I feel like guys misunderstand me

[cranberry]

Do you ever feel like you are too much in charge of a situation? I mean a flirting situation, or taking attraction to the next step.

I feel that guys depend too much on my reactions or what they think that I am thinking. I've been told that I am slightly intimidating--I can see why, because (not to sound vain or anything like that) I'm confident with myself and I am fit.

For example, I met this guy and we are usually pretty flirty, but then yesterday I wasn't feeling particularly flirty--stressed b/c of school (didn't tell him this, but I was acting quiet)--and so he stopped being his usual (flirty) self, and proceeded to act kind of short with me.

 

Maybe he was also having a rough day, and I also know that guys need feedback from girls, so they know where they stand, but I wish that more guys were able to understand the girl's point of view? That maybe she's a little quieter today, so maybe she's having an i.e., bad day, but that doesn't mean she hates you or something. I think that's why I am so picky. I want a guy who is secure about himself, and one who can take multiple or a broad perspective on things. Someone who can or at least tries to understand me. And I think that is why I don't connect with a lot of guys, and if I do it's usually older guys.

 

What are your thoughts regarding this?

[Metalicsword]

Well, im not a big poster or anything. But I am a guy, and I can try to help you out. Maybe this guy really likes you, and he doesnt want to mess things up with you if you're in a bad mood and he makes you pissed off at him. haha. Most guys are already scared to death of attractive women. Its hard for guys to make that big plunge, and ruin things, cause they are in the "friend zone" or something. Just what I think.

[monsieur]

Yeah, you have to remember that guys are expected to be pursuers, and are rejected... women are the rejecters... so guys tend to get sensitive to signs of disinterest from a woman..... I know I get discouraged very easily if a girl becomes apparently disinterested. I figure if a girl is really interested she will be able to overcome her moods to consistently show interest in a guy.

 

An attractive girl that gives even the slightest indication of being not interested in me will scare me away in a second.

[DN]

So what you are saying is that you want a guy to be sensitive to your moods and predict how you want him to react? This is the kind of stuff that some girls do that drives men nuts. How is he supposed to know you are having a bad day and are not just mad at him about something?

 

The English language is a wonderful communication tool - why can't you just tell him you are having a bad day instead of complaining that he doesn't somehow know by instinct.

[PocoDiablo]

I know what you are talking about.

 

The problem is many "guys" would rather kiss up to you - the woman - than be themselves. They are afraid to say "Why are you being so rude to me today?" for fear of you walking out or something. They lack confidence and it comes through with their passive-aggressive behavior.

 

Me? I always tell guys to be more mature. Be gentle but be a man about it. TELL HER. If she's such a wonderful woman (as they all say ) then you should be able to speak your mind without worry that she may leave you.

 

Just last night I told my fiance that her topic of conversation was excluding me and she was boring me. Did she get mad at me? No. She changed the topic to something we could both talk about.

 

All guys have to do is be a little more take-charge. Speak your mind in a calm, cool, collected, and MATURE manner and you'll go miles.

[cranberry]

So what you are saying is that you want a guy to be sensitive to your moods and predict how you want him to react?

- why can't you just tell him you are having a bad day instead of complaining that he doesn't somehow know by instinct.

 

I don't expect guys to be mindreaders--Just that they wouldn't crumble at the slightest sign of repercussion. It bothers me that they act passive-aggressive. (Btw, DN, I'm not making an "attack" at you...I do appreciate your advice--I just wanted to comment on it).

 

I wish I had told him I was stressed out, but I could barely think as it was as: a few hours of sleep + writing papers + studying = one aloof chicka.

I know that sounds like an excuse on my part...but now I wish I had told him I was stressed out. Nuts. But I still wish he could have realized the possibility that I might not hate him, that I might have something hectic on my mind.

 

And another thing, which is going to sound like an excuse, but I couldn't really put myself up to "flirt" or whatever, b/c I wasn't sure if I liked him afterall. I think I only started to like him at first, b/c it was convenient to do so. And then I started to realize that I wasn't so much attracted to him, and I couldn't force myself. OK...I know that sounds really baad, but give me a little credit please, b/c it's hard to explain. I knew I didn't really like him, b/c I met this other guy recently and I found that I could flirt with him way easier, b/c I didn't have to think about it, or force myself--it just came natural. And I didn't have to doubt my attraction for him (like I did with the first guy).

