Jealousy... is there a treatment?

[adidas7fire]

I've been with my bf for over 1.5 years. Everything is great but there will be days where I get depressed. It's usually started by seeing something or reading about something to my bf from another girl. I know that my bf loves only me but I can get so jealous. I told him that I was doing everything in my power to not be jealous and for about two weeks, I was just fine. Then recently, the jealous streak came back and I'm just wanting to know if there is a way to look past something like this or if there is anything I can do to just stop being jealous all-together. Ultimately, it's going to ruin the best relationship I've ever had and thus, I want to find a way to put an end to it now.

 

How do I just convince my head (since my heart knows where he stands) that I don't need to be jealous for any reason??? If you have any ideas or good words of advice you can throw my way, please do! Thank you.

[RayKay]

Well, reading some of the things girls have said to him, or his "support" for them, I admit I would be jealous too.

 

Sometimes jealousy is not irrational - it's a gut instinct telling us something.

 

And jealousy in itself is not unhealthy...I think if I NEVER felt even a twinge of jealousy, or my partner never did, I would wonder if they even cared! Sure you can still trust them and have a bit of jealousy - but at the same time they also need to be respectful of the boundaries.

 

I think first before you start denying your jealousy, you need to see if perhaps there is something there that is warranting it and work on that, which I think in your case there IS. He for example knows how his conversations (and they aren't exactly harmless, innocent ones) make you feel....so where is his effort to work on that? If you are working on the jealousy, shouldn't he work on the respect side? If a girl says something inappropriate - shouldn't he be telling her it is, and that he loves YOU?

 

Just my experience, that you stop being jealous when you not only are secure within yourself, but where your partner also through his actions enhances the security and trust you feel within the relationship.

 

Just my $0.02

[Cooperstown]

There is nothing wrong with being jealous, it's when you get carried away that it is a problem. Most guys, myself included expect you to have atleast a slight concern about our close female friends, however, if we give you no reason not to trust us then you shouldn't have a problem with it. Jealously is only a problem when you attack someone for there completely innocent actions so the next time your jealous just think of the situation logically. He's with you for a reason, if the friend was so great wouldn't you be with her instead? The fact of the matter is he chose you to share himself with completely not them.

[eleanorrigby1]

You know Ray Kay you sound like a very intelligent person and I love reading your advice. Just wanted to say that!

 

I have to agree than an element of jealousy is okay, the fact that I had never considered myself a 'jealous person' before and yet I do now with my current boyfriend, shows me that I had never really cared before. My boyfriend was really flattered that I get jealous over him because he said "it means you care about me and are scared to lose me"

 

HOWEVER, unhealthy nasty argument causing jealousy can be bad!

 

Why are girls sending/saying nice things to him? who are these girls? and what is his response when you tell him how you feel?

 

I am two years into a degee in Psychotherapy and one of the main things we are taught at all costs is never to conceal or push down our emotions. You have to feel them to deal with them.

[heavensent]

I think you have every reason to be jealous. His actions are completely innappropriate for a guy in a relationship. I don't think it's YOU with the problem, I think it's him. Why are you blaming yourself for this? If anyone ruins this relationship, it's going to be him. You can't just tell yourself that it's you're fault and ignore that the things that he is doing are truly hurting you. Have you talked to him about this? Have you told him how him talking to other girls makes you feel? If he ignores your feelings on this matter or tells you that you are being paranoid then he doesn't truly care how you feel. He needs to take in account the way you feel and act accordingly. If you put up with it then he's always going to do it because he knows that he can. I think you need to stand your ground and follow your gut feelings. There is a reason you are feeling this way...and it's because he is in the wrong, not you.

[adidas7fire]

But do you find it odd that I can have guy friends online and talk to them but yet, when he talks to girls online.. I get jealous?! I mean, there really isn't any reason for me to jump to conclusion... I just want him to show more care for me and even sometimes be jealous of me to show that he cares about me. If we were ever to split, he wouldn't have a problem finding someone new... because it seems that every girl wants to be with him. I joke around with him by calling him a celebrity... because I feel like that a lot... when we go to shows...get-togethers... etc.

[heavensent]

If you are doing the SAME thing that he is doing then yes that is a bit odd and quite frankly, hypocritical. Do you talk to these guys in the same manor that he talks to these girls? If that's the case then you either need to get over him talking to other girls and trust that he doesn't have any other intentions or else you also need to discontinue talking to these guys. I think that this is an INSECURITY problem...are you insecure with yourself? Do you sometimes feel as if you are not good enough for him? This might be something that you need to work on within yourself because I think it goes a lot deeper than just jealousy with you boyfriend.

