Boyfriend Giving Up Too Easily

[midnight_orchid]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. The first few months were great. Then we had our ups and downs and practically broke up in the middle of last year. We tried to make compromises, but I saw that he would keep breaking them, so because he did, I in turn broke mine. Another problem he has is that he believes relationships never work... that they all end up bad, so I told him that he was purposely sabotaging the relationship hoping that he could push me away and eventually prove his point that relationships don't work. Well, I guess it surprised him that I still stuck around and still wanted him so we eventually got back together. Not only that, but he's just a guy that keeps running into bad luck and I think because of that, he has low self-esteem.

For the past 6 months, everything is good again. We barely had any problems or fights. Most of my issues with him prior was that he smoked when I was around and that he would tell me white lies. When we got back together, I noticed that he stopped smoking in front of me so I thought we had an understanding: I don't say anything about his smoking as long as he doesn't do it around me. Then the other weekend, he smoked in front of me for the first time in 6 months. I let it slide, but the next day, he did it 3 times. So I said to him later that night, "I haven't said anything about your smoking because you haven't been doing it around me and I'd appreciate it if you didn't." I felt disrespected because he knows that the smoke irritates my eyes and gives me headaches.

Just the day before I confronted him with it, we were happy and making plans for a short trip. Two days later, he's mad at me and the only communication we've had so far is by email, each of which he wrote that we needed to talk. I'm afraid that he's going to say he wants to break up, again.

I think he's just scared that we're going to go through the same cycle we did last year so he wants to end it now before it gets worse. In one of the emails, he wrote that nothing's changed and that it's just a broken record that we keep playing. However, I think he's wrong. I think we both changed for each other, even though he may not see or realize it. We made a compromise, even though we never said it out loud.

 

We're planning to talk some time later this week. So if what I'm imagining as the worst case scenario to be true, I plan to show him that we did make compromises for each other and without it, we wouldn't have lasted 6 months, problem-free. Is there a way to make him see that things have changed?

 

Is there anything I could do to make him realize that he's making a rash decision? I mean, if he really is planning on breaking up just because he said I made him look like an idiot in front of his friends, then he hasn't even allowed me to rectify my mistake.

[Boricua7]

What's the point in changing for your partner if they do not notice or appreciate the changes you are making? Your boyfriend obviously doesn't. I don't think this relationship is going to work because I don't think he wants it bad enough. This is not to say he doesn't love or care about you, it just seems to me that he is just waiting for it to be flawless and unfortunately, that will never happen. I'm getting the vibe that he has an idealistic idea of what a relationship should be like and he expects you to do most of the bending to make it work. That's just not fair. Relationships are mutual. He should know that.

 

I think you need to bring up everything you've written down here when the two of you talk. Then you need to sit back and really listen to him. He seems to know exactly how you feel already. Can you honestly say the same for him?

 

How did you make him look like an idiot infront of his friends (if you don't mind me asking)?

 

Rectify your mistake? How many mistakes has he made? Did you give him the chance to rectify them everytime? If you have and he isn't allowing you to apologize or make up to him this one mistake then he is not showing you the same kind of compassion and understanding that you are showing him. Again, relationships are mutual. What one does for the other, the other should be willing to do in return. This isn't happening.

 

Does he make you feel like whenever you guys have a problem it is your fault? Do you find yourself making excuses for him when you bring up your problems to other people? If any one or both of the above are true, your relationship is (sorry to say this) doomed.

 

All in all, if he has made his decision already you need to start accepting and respecting that and be able to let go. Relationships don't work when only one person wants it to work. It all goes back to relationships being mutual.

[DN]

Did you say that about his smoking in front of his friends?

 

All you can do is try to convince him to try again and negotiate and compromise to get the relationship back on track. But if he has made his decision then you have to respect that and let him go. He has a right to walk away if he feels that being with you makes him more unhappy than happy and can't see that changing any time in the future.

[itsallgrand]

You may believe that the two of you have reached comprimises, but he obviously feels differently. He feels like the two of you are going through the same issues.

 

I think your best chance in this situation is to simply sit back and truly listen to him. Attempt to hold your tongue. Just hear him. Take what he says as his truth. Attempt not to interrupt or point out how he is 'wrong'.

It sounds like he already knows how you feel.

 

You can't change people. If he has issues of running away when things get tough: he needs to deal with those on his own. It is better to accept them on face value and deal with it on those terms. It is very tempting to want to 'save' another person. It usually ends up driving the other person away bc they feel like the other person is a mother/father constantly on their back.

