at very pretty women, but they're not what I usually aim for as after the looks are over, there's usually not much else.

 

To be honest that sounds like a bit of a shallow statement, that could be quite hurtful to people who have been told they're pretty. It's not very nice to stereotype or to judge people by their looks.

[quietgrl]

Om my gosh.A guy i really liked was a loner and he wouldn't give me a chance because of that reason.I I really liked that man.

 

I'm a 25 year old guy and I can relate to you. Except that I've recently been having conversations with women I'm interested in and I'm getting much better at talking to them and not being nervous and pent up. But I still can't manage to try to initiate dates or even phone number exchanges,.. partially because I'm a loner who really can't be comfortable unless I'm physically alone in an area by myself. So although I'd love to have a romantic relationship with a woman,.. my loner nature would ruin it.

 

But just realize that there are guys out there just like you.

[quietgrl]

lansing huh.LOL

 

 

Hmmmmm.......Maybe you should talk to another poster here.......I believe his name was "Lansing"? ......who was saying he wanted to wait till marriage I believe....Sorry...... the matchmaker in me........Hope I'm not getting the names wrong!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

lansing huh.LOL

 

yeah girlfriend.....look him up...I'm pretty sure he was the poster who put up a thread about wanting to wait till marriage....sorry if I have the wrong username but i think that was it.......hey maybe we could start a little matchmaking thing.....

[quietgrl]

LOL. I'll check out the thread

[Cadence308]

Well, there are similarities between the poster's story and my own. I'm also 28 years old. I've been on many dates and had many kisses and a few make out sessions here and there. I am still a virgin and just have serious fears of intimacy, rejection, and sex, in general. I can relate to you about not feeling confident and attractive. I haven't ever really had a boyfriend since I was like 15 years old. A lot of my fears and problems with getting involved in a relationship with a man is because I'm a lesbian.

 

It really sounds like discos and night clubs are not going to be the best places for you to meet your type of person that you would date. They were never my type, either. Have you thought of joining a book club or some other organization like a volunteer organization? These are pretty social things where you could meet people of similar interests and open up the possibility of meeting someone to date?

 

Have you considered online dating? It's a cheap, easy way to meet people that you wouldn't normally meet in your day to day activities. It's also not face to face so it would eliminate most of the fears of rejection.

 

Of course you deserve to be touched and have an intimate relationship if that's what you choose.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes, Ballys is right, nothing wrong with meeting people from on-line. And also, there have been times I've been asked out at places you might not think of.... like....the golf course? or the Bookstore, even the gas station....so go out there and live your life and pursue your interests. You said you're smart do you like to read? I am into Sci Fi, certain genres of it quite a bit....I've had cute fellow sci fi nerds hit on me there...

[yeawutever]

Just just act naturalkly and don't prewtend to act something you're not. (Druni right now, sorry about misepeelings)

[sir sirloin]

Try online dating, the ratio is remakably favorable for women. You will have your pick of dozens less than desirable men!

 

One I like is link removed because it is free and the tests are cool even if you don't do the dating thing.