What in the world!?

[Yowser_76]

I have a question for you all about my ex's recent behaviour? I'm completely baffled.

 

To give you a brief history I was with my ex for four years, we lived together and I loved him deeply. We broke up about eighteen months ago (it was fairly mutual) and agreed to stay friends. Things were ok at first but after a while my ex started to change. He'd do things like make plans with me then just not show up or call. When I'd question him he'd get angry say nasty things. It eventually reached the point where he became emotionally abusive...no matter what I did he was just cruel to me. Especially if I pushed at all. He'd tell me things like how worthless I was, and he was embarrassed to be seen with me etc. It was pretty obvious that he thought I was trying to pressure him into getting back together even though that wasn't my intention. Needless to say the impact of all this on me was devastating, and eventually I hit rock bottom and we cut contact. We've barely spoken or seen each other since November.

 

He started seeing someone else in about August...I didn't know about it for a while even though we were still sleeping together. She was here for a while but is actually from Scotland. They're still together but so far she's broken up with him twice. His friends don't like her, they think she treats him like crap and say that all they do is fight. So needless to say I was pretty stunned when I found out that he is now moving to Scotland with her for a year. He's selling the house we shared, his car, giving up his job...everything.

 

I thought about things for a while and realised that I do still care about him deeply and that I truly wished we could be friends. I missed having contact with him. I was also worried about him because even though he has a lot of mates he doesn't have a lot of true friends. He's about to do something huge with his life and I wanted him to know that I would be here for him if he ever needed a friend. So, I went and saw him and told him that I wished things were different and that I hoped we could patch up our friendship a bit before he left. He told me he needed time to think and I agreed.

 

Fast forward a week and unexpectedly my ex turns up on my doorstep at 9am. He'd been out drinking all night and said he needed to talk to me. He told me that he misses me and cares about me but doesn't think we can be friends cos he can't stop thinking about me sexually, even when she's around. He kept telling me how much in love he is with his new girlfriend and he said that he knows if I'm around he'll end up cheating on her. He also said that she hates me because she knows that I'm a weakness for him. It was so weird!! One minute he'd be telling me how much he loves her and the next he'd be saying that he can't stop thinking about me. He even went as far as to say that he thinks things will be better when they're in Scotland because when he's here he knows I'm not far away, but once he's there we'll be in different countries I also noticed that every time he mentioned her name he'd follow it up with "I love her so much", and after a while I began to wonder if he was trying to convince me or himself?

 

That was a week ago and even though we agreed to talk this week I haven't seen him and every time I've contacted him he's told me he's too busy. I'm not in love with this guy right now, although I can't rule out ever wanting to be with him again, but I do care about him deeply. I don't understand what's going on with him at all and I'm worried that he's going to go chasing after this girl and end up losing everything.

 

Can anyone offer any insight on what they think is happening here? Please, I'd really appreciate any opinions.

[itsallgrand]

I want to get this straight first:

Were you sleeping with him after you broke up,

and he was sleeping/seeing this woman from Scotland (without telling you)

and also treating you like crap?

[Yowser_76]

I want to get this straight first:

Were you sleeping with him after you broke up,

and he was sleeping/seeing this woman from Scotland (without telling you)

and also treating you like crap?

Unfortunately, It's yes to all of the above.

 

I was his doormat for a long time before I found the strength to get away from him. I'm not proud of it. I also know I shouldn't care about him at all after the way he treated me but I do. We were together for a long time and he was never like this before.

[beanpaper]

I'm worried that he's going to go chasing after this girl and end up losing everything.

It sounds like he could use that kind of kick in the butt.

[itsallgrand]

Ok. Thanks. I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

 

I have a question for you all about my ex's recent behaviour?

 

I'm not in love with this guy right now, although I can't rule out ever wanting to be with him again, but I do care about him deeply. I don't understand what's going on with him at all and I'm worried that he's going to go chasing after this girl and end up losing everything.

 

Can anyone offer any insight on what they think is happening here? Please, I'd really appreciate any opinions.

 

From your post alone I have gathered:

 

*You haven't ruled out being with him again (I think you still have hope and want to be with him)

 

*He is treating you badly.

 

*His actions show he does not want you in his life. He avoids calling you, He outright told you he wants to move to another country where you are not.

 

How is it that he is going to lose 'everything' if he is going to move?

How is it any of your business - you are not his girlfriend, and he told you he can not be your friend.

 

I know that may come accross harsh, but his behavior is no longer your concern. And frankly, I think you deserve to be with and find someone who can treat you well, love you, and cherish you.

Perhaps your ex could and did these things in the past; but he isn't anymore.

[Yowser_76]

LMAO! You're probably right and believe me you're not the only person who's said it.

 

I'm sorry, I actually feel pretty stupid for even posting about this. I guess I'm just trying to get things clear in my head. I don't know if he's really messed up or if he's turned into the world's biggest scumbag. I'm stumped

[itsallgrand]

You're definetly not stupid. I vent and sort things here too. And I'm not the most tactful member of this joint.

 

Try re-reading your post. Sometimes I find it helps to piece together the history and really see what has happened in hindsight.

 

ahhh - don't worry about him anymore! lol. Try focusing in on you. These thoughts can become so habitual - thinking about the ex - that we stop seeing that we can change 'em. Time to kick those thoughts to the curb and find some new thang to mull about.

 

You'll have to form your own conclusions about what you think of the dude.

 

 

[beanpaper]

I don't know if he's really messed up or if he's turned into the world's biggest scumbag.

You know, it's probably a bit of both. But is this really about him? I saw your other thread about the other things going on in your life. It sounds like you just really need some support and he's the only person you know to reach for... even though he's no good for you. If you were feeling stronger I think you would be able to let him go without worrying about his well-being and whatnot. This is a bad time for you.. instead of grasping at straws think about what you can do to built up a support system for yourself. Family, friends, therapy, things like that?

