This is the first time I miss him--1 year later

[Akua]

I knew he wasn't good for me, and I was more unhappy in the relationship than him. But I put tons of effort in the relationship bc I thought I wasn't doing enough. Truth is, I never got anything out of the relationship. But one day he wanted out which was a thought that never crossed my mind even dururing all the times he messed up. It kinda opened my mind and I let him go. Actually, once we decided it was over, I realized how badly he treated me and did NC immediately.

He contacted me at least monthly for the first 6 months and I didn't respond. Finally I picked up the phone. We talked, but I didn't hear what I needed to, not even enough to want to be friends with him. Still tried to contact me monthly after that.

The day after valentines day I receive and email with pictures of him on trip sent to his small group of friends. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I sent him an email to not contact me anymore because, again, it's just never right the way he contacts me. He never says "i'm sorry for what happened" or "I want to talk about it all" or "why I am still trying to contact you". It's more like "do you have a bf" or "i want to see you" or a random email sent to a group of people to remind me he exists. It's like he wants to play with my head. Now you see why I needded this breakup. Maybe him contacting me but not saying anything substantial is his way of trying to make amends? Or does he just want to use me?

So I haven't heard from him since I told him not to contact me. Maybe I have gotten over my anger, but for the first time I miss him. It's not like I miss him in the sense that I am mourning our break up, but I miss his smell, or the things we joked about. I wonder what he is doing. If he thinks about me, if I made a mistake a letting him just walk out.

A year later, and I have been on casual dates. Guys like me and ask me out, but I am not interested or maybe more afraid. Perhaps I am just lonely and will get over this if I fall in love with someone else? My friends say that I miss being with someone and it's not that I miss my ex, and that I am forgetting how upset he made me feel and how badly I was treated.

Why do I miss him now? Why am I forgiving him for stringing me along and treatingme the way he did? Why can't I just trust someone to date? Maybe I just don't trust myself or I am afraid of finding out I am the cause of how badly I was treated. Will I reallly be over him if I fall in love again? Maybe it is just really bothering because I realize I told him to not contact me, and this time he is listening to me (before he kept contacting me once a month). Is it because I am getting to the year mark of it all? I feel like the weather/summer reminds me of last summer when I was heart broken. Most people are reminded of their relationship when they walk by their favorite restaurant. I am reminded by the summertime of how heart broken I felt, and for whatever sick reason that makes me think I miss my ex. I get along and I am happy and I go to parties with guys making me feel great, but I am still alone and I have him stuck in my head. How do I make it go away? I am happy I am not angry anymore, but with the anger gone it emphasizes how much I still love him. ugh, please tell me this will go away soon. I have made such progress and learned so much. I don't want to feel this way. not now. I want to move on and know that when I am with someone else I won't be thinking of him. Please tell me that will happen.

[FCTex]

It will move on, I can almost promise you that..

 

However, I can't promise that you'll be with someone, and not think of him..

 

He made a mark on your life, be it a bad one, or a good one, you DO have memories of him. Just as you've said honey, the littlest thing can remind you of him, and thats ok.

 

Let the summertime remind you. Remind you of the good times. Remind you of WHO YOU ARE. You are YOU.

 

Your relationship with him, shaped you. It influenced you, and made you feel the way you feel now. It hurts, I know.. The pain you feel is the only pain someone who's been brokenhearted can feel and relate too. It's the only pain we have, that we can't take a pill for(yet!).

 

Your scared to get hurt is all it is. Your scared to let someone close to you, yet you hate to not have someone there.

 

I'm the same way.. I don't want anyone really close to me, and even though I have a girlfriend of 6 months, and it's been 9 months since my break up I believe, I still think of her. I can go months without contact, and it hits me like a semi-truck. I can be happy, go out with my girlfriend, go out with friends, I can do it all just about and be fine, but when I'm alone at night, sometimes, she's on my mind..

 

In the end hun, your going to live. It'll pass with some time, and with the right person. You'll find a friend, a co-worker, a stranger.. Anyone, and in that instant, in that moment, something will change with you. You'll take a risk and put your heart and your soul back out on the line, and you'll close your eyes and wince at the passing of someone, hoping you don't get hurt again... And that my dear, is how we love..

 

You will be okay, and you will smile, because you can and will love again, and in the end, you might think of him fondly.. and you'll smile and keep walking.

[Listen2urHart]

I know the feelings...I broke up with my ex after 2 1/2 years...and didnt give a crap about him til 6 months later...and when I wanted him back he didnt care as much anymore...it sucked, but we have still been working on fixing things..and just recently we've had some major problems, and I wonder why do I wait around for this?? But I cant help it...its like a comfort thing I guess?? And Im scared to be with anyone else..or to move on. And I feel like it will never change. I know how ya feel hun! Was he your first true love?? 3

[Akua]

Thank you for the advice. I needed that. Sometimes you just get in a rut. I have to remember how far I've come and love all the things I have learned.

 

After a year of contemplation, I wouldn't say it was true love, but he was the first person I have let so closely in my life like that and gave myself entirely to him and I thought I loved him. In retrospect I will never do that again. I might have been selfless for him, but love begins with a little bit of loving yourself and self respect. I least I have learned that much.

 

I don't know if I miss him but I do hurt. I have hurt since the day we broke up. It broke my heart so bad: fight or flight. I just ran away from dealing with it all. NOt sleeping and clots of crying. I have moved WAY passed that (and I think that is normal in the break up process). But everyday I think of him in some sort of way. Some time I try to email around to find out what he is doing. The thing is at the same time I wonder why I would do that because if we got back together no matter how hard I try it would still be the same. I have got to remember that.

 

And I want those to know who just broke up with someone that NC is great and having a goal and plan and an idea of what your self worth is all you need to get yourself together. I am really proud of that. It's kinda like a game. You can sit around and be sad or you can use that energy and go do something new by yourself. I did it, there were days I cried and there were days I couldn't get over how great being single was/is. I feel not only happy but better than I did before I was with him and certainly better than when I was with him. I think healing is a proactive thing you have to work hard at.

 

But I just feel like in the effort I have put in so far, you would think I would have moved mountains forward. Many parts of my life have changed to be dramatically better, because I did what was best for me. I know this is not about him. I know it is my being afraid. And I know if he popped in my life right now I would still walk away because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. AND I DESERVE AN APOLOGY AND BETTER THAN HIM! But some days, I am alone and I wonder why and why all my effort to do exactly what he wanted and completely be selfless was not good enough for someone not that great. NOw that I know this, I am just scared I am going to go to the extreme and be a jerk to a really great guy.

 

What is it? "Can't Hurry Love". So times I have to quietly sing that to myself to remind myself I am young and there is more than just that. And I am just going to have a great time. I can't lose the great moments I could make having fun because I keep wondering about him. I've done the best I could do and acceptance is my new learning pahse I guess.