Red Flags

[Momene]

This one's come up on the BBC board. Here's a list of things you should avoid that have bene discussed at various points. Most I agree with but some I feel dubious about:

 

Commitmentphobes: unless you're one yourself, don't get involved long term with someone who won't commit. You could be waiting years for moving in, marriage, kids or long distance issues being resolved

 

Money problems: if you're forever bailing a partner out with money, watch out. Believe me, money issues can undermine an otherwise good marriage

 

Totally centered on you: this is the stuff of romantic songs but is someone who "can't live without you" really such a great idea? Do they see friends, family or have any other sort of interest apart from you? If not you could have problems

 

Clingy/independent: related to the above, most couples are more independent these days but the most important thing is that you're balanced in this way. A clingy person with an independent person is a bad match

 

Friends with exes: According to some "experts" being friends with an ex is supposed to be a good sign but I really have my doubts. I can just imagine my Mrs wanting me to be friends with an ex

 

Obsessive hobbies: I'm guilty of this one but usually arrange it around what the rest of the family are doing

 

Bad past: Although people can grow up, second marriages usually have a lower success rate than first ones. There are exceptions, though, I've lasted 17 years 2nd time and only 3 the 1st

 

Any more ideas?

[heythere1234]

Oooh, I agree with what you said about friends with exes. I wouldn't want the ex poppin in while me and my hubby were sittin down to dinner or calling--ever. I don't know any married couples (honestly--none) that have the ex still in the picture. I'm friend-LY with some of my exes--IF I happen to run in to them while I'm out and about....But once it's over it's over. If I had a man still had his ex hanging around the picture that would not be ok with me. most likely I'd let him go.

 

Obsessive about hobbies can be a problem too. Unfortunately, it can point to a deeper problem, covering up for something.

 

Also, I think if a man is TOO involved with his mother it can be a problem. Not that it's bad to have a good relationship with her and all, but when it's way overboard, and she's difficult with anyone he dates and all that it's not a good sign.

[Rainz]

I agree with the friend with exes one too, and the one about money definietly.

[Momene]

There's a problem on here about a bloke who's too close to his mother and I guess it's the same with dads and daughters.

[Daddy Bear]

here's my 2 cents, or 2p, or however you good folks say it in bbc-land nowadays:

 

commitmentphobes: definitely work better in pairs.

 

money probs: this is one that disqualifies me from being the ideal hubby. i wouldn't wish my financial skills on my worst enemy (whoever that is).

 

centered on you/clingy: = not being a whole person.

 

friends with exes: wouldn't have it any other way.

 

obsessive hobbies: aren't they all?

 

bad past: i could swear i heard that the success rate goes up. in fact, i recall a stat that a 3rd marriage has a 90% success rate, but i could be wrong.

 

here are some red flags that i myself missed or ignored when i moved in with my then-fiancee: drawer full of unopened mail, neglected cat, no food in the house, piles of dirty laundry/dishes, parents saying "wow, we thought she'd never get married!"

 

but hey, it was my 3rd marriage, so it lasted 20+ years, many times longer than #1 (at age 15--thanks, mom and dad) and #2 combined.

[Scotcha]

About commitmentphobes: I don't think waiting years to get married is a bad thing. I'm also the type of person that wouldn't live with someone unless marriage was a certainty but afraid of commitment I am not, I just want to make sure I get it right.

 

For the most part I agree with the other points made except the friends with ex's. I'm mostly confused. I'm friendly with two of my ex's but it's a distant friendship if that makes any sense. Out of respect for my boyfriend and his (my ex's) girlfriend I don't think it could be any other way.

 

I'd like to add a red flag.

 

The addicted: Addiction is impossible to compete with. You will always be second to their drug of choice.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hmmm an ex of mine is my best friend in the world, but it doesnt impact my relationship.

[Scotcha]

I believe it's possible. In fact, my ex did at one time used to be a very close friend only.. We hooked up at different times over the years when we were both single and so we sort of ruined the possiblilty of a respectable friendship.

 

Hmmm an ex of mine is my best friend in the world, but it doesnt impact my relationship.

