Can an abusive Spouse/Partner change ?

[mikeoutthere]

Personally I don't believe he or she can, abuse lays in the need that someone has to dominate and control another person physically or mentally. Once an abuser always an abuser.

[coollady1957]

In the majority of the cases , yes you are probably exactly right.

[itsallgrand]

I respectful disagree. I think abusers can change with hard personal work and struggle. The odds lean towards most not making that journey, though.

 

Also, I don't think a partner to such a person need stick by an abuser. In almost all cases, I think they should leave. Abuse is one of those things that makes it impossible to truly be with someone. No one should feel badly for walking away and protecting themself.

[teacup]

abusers can change if they want to change. but abusers DONT want to change. they are willing to suspend their moral and ethical judgements and they know EXACTLY what they are doing. without remorse or feeling for their victim.

 

that is why the majority will never change. they see NOTHING wrong with their actions and they KNOW exactly what they are doing. that is why their promises to go to counseling or to work on themselves don't pan out. they are not sincere about their promises because they do not see anything wrong with their actions. sure, they know society frowns on it, which is why they abuse in private but they don't believe it.

[itsallgrand]

I disagree Teacup. but that's another discussion...

[teacup]

yeah. but i've been through it. experience is the best teacher.

[itsallgrand]

Well, since you insist, and the title is 'can abusive spouse/partner change?'...

 

You have been through what? The receiving end?

 

Experience is a great teacher. No one knows better the wiles and ways of an abuser than one who has walked that road and came out shining.

 

People who have never abused will never understand where an abusive person is coming from. They don't really need to. They just need to get the heck out of there.

[romantic sweetheart]

I'm not sure that all abusers can change, but I wouldn't want to say that no one who has done wrong can make amends and improve their behaviours. I want to believe that humans can be redeemed, that no matter their past, they can still find within themselves the person they were born to be. I am sure all of us know someone who once lived a life of debauchery, but by some sort of awakening, reformed their lives and became a better man or woman.

 

I have been with somone who was inclined to be abusive. I had to leave. I know that a person must journey on their own if they want to change. Being involved with someone who is abusive only condones the behaviour. Change is a choice.

 

Whatever reasons we give for our actions toward others, we can only be responsible for ourselves. Our behaviours represent choices. We have the choice to do right or wrong--our free will. So we can will ourselves to make amends and reform our lives. It is easier to do good than bad, but many people are caught in the trap of wrong-doing because they haven't found within themselves the courage to make the change.

 

It may take a lifetime, it may take a moment, or it may never come. But always present in all of our souls is the ability to do right, to atone for our harmful actions, to turn over a new leaf. That is the beauty of the soul.

 

But I wouldn't suggest a person stick by an abuser with this hope. It is okay to look out for yourself, to get away from harm. It is not our job to reform people.

[Hope75]

I have also been through it. I agree that with hard work and a complete change in mindset, an abuser can change if they really want that and value it and work to make the changes and stick to them. Some don't see anything wrong with what they are doing, and some feel remorse. It varies from person to person.

 

I think most abusers don't change because they are unable to stick to it or don't value it enough, but some can.

 

(Mine did not, FYI).

[Shadows Light]

I think an abuser can change. If it is their choice to do so. However, I think that the relationship needs to be put on hold. Both should seek separate counseling. And most probably live separately.

 

For an abuser to quit... he needs to be away from the person he's abusing. Its akin to an alchoholic.. who wants to quit, who goes to AA meetings and gets a job at a BAR. Do you think he'll have a tough time staying away from booze working at a bar?? yeah, most probably.

[yeawutever]

It all depends on their will power, but most of them will only make excuses. Some change, some never do, depends on the person.

[Hope75]

I think an abuser can change. If it is their choice to do so. However, I think that the relationship needs to be put on hold. Both should seek separate counseling. And most probably live separately.

