Something is wrong with my husband

[lexusgirl]

We've been married for 12 years and have a 5 year old son. We are both in our very early 40s. For the past 5 years or so my husband "joe" has totally changed. It is like he is a completely different person. While I have threatened divorce a number of times in the past 5 years, he has only mentioned it once and was dead serious about it. I don't know if this is a midlife crisis or what? Here's that facts:

 

1.) We fight alot, almost daily. It can be over little things or big things, we just don't agree on so much. It didn't used to be this way. Now he flies of the handle at almost anything and everything. He is grouchy all the time almost.

2.) He is incredibly stubborn, digs in his heels and won't change his mind about things, even when the facts are right there. He used to be so easy going. Anytime I tell him to do anything, I have a fight on my hands.

3.) He has dropped all his friends and rarely goes out. If he does go somewhere, he goes alone - to the gym or the library or something solitary like that. Or spends alot of time reading. studying or on the internet.

4.) He is sullen and withdrawn much of the time. For a few years he exercised fanatically (and was in super good shape) but I think I've managed to get him to stop doing that so much.

5.) For the first few years of our sons life, he helped out very little, even nothing and would never play with him or anything unless I told him to and then we had a fight on our hands (see point #1.) Thank heavens thats changed in the past few years, now he is so devoted to that I am even a little jealous. He tells him he loves him and misses him and hugs him etc. He NEVER tell me these things.

6.) He looks awful, stressed, tired, blotcy skin, he is way too thin. He has problems sleeping and is sometimes up 1/2 the night. This "new" joe used to have problems with panic attacks and anxiety and was on medication for a while, however he stopped taking the pills saying he didn't like the side effects (zombie). He basically refuses to go to the mall with me and becomes agitated in crowds, likes darkness. He dressed in dark, baggy clothes, doesnt shave or shower often enough and never really does any grooming much. This has gotten worse. I don't know how he holds on to his job. He looks totally scary, people are afraid of him.

7.) We never have sex and I mean NEVER. He barely touchs me. He's not that affectionate with the dog anymore either. We haven't done it in 2 years and it was pretty seldom before that too. He shows no interest in it. I doubt he is having an affair - I don't know where he would find the time. He works and goes to school part time as well, and like I said, he never goes anywhere. Besides, what woman would want him?

Lately I've noticed that if we are watching a movie that has some intimate scenes in it that he becomes uncomfortable. He won't rent vids that might have scenes like that. It's all sci-fi or war movies for him unless I force him to get something else.

8.) About 2 years ago and for about a year, I thought he might have had a drinking problem as he drank alot (alone of course) but then abruptly he stopped that too and will not even drink socially anymore.

9.) Before the birth of our son, he smoked pot constantly, it was way worse than I thought it was (this came out in marriage counselling) Now he won't touch the stuff, or coffee, or cigs or anything unhealthy. Except for that year or so when he was a drunk. We were at a party a while back when some people were smoking pot and he left instantly, he didn't want to be in the same room as pot smokers he said. He told his brother (who occasionally smokes pot), one of the few people he actually talks to these days, to never offer him or even mention it ever. Things have been very strained with his family the last little while too.

10.) I try to remind him of how much fun he used to be but he seems to have such a low opinion of himself in those years. I think he regrets it.

 

We went to marriage counselling for a while. It didn't help. He was OK with going, in fact I think it was his idea, but when he was there he talked about himself all the time and I think the counseller got freaked out. He was very angry. We stopped going because it was super expensive and the insurance ran out. Besides, it created more fights than it solved.

 

I don't know what to do. It's like he is a totally different person. I don't know if it is the quitting smoking pot, the birth of our son, mid life crisis or what. Other people have noticed too. There is no sign of drug abuse at all (all money is accounted for, we don't really have any anyways) and there is no sign of sexual interference with our son at all, so that's not a factor, thank god.

 

sorry for the long post, any advice would be appreciated.

