Confused...........

[alteer]

Ok any feedback would be appreciated. Especially from guys.........

 

Here's my story (apologies if it goes on and on.... ).....I'm 32 and was in the best relationship ever with a 34 yr old guy for 2 1/2 yrs. He called me everyday, sometimes more than once, as well as txt messages. He took me out, we went away a couple of times, he bought me expensive gifts, and treated me really well. I have been with guys that tell you they care and never show it.....but this guy really showed it and I thought he was the one.

 

He continued calling me everyday right up until 2 weeks ago when I just didn't hear from him.....which I put down to him being busy. So the second day I still hadn't heard from him I tried calling him and he didn't answer, I sent him a message. No reply. I'm thinking....well this is weird. The next day I tried again and still nothing. I was seriously worried about him by this stage and thought he was lying in a morgue somewhere and because my phone number had recently changed I thought...' * * * * his family probably don't have my new number and can't let me know'. So I went to his house, and, well was kinda shocked when he answered the door.

 

He looked at me, put his head in his hands and started to say 'look I've been thinking about us and'......I didn't let him finish I just walked out. Anyway the next night I took some things of his that I had at my house, gave them to him and left. I said nothing and all he could say was sorry.

 

A couple of days later his sister rang me to see how I was. He told her that we had split up and how he handled it......and she was so pissed at him she threw him out of her house.

 

Anyway I eventually spoke to him last week because I had no idea what happened and I needed to know. I called him and he pretty upset when he started to explain. You see, a few months back I brought up the subject of marriage and kids. I hadn't intended to pressure him or anything I just wanted to know where I stood in the relationship. I can seriously hear the clock ticking........it sucks being a woman.

 

And basically this hole conversation freaked him out so he did the bolt. He said that he thought he could take it further but the more he thought about it the more freaked out he became. Of course I'm crying and being pathetic....I didn't beg but still. So I said 'ok well I guess that's it so let's just say goodbye'. Then he says 'well how about I just say goodNIGHT, I need some time so maybe I'll call you in a few weeks'.

 

What the hell does that mean??!!

 

Anyway I'm absolutely devastated. Stand stand crying anymore.....have never been dumped before. Usually I can tell when things start to go wrong and I'm outta there. But this time I just had no clue. He was planning things down the track. Like going on a holiday overseas next year!! What the!!

 

Ok think I've ranted enough.....any suggestions.....hell anything would be great.

[Siriana]

Immature jerk! That's all I have to say. Unbelievable. I'm pissed off too right now. He hasn't even tought about talking to you first about the things he's worried about.

Don't wast your time. If he's gona bail out everytime when it isn't all roses, you don't need that. I think you were right talking about the future of your relationship because you want marriage and children and you're not 20. It's better to find out sooner than later what he wants than waiting endlesly on him to mention the toppic.

Let's see what will be in several weeks?

[angela1234]

Sorry I'm not a guy. I just want to tell you I really think this guy likes you. You just need to give him time.

 

You are used to a relationship where u guys were calling each other everyday, but let me tell you that this is not always the case in a relationship and doesn't mean the relationship isn't working.

 

They say when u really love someone u should let them go and if they really love you they will come back to u..And that's u should do my dear. It's hard I know.

 

Ok he's afraid of commitment. Most men are anyway. The others are just exceptions. He will be on his own now. He will have time to think. He will realize what he had with u the luck he had and if he really likes u he will be back.

 

U have to get used to being on ur own too cauz even if u r in a relationship u r still always alone. You are born alone and die alone and no matter how much another man loves u u r still alone in this world. I think this might even do good to u cauz let me tell u that the calling each other everyday is not alway good.

 

Even if a month or two go by without u getting any news from him do u seriously think u won't be on his mind? It's not always how much a person calls or talks to u that counts, but how much they care.

 

He says he needs time and u gotta respect that. Patience is a virtue. U must trust life. Everything happens for a reason and as much as u may be devastated right now this might do u good also more than u think.

 

Good luck

[itsallgrand]

Hmm. Well, I'm sorry you are going through this. Talk about confusing and painful.

 

On the one hand, I see this as a good thing. what?! Well, he has thought far enough into the future and cares about you enough that he took what you said to heart.

 

Do you want marriage and a family? Were you clear? It seems he believes that is what you want, so I hope that is true. And it was totally good that you mentioned it. You need to know if this is going anywhere and if this is a match for you. No marriage, no children ever, is a deal breaker for many people. Makes sense to me.

 

On the other hand: he freaked out and took off. That was not the most mature move, for sure. I would be hurt too!!

 

It seems to me that you both care about each other a lot. Now is when the two of you find out if you want the same things down the road.

 

Hang in there and take care of you right now. sending you good vibes.

[alteer]

Thankyou for your replies. It helps to put things into perspective.

 

I know he does care about me......he even told me that when I spoke to him......which in some ways makes it even more confusing. If you care about someone so much why put them and yourself through this?! I don't get it.

 

He has never told me he loves me, but that was never a problem for me because he showed it in so many ways. And the L word is one that I never used either.....mainly because I believe it is over rated and people use it so often when they don't really mean it....and actions speak louder anyway. I've been in relationships where guys have told me love me before and treated me like utter crap.

 

Marriage and children is something I definitely want. Although I've never brought those subjects up with anyone before, because I could never really picture myself spending the rest of my life with anyone before. He was the first. If I wanted to just settle I'd be married with kids by now....and miserable. But I'm not willing to settle. And it's not like I brought this up with him because I want to get married tomorrow!

 

The thing is that this is the longest relationship he's ever been in and he has never lived with anyone before.

 

I'm willing to give him as much time as he needs. And am definitely not going to contact him, although I want to so badly. When something funny comes up at work, or whatever, I forget and think 'oh god I can't wait to tell him that' but of course I can't and then I get sad.

 

I seriously wish I could hate him though. It would make this easier. I don't like how he handled this situation. But I can't hate him.

 

That's what sucks

[zpivat]

Hi alteer,

 

I myself seem to be 10 years younger than you, so I don't know if I'm in a good position to advise you, but all I can tell you is that this is not your fault at all, and you really should not feel sad *hugssss*. I can see that your boyfriend freaked out because you touched the subjects about marriage and kids; well at least there are clues now as to why he suddenly disappeared like that. I, as a matter of fact, am going through a similar situation as you, except that I know much less than you do. I just HATE it when people disappear without even telling any reasons AT ALL.

 

I thought I was being unreasonable, but my eyes were opened when itsallgrand told you that he's being immature by just freaking out and taking off like that!

 

I know that if a girl told me anything about marriage/kids, I would not just run away like that if I weren't ready. I'd just talk to her about it in a very comfortable and respectful manner, preferably with some delicious cakes, to make sure she's as comfortable as possible...

 

So please don't cry (well ok you can, but don't let him know), and don't show him your sadness for it will just give him ego boost. People like this have to be taught a lesson! I sincerely wish the best for you and him, and God bless you.

[alteer]

Thanks for the hugs and all the good vibes. Trying not to cry as much. But I tell you what I just can't stand the pain. It's a horrible, horrible feeling that I just wish would go away. I would really love to just wake up tomorrow and have it all just dissappear. Wishful thinking I know. Time, time, time.