I can't accept he loves me

[Belinda]

What is wrong with me?

I have a wonderfull boyfriend, but everytime he says I look good enough and Im beautiful, I never believe him. I'm definatly overweight and not that easy on the eyes.

 

He's said to me a few times that he likes girls with little breats, long slender legs etc, and told me celebrities he thinks are hot (and theyre skinny girls that look nothing like me).

I feel like I can't compete with his physical ideals and not only do I feel IMMENSLY inferior, I just dont feel like he diserves someone like me.

 

Add in the mix, that I have heaps of baggage. I can tell when I get upset about the way I look, he seems irritated by it. Once (onlyvery breifly) he snapped at me about it, but I think he did it because he was frustrated I didnt see things the way he saw them.

Due to this, I can't tell him how I feel anymore... I'm scared he'll leave me because I'm so sad all the time.

I'm too depressed for him.

 

My last relat wasn't so great, and I dont think I've 100% healled from the betrayl I suffered then. I don't want my boyfriend to have to pay for my past... and I REALLY want him to know Im happy with him...

 

But this is killing me inside, I hold in all this pain and its rotting my personality down to a pulp. I wish I could just sit down with him and tell him how sad I am and why I'm sad. But Im so scared hell think Im a loser or hate me for it.

If I lost him, I dont know what Id do, I love him so much...

 

I just dont know why I hate myself so much when Im around him. Normally I dont care so much, but when i'm around him I feel pathetic, inferior and not good enough. Hes way out of my league >_

 

Why cant I just believe that he loves me...

[Hope75]

Belinda,

 

You say you have a wonderful boyfriend who loves you, the whole package.

 

If you are acting sad and doubting your appeal, why not sit down and tell him what's on your mind? Seems to me such a wonderful boyfriend would be very supportive of you and try to help you to understand why it is that he loves you and finds you so wonderful. I think I would question how great a guy really was if he was not willing to listen to my feelings, even if he did not have all the answers.

 

Celebrities are pretty to look at, but in all reality, not very realistic. Did you know over 50% of women (at least in America) are a size 14 or greater? The average size is 12-14, not 2.

 

I am a little overweight since going back to school myself, and though my boyfriend will oggle a hot celebrity size 2 when he sees one on tv, the way he looks at me also shows me how much he loves me, the total package of who I am, inside and out, and that to him I am beautiful. That makes me feel beautiful, even if my mirror tells me I am just so-so.

 

BUT..... beauty can not just be in the eye of the beholder, it also has to come from you and from the confidence that you have inside that you are a beautiful person, even if you are not a size 2- and who is??

 

About the baggage with the ex- have you considered counseling? I went through some tough relationships in the past as well, and there is no shame in seeking professional help to get you through the bumpy parts of recovering from a bad relationship. Perhaps, if you are carrying that old relationship into this one, it's a sign that you either haven't worked through it and resolved it, or that you are not ready for dating yet.

 

Just some food for thought.

[Belinda]

Thanks so much for replying, it really means alot to me.

I can't tell you how weird this is for me. I'm usually the first to be profoundly open and out there with how I feel - but with him it's different.

 

I'm SO scared he'll be repulsed by me for it. And somethingdeep down just tells me that because I'm his first girlfriend he's more in love with the idea of being loved, than with me myself.

 

I'm actually really happy with how I am, and have recently lost 10 kilos... I was losing weight too upuntil I met him, then I started emotionally eating again (hello irony). It's only ever around *him* that I hate who I am, I just dont feel good enough.

 

It's painfull because I kinda know the more I tell him how I feel, the less he respects me because I'm so depressed about this. I just know I'm going to loose him, and it hurts so much because Ive never loved anyone like this before.

[shyanne]

i think this guy is with you because he likes and wants to be with you. each guy is different. just because your last boyfriend did something wrong to you doesn't mean the new one will. you first need to feel good about yourself and want things just for you and not to make men happy. relationships are built on trust and honesty so it's important for you to tell him how and why you feel the way you do. i don't think the problem is with him, he's with you for a reason. the problem is within yourself and how you feel. only you can fix that and not by anything he says. trust him when he tells you he wants to be with you and enjoy your time together, thinking of just each other.

[Mavh25]

I was the same in my relationship, and sorry but your partly correct. It wil eventually put him off, i know it put my boyfriend off. But i got to thepoint of being so insecure i worried about him and other girls EVEN though i KNEW he would never cheat on me, it was about him THINKING about it, How sad? lol

You will push him if you keep going on at him about it. So what you need to do is sit down, write down every point you want to mention to him, make sure that everything is down, make sure you get a response from everything that you ask. The reason i say write it down, is because you cannot forget 1 point, and this has to be the ONLY time you do this, if you do it again, it will become a drag for him. During this, yo need to tell him how you feel. Because he may start to believe he isnt doing you any favours, if you dont feel less insecue with him maybe you dont love him? this is my opinion things work out different for different people but my situation panned like this, and it wasnt until i lost himi realised my faults

[Beyondthesea]

Why don't you just tell him how you feel? If you can't talk to him, who can you talk to? If he can't listen and be supportive he isn't the one for you.

