what happens when you go this far

[strndedbyluv]

I have been thru a terrible divorce, beaten and raped...and broke as hell. That was going on 4 years ago. i got over it. it wasnt that hard really. i nevr felt like i wanted to die. i always had something to live for. my family, my career, my pets, my friends. but now that my bf just moved out and things are so messed up. i just want to die. i wnat to go. get away from it all. i dont care about anythign else...he just says that we are bad for each other. i dont understand, he says he loves me but we cant be together. i have never felt this desolate. i just know that i cant live without him. i know theres got to be a way thru it. but i keep thinking hes gonna come back. he has forcibly told me to stay away, that hes staying away from me, that we need no contact cause hes jsut bad for me. but all i want to do is wrap my arms around him and go to sleep. we have been best friends since we were 10 and he helped get me thru all that bad stuff. then me and him finally became lovers, and he is my soul mate. i have never felt so connected to someone. so when will this feelin go away? i just want to slice my wrists and drift away. i want him to have to walk thru the puddles of my blood, and feel how cold i turn.

why am i thinking this way? am i crazy? i have never wanted to die so bad? how do people get thru this? i would feel better if he were dead then i could grieve properly...but him just saying he cares about me but we cant be together cause hes bad for me? why i dont get it? i dont understand. i cant keep a clear head. i just want him to save me ya know? to just hold me, even if he doesnt love me he should care enough to just tell me its gonna be ok, and i can make it without him, instead he says nothing, and wont email me back. he came over once, just to say he couldnt be sorry for anything...for me to sell his computer and make the rent. i just touched him, and he looked into my eyes, i could see it ther. i wasnt making it up. soemthings just not right, but he just says he wont get sucked back in! how can i live without him? i gave him everything i had, and i still would. i have given him my all. im so lost now and broken. its never been this bad, how did i make it thru all of that, and now this just kills me. when will i get over him? hes everywhere i look. i cant stand the feel of my own skin, or the thoughts in my head. his ghosts is sitting in every place in our house. i just want to die. just how can i stop feeling this way?

its also like i am just a burden to him now. cause he wants me to get out of his life and move on. he wants me to stop emailing him and calling him, and when i come by and we touch he freaks out and says leave, that hes not gonna be sucked in again. that i am tempting but we are bad for each other. so i know im making him unhappy but i cant stop myself. hes the only thing i can think about, without him i am miserable....no one can make me happy, i hate myself. i hate the thought of going on without him. and even worse i hate the thought of me bringing him down and making him unhappy,so if i killed myself it would be good for him. he woulnt have to be bothered by me anymore. i just want him happy...and i want to be happy but that isnt going to happen so i might as well do it.

why is this happening to me? i dont want to be put in a psych ward somewhere but its where i need to be i guess. but i am going to die before that happens.i just want to slice my wrists and watch him drain out of me...cause hes in me and theres no other way to get him out of me....

god...i dont want to feel this way anymore. how do i get over it???

[DN]

First of all - how is the cut and did you need to get it attended to?

 

Second - if you got through all that other stuff you can get through this. There are people on here who will help ypu do that or you could call a suicide prevention line. link removed

[strndedbyluv]

i havent cut yet. i am a cutter anyways...but its never like to kill myself..i cut on my legs, but thats not the prob now.

i just want to slice my wrists now..to end it. to make him happy, to finally be rid of me. im so pathetic and such a disappointment to everyone. i have nothing without him anyways. and he doenst care

[strndedbyluv]

and i dont wanna call that number cause they might come get me or something. i am 25 years old and scared or anyone in my family or community to know that i am this down and out and just plain crazy

[ocrob]

Hi strnd,

 

Your post is very heartfelt. Not that it matters, but I have so many questions. I am wondering why he is bad for you? I am wondering if drugs were involved and he feels you need him out of your life to get better from either drugs or other things? It is possible he is either over you or that he really cares and is trying to do the right thing. If you take him out of the picture for a moment, then let's talk about you. You have been through a lot in the past and I am wondering what your state was like when you went out. Were you healthy in respect to your mental health and daily life? When I say that, I am not saying anything negative about your mental state, but asking if you were dealing with depression? You are so young and have the potential to heal and have an amazing life. Most people on here or some have had something bad happen to them and that is why we are here. I know that you probably did not mean it, but commenting about him walking in your blood or killing yourself to make him feel better are not good things. I have suffered from depression and still do. My ex broke my heart and I am still dealing with it, but I am experiences good things in my life and am starting to get motivated. I realize that it is not easy getting counselling because it seems to be expensive. If you can, then I would suggest talking to a therapist. I know that most people on here are agains taking drugs, but if you are feeling suicidal, then it may be a good route. Doctors will prescribe anything it seems. Get on Paxil or something. Maybe Klonipin to relax you. Sure this is not a cure, but if it gets you to the point of not wanting to kill yourself, then it is worth it. I suggest not contacting him and working on yourself. I realize that it is easier said than done. I have been in a funk for a few years and the last year of losing my ex was really tough. But, although I think about her a lot, I am turning the corner and find myself a lot happier than I was. I started a new job and I am so motivated and that is great. If you need someone to talk to, then I will be more than happy to listen. Feel free to write me at anytime. I don't come on here very often anymore, but I will for you. You are in the prime of your life and so much can happen in a few years. I don't judge you for your feelings and I can appreciate them, but you have to try to move on like the rest of us. Anyone can dig themselves out of a bad situation. It takes a lot of work and time, but once things are better, then it is worthwhile. I am even thinking about my ex as I write this, but also thinking about how great my future will be. Suicide is such a cop out. It is giving up. Success is not measured by money, but the people that succeed do not give up. Besides happiness and not feeling depressed, what do you want out of life? Set a goal for yourself and go after it. You have absolutely nothing to lose. You are starting fresh and there is no chance of failure. You can do anything you want. Let's talk and see if we might come up with a game plan. Good luck.