[monsieur]

As confusing as it was, I'm actually glad you explained that stuff out like that.

 

Women drive me crazy because of exactly that kind of stuff, and it is good to see that that is the way that you think as it makes me feel a tiny bit saner in not being able to figure any of this stuff out.

 

For me it is way more straightforward, if I find a girl attractive, I will work at it making it work, none of the maybe she's attractive, no not attractive the next minute kind of stuff that women seem to put on us all the time that wreaks havoc with our confidence and emotions.

[DN]

I don't expect guys to be mind readers--Just that they wouldn't crumble at the slightest sign of repercussion. It bothers me that they act passive-aggressive

 

Why should you expect anyone to put up with 'repercussion' - not to attack you but that seems to me to be very arrogant. No one has a right to expect anyone to put up with bad behaviour no matter how attractive they perceive themselves. Maybe you are not aware that inflicting 'repercussions' on people is more likely to make you less attractive than the other way around.

 

As to passive-aggressive - it seems to me that that is exactly what you are doing.

[Miss M]

Cranberry, I think I also understand your point. If you're usually flirty, and then suddenly change... yes, maybe that's unexpected, or confusing... but why does the guy get angry? As I'm reading this, I'm getting the idea that you were feeling responsible for how the guy felt, like you were the one carrying the weight of keeping it interesting, and you felt responsible for entertaining the guy by flirting with him. And then when you didn't feel up to the task, like when you had an off day, or when you had to naturally devote herself to other things, the guy reads it as an insult to him. But maybe you would like him to just realize you're having an off day, or to at least not take it personally. Yeah, it might be better to say it out loud to avoid confusion.

 

So... this "repercussion"... how bad was it? Could you give us some more details on what you meant by that.

[cranberry]

Well, I sure as heck regret using the word "repercussion". That was a really bad choice of word, and for that I am sorry. Gee, you must think I am one big arrogant - . ?

I hope you realize that I certainly don't expect guys to put up with my "bad" behaviour, that is, if I was acting "bad"/rude. I certainly do not see my "attractiveness" as an excuse--absolutely not! You think I'm vain don't you? PLease do not think that.

That day I wasn't being rude, or mean, or anything like that. I by no means was acting like a I was just quiet (and looked like something was bothering me-->as I was thinking about the paper that was due in 3hrs, which I hadn't finished yet. Plus we weren't sure if we'd ever see each other again--I think this was the clincher).

 

I think I overanalyzed what happened that day between us waaay too much. Looking back at his behaviour, he wasn't exactly really being rude or short either. I think he was really busy that day as well.

 

Your right MissM, that is how I initially analyzed the situation. I felt responsible for him also being quiet too, and non-flirty. But I guess he was just mirroring my behaviour.

 

I think I underestimated him and jumped to conclusions too fast, b/c yesterday I ran into him unexpectantly and we had a very nice talk . (Btw, it wasn't like he was "making up" for the other day either--I think I had overanalyzed the other day too much, and saw stuff that wasn't really there. )

And also you know how I said I was doubting my attraction for him? Well if you're interested in knowing, I think I was doubting my attraction for him maybe, b/c I am afraid of getting hurt. Due to my experiences, I am very suspicious with guys, and find them hard to trust.

And also when I say "attraction" I don't mean physical attraction--I mean the non-physical part, the "clicking" part.

 

oh gee, I hope this made sense.

[Miss M]

oh gee, I hope this made sense.

Actually... it kinda does.

 

Life, relationships, attractions, communication... yes, it can definitely get a bit confusing. And most of us spend a lot of time getting it wrong.

 

I hope you can eventually get it all sorted out. Good luck.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

So what you are saying is that you want a guy to be sensitive to your moods and predict how you want him to react? This is the kind of stuff that some girls do that drives men nuts. How is he supposed to know you are having a bad day and are not just mad at him about something?

 

The English language is a wonderful communication tool - why can't you just tell him you are having a bad day instead of complaining that he doesn't somehow know by instinct.