[DN]

2.) He is incredibly stubborn, digs in his heels and won't change his mind about things, even when the facts are right there. He used to be so easy going. Anytime I tell him to do anything, I have a fight on my hands.

 

5.) For the first few years of our sons life, he helped out very little, even nothing and would never play with him or anything unless I told him to and then we had a fight on our hands (see point #1.)

 

Do you see what may be wrong with the way you talk to your husband about things?

[WildChild]

First thing that came to my mind, drug use. Sounds too familiar.

[lexusgirl]

yes, I know, it LOOKS like drug use but I'm sure it isn't. There's no money missing, I've looked for track marks and nothing. And he freaks out if anyone does drugs or drinks etc around him. He refuses to be around anyone like that. Hes afraid I think.

To the poster who said that my telling what to do too much is a problem. he's complained about that too, saying that Im too bossy and stuff. But if I didn't tell him to do things then he wouldn't do them

[WildChild]

You know, I have to apologize. Although I think some of the behavior duplicates drug abuse, I reread your post after I read DN and Dako's responses. They are right, you run your husband into the ground. Even your comment about him working out "but I think I've managed to get him to stop doing that so much" and you call him scary to the point that people are scared of him???

 

You need to rethink yourself, and work on yourself right now rather than your husband.

[Shadows Light]

DN and DAKO.... I picked up on the same thing.

 

When you say.. "I told him to do this. I argue with him to do that. I have to yell at him..... " You are acting like his mother.

 

He's got a lot of pent up anger and resentment in him. You said so yourself... it came out in Marriage counseling.

 

I don't know if she's necessarily running him into the ground DAKO..she's mothering and controlling. You stopped his working out so much??? It might have been his one SANITY check. What harm can working out be????

He can't feel good about himself. He doesn't hold his boundaries very well. And the both of you have NOT contracted this relationship very well on roles and responsibilities.

 

There has been no sex in the relationship for 2 years.... HELLO!!! you don't have a marriage here. The difference between an intimate relationship and a friendship is .... well... INTIMACY. And if you do not have intimacy... what do you have???

 

Sounds like you arn't very good friends either. So, your just room-mates at this point.

 

Your marriage is on precarious ground here. There's got to be some sort of marital counseling available to you. Have you tried calling around to local churches. Some have counseling services.

[RayKay]

It sounds like you two have serious differences in how you communicate and approach conflict.

 

On your side - threatening divorce, and telling him what to do, is a sure way not to develop open and healthy communication! Maybe it is just how you wrote, but it does come off as very controlling and demanding, which may explain his feelings. I have a male friend whom is in much the same position as your husband from how you described. Of course, him being withdrawn and defensive is not helping either.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he is depressed. And I mean really depressed. This could be a combination of many factors including the relationship but also other factors - can I ask why you got him to stop going to the gym/exercising "fanatically"? My guess is he used this as an anti-depressant of sorts, and when he stopped, his mood plummeted and it became a vicious cycle. I only say that is I know how it is for me in that sense. I work out a lot, fortunately have a partner whom is similar to me in that respect, and if I can't, I can get incredibly down and withdrawn and insecure. Why would you make him "stop doing that"?

 

I honestly think counselling is a necessity right now, both in the marital sense, and individually. It may be expensive, but you have to decide if your marriage is worth it...if not, well maybe that money should be spent on a lawyer?

[Dako]

I thought my post was over the top, so I deleted it.

My opinion was heavily influenced by seeing how my brother's marriage is failing, and I had a gut reaction.

[RayKay]

To the poster who said that my telling what to do too much is a problem. he's complained about that too, saying that Im too bossy and stuff. But if I didn't tell him to do things then he wouldn't do them

 

But he is an adult too, and has to be responsible to decide on his own. If he does not do it, the consequences occur.

 

My guess is if instead of nagging, you showed appreciation when he DID do things rather then expecting it to be done, he would be more willing to do things voluntarily by choice.

