Question about relationships

[lovecrazy]

Is it true that all relationships take work? Should a relationship be no work or little work if that?

 

I have discussed this with a few other people that relationships that require a bunch of work, arent worth it. But I have to disagree with that statement. Just because everything in today's society takes work. All types of relationships take work. Mother daughter, mother son, father son, brother sister, father daughter, friendships. Marriages.

 

Honestly if you tell me a relationship is suppose to be easy I feel you are living in a fantasy world.

 

Please discuss....enlighten me!

[Goodfun88]

I think if relationships are too easy, people will lose interest very quickly. But they shouldn't be so difficult that both people have to completely compromise all there beliefs and values. There should be a happy medium somewhere in the middle. If its to easy both people will take it for granted and it will eventually fizzle out. But if it takes work and both people are committed to doing that work, its more satisfying and fulfilling. Just my opinion though!

[lovecrazy]

Goodfun88 I believe you just put it the right way. Which I agree 100% thank you!

[RayKay]

Yes, relationships do take work. There are many whom do believe in the fantasy fairy-tale that if the relationship is not "perfect" and requires work, then it is not meant to be. You often find these are the ones whom run at the first sign of conflict or imperfection. However, the way a relationship grows and is nourished is by the effort both persons put into it. Even when relationships are going along well, there is still work involved to develop it, to not go that route of taking things for granted, or neglecting the communication for example. Sometimes couples do forget, and find years later they feel like strangers living in the same home.

 

However, there is indeed such a think as "too much work". When you are doing all the work, when it feels you are having to force things to exist and last, when there is no pleasure in the journey, then it may be time to look at the relationship and whether it's really "healthy" or not. Some people believe "work" is interchangeable with "sacrifice of one's own emotional health and needs" and that is not the case. Even with the work you put in, it should feel like a partnership together, like something you are building together, and it should still be nourishing to you.

[Ross_K]

What is the actual 'work' that you have to do?

 

Obviously since I'm an incel, this concept is totally alien to me.

[Süsser Tod]

However, there is indeed such a think as "too much work". When you are doing all the work, when it feels you are having to force things to exist and last, when there is no pleasure in the journey, then it may be time to look at the relationship and whether it's really "healthy" or not. Some people believe "work" is interchangeable with "sacrifice of one's own emotional health and needs" and that is not the case. Even with the work you put in, it should feel like a partnership together, like something you are building together, and it should still be nourishing to you.

 

 

I once asked my psychiatrist about that subject. His answer was quite short, "A relationship is not worth it when it becomes a burden".

 

Now I do understand it, when a relationship is going fine, you'll happily do that work and little adjustments to keep it going. When it becomes a burden, and it is not enjoyable anymore, then that would be too much work.

[RayKay]

That's a very good way of describing it indeed Susser! Though, it's important to also realize that sometimes even when things aren't going fine, the work does not automatically become a burden if you share the same goal and commitment to get back on track, as there will be harder times as well as good times in relationships and life.

 

Sometimes even if things are "fine" it will feel like a burden to one person on the other hand. It's really a very individual thing that also depends on the persons experiences and expectations, and commitment.

[Ash]

A couple of points I'd like to make.

 

1. The "work" involved in a relationship often revolves around being thoughtful and giving rather than selfish and introverted. You have to communicate, be aware of the other's needs and be supportive.

 

2. I'm not sure if all relationships necessarily do need work, some will survive regardless. However, ALL relationships will benefit from your additional efforts. Even if one could survive with little effort, it would be far better if some time and energy is invested.

[Ross_K]

selfish and introverted

 

And this is what usually happens when you've both been together for a long time and take each other for granted?

 

I think I get it now.

 

I suppose the work doesn't sound that hard after all then.

[novaseeker]

I don't think "introverted" is the right word. Introverted simply means you recharge your mental and emotional batteries with alone time, whilst extroverted means you do that with other people time. I think the right term is "self-absorbed", which is different from "introvert". There are plenty of self-absorbed extroverts. It's a bit of a hot button for me, because I am rather introverted (I scored an 89 "I" on Meyers-Briggs, for example).

