want him back, working on it, what do I do?

[antkojm1]

a little background......

 

Paul and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. I was 19, he was 18 when we met, and he moved in with me shortly after. He moved directly from his parent's house into my apartment, he's never lived alone. I've been successful in my career for the most part, and have usually been able to provide everything we needed. I provided him with the house he wanted, all insurance, cell phone, car, everything he wanted I gave him. Unfortunately I hated the house I bought for him, and it made me very depressed. The combination of that, work stress, financial stress, isolated me. I didn't go out anymore, I didn't spend much time with him out, I only wanted him to stay in the house when I had time and just sit and watch tv or a movie.

 

6, almost 7 weeks ago, Paul came home and said he's breaking up with me. It was the most horrible night of my life, the first time I had ever actually considered suicide. I begged, pleaded, literally clung to him crying. But I'm over that part. I was able to get him to stay the night, because I really did think I would have done it that night if he would have left then. In the past weeks many things have happened. First few weeks, we talked every day, and hung out, either with friends or alone, every 3 days. On several occasions, he told me that he's not ruling anything out, he even told friends that he hoped things did work out. On several occasions, we had sex. He would tell me I always knew how to make him feel good, better than anyone ever has... So, obviously he's still attracted to me.

 

Last week, he spent a week away with some family in south carolina. I told him before he left that we shouldn't talk or have any communication while he was away. He agreed that it would be best. I told him it would be difficult, that I would really miss talking to him, but that I would be able to do it. When he got back in town, I called him, and told him that I really just wanted/needed to know how he was feeling/what he was thinking. Ugh, what a mistake.

 

He came to the house and we went for a walk. He told me then that he didn't think he ever wanted to get back together. He said that even though he has had great fun with me when we hang out since we "separated", that he "has an impression of me in his mind, that has some negative feelings surrounding it, and he doesn't think that will ever, ever change." He said that the sex we had, and the subsequent sleeping together and holding each other all night was just lust. He said he needs to be alone for a while to figure out himself, and learn how to be independent, because he says he is incredibly insecure about himself. He says he does see, "more than anyone how much you have really changed, you're not inhibiting yourself anymore, you're outgoing and confident again, and you are a wonderful person"

 

Since that night, last thursday, we haven't seen each other. I've carried on with my life, been out with friends, enjoyed myself as much as possible, and decided to let him make contact and not press for us to see each other. He called me that friday night, asked me how I was doing, I said I was doing ok and that I was going out tonight with some new friends. I then told him I had to get going, but that he should call me sunday or monday if he wants to...

 

And he did, he called me last night. Very late, part of me thinks he was waiting to see if I would call him first. I followed alot of advice I've been given to answer questions with another question. He asked "do you have a couple minutes?" I said "maybe, why?" He said he wanted to talk to me for a little bit, and we talked for about half an hour about random stupid things, but it was a nice conversation.

 

Now, when he told me that I needed to start getting over him last thursday, I believed him. I started to get over him. I know how to deal with getting over someone, I've done it before. But then talking to him last night made me still think there was hope. I didn't try to get him to see me or hang out with me, I didn't even try to get him to say when he would call me next. We just ended the call with him saying he would call me later, and he told me to have a good night.

 

My relationship with him has really been the best I've ever had. He is everything I want, he is my type, and he always told me I was what he wanted, that I was his type. The fact that we still have great sex, and we have such fun together, doesn't that mean anything? I know he felt overwhelmed with life the past couple months, but how can he say because of his impression of me, he can't ever get back together with me, at least not for years... I know he needs time, and I'm going to give it to him, but I'm so confused about if I should move on or not...

 

Sorry for the novel...

[Mrocza]

Honestly, he is not the guy for you.

 

You've basically supported him for x amount of time. You bought him everything.

 

I think you became co-dependant in this relationship and needed him and only him around to keep you happy - never going out together, always staying in.

 

I think your break up behaviour now is not healthy. You're still in contact, you're still very much in love with him and you're still having sex with him - isn't it enough that you provided him with a home and all that? Now you're giving up something that special without the responsibility on his side?

No sex.

It just hurts you.

 

If there was hope in the relationship, he would tell you. He told you there is none before. If talking to him right now is too hard for you and makes you feel as if there is hope, for YOURSELF, don't contact him. It will only continue to torture you and hinder your healing.