I am married now, and when my husband and I first me we were both on myspace as well...it caused a bit of problems with us as well so we deleted it about 2 weeks after we had gotten together. I am glad that we don't have myspace anymore..to me, it was just another dating website and no one really respected or cared if you were in a relationship. Maybe if this is coming between the two of you, you should both delete your myspace accounts.

[adidas7fire]

Heavensent, you hit it on the nail.. I don't think that I'm good enough for him. I don't know why.. but I'm doing everything I can to prove to him AND myself that I need to stop feeling that way. And yes, I think that myspace is starting to become an interference but I don't know how to bring that up to my bf. I'm willing to delete it and he says he hates it but yet enjoys getting on it too. Ugh, I don't know what to do.

[heavensent]

Okay Sweetie, you guys have been together for a year and a half and from what I gather you even live together. It's obvious that he loves YOU for who you are. He must think you are good enough for him or he wouldn't be with you. Try to gain some confidence in that and remember that there are qualities that you must have that he is looking for that other girls he has dated lacked or else he wouldn't be in a long-term relationship with you. Love has a lot feelings attached with it...it's hard sometimes to see that you need to love YOURSELF before you can allow someone else to fully love you or completely give someone else your love.

I think you really need to talk to him about deleting myspace. It is obviously creating this barrier between the two of you and that is going to cause some long-term effects if you don't tackle it now. Tell him you are willing to do it and see what he says. I know if my husband and I would have stayed on it, it would have caused some damage. But ultimately you really need to TALK TO HIM..myspace has got to go! After that, work on loving yourself and letting yourself know that he loves you too. You might what to explain to him your insecurities and tell him that for awhile you might need a little more reassurance, I'm sure he will give that to you. sometimes in relationships we feel a bit vulnerable and reassurance from our partner about how beautiful we are or how lucky they are to have us really helps us regain our security withint the relationship.

My husband is incredibly GORGEOUS...He gets a lot of attention from girls and sometimes it's crossed my mind that he could do a lot better than me..but his constand reminder about how beautiful he thinks I am even when I've been in bed all day and haven't showered, reminds me that he loves me for a lot more than my outer appearance and NO GIRL can compete with that.

[adidas7fire]

yes, we live together and bought a house together so that should mean something, right? The only thing about us deleting myspace is that we work together on the site that he runs and most of the bands have a myspace. Well, it order to get flyers and pictures from them on myspace, you have to have a login. so that's the reason why I can't really ask to delete it, you know? Ugh, loophole always somewhere. But we have talked about my insecurities and it's gotten us into fights because it's me that the insecure one... he's totally into me and tells me day in and day out that i'm the only one for him... but my head just doesn't hear it. I guess as I sit back and watch our friends and family get married (even those younger than us!!), I want that and won't be completely fulfilled with our relationship until that happens. It's something that means a lot to me and doesn't only show our love to one another but to others. Is that stupid of me to think??

[heavensent]

Have you talked to him about Marriage? Right now you are well on your way to a common-law marriage but I know exactly what you mean about wanting a solid commitment. I felt the same way, but I will tell you this much - it doesn't change ANYTHING!!! This is all something that is coming from somewhere else..perhaps something that happened when you were a child. I have some trust problems and anxiety and am currently taking Lexapro for these problems because I got really controlling with my husband and I wouldn't even let him go out to eat without me because I was afraid of him looking at the waitress or her hitting on him because he's so good looking. I have been working a lot on these problems and the pills have helped my obsessive worrying calm down..although I do need constant reassurance from him and I have seen a hypno-therapist a few times to try to find the root of the problem. Maybe that's what you need to do...and make sure you keep communicating your problem with your boyfriend. communication is KEY. You don't realize it but your insecurities hurt YOU just as much as they hurt HIM. Take some action now because getting married WILL NOT make it go away.

[adidas7fire]

Yeah, I know. My ex-bf cheated on me and it started with emails and that's where my trust levels are in questions. I just don't want to have re-surfaced because it destroyed who I was... and I can't find myself anymore... I just think about that and it messed me up mentally and my heart is constantly wondering if it will happen again.. even with someone new. The net is great but at the same time, I hate it for the opportunities is has.

