bubbleberry

Has anyone heard anything from this young girl...do we know if she is ok?

again guys ,many Thanks.. What a day it has been... a roller coaster of emotions...my girlfriend and I have agreed that the relationship is over...It was a decision that was not spoken about...I just emailed her my thoughts, my need to get help and support and expressed the views of some of you that I may not change...I wanted her to know that this is serious stuff because she can at times choose to ignore that which so obviously need to be addressed. She is supportive of me and my efforts to change, to grow.But from the content of emails I have received from her she obviously does not think that she has any of her own personal work to do...I did not suggest to her that she had, but It was obvious that she feels that I am the only one in the relationship with issues. Thats ok,its not my business, not my work...but I had hoped that at some stage in the future we could develop our relationship...that I now know will not happen,. Strangely it is a relief, I can stop worrying about the relationship, about her and concentrate on myself. I called a number of women's aid organisations today, I am told there are only 2 organisations in Northern Ireland that work with men...one is specifically for men suffering from abuse, and the other is simply a counseling service for men...I had contacted them about a year ago...but a friend is a supervising counselor in a number of groups, she is involved in a lot of government and charitable organisations and she says that because none of their counselors are accredited, their training cannot be verified...There is no governing body for therapists or counselors here...so anyone can set themselves up as a counselor...seems that they have see a gap in the market... So its back to the drawing board...I am awaiting call backs from a number of other groups who may offer advice...but I know I need to work on this ASAP..its easy to forget ones bad points. Thank you for your support...I will keep you posted.I am spending the weekend involved in a youth course, so that will take my mind off this stuff, but hopefully not for two long. Again Many Thanks for all you support..I will keep you posted. Bub

No problem,. Love to chat

Guys, Thank you. I am only beginning to realise the extent of my problems, the work I need to do, I do not believe I could have realised this without the advice,support...and yes even the critism of the members of this forum. None of what I say about my past, my fellings, my own personal pain is an excuse for what I do,.It a a personal reflection of the issues and events that have brought me to where I am now...But I think sharing some of my story will help, not only will it remind me where I have been, the wrongs I have commited, but it will remaind me of the progress I have made...and If there are others out there who are reading this thread, it may offer some hope.... I will make it short. By the age of 13 I had suffered emence physical and emotional abuse by my parents.I had been kidnapped and a number of times had to be escorted home from school early by the police because they feared for my safety..my dad was back in town and usually when that happened someone got hurt. Remamber that this was at the hight of the violence in Northern Ireland..I live in Belfast so all around there were bombs,soldiers,tanks and arouured cars on the streets,people getting shot...think Bagdad..sometimes as many as 10 bombs in one day.I lived in an area that was pretty effected. By the age of 15 I was an alcohoilc, I was working but spending all my wages on alcohol,...By the age of 22 I was living in a squat in europe,using class a drugs...the heavy stuff on a daily,hourly basis.i remained a functioning alcoholic and and drug addict until I was 25 when i stopped using drugs...still hit the booze thou. By the age of 28 most of my closest family members were dead, I had travelled the world...my drunkathon I call it...lived in australia,new zealand, cambodai, thailand and many european countries.While living in a buddist monastary in Thailand I realised that there was work to be done,and glimpsed the possibliitys. While working as general manager of a large Resturant and Bar in Florida I got sober,carried on working around alcohol...just didnt use it.I then moved to california,again running a bar...again sober. In california a started meditation and yoga...which I still do occasionally...I also realised that alcohol and drugs were not my problem...my emotional unhappiness and instability were my problems...alcohol and drugs were just symptoms....self medication is a term that has been used...the first time by a therapist in california...for me this was really the beginning...so many years of partying,booze,drugs, had really stumped my emotional and spiritual growth. I was in my late 20s but felt like I was dealling with all the emotional issues,confusion,hurt that most teenagers go through...when I should have been dealing with all this stuff...how to communicate...how to interact with others on a healthy level,how to deal with rejection and hurt...I was drunk...so I had no experience....I was a teenager in a mans body. Today I am back in Belfast...Its a really hard city to live in....so much negativity...so much hurt...only yesterday they found a bomb making factory that had a huge bomb that was assembled for use (as appose to assembled for future use...not primed) Buy I have managed to find a group of individuals who are commited to growth...and we are involved together working with youth.I own my own home,run my own small business, am able to go to the pub and have a pint with my mates and not worry that i will get drunk...and on the rare occasion that i do have one to many do not have to worry thatit will lead to some negative...apart from the hangover. I have also,just started a charity...trying to help children deal with the issues that I did as a child... "We are a non-profit organization devoted to the greater character development of our young people and the people who care for them. Too frequently teens have difficulty in school and society, not because they lack the basic intelligence, but because they have not developed the character or emotional literacy required to cope with the stress and negativity in their everyday lives. " from our website home page. I am an intelligent,healthy,attractive contributing member of society. What happened with my girlfriend was simply another step in my continued progress...I believe when we are ready our lives present us with issues to deal with..exactly at the time when we have the resources to deal with them...it is then our choice to make the move,to reach out and to get the help,support and assistance that will effect change. Had I not been in a relationship, I would never have realised that I had anger issues,that I can be co-dependant, that i am controlling...yeah I may have known in the back of my mind...but unless we are presented with a problem it is human nature to ignore it. I am glad that things have happened as they did...my girlfriend was not physically hurt, ( THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE...JUST A STATEMENT OF FACT...IT DOES NOT CHANGE THAT WHAT I DID WAS WRONG)and I have been given the oppertunity to make some real progress in my life... Today I am going to phone all of the organisations in my area that deal with domestic violence and ask them where they suggest I go. I am also going to my doctor to seek his advice and will call my councellor (who I had stopped seeing) and ask if she feels this is something she can deal with. What all of this has taught me, what I now realise with all of your help iis that I was neglecting myself...Life is going to throw stuff at me until I die...but it will never be stuff that I cannot deal with...just tests...rights of passage.... I will keep you posted