 

Even if you think he is your type, don't let him hurt you like this. He's told you how he's felt. He is keeping contact with you because it is easy for him and unfair to you. He has not given you any reason to believe you would get back together and yet he is still subtly leading you on.

 

He is acting very selfish - he knows how you feel but keeps contacting you. You do not deserve this. Do not contact him and ask him not to contact you unless he's serious about giving it a shot, otherwise he's just hurting you both.

[antkojm1]

Mrocza,

 

I did become codependant. But, we did go out and have fun together, when things weren't so complicated with work, money, and life. We had some of the best times of our lives together....

 

I really don't know if I can say no the next time he calls me and wants to have sex. All the while, until recently, he said he wasn't sure about getting back together but was open to whatever happens and wasn't ruling anything out.

 

I don't know if I can tell him not to contact me, I love hearing from him...

[renaissancewoman101]

Antkojm1, I can understand how hard it is for you to keep away from him and not have sex with him. Most of us crave the closeness and the comfort and love that we once had with our ex's. That is normal. But it doesnt help us heal to keep that closeness and comfort when there is nothing there (no meaningful relationship or chance of getting back together). You have to be strong for yourself, love yourself, and pull away from him and not talk to him or sleep with him. It is not something easy to do. It will probably be one of the hardest things that you will have to do, but it will help you heal and move on. It might also be the ONE thing that can bring him back to you. Right now he has the best of both worlds. He is free from a relationship with you and yet he enjoys all the perks of a relationship with you (talking to you, sleeping with you) without having to deal with the responsibilities of having a relationship. If you pull away from him and take those perks away from him, it will cause him to rethink why he left you, it will make him miss you, and it just might bring him back to you. That is why, in a lot of cases, NC (No Contact) does bring back the SO.

[Mrocza]

He wants sex for sex, you want sex to feel close to him. It's not healthy. Really, for your own well being, don't do it. You will only feel worse about yourself and he will value you even less when he's getting it for free.

 

Stand up for yourself!! All or nothing, hun.

 

He's not saying yes and he's not saying no. He's keeping the options open so he can string you along. I'm sorry, but if he really wanted to be with you, he would give you an honest answer. It sounds like he's beating around the bush and not owning up to the responsibility of being honest with you because he doesn't want to deal with it. Sure he is open to whatever happens, he still wants sex.

 

If you really want him back, stand up for yourself. Tell him you want to be with him, but until then you are not going to make yourself open to be hurt. If he wants to commit he knows where to find you but you are not willing to have sex and talk because it is too hard for you right now because he can't make up his mind.

 

He is not being fair to YOU. Neither are you.

 

It's hard, but right now I think you are better off alone, because you're hurting yourself more this way.

[antkojm1]

I'm just so terrified that I'm never going to find anyone that I will like as much as I like him, and never be able to love anyone again the way I love him... It's so much more difficult for gay men to find good spouses, because so many only want sex. I'm so tired of it.

[Mrocza]

It's difficult, but not impossible.

 

You need to focus on yourself now and healing. It's going to be hard, it's going to be lonely for a while, but eventually you will become content and start to love being yourself by yourself.

 

A relationship does not make or break you. It's an expeirence, it ended badly, but that doesn't mean your experience will end. You're still young!

 

You may not want to think about dating other people, and that's ok! But it doesn't mean it won't happen eventually, when you're ready.

 

You'll find a guy who wants to be with you for you and it'll last - you're letting you ex use you for ex now. If you stand up for yourself, it won't hurt any more or less, but you'll start to respect yourself more.

[antkojm1]

I have considered dating other people... Perhaps a mutual rebound relationship of some sort, with someone in a similar situation? I'm so lost.

[Mrocza]

Rebounds aren't healthy. I don't recommend them personally because...well, it'll probably remind you of your ex and make you feel even worse about yourself because it wasn't you ex. You'll start feeling worse and worse.

 

Focus on healing yourself. If you think you could handle it, then sure, I guess rebound.

 

 

Your pic? You're GOOD LOOKING! I don't know why you think you won't find someone!!!

[antkojm1]

because gay men, for the most part, only want sex, and if you're not perfect or at least seem perfect, they don't even want that. it took so long and so much effort to find Paul in the first place, and I thought I would be with him forever

[Mrocza]

Generalizations...

 

And Women only want guys with money and guys only want girls with big boobs.