 

You're not stupid for posting this.. I feel for you and I think I understand the loneliness and the fear of losing him. Especially since he made you feel like crap for so long.. if he were to come back to you now and you had your fantasy reunion it would be like erasing all the hurtful things he's ever said to you, huh? Like: "Who's worthless now?!" Or so you would hope! But he has his own journey and you don't want him back unless he's completely changed and on his knees!!!

[Yowser_76]

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

First, I don't think he and I will ever be together again. We're both seeing other people. But I do think that there will always be a part of me that loves him. He was a huge part of my life for a long time and we were very close.

 

Also, he did not say that he wants me out of his life and he said that he DOES care about me and wants to be my friend. What he said was that he didn't know if he could handle just being my friend. He also asked for my email address so we can stay in touch when he goes overseas and has spoken several times of us being friends when he gets back.

 

I also know that at the end of the day this isn't my problem or my business and believe me I will let him go. This is what he has to do and I accept that. But to me he seems pretty messed up. I do care deeply, and I don't want to see him get hurt. Maybe that makes me stupid but I can't help it...that's who I am.

[Yowser_76]

Wow, I've been crying since I read that. Everything you said made so much sense to me.

 

Maybe this isn't about him, I don't know. I just know that the thought of him never being in my life again makes me so sad. I do wish things were better between us, that we could be friends. He was my support system and a comfort for so long and I thought he'd always be part of my life in some form. And I think that if things were better I'd at least be able to believe he didn't mean all the things he said to me. I guess if he was actually capable of being my friend I'd know I'm not so worthless after all.

[DN]

I don't know if he's really messed up or if he's turned into the world's biggest scumbag. I'm stumped

 

I think we can rule out the former and that would only leave the latter.

 

If you are feeling lonely and vulnerable this would be an especailly bad time for you to let him back into your life in any way. But then, I don't think any time would be good.

[Lady Bugg]

WOW....what an emotional rollercoaster!!

 

I agree with DN.

 

First, you're not stupid for feeling the way you do. I think we've ALL had feelings for someone we KNEW we'd be better off without. Emotions and love are not logical...usually. I think there comes a time though that a lightbulb goes off and you just 'get it". At least that's how it's happened for me. One day I just stop and say..."What am I DOING"??? After that it's not as hard anymore, but no matter HOW many times I hear what I need to do, none of it registers until I have finally had enough. I think you will come to that point when YOU have had enough....

 

That said..I can only give you MY advice and that would be

to assume your ex means what he says..and that is that he loves this other woman, is moving, and no longer wants to be your friend. It is important to LISTEN to what is being said and not try reading between the lines.

Also...your ex was drunk when he showed up on your doorstep.....I wouldn't

put much stock in him even remembering what was said.

[renaissancewoman101]

Like the other posters, you are not stupid for how you feel. I know how hard it is to let go of all the feelings you once had for a SO, esp after they move on with their lives. I also know what it is like to have hope that they will come back to your life because you were so dependent on them for advice and support. I know how that all is like. But, you have the inner strength to move on and learn to depend on yourself and live for yourself instead of living and being there for a guy who could care less about you, is stepping all over you like a doormat, and moving away to another country to be with his current gf. I know how crushing this all feels to you. But, you have the inner strength to move on because you love yourself and know the way he treats you is wrong. You have the support of all of us here on ENA and you are always welcome to come here to rant and look for support.

 

I also can understand how you feel because I have, somewhat, been in your situation before, with my first ex. I dated my first ex in college for about 3 years. He was not an easy guy to date. He had a lot of inner turmoil, frustration, and confusion that he would take out on me. I helped him emotionally get through college and when he graduated, I thought everything was going to be great. The day he graduated, he dropped a bombshell on me and told me he was gay and that he was confused. He never broke up with me but he never wanted me as a gf again. He just wanted me to be there for him as he went through life. He eventually found a new bf and watching him fall in love with his bf was one of the most painful things in his life.

 

To cut the story short, I still was his emotional support and he walks all over me like I am a doormat. My emotions and self-esteem took a beating from him and cost me my most current relationship. My ex could not handle my closeness to my gay ex. I eventually went as far as to move out here to CA because my first ex found a job out here in LA and needed me to be out here to be his emotional support.

 

Finally though, after being here a few months, and through the advice of people from ENA, I am starting to let go of my first ex and live my life on my own. I am starting to do stuff for myself, trust in my own judgement and make my own friends. It isnt easy, but even you can learn to let go of your ex and learn to live life on your own. It is going to be hard but it is doable.

 

Good luck!

[Yowser_76]

I guess you guys are right. I need to accept that I mean nothing to him anymore and never will again. We'll never be friends.

 

Thanks for taking time to reply.

[demons-princess]

well my friend sent me some story on the right day here i hope it helps you make up your mind

 

there was a young 8 year old boy who had a bad temper one day his father gave him a bag of nails and told him every time he lost his temper he had to hammer a nail into the fence in the yard weeks went by and the number of nails the boy had to hammer was getting lower till one day the boy didnt have to hammer any nails at all the boy was happy and went to tell his father so the father told him every day he didnt lose his temper and say mean things he couls take a nail out of the fence finally the day came when the fence had no nails!the boy went and told his father so the father smiled and took his son out to the fence and sai to his son"you see the nails are gone but the fence still has holes from the nails,son whenever you say something wronge it leavs a scare wether you say sorry or not you can stab a man and pull out the knife but the wound will still be there and...you need to know that getting hurt with a blad isnt as bad as getting hurt with words from a loved one"