breaks?

[missbrittanyy]

hey;

i made one of these forum account thingers, because i've been having a really hard time with things, and pretty much felt like i have had no where to go.. not a very great feeling, and im sure all of you know.

 

I have been with my boyfrined, for seven months. He's 9 years older than me.. but it really hasn't been an issue.. until lately, im starting to notice how we are both dealing with different things.. and where it could cause problems..

 

When i met him he was severely into coke.. i've always been the type of person who's wanted to help people.. i dedicated pretty well my whole first semester of school to - waking up in the morning.. gettin dropped off at school.. detouring to his house.. put him to bed.. (after a long night of junking) .. i'd wake him up mid after noon, make him eat, then put him back to sleep... i thought this was a start.. i was pretty much wrong.. and i was just curing him, for another week of junking and drinking whatever he could.. the best lesson i've learned from this is.. you can't change somebody who doesnt want to be changed.. (you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink)..

 

after a little while, my boyfriend told me he had a baby on the way, with a nother girl; he decided he owed it to his baby on the way, himself, and to me, to change.. so he left for about two weeks, and pretty much quit coke cold turkey.. he came home, and things were really good, he moved out of the coke dealers house he was living in, and moved in with his parents for a while.. then he slowly has been getting his life together..

 

on march 9th i do believe, his baby was born. and the lady he had him with, didnt even have the respect to call my boyfriend and let him know.. (and my boyfriends tried so hard through out the pregnancy.. askin her if she needed money, or anything, and she pretty much treated him like he was nothing but the sperm doner).. eventually after three week of the baby being born, she let him know that "he could see his son, but it was a supervised visit that HE payed for, and he could only see him for 30 minutes" .. my boyfriend was some upset, but he just swallowed all his pride, and went with it.. the baby is almost a month month and a half old. and he's only seen his baby twice.. an hour in total..

 

i thought that him having this baby, would be something i could deal with. and it's not that big of a deal, because i love him and i want to take him as he is. but some times i get a little hurt that, regardless of how much him the the mother don't get along. my boyfriend shares a life with somebody else. and i've been acting a little selfish lately....

 

it didnt even cross my mind really how bad my boyfriend was hurtiing, because he wanted to be apart of his son;s life, and she wasnt letting him be, all i could think about were other problems, the one that were coming into our relationship and i was expecting him to deal with, right at the moment.. or he'd go to the bar with a couple of his friends.. and i couldnt help but always think the worst.. (him cheating on me.. ) i wasn't really aware of any of my actions, really until we got in a huge fight on thursday, both of us yelling, crying, screaming. then friday we had a sleep over, and things were getting a little better..

 

then last night he told me he needed some space, and all i did was guilt trip him, and push him away more..

 

i feel like a complete idiot. im not good at expressing my feelings. or letting him know im upset, with out being childish, and because of our age diffence, this isnt really acceptable..

 

i want to give him his space, but im scared he's not going to come back, or he will find somebody else. i've noticed, now that it might be too late. how immature i've been acting, and i just need to know what i can do, i just want things to work out between us..

 

how can i control my unacceptable behavior.. how can i stop always just thinking the worst when he goes out with friends ..

 

sorry for the length of this. i just really need help

-brittany

[Phoenix69]

The best advice anyone could give you is, If you love something let it go, and if it comes back to you, its yours to keep, if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

I have applied this to my own love life. And much to my surprise the thing I let go, came straight back within a week, with so much more love for me than he had originally.

Maybe some time apart will help him to realise what he has right in front of him

 

Good Luck. I know its hard to let go, when you whole body and heart and head is telling you to hold on tighter. It will push him away further if you do this...

[missbrittanyy]

The best advice anyone could give you is, If you love something let it go, and if it comes back to you, its yours to keep, if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

I have applied this to my own love life. And much to my surprise the thing I let go, came straight back within a week, with so much more love for me than he had originally.

Maybe some time apart will help him to realise what he has right in front of him

 

Good Luck. I know its hard to let go, when you whole body and heart and head is telling you to hold on tighter. It will push him away further if you do this...

 

 

thanks. i've never been a big believer in "things being meant to be" .. nothing happens with out a little work, and a lot of effort as far as im concerned.. so i've just had a really hard time, leaving it in faits hands. i just really hope that, he realizes we can make it work, =( .. and i guess sense this is my first semi long - term relationship, i haven't really mastered the concepts of how to make them work.

[robowarrior]

The thing is you want a bf of your own, not some shared object. I think that is why jelousy has come into your life.

