no contact....

[teacup]

questions for the dumpers.

 

when YOU go no contact on someone, what are your reasons for it usually? and why don't you inform the other person about it? will you ever talk to that person again? will you ever want to? do you hope they will contact you? i dont understand this no contact thing. how does it work? why does it work? what is it for? how does it help you? how many ppl have you done no contact on? why is it so widely advertised? will you ever answer ur phone or email?

 

answers....i need answers.

[orgasmictofu]

I've dumped, and I always do NC. I dumped them for a reason, I just don't like them anymore, why would I still want to talk to them?

 

When I dump, I delete them off my phone, msn, whatever. I don't go to places I know for sure they will be.

 

If they were to call me, I'd ignore it. I wouldn't answer calls or emails.

 

All this being said, I talk to almost every one of my exes. Usually they drop me a line at least a year after we dated. I make it clear very early on that I will not pursue anything with them, and we've become friends.

 

My two cents.

[PRSOV]

Teacup,

Most people initiate NC as their way of healing. NC provides time for both parties to think about what has happened during the course of the relationship... I think in most cases it would be the dumpee and not the dumper who would go into NC mode after a break-up as they would obviously be feeling a little worse at the time. Although the bottom line is that NC is really meant for the person to have time to heal and recover from what has happened.

 

Some dumpees see NC as a method of getting their ex's to miss them and obviously realise that somethere is there that they didn't see before for whatever reason and wala they get back together, I know I have been guilty of this on separate occasions.

 

I myself have only had NC situations with two people. One I haven't spoken to in around eight weeks, but I don't plan on speaking to her again as after our break-up she went a bit mental and is trying to screw with my life and girls that I am now interested in... which to me just isn't fair considering I treated her extremely well. The other occasion was to try and get my ex to miss me and it did work because she would call several times a week or message on IM and tell me how much she missed me. Although she has problems of her own to rectify before we can proceed any further.

 

In regard to the e-mail and phone I would say it would depend on how the person is feeling and how far along in the healing process they are. Some people will answer the phone or reply to an e-mail to keep themselves in the comfort zone of the other person, although if they are serious about getting themselves fully healed then I believe NC should be maintained right the way through unless the dumper expresses that they want to give the relationship another serious attempt.

 

Hope this helps,

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

 

I have been on both sides of the fence: being dumped and being the dumper. However, I ended a near 4 year relationship this past December and I will give my perspective on what it was like being the "dumper."

 

Background...we met on the internet and hit it off right away and moved in with one another about 6 months into the relationship. (big mistake). He traveled quite a bit for his job so I was on my own quite a bit.

 

Throughout the relationship, I did all the work and all the worrying. I took care of everything and he did very little. I ran the household, paid the bills, made sure the cars had their oil changes, did all the errands, made all the arragements for the vacations, all the arrangements for when we moved (because we moved quite a bit), paid for all the security deposits and application fees for when we did move. I mean I can go on for days. He did not take responsibilty for the relationship and took me for granted. His credit is in shambles and his car was borderline re-possessed three times while we were together. It was re-possessed in the past before I met him. Now, I am in a hefty credit card debt. He was horrible with money among other things and I was terrified about getting a mortgage, etc with him in the future. Instead of feeling a girfriend, I felt like a secretary.

 

Last summer (August 05), my parents started having martial problems (now they are divorcing) and I started having minor difficulties at my job (supervisor related). And from December 2004-July 2005, I worked a second job. So I was working like 70 hours a week. I received very little help from my ex. And when my parents separated, I was devistated. And I began to see less and less of my ex BF. He was working all the time. I truly believe he was trying to avoid me. I was burning out emotionally, mentally, physically. I fell out of love with him. I was truly exhausted from everything. And now, I have this huge credit card debt hanging on my shoulders.

 

So, in the middle of December I ended it. I was tired and sick of it. I mean, my ex and I did have our good times, we went on a cruise, on different vacations, we did day trips. Spend quiet evenings together. But he wanted nothing to do with my life, like my family and friends. He never came to visit me when I worked my second job last year. I was a bartender. He came to see me twice and that is because I asked him too. He was always too tired. And my 10-year high school reunion was last year and we fought. Of all places! Because he was tired. I had to call to remind him the day of to come home early and he forgot about it. I have only been talking about it for weeks. The point is, he did not care about what was important to me, he was too wrapped in his own life.

 

So, December 19th, I had enough. I ended it. I called a friend to tell what happened and when I came back in to get some clothes, he was alseep! I left my apartment and that was the last time I ever saw him or spoke to him. I went to the apartment a few times when he was not there. He did not take the break-up well and he was quite immature about it actually. I am not going to go into details about that however. I did strict NC for 4 months now.

