want him back, working on it, what do I do?

[antkojm1]

Actually I almost didn't go at all. I was invited and planned on going, but when I found out Paul was going to be there, I immediately changed my mind. Paul's aunt and uncle (yes, I know I shouldn't be talking to them, but I am very close to them) talked me into going.

 

If he misses me, then why doesn't he call... Today has now been a week since I've actually talked to him, but I won't call him, I'm just afraid he'll never call me again.

 

A few weeks ago when we went out to dinner, he told me a number of things that I still think about:

 

"I really like the new Joe"

"This whole thing has thrown me for a loop, I'm all over the place emotionally"

"You are really looking good"

 

That night we had sex.

 

But now its all different. His entire approach to me has changed since he went away for that week.

 

I danced with him because I did want him to be attracted to me. I keep replaying the night, over a month ago, that we wound up dancing together and he was attracted to me, wound up kissing me then going home to have sex. And I want it to happen again. I feel like I'm falling backwards.

 

I just don't understand how he can just ignore me. I'm now the most attractive and outgoing I've ever been.

 

This past saturday was 3 weeks since we last had sex. The first time we had sex after "separating" was after 3 weeks of no sex. I'm so terrified he's going to go have sex with someone else.

 

Arrrrgh.

[antkojm1]

So now I'm back to bargaining with myself, wishing he would just open back up to me, or remember all the great times we had together, and want to come back. I can't stand the thought of him not wanting to get back together for years...

[antkojm1]

In my mind, there is a constant battle between emotional and rational thought. The ups are rational, the downs are emotional. This is driving me up the * * * *ing wall, I feel so stupid and that's not like me.

 

My rational arguments, for my own future reference:

 

Paul:

* is immature

* did not give me the affection I wanted

* is not as sexual as I am

* had very little in common with me

* is now an alcoholic

* was financially dependant

* runs from his problems

* rarely expresses his true feelings

* has poor communication skills

 

and my irrational emotional thoughts:

 

* I will never find anyone I am as attracted to again - already been extremely attracted to several guys I've met recently

* I will never find anyone as interesting and exciting again - I'm confusing interesting and exciting with immaturity

* Paul is the best I can get - not true, I've had some pretty hot guys after me, they just weren't my type

* I will never have as much fun with anyone else as I do with Paul - already have been having as much, if not more

[jonny1234]

Been there, think am still there, but listen, dont get caught up on him. I know it is difficult to shift those thoughts. I know there is nothing more you want to do than call him, but for your sanity sake you must block the thoughts, and bit by bit you will get there.

 

Does any one know how to successfully get over some-one. Is there a successful way to remove those thoughts and feeling . ? Especially when you want to be with some-one.

 

Any clues ???

 

But I know this, you have to move on, at this stage regardless, as much as it hurts. You have to remove him from your mind !!! Some how, dont know how !!!

[chblueguy]

do you see a future with him or are you making youself see one?

[antkojm1]

do you see a future with him or are you making youself see one?

I don't know. We got along great, we always had fun when things were good, we're extremely attracted to each other, I really think we fit well.

[jonny1234]

Sounds like you need to be brave enough to let go at this time.

 

Put the ball in his court and leave it, until it comes back.

 

Try and leave it !!! Take a break and try to get him out of your head, even a few weeks or a month, and you will feel loads better.

 

But I guess you know your circumstances best

[kadvati79]

I think you are going through much what I did and still am. I received some advice from tropicalgal to just let my emotions happen, to not desperately try to validate them all the time, and to not set timelines when I "should" be feeling this and feeling that.

 

The more I experience this the more I think when love takes a back seat and a relationship ends, you don't want to "get someone back" you want to fall in love all over again. If you don't fall in love again, after time apart, and personal growth on both sides - then you are simply falling back into the old traps.

 

As I have said before, love isn't rational. And your ex's actions are not rational either. He is going on a journey where you can't follow.

 

"This whole thing has thrown me for a loop, I'm all over the place emotionally"

 

I think his feelings are all over the place as he described. This is probably a good reason to NOT sleep with him. I think feelings have taken a back seat in his thinking at the moment and he needs to go with what feels good. He is all about experiences. This is an important part of a persons life when they experience life. Thats why they call it "life experience". Once you have some life experience, you yearn for something more... thats when love and feelings come into play. You are caught between his two phases. You helped him grow into this phase, and as painful as it is, he has to do the rest on his own two feet.