 

I didn't get the impression she was saying that. I think she just meant more that the guys are overreacting to her natural ebb and flow.

[DN]

I didn't get the impression she was saying that. I think she just meant more that the guys are overreacting to her natural ebb and flow.

 

Ok - but then is she not over-reacting to their over-reaction? If you are on an ebb how are they supposed to know that? Again - communication is key and it is a little unfair to expect other people to sense your mood and react accordingly.

[cranberry]

Ok - but then is she not over-reacting to their over-reaction? If you are on an ebb how are they supposed to know that?

Yes I agree. I was over-reacting to his over-reaction.

I took this into consideration, and when I talked with him again, among other things, I talked about my stressful schedule.

 

But I still think I have a point as well--that sometimes (but not alll the time, I mean every once in a while it would be nice) a girl shouldn't have to verbally say something in order for a guy to understand. For example, (although this is an exaggerated example just to illustrate my point) say if a girl is ill. A girl shouldn't have to tell the guy that she is sick, he should see it in her face--i.e., paler than usual, tired eyes, etc.

 

Although I am working on the communication thing, I would also like to mention, that I am biased (that is, in not communicating everything to a guy), because I feel like I would be complaining. My dad complains a lot and it has caused me to be the extreme opposite--I tend to hold back telling others about things that might be bothering me, in risk of, I suppose, burdening them with my troubles.

[DN]

I would also like to mention, that I am biased (that is, in not communicating everything to a guy), because I feel like I would be complaining. My dad complains a lot and it has caused me to be the extreme opposite--I tend to hold back telling others about things that might be bothering me, in risk of, I suppose, burdening them with my troubles.

 

But then you get upset when he doesn't pick up the burden by himself. So what's the point of holding back?

[Miss M]

I don't know if cranberry is asking too much or not, but I do relate to the feeling of wanting others to plug in and pay attention. Yes, some things need to be said outright so there's no confusion. But sometimes when a person is interested in you... plugged into you... you shouldn't have to explain every nuance. Some things should be obvious. Seems like she's just saying she shouldn't have to explain the obvious to keep someone from getting angry at her. (And cranberry, please correct me if I've got it wrong.)

 

So, if I'm usually bubbly and flirty, and then I suddenly change, yes, the guy might get angry and think I'm playing games. Or he can assume I'm going through a stressful period and need his understanding, or need him to back off. From my perspective that doesn't seem a lot to ask because I do that for friends and acquaintenances all the time. And yes, I do that for guys. I consider the person, their history, OUR history, and I make an adjustment. Sometimes that means pulling close and plugging in, listening closely, being supportive, and sometimes that means backing off and giving space. And I can allow for another person to have her/his ups and downs without taking it personally. And if I'm doing that for others, then they should also be able to do that for me. Both of those involved in a relationship should do this for each other, even if it's just an ongoing friendly and flirty banter. And if it gets too complicated or too difficult to do that, then it's probably not a good relationship anyway. From what cranberry first wrote when she described this, it seems she felt the guy was depending on her to entertain him with her flirtations, and then when she couldn't, his first response was resentment or anger. And that doesn't seem like the most logical first response. (And cranberry, again, please tell me if this is accurate or not.)

 

But yes, I also agree that good communication is important, and if it's lacking, that needs to be also addressed and remedied.

[CluelessGuy321]

Communicate more woman >: (

 

 

It can't all be on the guy's shoulder. Theres too much expectations of guys now a days to be mind readers and pursuers and all that.

 

 

Girls need to communicate too and stop acting so entitled all the time.

Makes for bad relationships you see.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I didn't see anywhere where she said it should be all on his shoulders...(?)

[cranberry]

Perhaps I was mistaken for getting a lil upset when he didn't pick up the burden--that I was stressed out--by himself. Initially I was upset because like MissM had said, I felt like he became angry when I didn't flirt with him, and I wished that he could have plugged in more. But the next day I think he had realized that it wasn't him--I wasn't mad at him, uninterested--and that I was having a so-called bad day. I think we both felt bad for what happened. I mean we didn't fight or anything, but we both thought it was each our own fault for the awkward (or whatever you want to call it) situation. With DN's input, I realized that I did partly cause his over-reaction...but the guy got over it and so did I (I mean we both got over his over-reaction and we both got over my over-reaction).

