2 teenagers and over 16 yrs. of marriage

[ballerina]

My husband of 16 yrs. started giong on business trips 2 yrs ago. On the first one he met a woman in Asia. He started text messaging. I found out after a few months (didn't see the contents of the messages). He denied it was romance. We went to counseling. In a moment of anger I said I wanted a divorce, but I didn't take actions and wanted to talk the next day. He said he wasn't ready. During counseling I let him know that I had an emotional affair 6 yrs. ago.

 

After the counseling I thought things were fine. He went on other trips during the last 2 yrs, to more exotic places, Hong Kong, South America. Now he went again to Asia, he came back to tell me that he is in love and had sex with the same woman of 2 yrs ago. He had kept contact with her while I thought things were fine. She was married and her husband beats her so he helped her go through that and now she is divorced. She has 2 children.

 

He says that I am angry and depessed. He can't live with me anymore even though he loves me. He blames me for my emotional affair. He says that I wanted a divorce and he wasn't ready but he is ready now.

During our years of marriage, I have been sad and lonely since he has been absent emotionally. We did have some fun though.

We have 2 teenage kids that we both love. He had been a good father and provider, intelectually compatible and a good sex partner. Apart from his anger bursts and emotional disconnection with me.

I felt that he was emotionally gone shortly before his trip 2 years ago.

 

I left the bedroom, he moved out of the house. He is now on a business trip for 2 weeks. He didn't tell me and the kids where he is. I am dealing with the kids on my own. He kept the financial support. He says, among other things that he wants his cake and eat it too.

I am preparing my divorce papers and that is very hard emotionally.

 

I do love him but I avoided telling him during these crisis, because he seems not to care and I would feel humiliated when he is telling me that he is in love with another woman.

He had been hanging out at a place in the neighborhood with single adults (some women looking for men) for the last ten years. When I mentioned that I thought one of them is stepping on my territory and will end up in bed with him, he replied, that would be nice and smiled.

 

He is in his early forties, and feeling bad that he doesn't know how to deal with women and bring them to bed sooner than 2 year. So he is looking for experience and finding himself. These are his words. He said he is going to sleep with women since we can't have sex together any more.

I don't know what happens in Asia and how he changed like that. It is Midlife Crisis but whatever it is, it is happening and I am suffering.

I don't bellieve all what he says now. In the past he had been honest or so I thought. We told each other almost everything. Now he turned into someone I don't recognize. He goes into emtional breakdown when he talks to me about separating but he seems determined that this is the best solution for us right now.

 

I metioned to him now that I met a guy and he might want to have sex with me, his reply was, do you want to hurt me? Use some logic. Yet, I wasn't able to point to him that he isn't using logic because any statement from me with "you" will drive him off.

He said he wants to be happy and take care of himself. I guess his first step is to get rid of me.

 

I am cofused about his real intentions. Is he leaving because he wants to sleep with other women? Or is he leaving because he can't live with me? Our friends are shocked, we weren't miserable and we clearly loved each other.

 

Any thoughts to share are appreciated.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time right now, but I must say, based on what you wrote here- I think you are doing the right thing by getting a divorce. You should not have to tolerate that kind of cheating behavior from him.

 

Here's a topic that was recently posted by the husband in a similar situation, from his perspective:

 

 

 

It seems like both of you are not getting what you need emotionally from this marriage. It seems like you tried your best to make it work, but ultimately you are better off going your separate ways.

 

You deserve happiness,

 

 

BellaDonna

[ballerina]

BellaDonna, Thanks for the link. It was useful to know that the 48 yr. old guy had an affair 10 yrs. ago and when his wife took him back and forgave him, he is cheating again. So even if it works out for me this time and my husband stays, he is hooked or addicted to a pattern that he will not change, since he will keep going on his trips because of his job. Some sources tell me that forgiveness will bring true love. He tells me that I lack compassion and understanding. Just as the 48 yr. old man he says that he can talk to her about "everything" and he is afraid of talking to me because of my anger.

I wonder what that "everything" is?

[kadvati79]

These kind of posts really make my own problems seem insignificant. Wow. Unbelievable. Where the HECK do you get your strength from? Two kids? Now this? You must be wonderwoman!

 

I think your husband is in a really bad place emotionally, speaking from my own personal experience (albeit of a limited time duration) with sex addiction, which nearly destroyed me, in the end this kind of sex/love addiction that he may well have all stems from the use of "fantasy" or "intrigue" to detach from one's real life which isn't going so well.

 

When we travel, we get to detach from the real world. He has created some real demons in his mind around all this. The guilt does not get less with time (well thats what i found anyway) and eventually things catch up with you years later.

 

I think he just isn't coping and this "fantasy" is the only think he can use to escape and not face up to the fact he loves you, he hurts you, and maybe in his mind he doesn't deserve you.

 

Even if all that is true, I guess it doesn't really help you at all though.

 

Wow, i'm still amazed at your strenght...

[ballerina]

icemotoboy, thank you for your support. That is an encouraging and enlightening note. I ignored to mention that I also work full time and make 35% of the houseold income. I look great as a few men and women told me.

Kids are well, house is spotless (with outside help). So, with all this, I think he is just an unhappy man and he won't find happiness wherever he goes. Not until he is able to be in touch with the real life that you mentioned and stop escaping pain for the sake of excitemnet. Life is painful sometime and I get my strenght from trying to face pain and let it seep through me instead of resisting or escaping it. I find joy in taking care of my kids and my friends even in him, everything in life could be joyful if we look for joy. I also don't stop thinking, that is what survirvors do.

Glad to read that you found your way to real life after being lost

[BellaDonna]

ballerina,

 

If that is your attitude towards life, then I can guarentee you that you will live a happy life, regardless of what your husband chooses to do with his.

 

In my opinion, he is throwing his life away and I agree that with his current mentality, he will not find happiness. However you don't have to let him drag your spirit or self-worth down with him.

 

I am glad you have a strong relationship with your kids. Despite what happens, they will maintain love and respect for you, and you can count on each other. I doubt they'll be able to respect your husband if he goes through with his current plans and his infidelity. (I can tell you that with certainty, as the daugther of a cheating parent).

 

BellaDonna

[ballerina]

BellaDonna, It is easy for me to say what I believe in. However, it is VERY hard to apply it. This morning I felt strong, right now I am falling apart. However, I know the guidleines to lead my life. I am sorry you had a cheating father. One thing you might have gotten out of it, you seem to know more about men than me when I was 26 yrs. old. I am new to this site. How do you know what to read and which postings to reply to? Is there a way to filter? I would like to contribute to others too.

[melrich]

Simply reply to the posts that you think you can make a contribution to.

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Helping people here can be very therapeutic.

[07071970]

yes, this is a great website and helping people is very good karma. Ballerina, I am very sorry for your situation. Life works in mysterious ways. If it is meant to be, it will be. I would never even think about taking him back though. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Seems like a good woman like you deserves more in life in my humble estimation.