We are back together but I still feel off...

[Bostich]

Well, an update.

 

( )

 

I did end up seeing my boyfriend this past weekend and for the most part it went much better than I could have planned. He asked me to come over to talk because he heard from friends I was having a hard week (he even paid for my cab there).

 

After talking about everything that has been happening between us we decided that we were not going to break up. I think what really helped him was my apology and hearing about all of the things I am learning in therapy. He said he is still skeptical but feels more optimistic about things than he did last week. He mentioned that for the first time he sensed in me not only the desire to change but could see that I am actually beginning to understand what I need to do to change. Ultimately though, he said actions were key and that this would be revealed in time.

 

I agreed and said I needed more time to myself to work on my issues of fear and trust so I could be a more loving person to myself and to my relationships.

 

Here is the problem: I do believe and understand in the power of time. Yet at the same time, it hurts that he does not want to see me in the same way he used to. We used to see each other everyday, and now its 2-3 times a week. I know I need to be more self-reliant but I guess the fact that he does not want to see me as much only intensifies the fact that he is not as happy/excited about the relationship as he used to be.

 

He says that given what has happened, it is going to take time for him to fully trust me and be completely excited and vulnerable about things. I guess in my head I feel like if he isnt seeing me as much as he used to, he is just getting used to a life without me.

 

A few questions: Will time apart (or less time together) really help build our strength and spark back? What can I do to not let this relationship have so much power over my moods?

 

I know he loves me but I also know because of our dischord, he has been able to step back a little and see what will happen in the future. Why cant I do this?

 

As well, he thinks now is the time to stop talking and talking and questioning thiings. He instead feels like it has been discussed and we need to show each other the changes and differences. And that talking about them just wears on him and our relationship becomes nothing about a big discussion about what's happening, what is going to happen, what he/I feels, etc.

 

Do you think overtalking and overanalyzing can harm a realtionship? I just have such a hard time letting go and want to know what he is feeling all of the time it seems. Is this healthy? Probably not...

[DN]

A few questions: Will time apart (or less time together) really help build our strength and spark back? What can I do to not let this relationship have so much power over my moods?

It will help if you allow it to. The way to let that happen is to find other and independent interests of your own to occupy your time and your mind.

 

I know he loves me but I also know because of our dischord, he has been able to step back a little and see what will happen in the future. Why cant I do this?

 

See above - you are too involved with him and the relationship and are not balanced in the rest of your life.

 

As well, he thinks now is the time to stop talking and talking and questioning thiings. He instead feels like it has been discussed and we need to show each other the changes and differences. And that talking about them just wears on him and our relationship becomes nothing about a big discussion about what's happening, what is going to happen, what he/I feels, etc.

 

Do you think overtalking and overanalyzing can harm a realtionship? I just have such a hard time letting go and want to know what he is feeling all of the time it seems. Is this healthy? Probably not...

It's not healthy - once you have talked an issue out and come to an agreement - let it go or you become clingy, dependent and boring!!

[Bostich]

Thanks DN,

 

In my mind I completely see what I need to do and it all makes perfect sense to me. However, I am still learning how to take those thoughts and use them to break my emotional patterns. I suppose I need to get used to feeling uncomfortable about things until they become natural.

 

Therapy helps a lot and I hope in time I dont find so much of my worth through a relationship.

 

But is it wrong to want to see him all of the time? I have read so many other posts where people mention they are with their significant other the majority of the time.

 

I suppose I need to keep in mind though that we are just coming out of a conflict and it will take time to build back what we once were. It's just hard because it used to come so easy.

[DN]

I have been married many years - I doubt the marriage would have lasted had we been with each other all the time. No one is that interesting!!

[Bostich]

Your last post made me chuckle DN, thank you. And you are right, if you see anyone too much you run the risk of getting bored and dependent.

 

I just wish his desire was a bit stronger but I know that he feels less trustworthy of me right now. Hopefully, as time continues this will change and he will feel more and more comfortable.

 

And in the meantime, I have to stop worrying so much about it.

[Demond34]

I have been married many years - I doubt the marriage would have lasted had we been with each other all the time. No one is that interesting!![/quote]

 

classic......so simple, so true

[zpivat]

I am glad that you guys didn't break up. What you did wrecked his privacy, but I think he'd be so silly if he broke up just because of that..........it's not worth it, seriously.

[Bostich]

Thanks zpivat, I am really glad we did not break up either. Admittedly, that was not the only problem we had. I guess you could say it was the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

 

I think he is giving it another shot because he sees how committed I am to changing. He also sees how all of my problems really led back to the same issue. And of course, he can admit that I am not to blame entirely.

 

Having said that, I just cant focus so much on the relationship and what he is or is not feeling right now. I understand he is hurt and apprehensive and as a result really isnt as present as I would like. He is my boyfriend, we communicate and do see each other at times and if I need him I know he'll be there.

 

However, because he is still angry and distrustful I think he is more concerned with himself and other things than this relationship for the time being. I hope that in time this will change. And really, given the situation, time is what he needs most. I will continue to be myself while still providing space and hope that works out for us.

 

I mean, he is at the point where he is definitely doing nice things for me. For instance, he just bought me something. But at the same time he cannot accept a compliment or a thank you for it. You know that feeling when you care about someone and you want to do something nice for them but you still feel they did you wrong so there is a part of you that does not want to acknowledge their goodwill towards you? Well, he there. It's hard but at least he's there. A week ago I was lucky to even get a hello.

[yeawutever]

Good to hear that he didn't break up over that minor incident, that would have been very stupid in his part. As for regaining the spark, well try focusing on your other priorities besides him. I mean don't you do other activities when you don't get to see him, exercise, etc.? Cuz constantly seeing one another eveyday gets to a point where it gets boring.

[Bostich]

The whole giving space thing is what I am struggling with the most actually. I started a new thread about it too:

 

 

I feel like space will do us good but I am also realizing how needy I am. I really start to freak out if I havent heard from him in a day and I know this is not healthy. I should just trust that we are together and if a day passes without contact, not freak out about it.