 

PS-

It can't all be on the guy's shoulder.

No. I never said nor do I expect it to be all on the guy's shoulder.

Like Miss M said, I "plug-in" for my friends and guys when they need it, and it would be nice if my friends and guys could do the same for me.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

PS- No. I never said nor do I expect it to be all on the guy's shoulder.

Like Miss M said, I "plug-in" for my friends and guys when they need it, and it would be nice if my friends and guys could do the same for me.

 

it was clear to me you didn't mean it that way. sometimes it seems like some people are responding to completely different conversations.

[BillyJean714]

I wouldn't go to the extreme: prejudge and call you arrogant. That's not cool..Anyway, I see your point. I have my days where I just want to be quiet around my co-workers- guy or girl, people in general.

 

As human beings, we tend to be a little sensitive towards one another since we constantly interact with each another. When someone has a bad day, we take it as though somehow we may have contributed to it. When I'm not my usual self, the best thing that works is when a person asks, "Why are you so quiet today?" If they don't ask that, then just say, "Sorry, I'm kinda out of it. Kinda burned out from work and school."

 

I know how you feel. By the way, someone who's consciously aware, would consider your situation, not your disposition.

[Miss M]

BillyJean, I agree, the "arrogant" comment seemed misplaced IMO. And I agree that it could have been just as easily handled if the guy had simply asked "why are you so quiet today?" ... yeah, good communication works both ways.

 

Besides, if he was the first one to "act short" or became angry, wasn't he actually the one being arrogant? In that case, cranberry's response was actually very good and very reasonable, because she instinctively knew not to put up with his behavior, and she knew not to take responsibility for his anger. Maybe she also over-reacted, but she was definitely right to stand up for herself in this situation.

 

And then they discussed it and ironed out their misunderstandings, considered some better ways to communicate their feelings. All of that actually sounds very healthy and mature, like they used the occasion to establish some good boundaries in their relationship about what they can expect from each other. And they both used the occasion to grow up a little. Cranberry learned she can help the other person by communicating about her unexpected moods, and the guy probably learned not to jump to conclusions, not to respond with anger, not to take it personally when someone is in a quieter-than-normal mood. Instead of making negative assumptions and responding badly, maybe he can plug in, ask questions, and see what's really going on.

 

And I can think of many times in my life when I've done that exact kind of thing as cranberry. If I'm in a quieter or distracted mood, but otherwise haven't mistreated anyone, I don't deserve their anger and/or resentment, and I've often promptly gotten in their face about it. And there have been other times when I've backed down, took responsibility for the other person's anger, but it was those times when I was falling into an unhealthy relationship, subsequently ended up being emotionally abused. So yeah, it's really a good thing to exercise a little emotional muscle, to push back. And it's also a VERY MATURE thing to do as cranberry did, to stop to evaluate/gauge herself and the other person... to go back to discuss, repair and resolve the misunderstandings, to set some healthy boundaries and expectations. It's how we grow and learn about the healthy parameters of good relationships. And all of us are clumsily doing that as we go through life, including those of us who are much older.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Instead of making negative assumptions and responding badly, maybe he can plug in, ask questions, and see what's really going on.

 

yes, that's what he could have done. much better.

[DN]

don't expect guys to be mindreaders--Just that they wouldn't crumble at the slightest sign of repercussion.

 

I was the one who brought in the word 'arrogant' and it was because of this statement. As I said it seems to me to be arrogant to think anyone has the right to inflict repercussions on someone else because they are not in tune with your mood.

 

Cranberry got the point:

Well, I sure as heck regret using the word "repercussion". That was a really bad choice of word, and for that I am sorry. Gee, you must think I am one big arrogant - . ?

[Miss M]

Unless I misunderstood, it seems the "repercussion" happened because he was "acting short" and got angry because she was unexpectedly quiet and distracted. In my opinion that makes him the arrogant one, thinking her every mood had something to do with him. Unless cranberry left out part of the story, he had no justification for being short with her just because she was quiet/distracted. And if he got a bad attitude for that, cranberry was right to put him in check.