 

I think that a relationship is like tending to a plant or a child or something like that. It requires constant attention in itself, constant monitoring and awareness of what is happening in order to thrive and succeed. This is "work", of course, but it's also a labour of love. What happens sometimes is that people put the relationship on autopilot, and don't monitor and tend to it like they should ... they get absorbed in other things, the plenitude of energy-taking things in life like careers and children and the like, and the actual relationship that started the whole thing to begin with gets pushed further down on the "to do" list, and of course it suffers then because it isn't getting the attention it needs.

[Ash]

I used introverted as a way of indicating that you stop commnicating what you want with your partner and try to figure everything out yourself. Perhaps I misapplied the term.

 

I didn't mean to push any buttons novaseeker. Sorry if I did!

[Ross_K]

I don't know why I'm asking these questions because it's never going to happen to me, but, what kind of attention are you supposed to give the relationship, do you mean giving your partner more attention like taking her out and buying her things, and spending nights in cuddling while watching movies or whatever?

[novaseeker]

I used introverted as a way of indicating that you stop commnicating what you want with your partner and try to figure everything out yourself. Perhaps I misapplied the term.

 

I didn't mean to push any buttons novaseeker. Sorry if I did!

 

No worries! I assumed you were meaning it in a way like that, but I just wanted to correct the term. No offense taken at all!

[novaseeker]

I don't know why I'm asking these questions because it's never going to happen to me, but, what kind of attention are you supposed to give the relationship, do you mean giving your partner more attention like taking her out and buying her things, and spending nights in cuddling while watching movies or whatever?

 

That and also paying attention to what is happening in her life, what is going on in her life in and out of the relationship. Showing a consistent interest in her and her feelings and well-being. Listening to her when she wants to talk and so forth. It's basically being "present" in the relationship as an active participant, rather than being along for the ride, so to speak.

[Ross_K]

I hear what you're saying.

 

But isn't it sort of being like a nice guy? Women are supposed to find it off putting.

 

The woman who I was in an online relationship with I always gave her attention and treated her like a princess, but she finished me and I'm sure it was because of that, I think I basically turned into too much of a nice guy.

 

Next time I'll just treat them more like a pal or something.

[RayKay]

I hear what you're saying.

 

But isn't it sort of being like a nice guy? Women are supposed to find it off putting.

 

Um no, that's being respectful and considerate and showing you genuinely actually care for her. As novaseeker said, being "present" in the relationship.

 

What I find off-putting is men without a backbone, or men whom are callous and selfish.

[Ross_K]

Um no, that's being respectful and considerate and showing you genuinely actually care for her. As novaseeker said, being "present" in the relationship.

 

What I find off-putting is men without a backbone, or men whom are callous and selfish.

 

Okay, it must be just if it's smoothering then.

[shes2smart]

The "work" of maintaining a healthy relationship are relatively simple things like

 

>communication -- and not just asking if the electric bill's been paid or other mundane details of life (although, it does include that, too)

 

>spending time together -- no distractions, just you and your partner...and it doesn't have to be sexual...it can be silly stuff. F'rinstance, my husband and I both have a fondess for bad fast food from Sonic, but the closest Sonic is an hour away (which is probably a good thing considering our overall physical conditions ). Every few months, we'll use our day off to drive there for lunch and spend the day doing silly stuff we both like. We generally have a very far-ranging, all-day-long conversation...previous topics have been "what would we do if we won the lottery jackpot" to stories about our pasts to commentary on what's going on around us on the trip.

 

>respect -- so easy to slip away once you're comfortable with each other. If you look at some of the threads on here, you can see plenty of evidence of people who claim to love each other saying things/doing things to each other that you wouldn't dare say or do to a friend or a stranger. I know in my past relationships I have been guilty of saying some really horrible things to people I claimed to love. I've since learned to choose my words carefully and extend (at the minimum) the same amount of tact, respect & politeness to my husband that I would to a stranger.