 

Just try loosing up your grip for a little while. I wish you happiness.

[Relationship Coach]

Hi and welcome to ENA.

 

You can't change someone's feelings and you can't change their opinion of relationships. While in a relationship you must both work together, this seems like a lost cause due to his unhealthy outlook on relationships, his personality is categorized as a doomsayer. More than likely he has already disengaged himself from the relationship by limiting physical contact and intimacy, then shying away from any affection at all. Is this the type of relationship that you want? You can't change him so are you willing to change your needs and wants?

 

Relationships in general should add to your existing happiness, have you ever considered that he is unsuitable for a real relationship and he needs to work on himself? What I'm saying is, you are trying to paddle a boat accross a lake and it has too many holes to get you to where you want to be. The boat needs to be fixed before you start the journey.

 

RC

[Boricua7]

... What I'm saying is, you are trying to paddle a boat accross a lake and it has too many holes to get you to where you want to be. The boat needs to be fixed before you start the journey.

 

RC

 

Wow. This is such beautiful advice!

[midnight_orchid]

 

How did you make him look like an idiot infront of his friends (if you don't mind me asking)?

 

When he does something I don't like, I end up being "moody." I don't feel like answering him or doing anything with him. So when we're already with his friends, I guess he's assuming they feel the tension too. Also, he says that when I'm "moody" with him, he gets "moody" too and it makes him feel miserable.

[midnight_orchid]

Did you say that about his smoking in front of his friends?

 

No, I waited until we came home to tell him.

[itsallgrand]

So what do you think about the advice so far? An input?

[Boricua7]

When he does something I don't like, I end up being "moody." I don't feel like answering him or doing anything with him. So when we're already with his friends, I guess he's assuming they feel the tension too. Also, he says that when I'm "moody" with him, he gets "moody" too and it makes him feel miserable.

 

He should feel miserable if he is doing something that is making you miserable.

 

I have to agree that fights in public are no fun for either person so try to limit that. This does not mean that you should hide or hold back how you feel. There are just more appropriate times and places for you to express yourself, you know? I know the last thing I want is for my s/o to cause a scene in public. If the issue is between just the two of you then only the two of you should have to deal with it.

 

I, personally, think that it's over and there's nothing you can do or say to change his mind. I think if you push him he will resent you for it and that will want him to get away even more. You know what they say, if you love something let it go.

 

If he changes his mind, it should be done because of him not because you were able to make him believe that he is wrong. Relationships are two-way streets but if you are going in opposite directions, it's not going to work.

 

Let him go. He will appreciate you for it and maybe even come back after he's worked on himself and realizes just what he has lost. If you cling tighter he will want his space and freedom more and you will make him never want to come back.

[midnight_orchid]

More than likely he has already disengaged himself from the relationship by limiting physical contact and intimacy, then shying away from any affection at all. Is this the type of relationship that you want? You can't change him so are you willing to change your needs and wants?

 

Relationships in general should add to your existing happiness, have you ever considered that he is unsuitable for a real relationship and he needs to work on himself? What I'm saying is, you are trying to paddle a boat accross a lake and it has too many holes to get you to where you want to be. The boat needs to be fixed before you start the journey.

 

RC

 

Thanks for the advice... that's the weird thing... So the first time he smoked in front of me was friday late night. Just an hour before, we were eating at a restaurant, discussing the trip we were planning to take on Wednesday. We were still the normal couple we've always been.

Then we went to his friend's house and on the walk from the car to the house, he lit up right in front of me (something he hasn't done in over 6 months). So I felt disrespected. We were planning to shoot pool with his friends and when they were all about to leave, I told him I didn't feel like going. They all urged me to go, but I told them I'd rather stay in the friend's apt and wait until they got back.

He still talked to me on Saturday, though there was tension. Then Saturday night, he lit up in front of me 3 times. We were hanging out with his friends so I bit my tongue until we got home. Normally, when he lights up in front of me, I shut down. I don't feel like talking to him or being around people. This time though, I tried to make the most of it. I thought I acted "normal" towards his friends.

Then Sunday, he didn't talk to me at all. We have a ritual of carpooling the next morning to work because we watch a show Monday nights together, but he hinted on Sunday night that we will not be carpooling monday morning. I asked if we were going to hang out Monday night and he said he didn't know.

So I emailed him while at work (we work together, too) and his response said that I was oblivious to what's going on and we needed to have a talk some time soon.