 

Positive reinforcement.

[Shadows Light]

Ok.. telling him what to do... let me back up a step here.

 

I'm guilty guilty guilty. In our home there was no division of labor. It "all" rested on my shoulders. And I was resentful. No matter how I flipped it. I couldn't manage the change. The home would go to rot if I just let it go.

 

So... I KNOW where you are coming from. My X would tell me.. "I'm not a mind reader.." and then if I told him what to do.. He'd say.. "Yes,master"... it was a NO WIN situation. With me getting harpy and resentful.

 

He's on his computer alot.... have you thought about checking out the history. Cookies. Or... possibly installing a key-logger??? Don't know.... addictions come in many forms... its not just drugs and alchohol.

[DN]

He could be using the computer as an escape from someone who is constantly telling him what to do, arguing, fighting, threatening divorce, telling him how to interact with his child, putting him down and demeaning him. Maybe it's an alternative to leaving the marriage and finding someone who treats him a lot better. Or maybe he posts on here and asks advice about coping with an unhappy marriage - it seems he needs quite a lot of that.

 

Just a thought.

[Dako]

I agree with DN. Just based on that fairly detailed OP, I honestly sympathized with the guy.

[vesper]

He is going into his 'cave' because you are 'hurting' him. Why are you asking him for a divorce when you don't actually mean it???? Just to hurt him on purpose for what reason????

 

I have to agree with other posters here and say that you are causing some of this behavior...especially the comments you made about him working out too much, etc. You have your own issues that you need to sort out before blaming your husband for nonsense and stirring up drama for no reason at all.

 

Unless you are hiding something yourself???

[Beyondthesea]

It could be that she is demanding of him, or it could be he has completely changed over time. That is also a possibility.

 

I've seen similar relationships where one of the partners just deteriorates over time. It's obvious he has some problems of his own if he's lost that much weight, had been drinking, doing drugs, etc. It's not always anyone's fault, and I would certainly be annoyed if I came here looking for advice and heard "It's all because of you!"

 

Everyone's actions are a choice to some extent. Something isn't right with him. Certainly I don't agree with how his problems are being addressed, but I don't believe it's all the fault of the wife.

[annie24]

It sounds to me like he is depressed.

 

I think you two should try counseling again, both individual AND marital counseling. Yes, I know that you said you tried it, and it brought up more fights, but yes, in therapy, issues are going to come up and you have to confront them. it is part of the healing. You aren't going to go to therapy and things will be immediately better after 45 minutes with the therapist. There's a lot of anger and resentment that needs to be dealt with.

 

I know you said it's expensive, but isn't saving your marriage worth it?

[vesper]

It could be that she is demanding of him, or it could be he has completely changed over time. That is also a possibility.

 

I've seen similar relationships where one of the partners just deteriorates over time. It's obvious he has some problems of his own if he's lost that much weight, had been drinking, doing drugs, etc. It's not always anyone's fault, and I would certainly be annoyed if I came here looking for advice and heard "It's all because of you!"

 

Everyone's actions are a choice to some extent. Something isn't right with him. Certainly I don't agree with how his problems are being addressed, but I don't believe it's all the fault of the wife.

 

Yeah, you are right, we are all being too harsh. We should offer up some support here.

 

Does he have any 'new' friends that he likes to spend time with?

 

[DN]

It's hard to tell what is the cause when he is under this much pressure from his wife. If she has been this way throughout the marriage and he has changed over that time it could easily be that she has changed him for the worse. How many people would not be changed for the worse if they were to be treated like that for years?

 

He is concerned about his health so he exercises and stopped drinking an smoking pot - and that is perceived as part of his problem.

 

He doesn't want sex with her - who would want sex with someone who constantly criticises him?

 

It is possible that not all his problems are caused by her. But in any 'diagnosis' it is best to look at the obvious causes of the symptoms first and some of them are painfully obvious - at least to me.

