Should I break up? 5 year relationship

[connectionless]

First thought, even you are even considering breaking up there must be a problem. Yes there are problems.

 

Quick info.

 

5 year relationship. Started in highschool, though community college, then a semi far distant relationship for the past 2 years at my 4 year college(1 hour drive). I only see her on TH, FRI, SAT

 

It's one of those relationships where she puts more into it then I do. Is that a problem? I feel like i'm using her sometimes. I'm happy often, but not all time. Can a relationship like this last?

 

I feel I've wasted my college life with this girl, because if this isn't "the one" then I feel i'm screwed. I feel a lot of regret now that I'm in my last semester here.

 

I feel regret b/c I'm emotionally and physically attracted to other girls. I find people that fill in the holes that my current g/f has without the flaws. I don't even know if I have a chance often with these other girls, but me simplying thinking these things is not a good sign I assume.

 

She can see us getting married, I can honestly believe I would be happy in that. It's wonderful to have someone there by your side.

 

Is the grass greener on the other side? You always want what you don't have.

 

In 3 months this is turning into an even longer "long distantance relationship" because I found a job in another city "the chance of a lifetime" job coming out of college. We will be about 3 hours apart. But she is willing to move down their with me after she finishes school in 1 year.

[Ploppy]

I was with a girl for 2 and half years. We met at the end of highschool, and just broke up (i'm half way through college). I was going through the same and i felt psycially and mentally attracted to other people. However, we had other problems and eventually we broke up and i miss her so much now. Understand that no matter who you're with, your emotions for people will flucuate and there will be times when you don't feel like your current love is the right one. However, learn to look at the whole picture, remember all these girls you have feelings for will have their own flaws too, you just don't know them yet and they might end up being alot worser than what your current girl friend has. My advise from experiance would be to stay with your current girlfriend, when i was with mine i thought it'd be cool to be single and to be free at such a young age and i was tempted to end it, but now it is over i relise how much i really had back then..

[arwen]

Hey connectionless,

 

First off, welcome!

 

I read a lot of mixed messages in your posts. You feel like she isn't the one, yet you can see yourself marrying her. Well, if the first of those propositions is true, I'd suggest NOT to make a proposal out of the second proposition. Don't marry a girl you don't feel committed to.

 

The way you describe your relationship, although it is somewhat longdistance, is like some sort of 'convenience'. Like it makes sense to you that you're with her, but it doesn't feel like you miss her throughout the week or have any true loving feelings towards her.

 

Are you scared to be alone? 5 years is a LONG time to spend in a relationship, committed to someone you don't feel you actually love.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[connectionless]

Hey connectionless,

 

First off, welcome!

 

I read a lot of mixed messages in your posts. You feel like she isn't the one, yet you can see yourself marrying her. Well, if the first of those propositions is true, I'd suggest NOT to make a proposal out of the second proposition. Don't marry a girl you don't feel committed to.

 

The way you describe your relationship, although it is somewhat longdistance, is like some sort of 'convenience'. Like it makes sense to you that you're with her, but it doesn't feel like you miss her throughout the week or have any true loving feelings towards her.

 

Are you scared to be alone? 5 years is a LONG time to spend in a relationship, committed to someone you don't feel you actually love.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

 

I feel that if she isn't "the one" I wasted my college life. Yes 5 years is a long time. I would be very alone & scared if I lost her, she has turned into my best friend. Walking around campus knowing other girls, sometimes my gut is turning inside out wondering if what I have is all I'll ever have for the rest of my life.

[arwen]

Sorry I misread!

 

Well, this is a normal feeling for someone who is in college, and still in a relationship with the sweetheart from high school. It doesn't help that the two of you only get to see each other in the weekends. A lot changes during your studies, I think that deep down, you know if you want to stay or if you want out. It's then more a case of admitting it to yourself, regardless of the consequence.

 

Maybe it helps to think 'smaller' about the rest of your life than 'all I'll EVER have for the rest of my life'. Do you see her in your future with the new job? Would you be happier if you'd be single and start over in a new town? Or do you want her to move to be with you?

 

I think there must be love if you spent 2 years long distance, you were attracted to other people (which is normal in most long relationships), and didn't cheat on her.

 

Of course you didn't waste your college life. It's not like life ends after college, there is a whole new life after it that you will enjoy as well. It might not have the same freedom in it, but it will allow you in other ways to enjoy it (like more money for better vacations, more regularity in your life).

 

I spent most of my time at uni with a guy who in the end sort of got back together with me to get over someone else he met in between. Do I feel like I wasted those years with him? No. They were a valuable lesson and for the most of this time, we were happy with each other.

 

Don't blame yourself for feeling either way. If the love isn't there, don't waste your FUTURE with it. Then you will have some feeling of having missed out during college, but not during a life time. You can't build a lifetime (or longtime) relationship on convenience and expect to be blissfully happy.