I really didn't know what was going on and responded with, "Truthfully, I don't know what's going on. There was a little tension this weekend, but I thought everything was okay."

Then he responded with a snide remark saying "Okay so I wasn't the only playing pool that night." He said I made him look like an idiot in front of his friends and to add insult to injury, Saturday wasn't any better. He said his friends thought I was crazy and that he was crazy. Then he said he had nothing else to say at the moment.

[midnight_orchid]

So what do you think about the advice so far? An input?

 

I think the advice is great! Keep it up!

[midnight_orchid]

You may believe that the two of you have reached comprimises, but he obviously feels differently. He feels like the two of you are going through the same issues.

 

I think your best chance in this situation is to simply sit back and truly listen to him. Attempt to hold your tongue. Just hear him. Take what he says as his truth. Attempt not to interrupt or point out how he is 'wrong'.

It sounds like he already knows how you feel.

 

After listening to his truth, what should I do next? Do I tell him my version of the truth? Do I suggest a compromise? Do I just let it be and walk away?

 

I've also realized that even though I may have thought that we reached compromises, he may not have seen it that way (especially since we never specifically said it) which is why he said that it's a broken record. Do I bring it up that we have made compromises? And if so, how?

 

Smoking was an issue for me, but I've come to the realization that as long as he's not doing it in front of me, I'll be okay with it. However, I'm pretty sure that he thinks that smoking is an issue, period. Is there a way to mention this and make it sound positive so that he doesn't think that I don't accept him for who he is?

 

Even though we're both in our late 20s, we're both fairly "new" to relationships. Communication is a problem for us because we're not used to telling other people our emotions and feelings. Neither of us have said the L word to each other, yet I know he loves me and I'm sure he knows I love him.

[Relationship Coach]

Listen and respect what he has to say, that's all you can do. Don't beg and plead if he wants to end it, it just makes things worse for both of you.

 

RC

[itsallgrand]

Yes, listen to him and believe what he tells you. I have a feeling he has some feelings bottled up.

 

I know it may seem hard, bc I do know where your thinking is coming from, but once you have said something once - and he has let you know he's heard you - it's enough.

Give him the space to make his own decisions.

He already knows you do not want him to smoke in front of you.

He already knows you care and want the relationship to work.

 

Perhaps if you can stop yourself from making comments, he will spill some truths.

He may not be willing to stop smoking around you in the long term. If that's so; accept it.

Same goes for anything else he may tell you.

 

Accepting him for what he is ....it's so important.

He may not be the one for you anymore.

Talk it through and see where things Really stand.

 

good luck

[midnight_orchid]

 

Perhaps if you can stop yourself from making comments, he will spill some truths.

 

 

Thanks for the advice.

It's funny... I actually find that I get more out of him by pressing him. You're right, he does have a lot of things bottled up inside.

His father passed away when he was a child and since then, he's felt like he has full responsibility of his family so I think he keeps a lot bottled up because to show that he can't handle something may be a sign of weakness.

[itsallgrand]

That makes sense. Yeah, it can be very annoying when someone clams up or has trouble discussing their feelings.

 

I know the temptation to push push push allll too well.

I've found that though we get 'more' out of them, they may being saying things just to shut us up and get us off their backs!

Sometimes they just 'give up' and tell us what they think we want to hear, until we relent.

 

Maybe he won't open up with the 'layed back n' listening' approach. But it's something different to try.

 

best wishes

[midnight_orchid]

Before I let him talk, is it a good idea to ask him how he feels about me and whether he saw me in his future?

We never talk about anything deep, specifically our emotions and feelings for one another so my friend suggested that I needed to ask him those things. I can pretty much gather how he feels about me by his actions, but my friend said putting feelings on the table make the talk more serious and real.

[possibiliti]

We never talk about anything deep, specifically our emotions and feelings for one another so my friend suggested that I needed to ask him those things.

not a good sign...

 

I agree with all the other people say here. Listen to what he has to say, and prepare yourself to walk away. I know it is hard, but it probably is the best you can do for yourself and for him. If he has already checked out of the relationship, there is not much you can do to change it. Neither words nor actions.

 

Your situation has reminded me many patterns I went through; the disrespect, the emitonal/physical distance, the i don't knows....Ask yourself the questions and answer them honestly: Are you happy? Do you feel being loved? Is this relationship still going the direction you want it to? I think your guts tell you all the answers but you are just afraid to face it right now. I might be wrong. But that is how i feel from reading the story.