Sex or no sex?

[Jabbe]

My girl and I have recently begun talking of possibly having sex. The thing is that she had always said that she would wait until marriage and has recently become conflicted about it. She claims that if we have sex now, it would take away the "mystery" of something about our relationship (confused because of how ridiculous it sounds to me).

 

Anyway, it surprised me when she broke down saying this about 2 weeks ago: "Everyone else is having sex except me. I'm still a virgin." That was after she had asked again if I would be ready to have sex with her. I had always told her that I wasn't all that interested, and it's never really on my mind like that. I always told her "Whenever you're ready, just let me know. I'm not gonna rush or pressure you. Just take your time."

 

My question is: Why and how can she be so 2-sided like that?

 

This past weekend we were messing around in bed and she told me that she was ready, but then started making up excuses about us not having enough time (we had something else planned). She initiated, and then backed out.

 

I don't know what to do about this, and am getting turned off about anything that could be sexual in ANY way. I just want to leave the whole thing alone. No touching. No tongue-kissing. No nothing.

 

We talked about it the other day and the idea of dry sex came about. She would be willing to try it. She also said that she is rethinking the possibility of allowing me to give her oral sex. This is shocking as well because of how disgusting she always said it was. She's definitely changing, and it's obvious that she's curious about sex.

 

What are your thoughts?

[melrich]

How old are you guys?

[Scout]

It's pretty simple, she is having physical yearnings for sex, but these longings are conflicting with her moral stance on having sex before marriage.

 

The mind and the body are two completely different things, and they often are at odds with each other.

 

I would suggest you remind her of this, and point out that perhaps she'd rather wait to make such a big decision until her mind agrees with her body!

[Jabbe]

I'm 20 and she's 18. I'm not a virgin, by the way. We've known each other for 1.5 yrs.

 

I guess I should suggest that we call the whole thing off. She likes to talk about it, and I give her insight based on my experiences. Maybe that's good enough?

[melrich]

I guess at 18 years old I'm not surprised that she is starting to think more about the possibility of having sex. I am sure she is pretty conflicted, wait for marriage on the one hand or join the fun now.

 

So far you are doing the right thing by supporting her and not putting the pressure on. I am a bit worried that she thinks oral sex is disgusting. I mean OK you may not think it is for you but disgusting? That may suggest she has some hang ups about the physical act of sex.

 

I don't know how to advise you other than to say that you can continue to do what you are doing or if the pressure of the whole thing is getting too much you need to have an open and honest talk about the whole thing and where she is ultimately going to make her stand.

[Sylph]

I suggest that you do whatever you're both comfortable with doing.

 

If you don't like the idea of having sex at this moment of time, as your current relationship stands, then you shouldn't have to. No one is going to enjoy meaningful sex where one partner is not going to be completely willing and comfortable with doing it. I sugges that first you continue going at the pace you are going at, communicate, perhaps build your way upto having sex by trying oral first. Just allow yourself to get to a point where you're more comfortable about having sex together and if you don't get there any time soon then so be it.

[Scout]

I am a bit worried that she thinks oral sex is disgusting. I mean OK you may not think it is for you but disgusting? That may suggest she has some hang ups about the physical act of sex.

 

Actually, I think it's pretty common for sexually inexperienced people to view oral sex with some discomfort and even repulsion, until they've done it many times and gotten comfortable with it. Er, to use a badly phrased term, it's often an "acquired taste."

[Mrocza]

It sounds like she is conflicted.

 

She wants to wait until marriage but obviously is curious, feels alone in her beliefs, doesn't really know what she wants anymore.

 

I think you should still give her time. Let her know that you know how strongly she felt about this and that there really is nothing wrong with her choice and no pressure from your side. You can even tell her you respect her choice, if you do.

 

The point is, you don't want her to get caught up and do something she thinks she wants to do. She might end up regretting it completely.

[melrich]

Actually, I think it's pretty common for sexually inexperienced people to view oral sex with some discomfort

 

Yeah I can understand discomfort. And you may be right it may just be the inexperience but disgusting is a strong word. It's just a thought.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

this coming from someone that was almost 18 before she went all the way. I viewed sex before marriage the same way.

 

If she is like me, body hormones and mind are always in conflict. Don't push her, just wait if and when shes ready she will go all the way if shes not then its not ment to be.

[justpaisley]

Just don't let out the fact that you think that her moral stance is "ridiculous," and you should be fine. I think you need to find someone who is more in-tune with your sexual desires, because simply being with someone who she knows wants to have sex will put her between a rock and a hard place. She should find someone who, too, wants to wait until marriage. Yes, sex is on her mind and the hormones of someone that age are amazing, but chances are, if she does have sex, she will regret it. You probably don't want to be that regret.

[SxcLady]

In her heart she wants to wait until marriage. But seeing all her friends lose their virginity she feels she is being left behind. Its like smoking. When your friends smoke ... they may say "give it a try" you know what i mean? I cant think of the word im trying to use.

[Scout]

In her heart she wants to wait until marriage. But seeing all her friends lose their virginity she feels she is being left behind. Its like smoking. When your friends smoke ... they may say "give it a try" you know what i mean? I cant think of the word im trying to use.

 

Peer pressure? Although, it doesn't sound like in this case her friends are urging her to try sex. Maybe not directly, anyway...but if they are talking about how great it is, that might be an indirect, self-induced form of peer pressure.

[SxcLady]

Thats it. Thanks scout. And yes i think they are using an indirect form of peer pressure. They arent trying to do it ofcourse but by just mentioning it and her being left stranded during the conversation has got her feeling as though to join in on the convo she must lose her virginity.

[Jabbe]

Thanks for all of your replies! I understand all of your point of views.

 

I don't think I was very clear about the oral sex, sorry. She is rethinking me giving it to her. I don't think she would do that for me in a million years, so that's no concern.

 

I can be a very sexual person, but it's not THAT important to me when it comes to having a relationship. I'm kind of a "take it as it comes" type of person. Sex or no sex, I'll love her all the same.

 

I'll be meeting with her today, and I've decided that I'm going to tell her that I think we should just forget about the entire thing. I'd rather that she be happy with what we have instead of trying to make leaps. She's not exactly the most secure person in the world. She, often, thinks too much about things that are very unnecessary, and kind of hurtful to the relationship. Casting this away could just be one less thing for her to worry about.

 

I love her with everything in me, and wouldn't change anything about her for the world.

 

Feel free to let me know what you think. Thanks again for your thoughts!

[SxcLady]

Youve thought this out well... Nicely done! We can tell you really do care for her and love her.

[Jabbe]

I told her how I felt about it, and her reaction was very different from what I expected. She was actually disappointed! She asked: "What if I decide to?" I told her: "Don't worry about it. If you're ready, just let me know. Making love or not, I'll still love you all the same."

 

I also got the point accross that sex isn't important to me pretty much AT ALL. It might not have been the greatest choice of words as I told her, but she understood what I meant.

 

Things are looking up, and she has one less thing to worry about!

 

Success!

[SxcLady]

GOOD! Well Done and GoodLuck in the future.

[Derek]

I think that was a very good approach. I think it would be best if both parties are moving into that with eyes wide open, no internal conflicts and completely invested. No one is feeling coerced or cajoled.

 

You sound like a thoughtful guy so I don't think you would want to be with someone who didn't want to be there, completely, with you.

 

Wait for the Real Thing.