want some answers

[jonny1234]

I have a friend that I have known for 20 + years. I have shared a bed with him on many occasions, and have touched him sexually. He has never objected. He tells me he is not gay, but has never had sex, and only tells me he does not like the thought of sex with a girl. He wants to get married.

 

but he from time to time gets extremely angry with me, and then he brings up all the stuff that happens between us. ( Only when it comes to looking money of me ). Is he using me ??? I have resisted all request for money, then he gets mad, and tells me of all the bad things I have done on him.

 

But then he turns up, asks me to massage his back, and feet and allows me to touch him.

 

What is he up to ?

[Jinx]

First I'd say he is not a prime person to deal with.

 

I have shared a bed with him on many occasions, and have touched him sexually. He has never objected. He tells me he is not gay, but has never had sex, and only tells me he does not like the thought of sex with a girl. He wants to get married.

 

There I think we have the heart of the problem. Gay, doesn't want to admit, sees life in a black and white frame where he must be married and to be gay would ruin every part of that image of the perfect life. Really, what does he expect to get out of a marriage with a woman if he wants no part of her? If he allows you to do such things without objection, we have a problem there. Gay and back, back, very far back into the closet.

 

I don't think it would be wise to continue this. You need to tell him there is a line which needs to be drawn, he is gay or isn't. If he is gay, then that is one matter. If he "isn't" that is something entirely different which you no longer want to be caught up into.

 

Even more, the money issue.

 

This is one confused and who knows what else man that really needs to decide what is best for him, not what is best for society. Unfortunately that may never come to him and with you there, why should he bother contemplating these things? If he has you on a string like he seems to believe, why change the good stuff coming out of the deal? No reason to.

[kristo]

Irrespective of his sexual orientation, he is clearly using you.

 

Look, he only gets REALLY angry with you when you don't lend him money and he brings up all the "bad stuff" up to try and make you feel guilty and cave in.

 

I would probably reconsider my friendship with him, because true friends don't act like that.

[robowarrior]

He is a liar who is using you.

 

He is gay but doesn't want to admit due to social pressure around him, second he wants you for your money, if you really love someone then money isn't relevant in that sense that you care for someone. If anything if something doesn't go his way you'll be the first to blame. I think you love him, and i think he is using you. Post what he has done for you, cause he sounds really selfish. Im not saying that you should get angry on him for being selfish but if the love isn't going both ways i would like you to stop whatever is between you two.

[jonny1234]

I keep thinking is it me ? Am I the problem ? I keep examining the facts, and without bias and I think we are both screwed up !!!! I keep being told I have screwed his life up because I touched him up !!! But this has happened many, many times, and he let me and still does. Even the other evening he was looking for me to start, by asking me to massage his back. What straight male would even ask another male to do this, and allow me share his bed.

 

He asks me about money, because of a business partnership, the business is not doing too well, and he has earned no money from it and thereforeeee expects me to help. I have done under duress, and when I say no, he gets very threatening. Then he throws up all the stuff he says I have done to him to make it sound like abuse.

 

I want to help, but how can I when one minute everything is great and we are sharing a bed, next minute am accused of abusing him.

 

I give up !!! Is he gay or have I made him gay, or maybe he is just a confused straight guy ???

 

He seeks money because he says I owe him

[Jorus Cbaoth]

So stop touching him. That's nasty.

[annie24]

The point here is not to debate if homosexuality is ok or not.

 

Either way, this "friend" sounds like a complete jerk. He tells you he's not gay, but lets you touch him. And when you won't give him money, he gets angry at you. He sounds like he is using you BIG TIME! No, do not keep getting involved with him, romantically, physically, or friend-wise. He sounds like he's a pretty rotten friend. Find someone who will be more caring towards you.

[southerngirl]

So stop touching him. That's nasty.

 

Is not. Maybe for you but not all so pipe down heh.

[southerngirl]

What the others have said I'd agree with. He seems to be gay and in the closet... way back there where the light isnt shining.

