Feelings come out when I drink...

[oneboardus]

My bf and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We were very happy the first year and then he got recalled to active duty and was going to be gone for a year. We continued our relationship long distance for most of the year. But, two months before he was to come home he started acting funny on the phone. For example, he would end conversations and it felt to me like he always wanted to get off the phone. I had brought it up to him but he never really said anything. Also, he started to avoid and nice talk...like we would always joke sexually and stuff but he started to change the subject or say he had to go. Anyway, he came home and I thought he was still acting weird and kind of rude. He always gave me money to pay all the bills so when I came accross his phone bill I found that he spent the last two months talking to his ex girlfriend. It hurt me so bad that I had waited for him for a year and did this to me. So I got mad and called her on the phone. She told me he wanted her back and called her all the time even said he loved her everytime before he got off the phone with her. So, I broke up with him. We got separate checking accounts and put our house up for sale. The only problem was that I was still in love with him and we were still really good friends. The more I tired to hate him the more I couldn't (if that makes any sense). While we were broken up (3 months) we did everything together, and had sex. Anyway, to make a long story short, we got back together and have been back together over 3 months. Everything has been good, he treats me way better and is becoming the man I fell in love with again. The problem is whenever I drink we fight. I bring up the past and he gives me a hard time about drinking. See, he doesn't drink and I do only when we go to parties or hang out with friends. But, it seems as if I only bring up the past when I drink. It still bothers me that he was sneaky and lied to me. I know I have to get over it if I am going to move forward with him. Why do I do this? The next day I regret it because I feel that is why he when to his ex in the first place because I made him feel guilty for leaving me for a year even though it wasn't his fault. I don't drink a lot, when my feelings come out, just 2 or 3 drinks before I start hating him. But, when I am not drinking we get along great and I never bring up the past. He says I act different when I drink...do I or am I just more gutsy? Now, he never wants me to drink and I don't think it's the drinking I think it might be that I am not over it, like I thought I was. What do you think... btw I have posted my background before but this is just an update on our relationship.

Thanks for all your help.

[Chillyfrog]

No its not the drinkiing, they say your true feelings come out when you drink...men are dogs...its not you its him!

[crookster_man]

Well yes and no. The drinking is not the cause of the feelings, but they do unleash them in an uncontrolled manner. If you wish to deal with this matter in a sound, adult way, you need to sit him down and talk to him SOBER. Tell him how you feel and why you feel so hurt. Make sure he understands that by you telling him this it will help the relationship.

 

Explain why you feel betrayed and what it is going to take for you to be happy and healthy again. Maybe this would be a good opportunity to visit a relationship counsellor? They could give you good advice with being open and healing.

 

Lastly, you should cut back on the drink for just a while. Allow your self to work out what issues you have while not creating a negative environment. If you do want to drink do it with your friends when he is not around. Just for the time being, until you have worked through the issues. I understand you are upset, but by fuelling the fire you are making the problem worse. Yes he made a mistake, but must you constantly badger him? Drunken rants are never a good thing. Save the relationship talk for when you are in the right state of mind.

 

Would you want to talk about something that could affect the rest of your life when you are wasted and emotional? The same goes for this.

[oneboardus]

This happened last Friday night... should I say sorry or should I just not let it happen again? I do feel bad about it I mean I packed my stuff and left him, then I came back and we made up...what do you think?

[crookster_man]

Do you feel bad about it? Then apologise, tell him that you realise that you are still very distraught about the situation. Your actions last night were a reflection of your confusion. Thank him for understand and accepting you back latter and tell him that since you know he loves you so much that he will understand everything you need to tell him.

 

Now begin to tell him why you feel so betrayed (the stuff I talked about in my last post). You don't want to hurt him right? Let him know that you are not attacking him or dragging up old things. You are trying to resolve current issues that are harming both of you. Tell him that you want to help build a stronger relationship and for this to happen he has to understand why you acted the way you did and how hurt you were by his actions.

 

Good luck, I hope this helped. Feel free to ask more.

[Aura Seeker]

Well, coming from someone who has had a problem with addictions in the past, I can hear a lot of bells go off when you explain the story.

 

First see if the alcohol is the problem. Quit. If you can't quit, then you know it is. The reason why you keep thrashing over the same subject when you are drinking is because drinking is a diease of the mind, body, and spirit. Some people can drink, some can not.

 

To keep saying you are sorry for the same thing over and over again without taking any action to really correct the root problem, will start to fall on deaf ears.

 

We think we are normal drinkers until we learn what normal drinking really is. A normal drinker will have maybe two glasses of wine, and say how lit they feel, and stop. A non normal drinker will go at it all night until either there is no more left, or you pass out.

 

Which kind of drinker are you?

 

A

[oneboardus]

I can go out to dinner and only have one or two glasses of wine or I can go to a party and have five to six beers...it all depends with me. I do have to admit the idea that my boyfriend doesn't drink bothers me, because he used to when we first met. Now he doesn't but judges me when I do. I love him and if I have to stop drinking I will.

[Aura Seeker]

I think as long as it isn't presenting a problem, then that's a personal decision.

 

The next step as I see it then, is you have to forgive him and move forward. He was away for quite awhile, and now that you two are back in each others company, things might be different.

 

Maybe you haven't really forgive him yet, but you two are together. That is difficult. Personally for myself, I can never move past that. If some one is dishonest in a relationship, I can't get the trust back needed to move forward in the relationship. It's over for me at that point.

 

If you want to stay with him, you are going to have to let it go. To keep bringing up the past is going to drive him right where you don't want him to be.

 

Hope it works out for you. ;-)

 

A