Am I a fool?

[Dreamsong29]

Hi all,

 

I desperately need second opinions in this situation and I don't want to say anything to friends because I have a feeling they will tell me to run like the wind. But I'm not ready to run yet.

 

I have been dating a co-worker for about a month. I had been very attracted to him but ignored it because another co-worker told me that he was married. Then one day it came up in conversation that he was single. Soon after, I asked him out -- and things got serious very quickly. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. Since we are both looking for a place he wants us to move in together. I guess that information alone sounds kind of strange and sudden, doesn't it?

 

There are a couple of not so minor problems keeping me from going forward with this plan. One is, he was in fact living with someone for 8 years and they have two children. They split up 6 months ago because (he says) there was infidelity on her part. Even though they were not legally married, he still called her his "wife," and thus everyone at our workplace (about 100 people) believed him to be married. So several people at work have expressed alarm to me because they say he is married. His friends, however, maintain that he's not married, and split with his "ex" 6 months ago. Even his "sister in law" confirmed this for me.

 

I know that he is not legally married because *sigh* he is not a legal resident here. But when it comes to that piece of legal paperwork, it seems like a technicality. After all, if he was separated 6 months ago, it's over, no matter what they called each other. The problem for me is the whispers and looks of co-workers who doubtless, think I am dating a married man. I asked him to personally clear this up with a couple of specific people, which he did. But he says that he shouldn't have to take out an advertisement regarding his marital status.

 

I consider myself to be a highly ethical person and would never date a married man. I hate the fact that it looks that way, even to a few people. I have insisted that he be seen with me in public, in front of coworkers, etc. He still exhibits reluctance on this but he does it. He will come pick me up at work, but when we walk out together he keeps space between us -- which is NOT the case when we are out somewhere together having fun.

 

Since he basically lives with me I am less concerned that he is cheating on his "wife" with me -- and more concerned about what people think and how things look.

 

The whole situation has made me very suspicious of him and I'm worried about my judgment at this point, given the many things wrong with this scenario.

 

And something happened the other day. At work, I saw him talking with the girlfriend of another co-worker. Later that evening, he told me that this woman propositioned him graphically. When I asked what was his reply, he said "I thought she was joking so I said 'That sounds like a good idea -- let me know when you are ready.'" I heard him say part of this as I was walking by.

 

Needless to say, I am horrified. This woman saw us together at a party and she knows we are dating. His response seems like a terrible disrespect to me. Why didn't he just say that he was seeing someone? It is like rubbing salt on the hurt I feel about him (seemingly) not wanting to acknowledge that we are together.

 

In person, he seems like a very sincere, honest, genuine person who truly cares about me. When we are alone, he treats me with the utmost respect. He has done everything I asked to help my fears about his situation. But this last thing has left me reeling and questioning what I thought to be true. When I told him my feelings about that incident at work he apologized, agreed that it showed disrespect, and said that it wouldn't happen again.

 

But the damage is done.

 

Am I looking like a total fool here? Should I run? I am thinking that maybe I just need to give it time and these things will iron themselves out.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think you should walk away from this one.

 

He says that he loves you so much, and so quickly. And wanting to live together already? That alone is a red flag to me. Words are cheap. If he really loved you so much, he would want to shout it from the roof tops. Instead he doesn't want to be close to you in public?

 

The incident with the other woman may well have been a joke, I'd take him at his word on that one because he confessed it to you. Maybe he has a strange sense of humor and thought nothing was wrong with it. But this situation is a very bad one to get involved in. There have been many posts in recent days about people getting involved with someone who is "divorcing" or "separated" from their "ex", and in the end they go back to the ex and you are left broken hearted. Let me look around and I can probably find some...

[RandomAdvisor]

Here are two.

 

 

 

 

 

Both of those are women who had relationships with married men. The wives knew about it and they were supposedly separated/getting a divorce. Didn't end up that way. There was also another recent one with a man dating a married woman, and she dumped him to try and work things out with her husband but wanted to "remain friends in case things don't work out." Can't find that one at the moment though...

[Miss M]

I suggest you run. There are too many red flags, and too many mixed signals. He told co-workers he was married when he actually wasn't, and that might not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it suggests he's capable of bending the truth unnecessarily. And as you wrote, it also leaves you in an uncomfortable position.