 

You can't dwell on how right you two were and how wrong his decision was. That decision has been made for you. You have it easy in that sense, because you won't have to deal with the inevitable regret that all dumpers from good relationships face. Is part of you scared he will never regret it? He will. Believe me.

 

You need to decide how you are going to face this... on your knees head sunk down, or on your feet fighting to make yourself a better person.

[antkojm1]

You are caught between his two phases. You helped him grow into this phase, and as painful as it is, he has to do the rest on his own two feet.

He did tell me, the night he said he didn't want to get back together, "I wouldn't be as mature as I am now if it weren't for you, but I have to do the rest on my own"

 

It's now been 9 days since I had a conversation with him. I wish he would call me, but I won't call him.

 

I talked to his uncle last night. I know I shouldn't be talking to them but I'm still close to them. He told me again that I just give it time, date other people if I have to. Also, the day before he came back from vacation and told me he didn't want to get back together, he told his aunt and uncle that "he's just not ready to move back in yet"

 

*scream*

 

Anyway, back to working out. On a positive note, I'm feeling really good about myself.

[antkojm1]

So, I was talking to an ex/friend of mine earlier tonight, and he said something to me that I found very.... interesting:

 

you know what makes you differnt from other gay guys i have met

is that you are looking for someone to grow old with

 

I never really thought of it that way. I am looking for someone to grow old with, and share my entire life with them. Part of me feels really good about hearing that, because it makes me feel like I'm a person worth loving. But, the rest of me feels scared, that I won't find anyone else that wants the same thing.

[antkojm1]

Another day of living, another day of missing him.

 

I can barely stand no contact, I want to call him right now and tell him how much I am still in love with him, and how I would do anything to have him back in my life.

 

But, I won't. Have to stay strong.

[jonny1234]

take a break, leave it for a while or esle this will drive u mental. Put those thoughts out of your mind.

 

If he wants you, he will ring.

 

But I guess you will do your own thing anyway

[antkojm1]

Tonight I realized something... Just because I cannot make new memories of my relationship with Paul, that doesn't mean I have to give up all the ones I already have. We made each other happy for the most part, and nothing can ever take that away from either of us.

 

Its very strange, I'm a very very sentimental person. When I think of the past, I always, always become sad because the past is gone. I don't yet know how to be happy when I think of the past, and I think this is a fundamental problem for me.

[antkojm1]

So, he called. I didn't answer. I called him back shortly after.

 

He wanted to know about bill payments, like when things are due, etc.

 

We had a nice conversation, about work, life, etc... I told him I was out of food for his chinchilla that is still at the house, and he said he would come and get it. I said I didn't want to be here when he came to get it, even though I wanted more than anything for him to see me and how much better I look.

 

I almost caved in and said to come by when I was here. The problem was I couldn't just leave the door unlocked and go somewhere, I live in the city. Then Paul said "no, I shouldn't come by when you're there." Why did that devistate me? He doesn't want to see me either?!? It really hurts.

 

So, instead, I'm going to leave the back patio door unlocked. There is a tall gate before it that he knows the combination to.

 

I want to see him so badly. Maybe I'll leave the weights out, he hasn't seen what I've been lifting lately...

 

Why does it have to hurt so much, why do I have to miss him so much

[lil_kaila]

I think you did the right thing by letting him get the chinchilla while you're not there. You don't have to be sad that he doesn't want you to be there..... because you suggested the same thing. It doesn't mean he never wants to see you again or whatever. It seems that the wounds are still fresh right now and from reading all your posts it's probably best for both of you to not be in contact too much for a while.

 

I know it hurts a lot right now, but I promiss it will get better!

 

Big hug and take care!

[chblueguy]

To me, it seems like you're in different places. I say that true love doesn't know space or time. So if he's really the one, I'd say let him mature or do what he has to do so that maybe one day you 2 could end up together. I know you still love him, and you can't stop thinking about him, but you have to in order to stop the hurt. I was in a similar situation and I just recently got over him. I realized that if it's meant to be, it'll be in the future, but in them mean time, I have to move on.

