Dating someone, but he wants me back?

[comppackage]

My ex of 3 months emailed me telling me that he wants to get back together and thinks about me all the time... now that he has been away from me, he says he knows that he was just scared and freaked out by the commitment but knows that we are meant to be... he was very selfish right after the break up and kept me hanging on a string for a few weeks...

 

Also, he is dating someone right now...

 

I still love him, and would give it another chance, but how could it ever work? Obviously, he would have to get rid of this girl, but could I ever trust him again? I am so torn and confused right now. He is suppossed to call me tonight, but I don't even know if I am making a mistake by giving him that opportunity! Am I crazy? I just feel like I need to hear him out...

 

Please help!

[majord23]

Do NOT commit yourself to ANYTHING while he is dating someone. Do not even indicate that you want him back.

 

If he asks, tell him that it's an inappropriate question for him to ask whilst he is dating someone, and that he should ask you when/if he is single. He should make that step before seeking you out.

 

His new relationship may not be running as smoothly as he had hoped and he might be seeing if you're still 'there for him' if he wants you. If he is genuine about wanting a second chance, then he must break up with the girl and THEN see if you want him back. If not, it looks like he is willing to use you as his 'back-up'.

 

If an ex came back to me (regardless of whether I wanted them back or not), I would be FAR more impressed if they said:

"I realised that I still love you, I've ended my relationship - do you want me back?"

rather than.

"I still love you, I am still seeing someone else...if you want me back, I'll dump them".

 

The first tells me that even though I don't know why their r/s ended, they are at least going out on a limb to get another chance. The second simply means that they have options - to be with the one that will have them. And that isn't a good start.....

[xblondyx]

Hmmm.....hard one.

Well, i can see that there is two sides here. Get back together which could end up with you hurting again, or not getting back together and you could be missing out on a great love.

 

Go with your heart, if you think that everything would be ok, go for it. If you think he will just break your heart again, leave him, don't look back.

 

He obviously broke up with you for a reason, if he really loved you then he wouldn't have broken up with you would he? He wouldn't do anything to lose you...Plus he's with someone else! Maybe things are going bad with her so he's making you his back up. You don't deserve this! I know you may love him, but are you sure he does love you and want you back?

 

Normally, it's best if you don't look back, move on, move forward with your life and find someone better.

[comppackage]

I totally agree... What if he says he will break up with her? then what? Is it ok for someone to realize that they miss their ex only after they are with someone else?? i'm not sure how I feel about that either.

[comppackage]

xblondyx,

 

We broke up becuase he is afraid of commitment, he had a terrible childhood and went through a terrible break up with his ex fiance

[comppackage]

Maybe things are going bad with her so he's making you his back up. You don't deserve this! I know you may love him, but are you sure he does love you and want you back?

Can I say this to him?

[RayKay]

Um...my guess is he is keeping his options open. If he was a decent man, he would not be holding on to this other girl while telling you this. If he really was true, he would end it with her then concentrate on regaining your trust.

 

I think he is selfish and immature, so he does not want to make a commitment to you, but does not want you to move on to something better either. Yuck.

 

Tell him you don't want to hear it, out of respect for his girlfriend and you think that if he was serious, he would show it seriously (aka by ending things with his partner first).

[youngmaturity]

first off if your unsure of a relationship dont just jump into it. especially after not seeing him for all this time. dont show any anticipation to seeing him. have you been happy without him? or do you feel like you really need him. rushing into this may not be such a good idea. dont get your hopes up and just talk for a bit. maybe try out friendship before you jump right back into something. play it by ear for a bit relax take it easy. its natural to worry about these things. everyone in your situation would have the same thoughts. remember to think things through because right now you may be thinking of doing things based on your emotions. i dont want you to take my advice to seriosly. 1 because i myself am going through a rougph time in my life that is affecting my thinking process. and 2 i can trust my own advice and its worked for many other people in the past(though not on here im new to this forum) but im only 16 and am taken less seriosly for it.

[beanpaper]

It doesn't sound like he's worth taking back, but perhaps it can't hurt to hear what he has to say.

[majord23]

Maybe things are going bad with her so he's making you his back up. You don't deserve this! I know you may love him, but are you sure he does love you and want you back?

 

Can I say this to him?

 

I wouldn't. I would just avoid giving him an answer....again, tell him that it's inappropriate to ask you back while he is seeing someone else. And do not deviate from that - refuse to give him an answer point blank.

 

Tell him to give you a call if/when he is single. And leave it at that - the next move is then his.

 

As always, actions speak louder than words. If he loves you and wants you back, he will leave the other girl in a heartbeat to have a chance with you - even if that means risking his own heart in the process.

 

If you agree to take him back while he is still with someone else, thn he has risked absolutely NOTHING. And you look more like someone who will tolerate any type of behaviour from him.

[comppackage]

Um...my guess is he is keeping his options open. If he was a decent man, he would not be holding on to this other girl while telling you this. If he really was true, he would end it with her then concentrate on regaining your trust.

So being with this girl has not made him realize that I am the one for him and that he loves me?

[RayKay]

Um...my guess is he is keeping his options open. If he was a decent man, he would not be holding on to this other girl while telling you this. If he really was true, he would end it with her then concentrate on regaining your trust.

 

So being with this girl has not made him realize that I am the one for him and that he loves me?

 

If he had, he would not still be with her. It's not fair to you OR her.

[comppackage]

I would never get back with him/see him while he is still with her, but is it ok to talk to him? just this one time?

[majord23]

 

So being with this girl has not made him realize that I am the one for him and that he loves me?

 

Maybe it has, but why is he still with her if he wants you back?

 

Surely breaking up with her and THEN asking you for another chance would suggest that he is totally committed to getting you back?

[comppackage]

yes, majord23k, you are right... so can i ask him if he is willing to do that? and if he does break it off with her, then see what other actions he takes? you are right, actions speak louder than words

[comppackage]

Oh, he said he is with her becuase he thought I would never take him back and that he thought it was too late. (this was yesterday)

[majord23]

I wouldn't *ask* him if he is willing to do it, you shouldn't even indicate that you are thinking about taking him back at all. He is with someone else...simple as that.

 

If he asks you back, or wants to talk about your feelings towards him, just tell him that you can't even think about it or him because he is with *someone else*.

 

Even he throws a hypothetical your way, ie "If I dump her, will you take me back?". Tell him that you don't 'do' hypothetical situations - and that you would have to evaluate the situation if that *actual* situation was presented to you.

 

Do not give him ANY satisfaction - whether he genuinely wants you back or not, at the *moment* he is after a bit of security - do not give him ANY until his actions suggest that his words are sincere.

[RayKay]

Absolutely agree with majord.

 

It's easy to say "I want this" when you have a backup, or when you don't really have anything to lose.

 

If he really *is* afraid of commitment, he will want to know he has a fall back (you) while with someone else even, so he needs to PROVE he is genuine before you even CONSIDER taking him back.

[majord23]

Oh, he said he is with her becuase he thought I would never take him back and that he thought it was too late. (this was yesterday)

 

Words compackage....just words.

[comppackage]

Ok, but if he does break it off with her and still wants to pursue me, is it genuine?

[majord23]

Possibly comp, BUT remember when I said to tell him that you don't 'do' hypothetical situations?

Well that applies to you as well....don't 'do' them.

 

Wait and see what steps he takes to SHOW you that he is genuine. And then evaluate what he *has* done, not what he *might* do.

 

You should have a good indication of how sincere he is soon enough, just wait and see.