 

Also, if he was so willing to claim that other woman as his wife to so many people, he should be just as willing to set the record straight, and yes, that even means shouting it from the rooftops, and taking out an advertisement. After all, they all got the info from his own mouth that he was married, so that's also where the clarification should come from.

 

And a month is much too soon to be moving in together, especially under these uneasy circumstances. Slow things down, take your time. There's no need to hurry into the cohabitation. If he wants you, he'll be patient. And waiting will give you more time to see if things get smoother, or rockier. My guess is it will get worse.

 

Ok, that joke with a co-worker... Well, I don't buy his explanation at all. Consider... he's already is involved in a swirl of confusion because of him giving out misinformation, and you're in an uncomfortable position... and so he adds to the confusion by making that kind of comment to a co-worker??? If I were you I wouldn't take that lightly. At worst he's a liar and a player. And at best, he has a serious problem with good judgment. Either way, you need slow things down a lot, and take a serious step back and reassess.

[robowarrior]

Why do you care about what others think, instead of loving ,believing and supporting yourself? What does it matter if other people think 'this and that', as long as you know it for yourself what is really happening then thats all the justification that you need. If someone asks , just tell the truth. What he is saying is just how he deals with it. You should perceive things in your own way, and not let the gossip affect you so much. With time, that will erode, and with some good commercial about how they 'splitted up' bla bla bla ing, people will know what's really going on. Just give it a try.

[melrich]

To be honest I'm a bit surprised at the advice you are getting here.

 

Just some points you could clear up,

 

He told co-workers he was married when he actually wasn't

 

From what you posted I inferred that co-workers ASSUMED he was married? Much like many people assume my partner and myself are married. Calling someone "the wife" to me does not constitute teeling people you are married. Unmarried couples often use those types of endearments.

 

Ok, that joke with a co-worker... Well, I don't buy his explanation at all.

 

Again I inferred from your post that he volunteered the fact that she made a pass at him, it wasn't something you called him on?

 

To be honest, whether he was married or not is probably irrelevant as I think 8 years and 2 kids is probably as good as married anyway. It seems to me that all the advice worth listening to that you have had says taht he was broken up with his ex 6 mths before you met (I'd completely disregard office gossip).

 

I do think that 6 months after an 8 year relationship is probably too soon for him and he will not have "dealt" with his issues properly (the lack of PDAs I would see as maybe a symptom of that, this relationship is so soon after his last that he may still feel within himself that it is somewhat illicit).

 

So there are some things you have to look out for, mainly his frame of mind around dealing with his past relationship. It will cause issues and may cause him to behave "oddly" sometimes but if you both want to make it work then I can see no reason why it can't happen. Just make sure that you keep issues out in the open.

[Dreamsong29]

I really appreciate this advice from everyone. You are right, there are too many "red flags" to proceed with any plans to move in together. I did think it strange that he seemed so ready for commitment after only a few dates together. It's likely that he is 'on the rebound' and hasn't given himself time enough to heal from his previous relationship. That he could go back to her is less a concern to me, though, than the possibility of him deceiving me in some way. I am not willing to be played for a fool.

 

The thing with the co-worker's girlfriend bothered me immensely and I didn't feel right keeping this from my co-worker, who is a really nice guy. So I talked to him last night and to my surprise he told me that they broke up on the same day that she propositioned my boyfriend. He was surprised at her behavior, and I told him that there is a possibility that my boyfriend was lying about the incident. He is going to ask her about it.

 

I don't trust him. I find myself going through his pockets and looking on his cellphone to see who he has called. This isn't like me and I don't like behaving this way. I shouldn't have to.

 

I agree with those of you who said that it's probably going to turn out badly. But in the interest of fair play and compassion I'll give it another couple of months before making a decision, barring any other 'red flags' that might come up in the meantime.

 

Any other comments are welcome. This has been very helpful.

[Miss M]

Okay, I see I misread... it was the GIRLFRIEND of a co-worker. Yes, that's a different twist on in, but still mighty suspicious that he "jokingly" agreed to a graphical proposition of the gf of his co-worker. Yes, that still weird, and yes, still cause for concern. I still recommend you slow things down a lot. Time will probably reveal a lot of things.