 

Robert

[strndedbyluv]

everything you said is so true Ocrob...but its just that...i dont feel like i have a life without him becaues i made him my life. how do i deal coming home to an emptyhouse. going to bed alone. watching tv aone...just dealing? i had to go thru it with my exhusband and living alone on my own at my new place. it was nothing like this. i was ok alone. but now i dont even have him as myfriend. ive made him the center of my life, and i know it was wrong..but with everythig else going wrong at the same time, i cant take careof any of it. my rent is past due, my utilities are about to be cut off. i missed an important paper that i needed to get in to get a grade so that i can graduate on May 6th. iam so weak that i let that pass. and will now be afailure in my parents eyes, and the community as a whole. i work, i teach school...but he was there too, i got him the job as the computer guy...he only dabbled here and tere, and they gave him a little money to do it. the computers still need alot of work, and now eveyoen is gonna ask where he is...i dont want to face the world...and say me and him are no longer speaking.

i dont konw why he doesnt want me anymore, at times i think it is cause hes tired of me...at other times i think it is cause hes tired of hurting me...then thers other times when i feel like he just hates me. i cant stand it. i just want to be gone. i have nothing to look forward to...i know suicide is the cowards way out...but i am so tired of trying to be strong. it has gotten me no where but more hurt. i just wnat him to be happy, i truly feel he will be once i am gone. i knw my parents will be hurt and too but they will be better off without me as well, i make it so hard on them...i teach at a private school and i have no insurance, so they feel like they wil have to pay. my dad is out on medical disabliity cause he needs a heart transplant, he could fall over at any time, and when he finds out i am so desolate again, its gonna be more stress on him. i dont want to see himdie. i dont want to be the cause of it. i might as well get out of my family's life and ,my ex bf's life now. its just theres no way i can keep takin this, i hate being selfish and a coward. but i hurt so bad...too bad. i just want to sleep but i cant. i dont really want to die, i cant see myself doing it really. but the thought that i come to this so many times scares me.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Don't kill your self, and ill tell you why, your dad will be distryed with grief if you do. you think going to you perants and talking to them will hart them if you kill your self the pain for them will be unbaribel. they will always ask why you did it, why did you not talk to them, what did they do wrong, why did they not see you where like this,

 

so stop right now with the "my death will make there life better" line it will not it!

 

so you have power over what they feel, go talk to you dad tell him every thing even the feeling of ending it with self harm. It will be 1000 x better then you ending you life and them never having the chance to show you there love and trying to help you out of this pit of dispear.

 

then seek help, phone the help line don't think do. you need some one who you can talk to now! get it out of your head an into the hands of thows who can see clearly for you.

 

good luck and know you have hope here with thows who have walked where you are walking.

[strndedbyluv]

i know i need to talk to someone else about it. im taking it day by day hoping this feeling goes away. but its always in my head.

[langford]

I know how you feel,but the more you depend on him for you're happiness the worse you are going to feel and the more he is going to retreat.People sense when someone is becoming too dependant on them and will behave as he is,it is not fair on him or yourself especially to put all your happiness in his hands.

 

Happiness should never rely on another person or thing,he is not the answer to your life,to the questions of your life you are the only answer. You are the only person you will never leave nor lose,to the problems in your life you are the only solution.

[strndedbyluv]

well...im back here again, cause I feel so alone. i have not seen nor spoke to him in 3 months...he moved out again on April 18th. Im so lost without him. Ive had a bf for the past 2 months, an old friend from school. but i just ended it with him Friday. i just cant be with anyone else. i thought i could get over Will, but Im like obsessed.

Im not as suicidal as i was. but the thought pops in my head almost everyday, i just try not to dwell on it.

[Spugly Fuglet]

If you can not be with any one yet then dont, think of this as a holaday for your self. Set back and do the things you wont to, we all have things we have put off becouse we did not have the time for our selfs. Nows the time to do them. Go places, see things.

 

also you eed to do is take the time to indolge your self.