 

It took long to find Paul, but you found him. Frankly the dating scene in general, not just gay, is hard. It's hard to find someone to connect to. But you're still young! you have everything ahead of you. Maybe most guys you meet are after just sex, but not ALL. There was you and Paul after all.

 

You're not a rare breed of monogamous gays.

 

Give it a shot. Focus on you, have fun in the meantime but relationships come on their own. Don't stick around with Paul just because you think you'll never find someone else...that's unrealistic. You're still heartbroken- its natural to think that.

 

You will be happy, eventually. If you give yourself the time to heal.

[antkojm1]

so no contact is really the only way to either get over him or get him back? How do I do that? What should I say when he calls me again? He still has alot of his stuff at the house, and he doesn't have storage space for it, and so many of the things we had are in both our names (his car, our cell phones, insurance, etc) how do I split all that up and get him to get his stuff without having contact with him?

[Mrocza]

Make a date to have everything organized, or split up the things on your own - take back what YOU own or what YOU payed for, unless it was exclusively a gift, or offer a price for him to buy it off of you.

 

Take his stuff to a storage place, it's like $2/month, not that expensive.

 

Once you have everything settled, NC occurs.

[antkojm1]

Ugh, as if I didn't need more conflicting/confusing advice... I was talking to a friend of mine tonight, who has been a friend of Paul's since he was 16. She said "I know Paul very well, and I really think things will work out, he's just really confused right now, don't give up on him yet"

 

*scream*

 

Meanwhile, stuck in the house I hate, that I bought, for him. I feel like burning it to the ground.

[antkojm1]

it may be because I'm a bit buzzed at the moment, and I just went out with a bunch of friends that don't like Paul, but I'm realizing how bad he really was for me.

 

Let's see... He's been an alcoholic for a year, he was only working 24 hours a week and complained that he worked too much, while I worked 16 hours a day to pay for the house I bought for him. I always thought he had alot of talent w/ his art, but apparently I'm the only one that thought so. He's spent the past 4.5 years piddling around with whatever he wanted and never making anything of himself, while I did extremely well with my career and provided everything. Maybe this is good, that I didn't waste 10 years with him?

 

I just hope I feel the same way in the morning. I need to.

 

For once, I actually think I would not answer the phone if he called, not because I shouldn't, but because I don't want to.

[kadvati79]

People can and do change. I think he needs to grow without you as hard as that is and you just never know what tomorrow may bring for both of you. It may bring you back together one day, it may not. He may say now that he doesn't ever see it happening but I have seen people say this to ex's they subsequently got very hung up on. Being a gay male (and young) adds a unique dynamic element to a relationship that makes things kind of rocky. If you really love him, let him go find himself. Keep out of his life as much as you can. If you do hear or see things, don't take them personally. He will not forget you!

 

Hit me up in PM if you want any advice mate. Or for that matter... you have any for me...

[Prufrock06]

Though icemotoboy's right in that you don't know how things are going to turn out for both of you tomorrow, or a week from now, or two years from now, I also feel like the young gay male dating scene isn't as dire a situation as you might think. I say this because I sometimes feel the same way: it's like looking for something mature, honest and lasting in a sea of people who just want superficial, open-ended relationships or cheap, easy thrills.

 

And yet there are many people out there (me included, as well as others on this message board) who have the same complaints and worries that you have. It seems within the gay dating scene, finding someone as genuine as you think your ex-boyfriend is is like finding a diamond in the rough. And I feel like, were things not to eventually work out with you and your ex (and don't get me wrong, I sincerely hope that things work out for the best with you two! you won't be trapped in some kind of limbo or whatever. Your profile says you live in Baltimore -- that's a large metropolitan area and there are SO many guys of so many different varieties that there are bound to be other guys you would gel with. As I said, I feel the same way you do sometimes but then I realize that I too live in a big metropolitan area (the D.C. Metro area) and so when I or my friends complain about the lack of genuine, serious gay guys, I just think about what a large area I live in and in a sense, it makes the situation seem a lot less hopeless than it does at other times.

 

Anyway, not having been in a four-year long relationship, I can only imagine how rough a period this must be. Just wanted to pass along some words of encouragement and hope.

 

Best of luck!

[antkojm1]

Thank you everyone.

 

Today was rough, and its not nearly over. I went with some friends to the aquarium. I shouldn't have done this, I've never been there without Paul. I was ok for some of it, but right before we were supposed to be going to see the dolphin show, I just broke down and had to leave.