[Dreamsong29]

We had a big argument about this incident. I told him that it was part of a pattern of him disrespecting me and that I deserved to be treated better. I drove off and left him standing in my driveway and went to see a friend, who told me that co-workers are STILL insisting that my boyfriend is indeed married. Then I came home and almost let him pack his bags and leave but caved in at the last moment and agreed to give him one more chance.

 

The next day at work my co-worker (whose girlfriend made the proposition) came up to me and said that he talked to his gf about it and, "for the most part" agreed that she was joking around. He told me that my boyfriend owed him no apology (which I had insisted upon) and that everything was ok. He and his girlfriend are trying to patch things together.

 

This made me more optimistic but I'm still very uncomfortable with the fact that all of my co-workers seem certain that my boyfriend is married. If he is married, why does he come home to me every night and appear with me in public and in front of co-workers? This is what I cannot understand.

 

I told him that we should wait 2 months before considering moving in together and that the reason why is because I can't continue to have everyone at work thinking that I am dating a married man and needed this to clear up. This is just something that I would Never do -- on my list of cardinal sins, coming between two people (especially when there are children involved) is one of the worst.

 

The more I think about this, the more I see other roads that I can take. Why must I settle for such a muddled situation?

[Invicta]

I'm going to agree with the other posters that is sounds like it will end badly. The man recently split up with a woman who he lived with for eight years. I'm not one to question the chemistry between you two but he may be using you as a rebound girl. You don't need to be moving in with a rebound girl... its nothing less than taking advantage. As far as apearing to be so genuine and considerate... he may be compensating for messing up with "his wife". I have noticed in myself that I'v been more nice and acomodating to girls after a breakup than I normally would be.

 

Also, you need to stop worrying about what your co-workers think and focus on what's really important in this situation. I promise they will be the least of your problems if you change your life to live with this guy and he turns out to be sleeping around or goes back with the girlfriend.

 

Beware... but then again if the shoe fits...

[Dreamsong29]

These are some things that I had not thought of before -- he is exceedingly kind and has been going out of his way to do things for me. The other night he came over while I was at work, fed and cared for my (numerous) pets, cleaned my room and then came to get me at work since he knew I was so tired (insomnia). Who does this? Cynically, I wonder of course what must be *wrong* with someone who treats me so well.

 

I've decided to opt for a halfway measure -- distance myself but continue to see him for the time being to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm no longer considering moving in with him, and at my encouragement he rented a room downtown. But he still stays at my place every night of course.

 

Any more 'incidents' and I'm out the door. If he goes back to his 'wife' then I can accept that as long as there is no deception in between.

[Miss M]

So, maybe I missed it, but he hasn't yet lived on his own since his breakup? And was the original plan to go directly from living with his previous GF/family to moving in with you?

[Dreamsong29]

He has been living with his sister for 6 months. However, he left most of his things at his ex's, who just moved into a new apartment, so he went and boxed up all his things and temporarily left many at my place. This week, he rented a room in a condo with his cousin because I told him that I wasn't ready to move in. He still stays at my place every night, though.

 

I asked him several times when we first started dating to carefully consider if things were truly over with his ex, considering especially the children and the length of their relationship. He said that things had been over for a while and they both agreed upon this. He is paying child support and takes his kids during the day on the weekends. From all he is doing, it seems clear to me that he is trying to tie up all the loose ends and go on with his life.

 

I still worry, though. I had a dream the other night that he had sex with his ex and I caught them together. I wonder if that fear is ever going to go away. Is this something all people with ex-spouses deal with? He is going to see her every weekend when he picks up the kids. I wonder what the chances are that at some point there will be a 'slip.'

 

But then again, at my age (34) it's unlikely that I'm going to find a man who hasn't been married before anyway.

[Miss M]

Dreamsong, the more you write about this guy, the worse it looks IMO. Doing you lots of favors, living with his sister, boxes of his belongings at his ex, moving in quickly with you. And you mentioned distancing yourself from him for a while, but how can you do that when he's spending every night at your place? Yes, I do think you have lots of reasons to worry because there really are red flags all over the place.

 

And don't let your age cause you to sell yourself short, and don't let it cause you to make excuses for him. I used to do that too and I seriously wouldn't recommend it, because it just ends up being a huge waste of time in the end. Besides, being older could also be seen as a reason to RAISE your standards, not a reason to lower them. Even though you might end up with a guy who's been previously married, his life still shouldn't be a clutter of glaring dysfunction.