 

That in of itself wouldnt be a reason for you to stop being his friend, but he is using you. He gets mad when you wont shell out the cash. Don't let him borrow your cash no more. Sure, its like an atm machine, he comes to you when he wants something and is looking to you to keep dishing it out. Time will tell if he remains your friend when you turn off the open wallet sign. Good Luck

[Cadence308]

The problem is not you. It sounds like he likes you and probably likes you far more than he wants to admit to himself and to you. He is very much in the closet regarding his sexuality. It doesn't sound like he has any reason to be with a woman or to want to except to uphold the perfect life and get married.

 

You can't bring your friend out of the closet. That is territory that he needs to work through and only he can decide when that time is right. I would not touch him, massage him, kiss him, etc., as painful as that might be because the end result may only bring you heartache and confusion, as it already is.

[kadvati79]

As I see it the real issue isn't if he is gay or not, its that he is not being "appropriate" in his analysis and dealing with the behaviour and activity that has existed between the two of you. Assuming he is of legal age, sound mind, sober, and you are not in any position of authority over him - he can damn well take responsibility for his actions. It takes two to tango baby, and if his little fella is doing the tango its clear he isn't stopping it!

 

You don't owe him anything just because you two fooled around a bit. And that doesn't make you screwed up. I mean, it was just a bit of fooling around? Who cares? I wouldn't take it too heart and make a mountain out of a molehill here. It doesn't sound like he is ready to deal with this maturely, and I am guessing he is not some young buck so he probably never will. Thats a shame. But it isn't your problem.

[novaseeker]

I agree that the core of the problem is that he isn't out and doesn't want to be out. A relationship like that will generally end badly, because it builds resentment that the relationship can't be open, and at some point the not-out person will choose between their closeted relationship and the trappings of straight life that they want ... and that usually ends badly.

 

As painful as it may be I would recommend breaking things off with this guy.

[FoxLocke]

I have a friend that I have known for 20 + years. I have shared a bed with him on many occasions, and have touched him sexually. He has never objected. He tells me he is not gay, but has never had sex, and only tells me he does not like the thought of sex with a girl. He wants to get married.

 

but he from time to time gets extremely angry with me, and then he brings up all the stuff that happens between us. ( Only when it comes to looking money of me ). Is he using me ??? I have resisted all request for money, then he gets mad, and tells me of all the bad things I have done on him.

 

But then he turns up, asks me to massage his back, and feet and allows me to touch him.

 

What is he up to ?

 

Jonny, I dealt with a guy like this.

 

He is gay as all get out but he refuses to admit it to himself. When he and I were hanging out regularly we hugged and kissed on a ritual basis.

 

Yet, after the makeout sessions were over he would get mad at me and himself for "falling to temptation" and "not fighting the evil" spirit...

My friend also massaged my feet and back. He had no qualms doing anything I asked him to...

 

But he refuses to believe that he's gay. Your friend, like mine, is in EXTREME denial.

 

My only suggestion for you is if you are going to hang around him be platonic about it. Cut off all romantic interactions and let him sort out his sexuality issues himself. He'll eventually own his sexuality...But it just has to be on his terms.

 

But my primary suggestion is to stop hanging out with him period. If he is using you to borrow money then just cut the ties to the friendship.

[jonny1234]

This guy is a devout church goer, and I think being gay would ruin his image.

 

But no matter who I speak , all that know him ,consider him gay. He is just screwed up, but I blame myself as he puts the guilty trips on me, in order to get to me. 1 minute he is fine the next he is mental, and after the mental it is just like it never happened. We fought a few weeks ago, when I refused to give any money, but now he still wants to meet up with me to discuss stuff. I keep refusing. Even after such a strong bust up, he still comes round.

 

Even if I said go , he does not !!! Even if I fought with him and said go, he does not !!!

 

This guy is too busy playing at church, that he does not have time to work.

On one hand he is the perfect saint to those in his church, then with me he is a bad one !!!!

 

It is so so confusing.

 

So now I'am just going to try avoid him, dont know how .

[Tigris]

I think you've made a wise decision in avoiding him. You deserve someone who isn't going to play games with you.

[annie24]

It is so so confusing.

 

So now I'am just going to try avoid him, dont know how .