 

For an abuser to quit... he needs to be away from the person he's abusing. Its akin to an alchoholic.. who wants to quit, who goes to AA meetings and gets a job at a BAR. Do you think he'll have a tough time staying away from booze working at a bar?? yeah, most probably.

 

Shadowslight brings up a very good point. Alot of times the dynamic in the relationship that has progressed to abusive is such that it is very hard to break that cycle and begin to view it another way. The abuser gets accustomed to having power over the victim, and the victem grows used to the cycle of abuse.

 

It's very unhealthy, and very hard to break once it is established.

[Beyondthesea]

Been through it and I can honestly say I am 100% sure they cannot change IF:

 

1. They grew up in a household with it...they will replicate that behavior the rest of their lives.

2. They continually validate their actions by blaming their past.

 

Basically I have no hope for abusive people. The long and short of it is that being abusive isn't an action, it is WHO THEY ARE INSIDE: people who are abusive are irritable, tempermental, etc. Those are traits of a person, not traits of an illness.

 

If anyone here can name one person who has been severely abusive and changed into a happy, lovable cheerful person let me know.

[Daddy Bear]

asking if an abusive person can change is the same as asking if a criminal can be rehabbed to become a law-abiding citizen. does it happen? yes, absolutely. should they be given the benefit of the doubt? absolutely not.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Anyone can change anything at any time. All that is needed is the will and the knowledge.

[bubbleberry]

But is that the whole story....?

 

I have been reading this thread...and thought I would share my thoughts...

 

Last night I hit my girlfriend...I didn't punch her, but I shook her and pushed my head against hers...I did mean to hurt her though…you can read the whole story here

 

 

 

I am aware that this is an extremely emotional subject, I am also aware that some of those reading may have experienced violence in a relationship...

 

I just want to express my opinion...It's my opinion and may be totally wrong...but that's ok,

 

First thing I will say is that I have realized that if I shake someone or punch them in the face...there is no difference...( no I have never punched someone in the face,well not since school, and never a girl)

 

Secondly I realize that everyone is different...something that may anger me may not anger you...or vice versa.

 

People communicate in different ways

 

Communication is the key to every relationship.

 

I believe that you could take someone that has been in wonderfull, sucessfull relationship...and put them together with another, who also has had a history of great relationships...and they may fall in love....but they also may not be able to communicate...they may push each others buttons, they may anger each other, no fault of their own....just emotional incompatibility.

 

My girlfriend pushed my buttons 24/7

 

Time and time again I tried to have an open discussion with her and she always refused...she insulted me, she made faces when I spoke (non verbally communicating that I was talking rubbish), when I expressed my concerns, my needs, my desires, in a non aggressive, loving manner she would recite a list of all the things I do wrong, thus defending her corner and not allowing communication.

 

I started to get angry about 4 months ago.

 

We should have split then, but my anger was internal, I had not expressed in an inappropriate manner.

 

I loved her, I understood her incesurtitys, her hurt, I thought I could make it work...but she was still making me angry, and I her.

 

Last night 4 months since the problems first started I became violent.

 

I have asked her to move out, I have told her that I need time to do some personal work, councelling etc.

 

There is a chance that I could have developed a relationship based on healthy communication, and that this anger would never have happened...there is also the possibility that I could have had a worse relationship...and become more violent.

 

Who knows...only time will tell...but when I read all the posts that make sweeping statements…that say I will never change, that I do not want to change, that I am controlling...I wonder if there is any point even going to counseling...even trying to deal with my issues.

 

Is important to realize that this forum does not deal in facts...it is also important to remember that many people read this forum...abusers and the abused....

 

My girlfriend is passive aggressive.

I can be violent when pushed.

 

We both have issues we need to deal with...don't write either of us off...I came to this forum for advice and support...just like you guys...Do I not deserve it...or is that reserved for my girlfriend and her emotional problems?

 

I may also add that today I discovered that in my area there are 5 different groups that offer support for those suffering from physical abuse...and no support atall for those who have ,or are at risk of becoming abusers...