 

You see the whole thing about the 'helping' is , that its not the intention to destroy ourselves while we are in the process of helping someone else. That can never be the idea behind us helping in the first place, because we would need help ourselves in the end.

 

And voila here you are

 

I personally think you are creating problems that aren't there, and the problems that are there are justified. Of course his ex doesn't want her son or herself to be involved with someone who takes drugs, even if he is the father, he probably has done more damage to her, then he has currently done to you that you are aware off, you putting some sort of 'blame' aspect on her, while you have no clue what really happened between them or her side of the story of why she acts the way she does.

 

thereforeeee chilll out , also this helping thing has another aspect. We keep our distance towards the people who we help, because they have their 'own' lives. but you decided to become bf/gf with someone you wanted to help. And bringing in a cocaine addict into your life isn't really ehm' beneficial ' towards your own life, because these kind of people usually only 'take' and never give back. however

 

Nice of him to be able to stop with his cocaine like that, a wise decision and quite an achievement if i may say so myself.

 

Well personally i think you could have 'known' that living with a cocaine addict would give you so much trouble, i do appreciate you helping him, but don't get your soul entangled into his troubles. Keep a distance from them, only put love and light into your relationship. link removed

[missbrittanyy]

you're very correct. i don't know her side of the story. and i completely understand her not wanting her son around somebody who had a problem with drugs. however he doesnt any more. even though it's very possible he could slip back into his old life style at any time. i think he deserves a chance to experiance fatherhood. and it's not my job to support her. she's not even his ex, she's some girl who put out for him one night. and they're both jehova whitness' and so she expected him to just "man up" if you will, marry her, and take care of her and his baby. i know all of this for a fact. perhaps getting involved with somebody who had a coke addiction wasn't the smartest of choices.. but it happened, and i love him, and i just want it to work out.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

I see so many red flags I could fill a golf course. He did coke while with you... lived in a drug dealing house... has a BABY with someone else... abused alcohol, and whatever else you didn't mention. I have some advice that will save your life. I will be completely honest. DITCH THIS LOSER. He is unfit to rasie a child, and in my opinion, he IS just a sperm donor. No child needs a junkie dad. You even think he's cheating on you? This guy will never change. Did you meet him after this other lady was pregnant, or did he get her pregnant during your relationship? She did a good thing by booting him out or whatever she did. Hopefully she's squared away so she can raise a kid on her own.

[missbrittanyy]

I see so many red flags I could fill a golf course. He did coke while with you... lived in a drug dealing house... has a BABY with someone else... abused alcohol' date=' and whatever else you didn't mention. I have some advice that will save your life. I will be completely honest. DITCH THIS LOSER. He is unfit to rasie a child, and in my opinion, he IS just a sperm donor. No child needs a junkie dad. You even think he's cheating on you? This guy will never change. Did you meet him after this other lady was pregnant, or did he get her pregnant during your relationship? She did a good thing by booting him out or whatever she did. Hopefully she's squared away so she can raise a kid on her own.[/quote']

 

he was addicted to coke before he was with me, i chose to be with him regardless. . . i agree that no child needs a junkie dad. but i hate to break it to you.. people make mistakes. i didnt come here to ask to you to talk my boyfriend down. i've chosen to want to be with him. now i want to know how to save my relationship. I have a problem with trust no matter who it is. i always think the worst. i'm a very negative person. he got her pregnant, from a one night stand. 1 month or so before we started dating, if you would have read. (we;ve been together for seven months, it takes nine to give birth)

[itsallgrand]

I believe there is a thread here about 'Dating down the Ladder'. You should check it out; it's good. This guy is clearly 'below' you socially financially and otherwise. Not saying he is a bad person; but he is a troubled soul, and you know this.

Ever wonder why you would want to be with someone who can not give equally?

Ever wonder how that reflects on your insides?

 

The tighter you try to hold on, the more he will panic and feel the need to escape from you. He'll run; I get the feeling you already know this instinctively from spending so much time caring for him.

Letting him go....see what happens.

 

You are being defensive in response to some of the other posters. The truth is; their advice could literally save your life.

 

If you have been sleeping with this man; please go to your local clinic and get tested for STDs. Please be sure to use condoms, and watch out a little for your self and your body.

 

b.r.

[Jorus Cbaoth]

When i met him he was severely into coke.. i've always been the type of person who's wanted to help people.. i dedicated pretty well my whole first semester of school to - waking up in the morning.. gettin dropped off at school.. detouring to his house.. put him to bed.. (after a long night of junking) .. i'd wake him up mid after noon, make him eat, then put him back to sleep...