 

He tried to contact me a few times via email and sent me flowers on Xmas eve. I want nothing to do with him. Plus, it would have been icrediably selfish on my end to contact him anyhow. I felt it was the right thing to do. It is what we both needed. The last time I went into the apartment, I knew he was doing ok. I can tell by subtle things in the place that he was ok. Did I miss him? No. I missed having someone around, I did not miss HIM. Did I think about him. Of course. Unless I had amensia or a labotomy, of course I thought about him. I still wonder how he is doing and wondering if he is ok. But I am sure he is.

 

Now, after I broke up with him. I was a mess. I cried a lot. I second-guessed my decision many times. I had an overwhelming urge to contact him. I was plagued by sentitment. I miss my apartment. Now all my things are in boxes in my basement. I felt horrible physically, my joints hurt so bad, I was tired, achy, I had never felt so horrible in my life. I did not want to hurt him but it was inevitable. I was hurting too. Very much so, for many months before I ended the relationship.

 

Do I reget breaking up with him? Absoutely not. Will I take him back? Never. Are we friends? No. Will I ever be friends with him in the future? Cannot say for sure, I suppose anything is possible. No, our break-up was no where near amicable. But his actions made it so. I am much happier without him. I do not feel the need to contact him to tell him I am doing NC. It is not fair to me or to him. I do not want to be responsible for giving him false hope. I had my reasons for ending the relationship and that is all that matters. I had to do what was best for ME and NOT HIM. I was tired of doing what was best for him, time to think of me and what I want for a change.

[HEY ITS JUST ME]

Teacup,

 

I'm new on the forum and find the NC thing quite smart. I am employing NC on someone right now and he does not even know it yet. I started afew days ago . I have NO intentions of having ANY contact with him whatsoever for at least a couple months. The funny thing is that this idea seems EASY to me now, because it is MY choice and not HIS. I KNOW I don't want to talk to him. I am fed up with his crap. We have been dating for about 3 years and I've NEVER just stopped talking to him. I am "miss reliable'..the one who is ALWAYS there for him, but you know what? I've had enough. I made this decision the other night after I realized he is completely self absorbed. Much like KellBells ex. We didn't live together, but he took me for granted big time.

I think by the time he realizes I am gone....I will be beyond any hope of reconciliation. For the first time ever in our relationship...I feel like I have the power to leave and not look back. It feels good. Will I feel guilty??? NO because I gave it my all during the relationship and he sh** all over it.

 

Life without him begins NOW.

[HEY ITS JUST ME]

Another point I wanted to make is this: I think it's easier to leave a relationship you KNOW you have tried to make work. I think having a relationship end prematurely or because of extenuating circumstances is MUCH harder to let go of...because you have that feeling of NOT knowing what could have been. Much much different feelings there.

[walkingwithaghost]

in my opinion no contact is the only way to get over someone. if i dont talk to the person i can forget about them in a week. ive never been in love though so i don't know how this works when really intense feelings are involved. if its just someone you like a lot, no contact is the only way to go. if someone isnt responding to your calls or your attempts to make contact you should say " * * * * it" and salvage your self respect. unless you have a question you really need answered or something you really need clarified. otherwise if someone is doing nc with you, you can only accept it and move on. otherwise you look like a weirdo and a good candidate for a restraining order.

[furakura]

Another point I wanted to make is this: I think it's easier to leave a relationship you KNOW you have tried to make work. I think having a relationship end prematurely or because of extenuating circumstances is MUCH harder to let go of...because you have that feeling of NOT knowing what could have been. Much much different feelings there.

 

I totally agree with you there HITJM. My ex gave up on the relationship even though i was making the move back to the same city as him in a couple of months. His reason: he was lonely and he couldn't wait for me to move back. In his breakup email, he initiated NC so as to not "remind him of what could have been". It bites really since he has chosen to totally walk out of my life while i am left with his departing words "i will never get involved with you ever again even in the event you are carrying my child". Made me question myself still two months on about what i did to make him want to say such things and letting go of my feelings for him.

[Beyondthesea]

Teacup did you just get out of another relationship? Since I have been on this forum you've dated several men who always treat you like garbage and then you are horrified that they have left.

 

I truly think that the best thing you can do is NC with this guy, and also to really stay out of relationships for the time being. You are attracted the wrong men, and that is because something isn't right in your life. What is it, and why are you not fixing it?

 

I really feel for you, hurting over and over. There comes a time where you must ask if you are doing this on purpose to hurt yourself because you feel you need to be punished.

 

Hugs darling.