what's wrong with him?

[neecee41]

hi, i'm new here and i need someone advice on this matter that i have.my boyfriend won't spend time with me? i don't even know if i should call him my boyfriend. he's always busy working,if he's not working he's sleeping.which i'm glad he's a hardworking man. i know people gotta work to make a living and all, but can't he just take some time to call or come by to see me. i don't get to see him very much, but when i do see him, he tells me how much he misses me. if he misses me so much, then why does it takes so long for me to see or hear from him . i just don't understand that. we've been together now for over six months and i just angry that i can't see him more. when we are together he gives me all the attention i want ,he's very loving with me.but once he leaves me, i get so sad because i know it will be like weeks before i see him again. i have ask him how he feels about me, he seems like he loves me, but he seems like he is afraid to tell me. he is a shy person, i don't know if that has anything to do with it. i really care for this man, i think he is a wonderful person, but i also think he has some serious issue going on with him. what's bothering me is that we don't spend time togehter, and then on top of all of this, his cell phone got turn off please give me some advice

[annie24]

hi - welcome to eNotalone.

 

have you talked to him that you would like to spend more time together? what does he say in response to this?

[Tigris]

You need to talk to him and tell him you want to spend more time with him.

 

Good luck

[neecee41]

yes, i told him, i feel we don't have nothing together if we aren't spending time with one another. he looked shocked when i told him that, as if a saddness came on his face. he can be stubborn as well, it's like he does what he wants to do,and when he wants. but like i said he seems to have feelings for me. i know he las felings for me.

[Tigris]

How old are you two?

[neecee41]

hey, to answer your question tigris, I'm 40 and he's 28..

[Tigris]

Go for a walk somewhere peaceful or sit in the car near the beach (don't know where you live so I don't know what season it is?) and have a long uninterrupted talk and explain what you want and give him time to tell you what he wants.

 

I think he could be inexperienced where relationships are concerned. It sounds like he needs to be guided a bit. I hope you know what I mean?

 

Good luck

[neecee41]

thanks so much for everyone advice, tigris your right i need to sit down and have a good long talk with him, i was wondering if what he needed was a little guidance. i do have strong feelings for him and i know this can work for us. he just has to put more effort if he want this to work.i told him that we can end it, if that's what he wanted, but he doesn't want it to end with us. maybe he's just under alot of stress right now with work.

[Tigris]

Please let us know how you get on.

[Aschleigh]

One possible idea is to really think about if it's ok for you to have a relationship with someone who is ok with seeing you once every several weeks. If you want something more, which it seems you do, than maybe looking for someone who is also wanting that would be a good idea.

What is the ideal amount of time to spend together for you?

I would like to spend 5 days a week with my boyfriend if not 7.

He would be ok with 2. We spend 3 days a week together usually. Sometimes more if more is going on. Relationships are about compromise. Is he willing to take into account your feelings and compromise somewhat?

[SheWolf]

Hello, I was in a relationship a lot like that. I had a bf that lived an hour away, and he never once visited me. If I wanted to see him I had to visit. But this guy wasn't working, no, he was mostly at his friends house. What I'm trying to say is our relationship only lasted eight months but if I had had the guts to end it sooner it would have only lasted about six. Your man might be better than my ex was, and that's your opinion but I suffer from depression when I can't be around my man and so I knew I had to end it because I just couldn't bear it any longer.

[kanifia1]

one possible idea i think you might need to think about is that is it possible your boyfriend is cheating on you?