 

In your last post you said he had this problem before you met him. In this quote you say he had the drug problem when you met him. Maybe I read it wrong but it sounds like you had to hold his hand and wipe his * * * like a baby, on top of him getting high. That's not a mistake, that's unacceptable behavior. Why do you put yourself through that? This is a grown man that can't even take care of himself, how can he provide for you AND a kid?

 

how can i control my unacceptable behavior.. how can i stop always just thinking the worst when he goes out with friends ..

 

Your behaviour IS unacceptable, but not in the way you're thinking! This guy is not worth your time! I'm not saying you don't love him, but from what I can read it looks like you'll have to take care of this guy. He has no work ethic, he's irresponsible, he's selfish, he used you and his family as a crutch to "get back on his feet". Sorry, but you have no sympathy from me. People like this will run right back to the drugs as soon as things get a little stressful. As for the baby, in my opinion he has no right to see it. He has unprotected sex with a stranger while high... The mom did the right thing.

 

i didnt come here to ask to you to talk my boyfriend down.

 

I'm not talking him down. I'm stating the truth that anyone with common sense and two eyes can see. I just don't sugarcoat my opinion. You sound like a good person. There are thousands of decent, hard working guys out there that support themselves. Why stay with this loser?

[missbrittanyy]

we've both been together to get tested. it was something he offereed me to do. so that's not anything i worry about.

 

of course i get deffensive. because i didnt ask "so is my boyfriend a piece of * * * *, and should i just move on" .. i see something else in him.. i know him personally. i know how much better he is now, sense he's been off the junk, and i know what he was like before he was on it. he used to be a religiouse person. he didnt lose his verginity until he was 20, he never wanted to marry somebody out of his religon, he pretty much applied his hole life around it.. and i know it's what he eventually, wants to do. you can only get your lfie on track so fast. and i dont see why i shouldnt be with him, i know how good of a person he is

[missbrittanyy]

sorry he was into coke before we met, not very long tho, he was into coke, severely for nine months. before hand he had the "ideal life" most people would want, he has a good job actually, and makes good money, he's doing his last year of apprentacship, for im not exactly sure what he's called, he does steele studd framing and what not, and is building the hospital here where i live. he could support, me, him and his baby just fne, with the money he makes. but again, that's not what im asking. i dont need to be "supported" im an independent person and relying on some one, no matter who they are, seemms useless to me

[Movin on up]

Hi miss britt, I'm sorry but I have to agree with what has been said so far. I know you want him back I think we all want our ex's back but the plain & simple truth & believe me I had to be hit over the head with this, is you have to let go. What I mean by that is you HAVE to give him his space. Its VERY hard but he's never gonna miss you if you don't. During this time many things could happen. He could stay clean, go back to drugs, etc. The point is you have to let him fall on his own. This situation is not only bad for you, his child,& his fling, but it is also a very dangerous one. So please do what you have to but I suggest you leave him alone. Good Luck!!!

[missbrittanyy]

i realize that i got my self into something that clearly wasn't ideal. but nobody's perfect. i just happened to fall for somebody who went through a period in his lfie, where he made some unexcusable mistakes. but that's exactly what they are. mistakes. you cant call every recovered drug addict in the world a piece of * * * *, or say they're not worth time, because they are. they found it in them to fix them selves. adn change what they were doing for the better.. my boyfriend did this because he wants to be a father, and a good boyfriend, and a good son and whatever else. he isn't a terrible person, and i am very proud of him, and proud to say he's mine and that i love him.

 

i just want to get past my own insecurities and doubt.. and stop always being so afraid to lose him, and stop being so afraid he's doing something with some one else, or be so afraid of this or that. i've always been like this, regardless of who i am with. i push people away, and i dont want to push him away

[ocrob]

Hi Britt,

 

You sound like a very caring person. It sound like most people on here are giving you some good tough love. I would say that you have given this person as much as you could. You have been more understanding and accepting as anyone could possibly be. There are a couple of issues that stand out to me, but let me also preface that I am not perfect and have made many mistakes. My first concern would be, once a drug addict always a drug addict. Not to say that he will ever touch drugs again, but it could happen. It sounds like he is trying to do the right thing, but he now does have a child and is not recipricating your generousity. I might ask yourself why you are so tolerant and accepting to things that are so unacceptable? I am sure one answer is because you are in love. I understand that because no matter how many reasons I should not be with my ex, I still want to be with her. I am not judging you because you sound sweet, but very tolerant to things that most women would have bailed on a long time ago. With that being said, you have done everything you can to stick by this guy. If you have a future together, then you need to draw the line now or he will always come back to you during bad times. If he needs time to think, then give it to him. If you have to, then tell him you love him and understand he needs time to think and during that time not to contact you. I would go NC. I am very afraid for you because normally I hope people in your situation will get their man back, but you just may be a life long support system. Give him time and if he calls you and says he wants you back, then lay down some ground rules. Please don't be the last resort or support system. Good luck girl!