 

Frankly, if he was the one posting and asking for advice under those circumstances I would advice him to get a medical checkup for depression but also to seriously consider separation if not divorce.

[Bethany]

This man has had enough and I am quite worried about him and his state of mind.

You need to read what you have written and read it as if it was YOU. How do you think 'you' are doing? Do you think that you have had enough? Because I certainly do.

Go out and buy Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus TODAY!!!! and see what you have done to him make him this way and act immediately on changing what you discover.

[annie24]

lexusgirl - I read your original post again, and honestly, you kind of remind me of my mother. She has nagged and critisized myself and my brother over every aspect of our lives, and now she wonders why we withdraw from her and don't want a relationship with her anymore.

 

You did say some rather harsh things about him like, "what woman would want him" and that "he used to be easy going but now he doesn't do what you tell him to." It sounds more like you are his mom, telling him to do this and to do that. Why did you make him stop going to the gym? That was probably a very healthy outlet for his stress.

 

And I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to be affectionate towards you, because your attitude seems to be hostile towards him.

 

I really do think that you shouldn't be as overbearing on him as you are. Like I said, my mother is like that, and I can't stand it at all, neither can my brother. You don't want to be arounds someone who sees fault with all you do.

 

When was the last time you gave him a compliment?

 

What steps have you taken to try to fix the relationship?

 

I second reading venus and mars. good book!

[Dako]

Maybe this guy should visit the forum.

[heythere1234]

"So... I KNOW where you are coming from. My X would tell me.. "I'm not a mind reader.." and then if I told him what to do.. He'd say.. "Yes,master"... it was a NO WIN situation. With me getting harpy and resentful."

 

I agree with the poster who said that.

 

It can really be NO WIN llike that discribed above, with some men.

 

You may have been to bossy in the past, and that's not cool. BUT, that doesn't excuse him treating you so badly now. So yes he may have some resentment and depression. Both should go to counseling, hope it improves.

[Shadows Light]

Poster....

 

Reading between the lines of the cumulative advice given here from a male and female perspective. And from my own personal experience. I reitterate that the both of you need counseling and quickly to turn this tide.

 

You've both set yourselves up for a vicious cycle and neither can seem to get off the wheel thats just keeps spinning.

 

You have taken on the responsible role, the power role in the relationship. You are leading and he is following. As someone said.. you've taken a "Mothering" roll. And he is the rebellious teen. Isn't that what a child does??? rebels when its time to grow up.

 

We all mature at different rates. And lotz depends on genes and the environment that we grew up in.

 

Reading your original posts.. I'm going to infer that you were ready to get married and to take the reigns of responsibility. He was still drinking, partying smoking pot. Smoking pot well into your marriage as you said. You said you didn't know how much until a marriage counseling session.

 

Well.. he quit. He's tried to put that behind him. Drinking... he's quit..and put that behind him. The exercise... is was important to him. Its an endorphin boost... it keeps the dark clouds and depression away. Depression about what?? dont' know.. does he have some childhood memories he needs to work through??? It certainly could NOT have been easy to kick the habit. I haven't smoked a joint in near 10 years... but I'll tell you..every once in a while I get a yen. And I was only a now and then partyier.

 

The friends he left behind. Could be the types of friendships he had were all superficial. And he figured it out. The people he hung out with drank, or smoked pot. He needed to put them behind him. And now?? maybe he doesn't feel he fits in anywhere. He doesn't know how to make other friendships. From personal experience... cultivating adult friendships is difficult. When??? you go to work. you come home and you go to work. The gym.. would have been a good place to make friends.

 

And who can he talk to about his problems.. or whats ailing him. We women let it all hang out. We have no problems with finding someone to bounce things off of.

 

Please don't take these as HITS toward you. Its a dance you are involved in. He acts.. you re-act.

