is this a bad idea?

[anabanana]

my boyfriend and i are pretty much breaking up at this point. it has had to do with him telling me all sorts of unnecessary things about crushes and fantasies involving his teen students and co-workers... turns out he was telling me this stuff not because it was true, but because he was being really mean and vindictive and wanted me to feel as insecure in the relationship as he has felt.

 

but anyways, he has had one crush since we have been together, and they work together. it's a harmless crush, whatever, but i can not get over this desire to see what she looks like. it drives me nuts. i really want to just go to his work and see her (he's only there from 4-6- he works somewhere else in the mornings). is this nuts?

 

i think it might just put my mind at ease since i'll finally see her and the mystery of it all will be gone. but another part of me thinks this is pretty crazy behavior. it's not like he cheated on me or anything- i am just so curious about what she looks like.

 

thoughts?

[Dako]

I'd thing your evaluation should be of your guy's behavior, the real source of the problem. His crush could be on anyone, it's his thinking that's aberrant.

 

Why does her appearance matter to you? Do you want to compare yourself to her in some superficial way so you can feel prettier or less attractive than her on some sort of scale?

[Ash]

If he's trying to be mean and make you feel insecure, has a crush on another girl that he talks about, and you feel that you're breaking up because of this (and perhaps some other things that aren't in your original post), then perhaps it's time to let it all go and move on. It doesn't sound like either of you are getting from this relationship what you should be. It's also a concern there's a feeling that he is insecure.

 

If you do decide to go this way (breakup that is) then I don't really know if there is a good point in seeing what she's like. Even if you do stay together, is there any great point in seeing her? If she's a beauty queen with a warm personality, you'll likely feel insecure. Is she's not particularly attractive physically or emotionally, then you'll wonder what on earth he sees in her that you don't have and you'll feel belittled. Either way, do you really gain much?

 

If you can assure yourself it's not going to bother you and it's a burning curiosity that you have to know, then there's nobody to stop you. I just somehow suspect there might be further outfall from it all.

 

I'd seriously think about where your relationship is with him, and at leat try to get that issue answered and resolved in your mind before you go and see what she's like.

[itsallgrand]

It depends on you.

 

On the one hand, it might help to see her and note she is a normal human being. Nothing left to imagine. Put your thoughts about it to rest.

 

On the other, it might make you feel worse. It may cause you to think about it even more.

 

Personally, I would stay away.

 

I don't think the thought is crazy, it's pretty natural after all he has been saying to you.

BUT - his attempt to make you feel insecure is working.

His words to you were mean.

No matter about this girl - this is about you feeling cruddy after he has treated you badly. You're questioning if you're okay.

 

Don't give him that. There is nothing wrong with you. He is the one being a jerk.

[anabanana]

that's true...

i think maybe it's a masochistic element of my personality that wants to know what she looks like- i just want to make sure she is actually cute!

 

he has insisted that it was a harmless crush and that i am the only one he loves and he thinks i am the most beautiful person. but she is also the only woman from work that he can specifically remember masturbating to, and it just bugs me. he says he has never thought about being in a relationship with her or anything, and hasn't put much thought into it. she's just nice and he likes her and she's sexy. he says she has nothing i don't have, it's just an innocent attraction.

 

i don't see our relationship working anyways... he is moving out today... but if it does work out, i will pobably end up meeting her at some point anyway since they work together... but probably not.

 

he has really damaged my self-esteem and sense of security with all the lies and decption in the last few months. now he has decided he can't do this anymore and pretty much just stopped talking to me altogether. very mature. i guess a part of me does want to compare myself to her, which probably isn't a good idea...

 

i don't know why i am so curious!

[Beyondthesea]

You want to see what is so much better about her than you. The answer is this: NOTHING.

 

He is just addicted to the highs that a relationship begins with.

 

He's not worth it. Move on.

[Dako]

I once met the other guy, and felt nothing at all. He was just an ordinary looking guy, a bit scared but likeable enough. I shook his hand and realized I could have been in his shoes if life dealt me that role.

[Caterina]

The man has managed to put you in a psychological bind that will be extremely difficult to get out of. The bind is very oppressive and also inhuman.

[Daddy Bear]

anabanana fofana, it's not going to give you any satisfaction to see her face. either she's better-looking than you, or you're prettier than her. doesn't matter.

 

what might give you a little satisfaction, however, is kicking to the curb this mean and vindictive guy (to use your words) who toys with your mind without a care and lets you know he's masturbating to the thought of another girl.

 

and the teen student thing, eww. that's just wrong and creepy.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I thought you said you were breaking up? Does it even matter anymore?