[Dako]

What do you want from this guy?

He can't make you love yourself, no matter what he does. All he can do is show you he loves you with words and actions. The least you can do is give him your trust. So what if he evaluates celebrities? For the most part, celebs are a manufactured product for the entertainment industry, but you're a real woman he chooses to actually spend his time with.

How do you reward each other? Doubt or passion?

[monkey1]

Well, i'm not a size 2 and I'm curvier than I'd like to be. My boyfriend is thinner than me and I'm not the most confident about my physical appearance, but he loves me. I know for me sometimes it's hard to believe, but I know he wouldn't be with me unless he wanted to. We both know that we could physically do better, but we do love each other a lot and he loves me even with my rolls here and there.

 

I bet your boyfriend really loves and cares about you. Yeah I'm sure a lot of people at times think "Oh, that celeb is hot, I'd like to be with them." But when it boils down to it, love is what matters most in a relationship, it's not always about appearance.

 

You need to start and try to accept yourself because no one wants to be with a person who's always down about the way they look or that they're too fat, or too thin, too short or too tall. And it's even harder when the person doesn't believe that their partner loves the way they look or wants to be with him. Would you want to be with someone who hates the way they look and always disagreed with the compliments you gave them?

 

I hope that you can work things out with your boyfriend. Just sit down and talk to him about how you feel. It's scary to talk about it because you're afraid of rejection, but he's with you already. I'm sure he'll try and do his best to help you work through it.

[Hope75]

I'm SO scared he'll be repulsed by me for it. And somethingdeep down just tells me that because I'm his first girlfriend he's more in love with the idea of being loved, than with me myself.

 

If this were true, is this the type of guy that you'd want to be with?

 

I know if it were me, and my bf didn't love me for who I was and respect my thoughts and feelings, I wouldn't want to be with him.

 

What makes you think that he's more into the idea of having a girlfriend than being with YOU?

[Belinda]

Thanks for the advice again. The whole thing is churning me up inside.

However he told me he isn't going to leave me, nor give up on me. I'm so very lucky to have him. And as each day goes on I know he's helping me to heal and break down those barriers I put up so I wouldn't get hurt.

 

I say I really do trust him, but Im not doing a very good job of showing it. I've decided that if, by this next fortnight, I havent cheered up or stopped dwelling on this - I'm going to try and see a doctor about it, because it's just not healthy to be so up and down all the time.

 

I'd literally do anything for him, so the very least I can do is try and work on myself first, so he doesnt have to deal with it FOR me, cause I do know thats very immature.

 

I'll consider the suggestion about writing a list down... but I have brought this up half-heartidly so many times already I think, and Im afraid, he already IS sick of it. But I've decided in order to heal I shouldnt need his help anyway, so I need to try and work out my insecurities on my own.

 

The last thing I want to do is completely milk him for emotional support. Especially this early in the relationship.

 

But I did have a good think about it, and Im sure he's the one I want to be with. There not a doubt in my mind. ( OHH creepy, just as I sent that, he sent me a txt message on my mobile saying he loves me, out of nowhere)

I guess I really dont have much to worry about hey

[Belinda]

Thanks so much... I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one who's gone through these feelings.

I have to admit I've been feeling alone in my thoughts,like I'm a freak or something.

 

Your words have really inspiredme though, so thank you I really hope I can make things work with him, because when I'm with him he makes me feel complete

[Belinda]

Will do hon *hugs* Thanks again

[emma201279]

yeh shes right...ur definitely not alone!....ive been very insecure in my relationship before, and it has caused a lot of problems.now i realise its silly to overanalyse about think like other girls etc..hes with U for a reason, not because he has to be with you, but because he wants to. reading ur post and other peoples comments have been really inspirational to me aswell! i hope you can be happier with urself and in your relationship....cause u deserve it....we all do! so dont be scared of rejection or that u'll get hurt...just be yourself and love like uve never been hurt before...and if this guy is the one for u, he'll love you no matter what.

[mch71]

Oh Pet Lady I wish I had had the opportunity to have the benefit of your wisdom 6 months ago.

 

Belinda, take heed of these wise words. I lost my husband because he could no longer handle my lack of self esteem and subsequent depression. I made him feel unloved because I couldn't open up and be honest with him & accept that he loved me for me regardless of what shape or size I was.

 

I have lost 30 pounds and have the body I've always wanted and the confidence to use it (because of therapy) but I have lost the man I love.

 

Take care of yourself & if you can please see a therapist before it gets out of hand.

 

X

[AwdreeHpburn]

MAN can I relate to this post!

 

Sorry, I haven't any real advice cuz I feel in the same spot. Just wanted to sound off on the "you're not alone" vein....

 

-T