 

ocrob

[missbrittanyy]

i dont think that i am a just a life long support system.. or going to end up being that way. because he barely talks to me or lets me in lately.. because he feels that "it doesnt need to be put on me, i have enough to deal with" .. and i think thats moslty why he called for our break.. im sick and dealing with doctors constantly and blah blah, and he's dealing with court, his baby and keeping up the fight with over coming a powerful adiction. i think that he is strong enough to not slip back into a situation he remembers to be easy.. like a copfort zone, but im really hoping he has enough will - power to not do such things. i have tollerated a lot because i have a lot of patience. i hate to see bad things happen to good people, and i have a sever problem with putting others before my own self happiness. but he does make me happy, regardless of the drama right now. and i really do hope, with my entire heart he choses to come back to me. we havent had much contact, he's told me to call if i need him, and we text messaged a couple textss to eachother this after noon, and said goodnight and i lvoe you before bed last night. other then that it hasnt been much .. and im finding it really hard, because i want nothing more to hear his voice, to be in his arms, for him to kiss me and tell me we'll get through it. im having such a hard time

[Heartshock]

Hello there missbrittany,

 

I commend you on standing by yur man, you obviously love him a great deal. But may I ask you this What you feel you are getting from the relationship to sustain you? You are busy with school. Do you feel you been supported in that. I read your original post several times, and what struck me is how much your post isn't about you. Your needs, your aims and what YOU need to make a relationship happy. That really saddens me because the underlying thread in your post is that you AREN'T IMPORTANT. Have I misead your post?

 

"i've always been the type of person who's wanted to

help people.. i dedicated pretty well my whole first

semester of school to - waking up in the morning..

gettin dropped off at school.. detouring to his house..

put him to bed.. (after a long night of junking) ..

 

You are not with your boyfriend by mistake. You didn't happen to fall in love with him. Most of us need, love, affection, support and respect. And generally when they are not forthcoming as a kid, we starting thinking we have to earn them.

 

When I read your e-mail this is what I see. Your relationship has become very unbalanced. (And I'm not attributing blame here as it takes two to tango) A guilt and giving dynamic has set in. If you believe that this is a healthy relationship, then I am sadden to tell you that you are WRONG Not because your boyfriend had a problem with hard drugs (although that didn't help) But because you have devoted your life to this man. Right now there is no "YOU" Some-how the relationship has spun from boyfriend/girlfriend to nurse/patient, mother/son, saviour/fallen one.

 

It isn't surprising that he needs space, as he begins to recover, the dynamics of your relationship seem to be something he wants to distance himself from. And no matter how kind and religious he is, no-one can cope with a partner who lives life through them. It's simply too much of a weight to carry. It seems to me that your boyfriend is out partying and beginning to regain his sense of self - If you keep on giving and focusing all of your attention on him, whilst pursuing no life of your own, this relationship will continue to go into decline.

 

What does interest me is the missbrittany. Your e-mail carries a lot of self blame. A lot giving and asking nothing back. Why is this? Who is there for you. Who is supporting you right now. You ask how to can fit into what your boyfriend needs you to be. Yet did you ever think that you are not at fault here. You have needs wants and desires same as every-one else.

 

You ask how you can "Not be so jealous, give more, be more, be more agreeable." More of the same pattern. But I can guarantee it won't lead to personal happiness. Ironically the only thing that can save this relationship is locating missbrittany, she's in there some-where.

[missbrittanyy]

heartshock;

your post brought tears to my eyes because you're absolutly correct about so many things..

 

i do feel guilty, i always feel like its MY fault our relationship is having problems or im not doing enough or whatever else. jeremy always tells me im a beautiful person, and a good girlfriend, but he has his own issues and stuff to over come before it can start to turn into a healthy relationship.

 

i dont believe that we have a healthy relationship at all, that would just be being dishonest with my self, and setting my self up with disapointment. my boyfriend is a good boyfriend to me. he treats me wonderfully, and has been greatful and showed his greatfulness. i went through an eating disorder, and he's helped me through that. now im going through some kind of severe bowel syndron, and he's also been more than helpful though that. apparently i've made him sound some what useless. but he's not. he's returned the favor a lot..