 

just start distancing yourself from him. don't take him up on offers to hang out. certainly no more bed time with him! If he asks why you don't want to hang out, just tell him you have other stuff going on.

 

Or, just be direct and tell him that what you two have relationship-wise, isn't really working out for you anymore.

[jonny1234]

what do you do, if he does not go away.

 

yesterday was the perfect example, he knows am not speaking to him and trying to stay away, yet he calls into the office and stays saying nothing, he doesnt even work here.

 

Cant he get the hint !!!!

 

I have already said for him not to come calling, I give up !!!

[FoxLocke]

Jonny, when he comes a calling you don't have to answer.

 

It will take alot more energy for him to call you as opposed to you hanging up in his face!

 

Anyway, he seems like a totally self absorbed creep...Whereas you seem like a sweet soul. You deserve better!

[jonny1234]

Thanks Foxlocke. and others !!!

 

It sure is good to have someone to share these problems with. My problem seems to be, I have to work hard that avoiding this guy. I just dont know how to deal with him when I will be confronted by him. I cant really say clear off !!! If I say clear off he gets mad and starts ranting saying stuff he hopes the staff will hear and I cant leave the place cause it is my work place !!!!

 

So if any one has any clues how to keep this guy away, cause he does not take the hint !!! I think he knows without me, he is sdfsijdhfdsifghsej !!! but I dont need him !!!

[Jinx]

My problem seems to be, I have to work hard that avoiding this guy. I just dont know how to deal with him when I will be confronted by him. I cant really say clear off !!! If I say clear off he gets mad and starts ranting saying stuff he hopes the staff will hear and I cant leave the place cause it is my work place !

 

I think that would generally qualify as harassment. You've made it clear you do not want to speak with him, he keeps showing up. Technically you've tried to make your point clear and he will not leave you alone. You could possibly complain to your boss or police and file something against him I presume. I'm not quite sure how you'd go about that but if he can't get a clue for himself then you'll need a higher authority to get a clue for him. If you don't take steps, he'll just keep up with it and you'll end up being the one who gets fired for disruption or however, and it'll hurt you not him in the end.

[jonny1234]

but then he says he is going to tell everyone that I touched him up. Even though this has happened loads, and loads of time, and he let me, never stopped me once. He makes it sounds like I abused him, even though we are in our late 20's.

 

Why would he do a thing, is it is way of explaining him being gay !!! my fault !!!

[Tigris]

Get a restraining order against him straight away. If you don't do this you could end up losing your job. It's obvious you're suffering from stress through his harassment.

 

Good luck

[jonny1234]

He called me this week. I did not answer the first few times. Then I thought maybe I should answer.

 

He wanted to call at my work, I said no as I was not available to see him. When he insisted, I agreed to meet him else where to avoid a situation. I really did not want him calling at my work.

 

It has been great without him about or calling, however I do miss the goods times we had.

 

So when I met him. He started going off on one, telling me that I should pay some bill for him. I said I could do nothing, and stated the reasons. The situation got heated and he was blocking me leaving until he got an answer.

 

I eventually left, without giving an answer. This guy does not work, he is busy doing his church work, that he has little time to earn a living. A real job would interfer with with his life style. If he is in such a situation, why does he not get a job ? Why does he expect me to bail him out ?

 

After I left, he called me, and hurled insult after insult and basically threatened with saying stuff on me, and just threathening to cause trouble for me with my family. What's with this guy ?

 

We used to be friends and very close. or was it just in my mind ? What does he want from me ? Can things ever be the way they where ? Why does he keep blaming me for everything wrong in his life and with him. Cause we shared a bed, and a massaged him at his request etc etc, this is all my fault he is screwed up ???

 

How can I resolve stuff with him ? How can we be friends again ? If not how can I keep him away from me, and from damaging my family situation ?

 

Does he have more to lose than me, him being very involved in a church.

 

Everyone says he is gay !!! I have heard from loads of people and people not connected with him.

 

I think he blames me for him being gay, and for having no job as he has so many dis-orders that he says I caused.

 

This is driving me nuts !!! Think somehow I need to be away from him.

 

How ???