Aliec Sorry If my honesty angers you. I know that living in an environment such as the one you describe must cause you endless pain, and I truly hope your parents, for their sake and yours reach out to a forum like this,and get if only in the form of words, the support they BOTH deserve .Perhaps if they had before they had children you would not have had to witness what you have….I am here,I am seeking help not because I think what I do is right, but because it is wrong. Perhaps if my parents had sought help for their differing issues I may have been born into a supportive and communicative family, which may have resulted in a different childhood, a different life. Shadows light…Thank You !!! I will look up those books you mentioned..I never thought of anger management…I have been asking my doctor since my teenage years to refer me to a therapist, I live in Ireland and mental health is somewhat of a dark art here.Recently a friend who is a therapist put me on to someone who is helping me. Had I not have listened to the advice I got on this site last night I would probably still be thinking of ways to save the relationship instead of trying to save myself…so to you and the others that offered advice,THANK YOU ! I GREATFULLY ACCEPT IT AND WILL TRY TO PUT IT INTO ACTION. I will also keep coming back to this forum….I think it helps. Beyondthesea You wrote "If you blame someone else for your actions, you are abusive."Not sure I follow your line of thought…I believe this forum is about self expression, so I appreciate your right to express your opinion. abusive • adjective 1 extremely offensive and insulting. 2 involving cruelty and violence. — DERIVATIVES abusively adverb abusiveness noun. Although I also believe this forum is about support, again I respect your right to offer that support to those you feel share your mindset. Silently Bent "your past is not who you are, it's just where you're from"… Thank You…THERE IS HOPE!!!