[butterflies]

same thing happened to me like shewolfs. the guy i was seeing before never been to my place even once. i should be the one to go to his place if we're going to see each other. but he ws working and been very busy. So i didn't mind. another reason was we have different work time schedules. he's free when i'm at work and i'm free when he's at work. he seldom calls me and when i call him he seldom answers because his reason was 'He's BUSY'. i didn't give up so fast becuz we were so much into each other. i never complained when he's with his friends or playing sports on his free time becuz i wanted us to have time for ourselves too. it lasted 2 years (Gosh! that was long...!! ). we did have some arguments, but nothing big (becuz i don't easily get mad, but easily forgive and maybe forget) i stayed that way by not seeing other man while he can't. he slept with other girl/s without telling me, i found out myself (i'm no dectective/spy). maybe of some small details that he wasn't aware of. i was so hurt becuz i was doing my best to work this thing out and planned to change my job with normal working time( but it's not for him, it's for me...i didn't like my job before). he was immature by then. all he think was work and party.

 

so i dated other men until i found my now boyfriend. he can manage to keep in touch with me although he's far. and this ex-guy suddenly grown up and become mature. he suddenly changed after i am with somebody else. so i think sometimes we realise something/one is special at the end. it's not ours anymore. but we can't turn back time.

 

so talk to him and see if there's any changes after the talk. don't be fool by his words. look for some actions like small details that makes you think he's trying to work it out. if not, just move on. don't waste your time thinking both of you like each other... this will only stop you from moving on. it may hurt but i'm sure you can deal with it. you'll find other guy who is much much better or maybe the best!

[assumeLove]

What's wrong with him? Nothing. He's behaving in one of the many ways men can quite normally behave in a relationship. This is the sort of relationship he wants. Is it the sort you want? If not, you need a different man.

[neecee41]

update for those who responded, and thanks so much for all your comments. i was just about to give up on him, when suddenly out of the blue sky he called me about two weeks ago,his phone is back on again.he came over to visit me, we talked and things have become much better,communication is so important in any relationship.he said he has been slack in giving me attention and he promise to do better he saids he doesn't want to give up on us.since then,we've been spending more time together,and also talking on the phone more we spent last saturday together at his place and it was beautiful .we're planning to spend memorial day together, and he seems very excited about that. it's gonna work out for us.

[Tigris]

I'm pleased that things are working out better for you.

[JustNormal]

If the guy is 40 and single, he isn't going to be as aggressive as a young pup your age. And he isn't going to expect his g/f to be as needy as you are. You may have too large of an age gap. Date somebody within your decade if you don't like the maturity level that he's on. High maintenance is really not an option unless he independently wealthy and retired.

 

The thing is, with the talk of compromise, it will not be getting any better unless he changes his career. And that ain't happening at 40 unless he's a very clever man.

 

So, realistically, you will have to get used to disappointment or else find somebody that can spend more time with you. Retired people have lots of time- so a 60 year old guy might work. Or perhaps a younger guy your age would work since he isn't entrenched in his work until he dies. No solution here unless one of your changes. And change doesn't typically happen with older gentlemen.

[neecee41]

he's doing it again to me,i have not heard from him in almost two weeks now. i decided not to call him during that time, but i caved in tonight and allowed my fingers to dial his number](*,) .he was on the phone talking to his mom,when i had called, said he would call back.no call yet, that was over 45 minutes ago. i was trying to go no contact,but i have let myself down once again,cause i keep getting sucked back into him all over again.i give up on this love thing, it's just not for me. this thing is breaking my heart so badly i just want to hear him say he doesn't want us again,so i can find closure. i'm just gonna get myself drunk

[annie24]

drinking isn't the way to go about this....

 

time to go no contact, and find the closure you need for yourself...

[Tigris]

I agree with Annie that drinking won't solve the problem.

 

Don't wait for him to finish the relationship do it yourself and move on. You deserve someone better.

 

Good luck

[neecee41]

thanks, and i'm okay just really sad . it's hard to let this go.i really cared for this man. how can he just walk away like that,without a word ? he is such a coward to leave me in limbo this way.why can't he just say it's over.i know all men aren't this way,but why are a lot of them so confused as to what they want? i wish this was just a bad headache and all i have to do is take some medicine to feel better, but this is my heart that is aching , how do i heal this? love is suppose to make you feel wonderful inside, instead it feels like crap to me.