[heavensent]

Wow, you have a very similar situation to me. My ex-bf also cheated on me. I walked in on him in bed with his ex girlfriend. It was the most horrible eye-opening experience for me. I was not really in love with him but I did feel a whole new level of betrayal that I never felt before. Now I hold my husband responsible for his mistake...because I never kept track of my ex or controlled where he could go, checked his phone bills etc...I convinced myself that's why he cheated. Truth is, if a guy wants to cheat he is going to cheat no matter how much we control them. I always check up on my husband and check his phone bill and emails and it gets really exhausting feeling like I need to keep tabs on him all the time. I don't do these things behind his back and he has nothing to hide so he doesn't get upset...but at the same time I know it makes him feel horrible because when you are constantly not trusted it can ware on you...especially if you know you are doing nothing wrong. Eventually it will just push him away. I love him so much and I know he loves me to so I have been busting my little butt off to grab control of this.

Do you ever constantly worry about what he's doing when you're not with him? Do you check up on him a lot? Do you jump to conclusions or accuse him of things at the drop of a hat? Do you get insecure and jealous if pretty girls are around when you go out? Does it bother you if he happens to see (not look..but SEE) a picture of a girl naked or a girl naked on TV or a movie? These are all things that I do and if you do the same, I might be able to give you some insight on things that might help you the way that they've been helping me. I'm not completely trusting or secure yet, but I'm well on my way and have complete confidence that I will get there.

[DN]

What does he say about you being jealous. Does he understand at all?

 

And would he be willing to work with you on this problem - if you approached him the right way about it?

[adidas7fire]

Yes, heavensent.. I feel a lot of those same things. It's ridiculous and I am trying my best to change. I will go weeks with everything the way I want, no worrying, completely trusting, and then one email or a glance of some random chick's msypace... and it's right back down where I began. Ugh, how do I get rid of this???

 

And DN, he says that I shouldn't be jealous. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would be. He wouldn't have bought a house with me if he wasn't 100% sure of loving me. He thinks I overreact sometimes and I'm sure I do.. but who doesn't?? Like I told him, I trust him ... just not them. But he doesn't seem to think that is a valid excuse. And he says that I shouldn't hold anything that my ex did to me against him.... because they are two totally different people. But he has no idea how much that REALLY devastated my trust and confidence in people in general... especially guys.

[heavensent]

I think you need to see a psychiatrist..they will try to help you with some techniques to overcome this. Also, every time you start to worry, close your eyes and remember everything that you two have together..why in the world would he risk that by being unfaithful? I'm sure that if you love him this much he must has a stronger character than that. It's easier said then done but over time it gets easier. If you find that you get shaky and severe obsessivness over this then consider medication. I have only been taking Lexapro for a little over 2 weeks now so I can't really vouge for it yet, but I'll let you know how it goes. It's supposed to take it's full effect withint 3-4 weeks. All you will do is push him away by this....trust is a main foundation of a relationship, and although you don't feel like it's a trust issue..it really is. It's not your fault but it is yours to control...once you get it under control the next time something sparks it you need to stay calm and be rational. I still think that myspace needs to go. He can put a block on it to where no one can add him or email him...tell him to take all of his pictures off. If he needs it for work he can have a bare profile with no friends (BUT YOU).

[DN]

Well you know that if you say you trust him but don't trust them - that that is the same as not trusting him?

 

I think this is something that you can ask him to help you with rather than letting it become a contentious issue between you. You need to reduce your jealousy level - he needs to be more understanding and patient with you as you go through the process.

 

So - here's a question for you. What circumstances make you jealous? What actually happens to push that particular button?

[adidas7fire]

Thank you for all your inputs. Yes, deep down, it may be a trust issue and yes, I need to work on it. Wish it could come by a wave of a magic wand but I'll deal with it. And with myspace... he doesn't have any pictures of him, per se... they are of him in halloween costumes where you can't see who he is... but everyone knows the name. But i'll run the idea about certain blocking measures... but he doesn't feel it as a threat at all... so I doubt he'll do anything.

[heavensent]

Well, he may not see it as a threat but YOU do and it bothers YOU so thereforeeee he should do something about it to make YOU feel better. That's what you do in relationships. compromise to make the other person feel a little bit better. He needs to take your feelings into consideration EVEN if he doesn't understand why you feel that way or think you have a reason to.