 

>making the effort to make the relationship a priorty -- easy to say, sometimes difficult to actually follow through and do. It means making the effort to support your sig. other -- that may mean going to a performance they're in (like community theatre or something) or keeping their dinner warm if they're going to be home late or picking up some extra chores around the house if they're really slammed at work

 

If both parties make a roughly equal effort to do these things, they both want to be in the relationship, and they both have the same relationship goals...then the "work" won't be much of a burden at all.

 

However, the minute one partner mentally or emotionally checks out of the relationship (but doesn't have the nerve/backbone/consideration to physically leave) or takes the role of "taker" and never "gives", that's when it's too much work.

 

It's really a balance of giving and taking on the part of both partners that makes a relationship work. When you can achieve that balance, it looks and feels almost effortless....when you can't find that balance, it feels like it's impossible, and like it's too much work to be worth it.

[RayKay]

Okay, it must be just if it's smoothering then.

 

Right, or it's "false" as in it is based on more of a "what will this do for me" attitude rather then a more genuinge "I want to do this for you" sentiment.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with all the other posters on here that relationships take work to maintain it. My premise in keeping a relationship and making it work is to treat others the way you want to be treated.

 

Ross K, dont be so down on yourself. One day you will find someone to love and who will also love you in return. The day you are not looking will be the day that a relationship will drop into your lap.

[Ash]

Ross, relationships that need work aren't all of the love variety. Your interaction with friends and relatives fall under the same general principles for happy living as well. You talk to your friends, listen when they have issues, pay attention to what's happening, and let them know when you're a little out of things I would imagine. Same with your family if you're at all close to them.

 

Well, those same skills and mindsets work with affairs of the heart as well. Think about what has worked in friendships and what hasn't and apply that knowledge when you start talking to somebody new. The loving relationship a couple has in many ways is very similar to the way you interact with good friends. This is all good news because it means you can practice working on relationships before you even meet the next person you're going to fall in love with.

[Ross_K]

Ash, I've never really found that I've had to work at friendships. There was a couple of friends though where we were really good friends for ages but then the bond or whatever sort of died, it was like the spark had gone, as though we were just bored with each other, so maybe they needed working on. But I don't really know what it was that I or we could have done to keep the friendship going.

 

I agree with all the other posters on here that relationships take work to maintain it. My premise in keeping a relationship and making it work is to treat others the way you want to be treated.

 

Ross K, dont be so down on yourself. One day you will find someone to love and who will also love you in return. The day you are not looking will be the day that a relationship will drop into your lap.

 

But if I'm 30 and it hasn't happened yet, it probably will never happen, no one has even ever shown interest in me before.

 

Something is obviously seriously wrong and it's not going to suddenly change overnight, unless I could do something to solve whatever the problem is (that's if it can be solved). Thing is I don't what the problem is, and it does feel like something that can't be changed.

[novaseeker]

Not really. You just may need to make some adjustments. How have you tried to meet women in the past? What were the contexts? How did you approach the situation?

[Ash]

Funny thing about is guys Ross is that we quite often miss signs of interest in us from the ladies. I know I was told that when I was in my mid 20's by my then wife. I completely and totally missed a few people who were interested in me. (Of course, she never did tell me who they were).

 

What I'm saying is just because you think no one has even shown interest in you doesn't necessarily mean it hasn't happened. It's almost sure to have happened, and likely several times. Now, don't go being all upset because you missed something or someone. Rather, be a little more upbeat to think that just maybe there is somebody right now who is interested and you don't realize it. At least, it's better to think that way then to give up, right? And in thinking there is somebody interested, you may appear more appealing than you think you are. Better to have a positive outlook rather than a negative one if you are out there looking, right?

[Ross_K]

Not really. You just may need to make some adjustments. How have you tried to meet women in the past? What were the contexts? How did you approach the situation?

 

What do you mean by trying to meet women, going to places where there are women, or approaching them?

 

I've been to loads of places where there are women, and I'd also meet them through friends.

 

As for approaching them I don't know how too.