 

my childhood wasn't wonderful. i think i search for attention from jeremy, (whether it be negative or positive) becuase i've never really and dont really get it at home. when i find something that can generally put a smile on my face, i try my hardest to hold on to it. and that's what i've done here..

 

im not sure if my love for him has turned into an obsession/ infatuation, and tahts whats pushing him away, or if he in fact, just has his own issues to deal with until we can healthily begin to deal with us

 

im confussed as hell.

[shyanne]

i would feel the same way his ex feels..sorry. it's the best way to go. i think it's great that he gave that up mostly for his child and that he wants to be part of the childs life. he may go back just like alcoholics, your taking a chance. one that can not be taken with a child. i hope he can continue to stay off it and become a great dad. maybe in the future things will change but he has to prove it to her first and that's totally understandable.

[missbrittanyy]

i would feel the same way his ex feels..sorry. it's the best way to go. i think it's great that he gave that up mostly for his child and that he wants to be part of the childs life. he may go back just like alcoholics, your taking a chance. one that can not be taken with a child. i hope he can continue to stay off it and become a great dad. maybe in the future things will change but he has to prove it to her first and that's totally understandable.

 

oh i agree. i wouldnt want to put my child in a situation like that either. but i think there are other ways to go about it then she is.. like supervised visits, dont seem to be a problem so far. but .. um.. why shouldnt he have the right to see his child for more than like a half an hour a month. it's his baby that's gunna end up missing out

[Daddy Bear]

i know lots of good people who have had their problems with dope. the thing that troubles me is your bf wants a mother, not a partner. he may have the best intentions, but he is taking advantage of you whether he means to or not. eventually you will come to realize that you need someone who can take care of you as much as you take care of them and he may not be able to be that person. if you get married and/or have kids in the meantime, it's gonna be one big mess.

 

there are a lot of very smart people on this site, and the ones who have taken their time to reply to your post are not wrong. i hope like hell that you take the advice given you, because if you don't now you will most likely come to regret it later in life.

 

if you want to be a mommy to this guy it's your business, but i see the day coming when you say, "hey, what about me?" and i don't think your current bf will be able to answer that question. i know this isn't the response you're looking for, but it is the truth as i see it.

 

best of luck to you both.

[missbrittanyy]

it's not that it's not the responce that i was looking for

it's that i dont think very many ppl if any at all who've answered to my

thread, have gone through what i am, and dont know from own self experiance... sure i am mothering (so you've been saying). . but stuff like this doenst go away over night, it takes time, he needs to sort out his life, i need to sort out mine, and then we can work on us. and i think that;s why we're on our break.. i am just terrified to lose him. so clearly i've become jsut as dependant on him

[Daddy Bear]

why are you terrified to lose him? what would happen?

[Heartshock]

Hello missbrittanyy.

 

You hang on in there, girl. You've had quite a rough deal on this thread, which prompted me to write originally.

 

It's not what people are saying that I object to. (no doubt people are trying their level best to help) but the way in which they are saying it. There are constructive ways of communicating and and destructive ways. Positive communication generally sticks to positive language, even when two people disagree. I'm kind of surprised at the derogatory labels, deeming comments, name calling on this particular post. Does this really inspire a person to make positive changes in their life. Does it raise another's level of self respect. Gotta say, that technique has never inspired me in all my 37 years. Just made me feel bad inside.

 

HEARTSHOCK

[missbrittanyy]

why are you terrified to lose him? what would happen?

 

 

id be losing somebody i love with all my heart, and who i've let my self... be my self around.. somebody i wanted a future with

[missbrittanyy]

Hello missbrittanyy.

 

You hang on in there, girl. You've had quite a rough deal on this thread, which prompted me to write originally.

 

It's not what people are saying that I object to. (no doubt people are trying their level best to help) but the way in which they are saying it. There are constructive ways of communicating and and destructive ways. Positive communication generally sticks to positive language, even when two people disagree. I'm kind of surprised at the derogatory labels, deeming comments, name calling on this particular post. Does this really inspire a person to make positive changes in their life. Does it raise another's level of self respect. Gotta say, that technique has never inspired me in all my 37 years. Just made me feel bad inside.

 

HEARTSHOCK

 

i dont disagree that what the people who have posted in my thread don't make good points. they do. but they're not understanding. i've already chosen to be with my boyfriend for starters. i want to make it work. im asking how to get over my own insecurities. and my own flaws to make things better