guess I should expect that I qwould not get much support here...what I need is advice,how do I deal with this situation...or as I asked before...Do I somehow not deserve that... QUESTION.. If i started by my notes on this forum by saying that my girlfriend was being emotionally abusive...that she was controlling,passive aggressive...what would you guys then say? Seems I am percieved as some type of monster,I came for advice,for help,because I care,because I respect not only myself but also others.. By the way Ailec1987 ,you state that voilence is not an inate reaction,it is a choice....mabey yes,mabey no...depends on situation...some people say that alcoholics have a choice,drug addicts have a choice...the medical professions though consider these to be ilnesses.... Dont judge people who ask for support...is that not why you are all here...biy of history for you... my dad beat my mum and me...i was put on a life support machine because he smashed my head when I was only 3.my mum left him when i was four...he kidnapped me when I was 5 and again i ended up in hospital because he drove trru a police road block. I have worked all my life dealing with the physical abuse from my dad and the emotional abuse (which i believe to be worse) that my mum dished out...i have worked hard,for over 25 years dealing with my issues.i will continue to do so perhaps until i die,but i will not give up and will not spend my adult life alone for fear that i have not "solved "the problem.

But is that the whole story....? I have been reading this thread...and thought I would share my thoughts... Last night I hit my girlfriend...I didn't punch her, but I shook her and pushed my head against hers...I did mean to hurt her though…you can read the whole story here I am aware that this is an extremely emotional subject, I am also aware that some of those reading may have experienced violence in a relationship... I just want to express my opinion...It's my opinion and may be totally wrong...but that's ok, First thing I will say is that I have realized that if I shake someone or punch them in the face...there is no difference...( no I have never punched someone in the face,well not since school, and never a girl) Secondly I realize that everyone is different...something that may anger me may not anger you...or vice versa. People communicate in different ways Communication is the key to every relationship. I believe that you could take someone that has been in wonderfull, sucessfull relationship...and put them together with another, who also has had a history of great relationships...and they may fall in love....but they also may not be able to communicate...they may push each others buttons, they may anger each other, no fault of their own....just emotional incompatibility. My girlfriend pushed my buttons 24/7 Time and time again I tried to have an open discussion with her and she always refused...she insulted me, she made faces when I spoke (non verbally communicating that I was talking rubbish), when I expressed my concerns, my needs, my desires, in a non aggressive, loving manner she would recite a list of all the things I do wrong, thus defending her corner and not allowing communication. I started to get angry about 4 months ago. We should have split then, but my anger was internal, I had not expressed in an inappropriate manner. I loved her, I understood her incesurtitys, her hurt, I thought I could make it work...but she was still making me angry, and I her. Last night 4 months since the problems first started I became violent. I have asked her to move out, I have told her that I need time to do some personal work, councelling etc. There is a chance that I could have developed a relationship based on healthy communication, and that this anger would never have happened...there is also the possibility that I could have had a worse relationship...and become more violent. Who knows...only time will tell...but when I read all the posts that make sweeping statements…that say I will never change, that I do not want to change, that I am controlling...I wonder if there is any point even going to counseling...even trying to deal with my issues. Is important to realize that this forum does not deal in facts...it is also important to remember that many people read this forum...abusers and the abused.... My girlfriend is passive aggressive. I can be violent when pushed. We both have issues we need to deal with...don't write either of us off...I came to this forum for advice and support...just like you guys...Do I not deserve it...or is that reserved for my girlfriend and her emotional problems? I may also add that today I discovered that in my area there are 5 different groups that offer support for those suffering from physical abuse...and no support atall for those who have ,or are at risk of becoming abusers...

First I must state that I am a man so if this makes you unfomfortable please know that I will not be offended. secondly I am A member of the Bahai faith. We have social and economic groups in every country around the world. It would be extremly easy for me to get you assistance that you can trust in you area. They can try and look into what the situation is in your country and try to offer a solution....There is no quick answer given you are so far away and in a country where you are not as valued as you should be....but there is ,and will be help for you. A word to those ladies who are following this post...I am more than happy to have one of you deal with this and put you in touch with any contacts that I can make. I would however advise against giving out personal email addresses....this is an extremly serious matter....perhaps an administrator can take over and keep the rest of us posted.