 

The no contact advice is the best you can get. I know they say absense makes the heart grow fonder, but in this type of situation, the saying "out of sight, out of mind" applies and I think that's something you'll have to do. Don't let someone with potential pass you by b/c you're hung up on him.

[kadvati79]

You know, its the whys that really cut me up now. Its them that make the gaps, its the pain of loosing what at times was perhaps a fantasy of happiness. Breakups are a traumatic experience for anyone, and I think in your situation, as with mine, its very difficult to move on without questioning the very foundation for your existence.

 

Why do I feel this way? Why am I still so upset? Why did I have to love him so much? Why did he abandon me? How did I go from an uncaring a**hole into the person I am now? Why did this happen to us? and How could this happen to us?

 

Now what I try to do is shrug those why's off. I chalk it all up to weird and mysterious and all that, and figure that time will answer them much better than my mind will because I keep going around and around in circles. I think you, like me, are trying to do the best as you can. Like me, you don't loose. You solve things. You find out what needs fixed and fix it. Well, there ain't no easy answer for this... Its hard - thats for sure.

[antkojm1]

Very well put icemotoboy.

 

Well, its official. Its been 2 months since he left, and I'm feeling better every day.

 

I wound up seeing him friday. He called me while he was at the house, and asked me for some help. He looked alright. He was wearing the most ridiculous clothes I have ever seen him wear, and that's saying alot. We were civil to each other, actually quite nice, but I didn't feel much pain. Kept the conversation short, hugged goodbye, and he was off.

 

I started a new job on Monday. I love it. Its the most money I've ever made, its a great environement, and so far I'm getting along really well with everyone else there. I'm really happy with the direction my life has been taking lately. In some strange way, Paul breaking up with me, was really the best thing that could have happened for ME right now, even if I don't think it was the best thing Paul could have done for himself.

 

All of my good friends called and asked me how my first day was. Paul called me at around 5pm but I ignored it. He called me again later at night, only to tell me he gave himself whiplash again and wouldn't be able to pick up more of his stuff on tuesday. He didn't ask me at all about how my first day was. Now, that hurt.

 

So, now I'm considering telling him not to call me anymore. If he needs to communicate with me, text or email me, but no phone conversations. What does everyone think? It really hurt that he called and talked about how bad he was doing, and didn't ask me at all about how things were with me. Also, the last time he injured his neck, about 6 months ago, I completely took care of him, did everything for him. I wonder if he's thinking about that. This injury is worse.

 

I'm going out with a guy that I have some serious sexual interest in on thursday. I don't know if it will turn in to something real, but somehow I'm not allowing myself to have any expectations.

 

More to come...

 

Thank you everyone.

[jonny1234]

Perfect !!!! Glad to see you are moving on.

 

In a few more months you will be telling yourself how much better off you are with out him.

 

Break the contact and get on with life.

[antkojm1]

Wow, how hypocritical of me to fall into my own stereotype.

[lil_kaila]

Wow, how hypocritical of me to fall into my own stereotype.

 

What do you mean by that?

[jonny1234]

I was wondering the same - you have lost me antkojm !!!!!

 

What do you mean !!!???

[antkojm1]

well lets see, a few weeks ago I was complaining that so many gay guys just want sex, and here I am saying how I'm sexually interested in someone and don't expect a relationship.

[chblueguy]

well what's wrong with that? you just got out of a long term relationship. you'll need a transition guy or guys. it's ok to be a stereotype for a little while.

[kadvati79]

So long as you don't feel worse afterwards, I think its all good. You have to be careful that you don't slip into using as medication for self-esteem, cause eventually that takes away more self-esteem than you get.

 

I guess I am saying is that I judge each potential encounter on its own merits, and consider how I will feel afterwards. If the outcome is a good one, then great! But I've learned to recognise when I might potentially feel bad (i.e. miss my ex), and avoid situations that reinforce that.

 

The good thing out of this, is that moving on sexually shows you have accepted the relationship is over. You aren't clinging on to that dearly, and while you might still have some hope, you have identified what you want to do in order to fulfill your own happiness outside of what your ex provided.

 

So yeah, I reckon go for it!