 

I can't stand this up and down s***. Last night I felt powerful, like I could really get over him, but today I don't, I feel at the mercy of his words. I went to see a friend for comfort, who is also a friend of his. She told me it appears as if he has moved on right now, and I need to do the same. Meanwhile, tonight he is seeing the previously mentioned friend that told me not to give up on him, and they're going to "talk."

 

The only reason I am really able to stay out of contact with him right now is because I know its what he wants and needs. I've always tried to give him what he wanted or needed.

 

I hate being alone so much. I have never really been happy while single, and I know that's not healthy but it's how I am. I want and need a partner to share my life with.

 

...drunk again...

[kadvati79]

Today was rough, and its not nearly over.

 

I wish I could tell you there wouldn't be rough days, or that they would get easier. They don't really, sometimes they just come along and split you in two! But what I have found is that I COPE with the rough days much easier, because each time I go through one I realise I am going to SURVIVE this one because I SURVIVED the last one.

 

I went with some friends to the aquarium. I shouldn't have done this, I've never been there without Paul. I was ok for some of it, but right before we were supposed to be going to see the dolphin show, I just broke down and had to leave.

 

That was a good thing. You faced the fear. You need to sanitise these sacred places by going there to get rid of the "I haven't been there/done this since we broke up" otherwise they will assume some sort of mythical significance. This is a bad place to be. You need to reclaim these places for yourself and realise that the past is NOT destroyed by doing this. Nobody can take away those memories of you and paul at the aquarium.

 

You can and should do these things. Yes, they will hurt a bit especially for a start. And even now for me over two months on I am terrified about my birthday in the next few weeks and even more so with our anniversary in june... because my memories will be focused on them. But I have to face them. And you will surprise yourself by how you survive them.

 

I can't stand this up and down s***. Last night I felt powerful, like I could really get over him, but today I don't, I feel at the mercy of his words. I went to see a friend for comfort, who is also a friend of his. She told me it appears as if he has moved on right now, and I need to do the same. Meanwhile, tonight he is seeing the previously mentioned friend that told me not to give up on him, and they're going to "talk."

 

Yeah, the ups and downs are a real problem. I wish they could be all ups. But I think its the body's way of processing emotion. You are going through a massive emotional change and withdrawl. Even in a physical sense, this is a profound thing for the body to progress through.

 

The only reason I am really able to stay out of contact with him right now is because I know its what he wants and needs. I've always tried to give him what he wanted or needed.

 

I know how you feel, and its a good place to be. You just have to let him go do his thing. Thats one of the most selfless things you can do, is to let someone you love go. I know its hard (believe me) and sometimes I want to be real selfish and have my ex back... but thats just not the way the world works and I love him too much to cause him unhappiness for my own selfishness.

 

I hate being alone so much. I have never really been happy while single, and I know that's not healthy but it's how I am. I want and need a partner to share my life with.

 

"I have never really been happy while single" - to be a good partner, you are going to need to solve this one my friend. Without a stable and happy single life you cannot build a solid and successful relationship because your happiness rests on your relationship. Thats not companionship, its ownership akin to possession.

 

...drunk again...

 

Stop drinking, and start working out. Eat healthy. You provided for Paul so long its time to provide for yourself. What are those things you always wanted to do and dreamed of when you were 18 before you met Paul? Maybe you wanted to buy a porche or something? Climb a mountain? Run a marathon? Get some projects to help build you life back outside of relationships.

 

Keep me posted dude! And be strong! If you can't do it for yourself, do it for Paul. Its what he would want.

[antkojm1]

I've come to the realization that we both lost ourselves during the relationship. I always felt responsible for taking of certain needs he had (that he could have, should have taken care of on his own) and he always felt responsible for taking care of certain needs I had (again, that I could have, should have taken care of on my own). And now, we're both taking care of ourselves. Or at least I think so.

 

I just wish he would be open to understanding this, and that it didn't happen because we aren't compatible, we were just inexperienced...

 

*sigh*

[Mrocza]

It's obviously going to take a while to feel good...but you're trying and thats the important thing. Rome wasn't built in a day! (Yes, lame, I know)

 

I don't think you lost yourself so much as you misplaced yourself. It's hard going from 4 years of something you know with someone you know and have invested your time and emotions with, to a fresh new start. Especially when you don't want to...but you can't lie to yourself. Maybe this is all for the best - but you just can't see it now?