[Scotcha]

edit: No idea how my reply posted twice.

[RayKay]

Good...

 

I don't mind the friends with ex's though to a degree, it all depends on the nature of the relationship. I am friends for example with someone I dated when I was 14...we are totally not right for each other, but are good as friends.

 

I think it is important you are HONEST with each other about your friends and meet them, ex's and otherwise.

 

Can I also add:

 

1) Incompatible sexually, and no desire for at least one party to work on it/explore it. Like the financial/money differences, this can often be a much bigger dealbreaker then people give it credit for initially.

 

2) Early signs of possible verbal/emotional/physical abuse - ie someone whom is very critical, or is cruel to others (try the waitress test!) because one day that will be you.

 

3) Very different relationship goals - ie one wants children, one doesn't,one wants to get married, one doesn't.

 

4) Someone fresh out of a long term relationship - especially if they are still living with their ex "until they find a new place".

 

5) Those with alchohol, drug, etc addictions

 

6) Those with NO hobbies, interests or personal pursuits of their own and may even mention early on they don't understand why you do those things. Those whom almost immediately take on your life, as their life or expect you to alter your entire life to spend all your time with them, and give up those personal hobbies - you will be very unhappy ultimately. It's great to introduce one another to new things, and you should, but I find that when someone has no hobbies/interests and someone has many, there ends up being a lot of resentment and a basic incompatibility in lifestyle.

[heythere1234]

 

obsessive hobbies: aren't they all?

 

 

Nope, not all hobbies are obsessive.

[heythere1234]

link removed

 

I agree with both of you who said (implied) that you want to see if your mate is polite to the waitstaff, I'm always pretty nice to all service people, not just waitstaff. BUT:

 

Years ago when I was working very hard for minimum wage, but struggling financially, I went with an ex (current at the time) bf, at his request. While he ate his lunch, he only allowed me to order hot chocolate allthough I was hungry and hadn't eaten all day as I was helping him deal with his roomate all day, at his request, he said he didn't have enough for me. He knew I didn't have a dime to my name, although I was trying very hard.

 

He then proceeded to scrounge around and empty out his wallet, pockets, etc, and dump down well over 4 dollers for the waitress' tip. Back then that would have been way more than enough to buy a sandwhich for me. He commented that she worked very hard. So did I. She was a stranger, and I was his Girlfriend, who was currently spending her free time running around helping him deal with his living situation.

 

So...Whatever, I guess sometimes you have to look at the whole contex of the situation. To me he was making it clear that this stranger had more respect from him for her hard work than I did. Also, he cared more about whether the stranger was hungry than he did me, and I did a lot for him. I guess that's just the other extreme of the situation. So that wouldn't be good either.

[Daddy Bear]

Nope, not all hobbies are obsessive.

i concede that not all hobbyists become obsessed, but i can't think of a hobby that doesn't have a fanatical following. to me it's like drugs; not everyone who dabbles gets hooked, but all drugs have addictive potential.

[heythere1234]

i concede that not all hobbyists become obsessed, but i can't think of a hobby that doesn't have a fanatical following. to me it's like drugs; not everyone who dabbles gets hooked, but all drugs have addictive potential.

 

That's probably true.

[RandomAdvisor]

So...Whatever, I guess sometimes you have to look at the whole contex of the situation. To me he was making it clear that this stranger had more respect from him for her hard work than I did. Also, he cared more about whether the stranger was hungry than he did me, and I did a lot for him. I guess that's just the other extreme of the situation. So that wouldn't be good either.

 

You're right, context does matter. There are times when it's perfectly understandable to tip low, not tip at all, or become upset with the waitress. The thing with the waitress test as I understand it isn't entirely on tipping though. It's more concerned with whether or not the person can treat the waitress (or any other person in a subordinate position) with respect and courtesy. But when they don't treat them with respect,and instead start hurling insults and being condescending for little or no reason, then they've failed the test...

[heythere1234]

Right, but not if they're treating her like a goddess and their own gf like nothing, that's not exactly good either.