 

Ilse

[RandomAdvisor]

I've been with my GF for five years and she's finally coming home from school in another month or so. We've been long distance for the last four years.

 

I think more or less the same way you do about my girlfriend, but the way you are phrasing things is in more of a "glass half empty" kind of approach. I also wonder if what I currently have with her is more or less what I'm going to have for the rest of my life, but if it is, I think I would have a happy life.

 

When you say you wonder if this is "all I'm going to have" it makes me think you aren't satisfied with your current relationship for one reason or the other. Are you unsatisfied with your current relationship right now? If so, what's missing? Can it be fixed? Do you want to fix it?

 

Do you want to experiment with other women before you settle down? There's nothing wrong with that.

[kadvati79]

My ex and me went through the same thing. He's in his last year at university. To be honest, I think he needs to go off and be himself, be a bit crazy, be irresponsible for a little bit. There was no way we could do that together and he would have just ended up resenting me and always wondering if the grass is greener.

 

I think you need to make a decision that you feel in your heart. I think my ex found he felt much better than he thought he would have after we broke up. He is happy now, we talk on msn, and he wants to meet up in future and we will see how things go from there. Relationships can be a delicate matter of timing.

 

My love for my ex isn't hampered by him having to go off and do his own thing. I'm not waiting around, trying to move on as best as I can. But I see this as part of what you need to do when you are growing up and I do still see us seeing how we go in future.

[connectionless]

There is one person I'd love to experiment with actually. It's kinda hard to let her know. What would some girl want with a man who's been in a 5 year relationship and is now questioning himself over her. I'd imagine she wouldn't think much of him, because she doesn't want to be in my current girlfriends shoes.

[RandomAdvisor]

There is one person I'd love to experiment with actually. It's kinda hard to let her know. What would some girl want with a man who's been in a 5 year relationship and is now questioning himself over her. I'd imagine she wouldn't think much of him, because she doesn't want to be in my current girlfriends shoes.

 

You're thinking logically. One thing I've learned from this forum is that when it comes to matters of the heart, you can throw logic out the window. It's more likely she would be flattered.

 

I'm not telling you to drop your current GF to try and pursue something with this other girl, only you can decide that for yourself. Whatever you choose to do, think things through carefully. I went through a similar experience a couple of years ago in college when I still had two years of long distance to go with my GF, and I was attracted to other girls. I chose to stay with my GF though.

 

That was me though, and what you feel for your GF might be different. If you know in your heart that your current GF isn't the one for you don't feel guilty for breaking up with her. Staying with her and robbing her of the chance to find that person who really does love her would be the wrong thing to do. If you choose to break up with your current GF, I would recommend not jumping into another relationship immediately. I'd suggest waiting a few months instead.

 

On the other hand, if you decide to stay together that's great too. Whatever you do, I'm sure you understand it's not a decision to be made lightly...

[connectionless]

Did you ever try to see if the way you felt about those other girls was mutually felt? Or did you just say one day "I don't care if they like me also, I'm just going to move on with my current gf"

[xprincessbugx]

Maybe you should try taking a break for awhile and seeing if you would enjoy dating other people. Maybe once you realize that she isn't around and she isn't by your side that you'll miss her and realize how much you need her and love her and you can appreciate what you have.

[xmrth]

I've been with my boyfriend almost 2 years longer than you two, and I will say that a couple of years ago I felt a lot of what you're feeling, wondering what else is out there and things such as that.

Then one day I made a stupid mistake, (-nothing- like cheating or anything, but it was certainly -not- cool.) And I almost lost him. Never did I realize EVER how much I had with him that I could never have with anyone else.

I think you need to really sit down and think to yourself all of what you have with your girlfriend, versus what you'll never find in anyone else.

 

You don't know how these other girls really are and you won't know until you have dated them for a while. They could have ex's hanging around, they could be awful flirts, they may not take work and making money seriously.... you know, things like that. Anything.

 

I understand what you're trying to say, that you're happy but could be happier... but don't want to lose what you've got if you never find anything more than what you have with her, but that's love for you. That's the choice EVERYONE has to make at some point.

 

Some people learn it the hard way, some people realize it for themselves on their own... you won't know the answer for a while and I feel worried that you'll make a mistake that you'll forever regret. I'm just sensing that you're happy but you don't understand just how much you really are and won't until it's too late.

 

I think it's more about realizing what you have, rather than wondering what you could have. Even if you two are long distance for a while, that is tough. It makes things a little more difficult because I'm sure you want to see more of her. But still, the fact still remains...

[RandomAdvisor]

Did you ever try to see if the way you felt about those other girls was mutually felt? Or did you just say one day "I don't care if they like me also, I'm just going to move on with my current gf"

 

I said I don't care, and want to move on with my GF.

 

If you only stay with your GF because some other girl wont take you, you shouldn't be with your GF.