 

I think it's good that you're learning to take care of yourself. I don't think you can be in a relationship unless you're 100% stable on your own. I think that time when you "don't need anyone" is the best time to get into a relationship, because you are happy with yourself, even if it means being by yourself.

 

You don't give anyone a chance to let you down because no one can bring you down.

 

He'll understand it one day, hun. It takes a while, almost a life time, to realize most things.

 

You're already on the right track.

 

Stop beating yourself up or feeling responsible. You are your own man. What about what you want?

 

Icemotoboy nailed it on the head- read his post and take it to heart.

[antkojm1]

Wow, so many things have happened in the last 24 hours...

 

I met my friend Liz for lunch (this is the friend that said I shouldn't give up on him just yet), and she basically told me alot of what I needed to hear. She said that, during her long conversation with Paul last night, she realized that Paul has never really had time on his own to figure himself out. I realized that I had this time to figure myself out before I met Paul (I've lived on my own since I was 17), but Paul never did. She also told me that, as Paul is young for his age, and I am old for my age, the amounts of time needed to develope are far different between us, and I cannot apply my reasoning to Paul.

 

Now, this is profound for me. It really is. I know when I wake up again I will miss Paul, but no longer will I feel the overwhelming guilt. It was not my fault at all that this happened. I heard it from many people, but never from Liz, until now. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this, except for not getting into the relationship in the first place. I didn't let anyone down, ever, in fact quite the opposite, I have been a wonderful and caring person to be with from day one. I showed him the world and a life he dreamed of, and he wasn't ready.

 

Now, on to other topics... On my way to Liz's for lunch, I decided to try calling, once again, someone I was previously interested in (before meeting Paul), but who wasn't ready for a real relationship then. This time, I left a message. Not 5 minutes later he called me back, and sounded quite happy to hear from me. We're going out to a club saturday night.

 

Then, I had one of the best nights of my entire life. My best friend Nick and I decided to go down to DC for a while. We wound up having some drinks, and heading over to the gay area of DC. We went from club to bar to club, meeting tons of people, having a great time. I even got a few numbers. Eventually, we tagged along with a group of people, and wandered around some of the most beautiful places in the city. And missed the metro, so we wandered around until 5am when it opened again.

 

It's days like this you really see how strong of a person you can be when you need and want to. I will never forget this day for as long as I live. I know it sounds petty to some of you out there, but the incredibly eye-opening and profound conversations and events that have occurred today are far from petty to me.

 

I've started moving on. I don't know what I'm really in for in the next few weeks and months, but I'm excited about it.

[kadvati79]

she realized that Paul has never really had time on his own to figure himself out. I realized that I had this time to figure myself out before I met Paul (I've lived on my own since I was 17), but Paul never did.

 

This is very true and very common reasons for young people breaking up. Life experience gives us the tools with which to deal with problems. People often say "how could he throw it all away?", well, they throw it away because they don't have the life experience with which to deal with the situations or emotions, so they simply pop their parachute and exit.

 

As you gain life experience and tackle situations, you get more tools and things make more sense accross all aspects of your life. You get clarity about what really matters. But you can't get this clarity if you haven't got the life experience. Thats why you can look at your ex and go "why the HELL is he doing that? Its so stupid!" when he does something that doesn't make much sense. Well, he's probably experimenting. He won't have the breadth of life experience to put everything in perspective and instead thinks "it seems like a good idea at the time".

 

She also told me that, as Paul is young for his age, and I am old for my age, the amounts of time needed to develope are far different between us, and I cannot apply my reasoning to Paul.

 

This was obvious to me in my discussions with you. I think you knew this all along, and you valued it in a sense. His spontaniety, his lack of life experience bought a unique outlook on life that made you reflect on your own life in a different way. She is very right, you cannot apply your reasoning to Paul as he thinks totally different, has alot less life experience, and his outlook on life is very different.

 

It was not my fault at all that this happened. I heard it from many people, but never from Liz, until now. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this, except for not getting into the relationship in the first place.

 

Its really good you reached this point, when you reach this point you can start healing.

 

It's days like this you really see how strong of a person you can be when you need and want to. I will never forget this day for as long as I live. I know it sounds petty to some of you out there, but the incredibly eye-opening and profound conversations and events that have occurred today are far from petty to me.