[Beyondthesea]

For the most part, people who are abusive don't want to change. If you do, great! Go and prove us wrong.

 

Just remember that no matter how much someone angers you or pushes your buttons, it's ultimately up to you to control yourself. It's not up to someone else to walk on eggshells so you don't become violent.

[yeawutever]

Yup, you say it Beyondthesea, no one makes you angry, you youself decide to act upon it, you decide to become violent. Anger is not a natural feeling like falling in love, you had feelings before anger starts. Forgot to add, if someone ever were to lay a hand on me, and I don't care if you're a good friend, classmate, wutsoever, I'll respond back and beat the living heck out of you,then I'll report you.

[bubbleberry]

guess I should expect that I qwould not get much support here...what I need is advice,how do I deal with this situation...or as I asked before...Do I somehow not deserve that...

 

QUESTION..

 

If i started by my notes on this forum by saying that my girlfriend was being emotionally abusive...that she was controlling,passive aggressive...what would you guys then say?

 

Seems I am percieved as some type of monster,I came for advice,for help,because I care,because I respect not only myself but also others..

 

By the way Ailec1987 ,you state that voilence is not an inate reaction,it is a choice....mabey yes,mabey no...depends on situation...some people say that alcoholics have a choice,drug addicts have a choice...the medical professions though consider these to be ilnesses....

 

Dont judge people who ask for support...is that not why you are all here...biy of history for you...

 

my dad beat my mum and me...i was put on a life support machine because he smashed my head when I was only 3.my mum left him when i was four...he kidnapped me when I was 5 and again i ended up in hospital because he drove trru a police road block.

 

I have worked all my life dealing with the physical abuse from my dad and the emotional abuse (which i believe to be worse) that my mum dished out...i have worked hard,for over 25 years dealing with my issues.i will continue to do so perhaps until i die,but i will not give up and will not spend my adult life alone for fear that i have not "solved "the problem.

[yeawutever]

Yes, sorry to hear that bubbleberry, but the other people have really nothing to do with what someone close to you did to you. I have witness dad spanking mom, pulling her hair hard whenever she would curse, dish out, call him names, throw tantrums, etc. And to make matter worst, they made me take side, mom saying how mean it's a man hitting a lady and that he's abusive and dad saying the same BS "Why didn't she listen when I first told her calmly to shut up". Doesn't matter what mean words someone tells you, hitting is hitting!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, brb, I'm so mad right now, if this was my comp I guess I would smack, gonna post latter.

[Shadows Light]

Bubbleberry...

 

I was on the recieving end of Verbal/Emotional/Physical Abuse. And I stuck with him for many years. Not all of that time was "BAD".. had it been 24/7 bad, I'd have left years ago.

 

I've done much research into "HIM" and to understand Why he does what he does. (by the way.. there is a book by that title about abusive relationships). There's also a book called.."Ditch that Jerk" that talks about the various ways abuse happens, AND it talks about Abusers reforming. The author goes into profiles on who is reformable and who is

beyond help.

 

I've also done a lot of research into ME. And what my contributions to the relationship were. Action - Reaction. Asking myself.. why did I stick with it??? why did I react the way I did??? what happened?? How did it happen? and how can I make sure I minimize the chances of it happening again!

 

YOU.. very well may be refromable. And YOU.. probably will continue with Counseling and ANGER MANAGEMENT. Try to find some books on Anger Management. And... look for Anger Management Type group classes in your area. You are right. There are probably not too many self help classes readily available that you'd be able to find on your own. Most abusers are COURT ORDERED to attend. So, you might want to call your local DV Center or Court System.. and ask if they are aware there of classes near you.

 

YES... you can change.

 

One of the reasons there is such a "LOW" profile and availability of classes. Most volitile people. Or people with the propensity to become volitile. Can't see themselves in the mirror to say.."I may have a problem"... because what they are doing.. is working for them. Its a behavior that "CAN" be hidden from society. There is little or no pressure for them to change.. unless they cross the fine line of the law.