 

Add the challenges of parenting for both of you.. and you've got yourself a nice stew.

 

You don't have intimacy...so you really don't have a marriage.

You don't have friendship.. because friends have better communication skills.

And you don't even have a room-mate.. because even in a room-mate situation you have expectations, some sort of partnership, an understandig of the division of labor and operating procedures.

 

If you were his room-mate.. do you think either one of you would put up with each others habits for long???

 

If you were friends.. do you think either one of you would put up with treating each other with contempt?

 

So.. what makes it ok in a marriage????

 

I hear you.. he seems withdrawn, distant, depressed, he's not taking care of himself and you are unhappy. Can you see the circle?

 

He's a man. And yes, he needs to step up to the plate and pony up. But you have to give him the room to do that. The room to grow,make decisions, and to learn. He's not gonna want to come up to bat if he thinks he's gonna strike out at every turn. And you won't turn him into an all star player the way its going.

 

Obviously.. what you both are doing. Is not working for either one of you.

 

So changes are in order for both.

 

You have a "son" to raise... right now you have control of him, but as he grows.. he's gonna step away. He's going to pull on those reins and rebel. That is his job. Your job is to raise your "son".. not your husband. Take a step back. And look at it from that perspective. Allow him the room to LIVE. And your frustrations will lessen. You are NOT responsible for him. He doesn't need raising, he had that. He doesn't need a mother.. he's had one. He needs a partner. You both have to step back and eat some humble pie. If neither budges... your chances of survival are minimal.

[md2be]

k. after reading your initial post, lexusgirl, I agree with the one poster who suggested that your husband may be suffering from depression.

 

I would advise you to try and encourage your husband to see your family doctor and discuss how he has been feeling. Depression is a MEDICAL condition and can be treated with a combination of medication and other strategies, including cognitive behavioural therapy.

 

IF your husband is suffering from depression, your doctor can diagnose it and provide him with the treatment he needs.

 

Perhaps, since he does not like you asking him to do things, you might get somebody else he is close to, i.e. family/relatives, to suggest that he seek medical attention?

[OceanEyes]

Wow ... there have been some fairly intense responses here so far. To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to really understand this situation entirely.

 

There are obviously two sides to this story and we're only hearing one.

 

It sounds like the husband is really suffering through some depression or some type of psychological turmoil. Why that is? I really have no idea. I'm not going to blame anyone because I have no idea who either person really is.

 

Saying that someone is "running their husband into the ground" isn't really flattering - this could just be the way she expresses herself and doesn't intend her text to be taken in such a domineering manner. Text can be seriously misunderstood and miscontrued, but I suppose that's the risk we all take by communicating on the internet.

 

I'd like to be able to help a bit more, but this one is tough to call, not knowing either of these people.

[Jessy]

I agree with everyone in that it seems like you're stressing him out very much with your telling him what to do and making him stop things, marriage counseling, etc.

 

You said you're jealous of how much he seems to love your son... maybe that's because he's the only person in his life who doesn't want something from him.

 

He probably feels overwhelmed with you controlling him, his job, school, etc. It's like being a teenager all over again but without the stamina.

 

Maybe you should re-evaluate your situation... if he seriously considered divorce it's obviously a big problem. You should talk to him, try to be gentle and NICE... don't just TELL him to stop acting that way.

 

I'm not trying to sound rude here, but I think it's the best thing for you, and everyone else involved in your situation right now for you to be told straight up what's up.

 

When you married your husband, what were you thinking? Honestly...? Did you think something along the lines of "This is a good move, financially and I'll finally be able to settle down and have children" or "I love this person very much and want to spend the rest of my life making them happy"

 

I'm not about to pretend I know what it's like to be married, as I'm sure it's very difficult, but rewarding at the same time.... It seems that for your husband, it's only about the difficulty and stress.

 

You should talk to your husband and try to see how he feels, and an apology probably wouldn't hurt.