 

Once I was climbing a very, very difficult route on a mountain with my climbing partner. It was rock (NZ rock! Very loose), moderate altitude, and lots of snow and ice. The route became more and more complex and the problems bigger and bigger. Each time we went higher we knew that if we got to an obsticale we couldnt surmount, we would have to abseil all the way back down and didn't know if we had enough gear to do that.

 

At each problem I thought "this is it, I can't handle any more than this. I will do this problem but the next one I will just have to give up". I was so ****ing scared out of my mind! I just wanted to stay alive! Well, I kept meeting these problems and saying to myself I would just do this one but if there were any more... I would give up and just die. I kept going... WELL past any concept I had of my skill, physical, and mental limits. Beyond any assemblance I had of what I was capable of. And when we did end up having abseil down, once I hit the glacier and was walking back to the hut - I had this tremedous sense of just being glad to be alive.

 

I suppose what I am trying to say that it is these moments, truly special ones, where you surprise yourself with strength you never knew you had. I keep these moments with me. They help give perspective and strength when I need it.

 

I've started moving on. I don't know what I'm really in for in the next few weeks and months, but I'm excited about it.

 

They'll still be rocky, but each good day is ammunition to fight the bad ones. When a bad day comes along and you feel that you will be like tha forever, now you can say to yourself... "ahaa! thats not true, I had a good day, and there will be other good days as well!".

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[antkojm1]

So friday night, I saw Paul. He was at a friend's house, and I was invited over...

 

Seeing him was strange. We said hello to each other, hugged, and he told me he was drunk, but I already knew that. Surprisingly, I didn't feel any pain, at first. He was making an * * * of himself, screaming at their dog and breaking things. I thought to myself "wow, I'm glad I don't have to apologize for him anymore"

 

Then, we all went to a club, Paul and I in different cars of course. I drank alot. Paul was one of 2 people actually dancing. I made the mistake of going over to them and asking if they minded if I joined them. They said they didn't mind, so I did. After half an hour of that, I started feeling the pain. The pain of seeing Paul dancing again without any inclination towards me really got to me, so I walked away to sit down for a while. I started crying. My friends comforted me, they did their best to hide me from Paul, but I know he saw me for a second, I just hope he doesn't remember it. He left shortly after, apparently because he was feeling sick.

 

I haven't seen or heard from him since. I really hope I didn't screw up too much, or ruin any future chances of getting back together. I don't know whether or not I will actually want to get back together if Paul continues on his current path, but at the same time I don't want to ruin any chance of it happening...

 

I want to call Paul so much. Even though he made an * * * of himself in front of everyone, I still just want to hear his voice more than anything and ask him how he's doing. He hasn't called me since last monday night... Does he not miss me?

[kadvati79]

I think you have been doing very, very well with this so far. You are pushing your boundaries and thats good, because now you know where they are. You felt fine meeting Paul, hugging him, and seeing him make an * * * out of himself. So you figured you would see how much you could take. And you found out. Its a good lesson (and one I will be keeping close if I end up seeing my ex this weekend).

 

I think he misses you. But he doesn't WANT to miss you. You remind him of happy and sane times. But thats not what he wants at the moment. He doesn't want happy and sane I don't think, he wants to be young and stupid. Nobody can really say what he is feeling, probably not even himself and in these situations I think his actions will be betraying his feelings. In fact, his feelings are probably all over the show.

 

I don't think you screwed up reconcilliation chances, but I think next time I would have made a graceful exit. Thats my plan now if I ever bumped into my ex and emotion started to seep through, exit and onto motorbike and away! Ultimately, ex's that are truly compatible and that truly love each other seem to get back together DESPITE of all the crazy stuff that goes on between them after the breakup.

 

I know what you mean about wanting to call. I really felt last night like I wished I had really told my ex how I felt before we broke up. My thoughts and realisations last night were a BOMBSHELL to me and levelled me completely after over two months of healing. I may just get my chance to discuss all this with him this weekend if we end up "catching up" before this club opening...

 

I get the feeling you went and danced with him, thinking he would be attracted to you and come over. But you have to remember, he is fighting whatever feelings he has for you, because he doesn't want to get back together at the moment. Even if he does feel something (and I think he probably does in many ways) he isn't going to let it show or act on it for some time.