 

And I think you did a "GOOD" thing by putting the relationship on hold. Or.. separating from your S.O. You can use the analogy of a person trying to give up drinking.. attending AA and getting a job at a BAR. Impossible for him to quite. His trigger is right under his nose.

 

You spoke of your girlfriend "pushing buttons" 24/7. That very well maybe. But you allowed her to push those buttons. When you make "ANGER" an action verb.. and put it to motion. YOU are responsible for your actions. ANGER is a feeling. Saying.. "I am angry right now. When you say X,Y,Z... it makes me ANGRY" that is a feeling. Hitting, pushing, punching... ACTION. Non-productive ways to difuse the Angry feelings.

 

Your Girl friend.. most probably had her own issues. CO-Dependent??

Most of us are dysfunctional in some way shape or form. None of us perfect. And yes.. you are right.. the chemistry just didn't jive.

 

I read somewhere that Anger is really Fear in a different form. FEAR is at the root of it. What is the underlying factor in what makes you angry???? FEAR of not being loved. Fear of being found lacking... not good enough. Fear of abandonment. Fear of lonelines.

 

You've been through so very very very much as a child. And I am so sorry that your dad did and was the way he was. Neither your mother or you deserved it. And it sounds like you are still very much working through all that hard-wiring from child-hood.

 

Good-luck with it. YOU are on to a good start if you are truly trying to reform and look for other means of coping. Do the research and stick with counseling.

 

-Skye

[Beyondthesea]

My father beat my mother and I don't beat up my bf. Why not? Because I choose not to.

 

I get angry, I get hurt, I've been abused by others but I have never abused anyone else. It's all a matter of choice.

 

If you blame someone else for your actions, you are abusive.

[Daddy Bear]

your early childhood experiences sound horrific; i'm glad you survived. you may or may not find this a liberating thought (i did): your past is not who you are, it's just where you're from.

[bubbleberry]

Aliec

 

Sorry If my honesty angers you. I know that living in an environment such as the one you describe must cause you endless pain, and I truly hope your parents, for their sake and yours reach out to a forum like this,and get if only in the form of words, the support they BOTH deserve .Perhaps if they had before they had children you would not have had to witness what you have….I am here,I am seeking help not because I think what I do is right, but because it is wrong.

 

Perhaps if my parents had sought help for their differing issues I may have been born into a supportive and communicative family, which may have resulted in a different childhood, a different life.

 

Shadows light…Thank You !!!

 

I will look up those books you mentioned..I never thought of anger management…I have been asking my doctor since my teenage years to refer me to a therapist, I live in Ireland and mental health is somewhat of a dark art here.Recently a friend who is a therapist put me on to someone who is helping me.

 

Had I not have listened to the advice I got on this site last night I would probably still be thinking of ways to save the relationship instead of trying to save myself…so to you and the others that offered advice,THANK YOU !

 

I GREATFULLY ACCEPT IT AND WILL TRY TO PUT IT INTO ACTION.

 

I will also keep coming back to this forum….I think it helps.

 

Beyondthesea

 

You wrote "If you blame someone else for your actions, you are abusive."Not sure I follow your line of thought…I believe this forum is about self expression, so I appreciate your right to express your opinion.

 

abusive

• adjective 1 extremely offensive and insulting. 2 involving cruelty and violence.

— DERIVATIVES abusively adverb abusiveness noun.

 

Although I also believe this forum is about support, again I respect your right to offer that support to those you feel share your mindset.

 

 

 

Silently Bent

 

"your past is not who you are, it's just where you're from"…

 

Thank You…THERE IS HOPE!!!

[Beyondthesea]

Hi Berry,

 

What I meant is if I hit someone and then blame them for my outburst, that is abuse. You mention various times how your girlfriend is unstable, you are angry and have held it in...I interpret that as blame.

 

Make sure you go and get some help. If you really want to deal with your problems that's great! If your ex doesn't, don't get dragged back down.