To much pain

[Highspeed123]

I have been in a relationship with a girl i met at work for 8 months now. Things started quick and I was fast to fall in love with her.I am a very emotional person and always take things to heart. Things started great we were so happy she talked of living together and oneday having a baby.I had never been so happy. At first it was hard because she was polish and had just come to england with her sister so she did not speak to much english.As time went by she picked it up very well and we can now have proper conversations. She has a three year old child who is very jealous of me and his mum so this is another problem we had. The big one though was that she had come out of an 8 year relationship with a man she also married for four years, he treated her bad and drank alot of alcohol and she still stayed with him. She gets very upset sometimes and her mood is very erratic, one moment she is lovely to me and the next she says horrible things and tells me she does not want a man. This started happening around xmas and finished about mid march. At that time she told me she loved me so much and that she wanted us to be ok and start a nice life together. Just last week she stayed round my house and talked about our future, I was so happy. She has to go to poland next week to finish her divorce and go to court, she always panics about things and gets depressed. This weekend she said she wanted to save money and stay at her house (she lives 45 mins away) and always spends money on food and stuff when she comes round. I was a little upset because i miss her when we are not together. On saturday i wanted to call her to speak with her but she kept hanging up on me, naturally i was upset so I called gary who she lives with. He told me that i need to speak to her about something but did not want to tell me. I text her several times and then she turned up at my house she was acting funny. She told me that she liked another man but thinks she still loves me. She is not sure though. She said this has never happened before and that she does not usually like men. She has always been faithul ( i am her 3rd boyfriend and she is 28). He also works with me but i never really speak to him. I noticed them play about but never thought anything of it. She said she has liked him for about 2 months and does not know why. She went to the pub the night before and got very drunk, he took her home and they kissed and cuddled, he likes another woman i am told but was drunk also.He stayed the night on the sofa while my girlfriend slept in a bed not far from him. He left in the morning. Thats why she did not want to speak to me. Now she says she has to think about what she wants and is depressed, I told her to either finish with me now or try to sort out our problems. She won't because she wants to think more first. She knows she won't have a relationship with this man but still wants to talk to him because she likes being around him. I am angry and want to speak to him but she has begged me not too. I have to work with both of them and this is going to be horrible. I am scared. I don't want to lose her. Should i speak to this man and tell him to stay away. I must stop calling her today because she wants time but I can't bring myself to stop thinking about her. I will stop texting for a while and give her space. I know she is under stress at the moment and is confused to what is a nice life, and what is love ( her own words). I forgive her and want us happy again. She is depressed at the moment. Just last week she wanted to get a house with me!!! I am so sad. Please can you analyse this and give me help. If you want more details just ask. This is killing me. I have to see them tomorrow. Thanks.

[Highspeed123]

Please Help me. Take the time to read it and give me some advice. I am falling apart right now.

[avman]

Speaking to this man will not do anything except inflame the situation. If your girlfriend really wants to be with him, then she will regardless of what roadblocks you try to put in place. This is something she has to decide on her own, and getting angry or putting up a jealous fit will probably only drive her away.

 

To be honest, I don't think she's ready for a relationship. She isn't yet divorced from her husband. She is undecided about what she wants. And she probably hasn't healed from her marriage. You were a nice and convenient rebound for her while she got settled in the UK but now she's having to make some real decisions about her future.

 

For you, I think the best thing to do is back way off and give her space. No calls, no texts, no emails. Let her come to you if she's willing to make a go of it. Don't be the guy stuck in the middle. She has to choose. If she gets to have you whenever she wants you and she can still be non-committal to the relationship then that doesn't help you at all.

[Highspeed123]

She gave me a call to say that she is going to the pub and that I should not worry. She said the man is there but she is not going to speak much. She may stay round mine next week but she is still unsure. She wants time. Its a very hard situation for me. I will speak to the man in a calm fashion and say that I don't want him to spend time with my girlfriend just to see if he really does want her. DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE AN IMPUT...... Thanks.

[Momene]

I don't think you can pin your future on someone who is so unsure of herself. I think you need to look at other social contacts and options because you just have no idea if she'll stick around and for how long.

 

Things may work out but I have real doubts, I'm sorry to say.

[Highspeed123]

Things are worse now. She gave me back the phone i got her and said she does not want my number. She kissed the guy again yesterday and told me thats why she knows she does not want me.I just called her ( i can't help it) she said she does not know if she will give it another go. Its still a possibility. I am so so sad. I cant believe she went from teling me the sweetest things and loving me to nothing in one week. Maybe she needs time? I feel like my world is ending.

[Momene]

She doesn't need time, she needs a good DUMPING! She's playing you and this other bloke off against each other. If he's got any sense, he'll do the same.

[Highspeed123]

I am so in love with her i can't even imagine doing that. She is not playing him because he knows about me and blatantly lied to me today. I asked him and he told me he only took her home because she had to much to drink.She told me different. She has never done this to anyone and is usually such a lovely girl....What the hell happened...Maybe the stress of her divorce. My dad has told me to push the ball back in her court and tell her that she has been horrible to me and that i will give her two weeks to make a decision about what she wants...not texting or calling her in the process. Maybe that will make her think.

[Momene]

I am so in love with her i can't even imagine doing that. She is not playing him because he knows about me and blatantly lied to me today. I asked him and he told me he only took her home because she had to much to drink.She told me different. She has never done this to anyone and is usually such a lovely girl....What the hell happened...Maybe the stress of her divorce. My dad has told me to push the ball back in her court and tell her that she has been horrible to me and that i will give her two weeks to make a decision about what she wants...not texting or calling her in the process. Maybe that will make her think.

 

THat might be a good idea - one last chance!

[Highspeed123]

Is there anyone else reading this that feels like I do right now. I constantly want to ring her and talk and try to make things right...but it does not work that way. I can't eat and I don't know what to do with myself. I am glad i got tomorrow off work so I don't see her for a day. I hate the fact that i may see her with this bloke soon. I am so hoping that she starts to miss the times we had together at weekends. You can't go from love and nice times to bad in one week.....can you?

[Momene]

I don't feel like you do now but I do have a memory. I hate to admit this but it sounds like you're clinging onto something that's not very solid. I've a feeling that you could issue ultimatums but she'll still be confused and indecesive.

 

Try and have a heart-to-heart but don't build your hopes up.

 

Good luck.