He pushes me away coz he's scared of getting hurt

[Karibo]

There was a guy I was seeing about a year and a half ago who was incredibly scared of getting hurt, so although he really liked me, I think he thought he liked me too much to get close to me. He told me that his ex's had cheated on him and he got really hurt. Basically he would want to be with me, but whenever things got too good and we got too close, he would push me away again to protect himself.

 

Well, I had enough one day and walked out of the relationship (a year and a half ago) but in all that time we have still really wanted each other and he has always tried to get me back again.

 

Well we met up a couple of weeks ago and it was lovely and he said that 'it's now time for him to grow up and give our relationship a proper go'. I think he has realised over our time apart how much he does really want me.

 

Well we chatted more than ever about our lives (before he'd kept us at arms length by not discussing our lives etc) but then i text him the other day, and he replied asking

 

"who is this?" so he'd obviously deleted my number (to try and stop himself from getting too close again). I said it was me and that i was upsdet that he'd deleted my number.

 

The next day he text me with some excuse that he'd "lost" my number, then was asking about my day as if the whole deleting number thing had never happened, like now he was back to thinking, no I can't lose her.

 

To be honest, in the past relationship we had I was incredibly clingy and tried to force us to get together, so I'm not surprised if he still assumes i will be like this again, but I have changed alot and am no longer clingy anymore at all.

 

I know this guy really likes me (he told me he loved me two weeks ago) and I really like him, but we are both scared of being vulnerable and getting too close.

 

How can I open him up and reassure him not to be so scared? The more he has feelings for me the more he pushes me away. However, I have noticed that he is far more willing to get closer to me if I'm the one who is keeping some of the distance.

 

How can I help him let me in and be open to feeling more vulnerable?

 

Thanks

[Batya33]

My humble opinion - here is the best way to "help" him. Say: I notice that you're doing the same pattern you did the last time and here is what I suggest. Please don't contact me for at least 3 months. Let's see if you miss me and if so, how much. At the end of three months you can contact me if and only if you want an exclusive relationship with me.

 

You cannot help him, is the answer - watch what he does not what he says. I do agree that you may have been too clingy but that was likely your reaction to him being emotionally unavailable. Only he can help himself and it might occur to him to do so if you are not in his life at all and he realizes he misses you.

[kellbell]

He is bringing old baggage from a previous relationship and making you "pay" for it. It is totally not fair. His behavior is facilitating your "clingy" behavior. So I would tell him straight up, "either you are with me or you are not." And if he gives you the run around, I would say thanks but no thanks. Seriously. So it is your fault, that he is scared of getting hurt? Why do you have to pay an emotional price for it? There are plenty of other guys whom are travelling light and would be happy to be with you...instead of playing this push/pull game. Good luck and take care.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally I wouldn't go back to this relationship. It will be the same thing over again, and you don't want or deserve that. There's just no point in doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

[stolenshadow]

I'm concerned he could want you when he knows you are not available, and as soon as he feels he has you he loses interest.

 

If he's not willing to be with you at a 100% then leave him, otherwise he'll keep stringing you along with all sorts of excuses.