wife threatening to leave; want her to stay

[songcraft]

Hello all. I am new to this forum, and to forums in general. I've never really sought much advice on my marriage except from one or two friends, but I'm out of ideas.

 

My wife and I have been married six years. We have kids, ages 5 and almost 2. We have had a pretty rough go of things since getting together. She was pregnant with my first baby at the wedding (although this was not why we married). Our financial situation was shaky and still is. We've also endured two very complicated pregnancies, my younger daughter's chronic illness, and a double-homicide in my wife's family. To make matters worse, I was selfish and immature through most of this marriage. I freely admit that now. I was more concerned with my own freedom, living totally in the moment. I had no real plan for supporting the family, being a dad or nourishing the marriage. I am a lot wiser now and have really been working on overhauling myself in a hundred small and large ways. I now handle my share of the child care, appreciate my wife more and I'm in training to start a new career this fall, after years of dead-end jobs. I was able to buy us our first home so we finally have a nice place to live. However, in the day-to-day I still do a lot of impulsive, selfish things. My wife has become extremely critical and angry. She is afraid that my improvements are too little, too late. She feels very little love or respect for me and is considering leaving me.

 

I know that if I had started out being a better husband, we'd be doing okay today. I understand why she's angry but we need more time to work on things. We're in counseling which has been somewhat helpful. I love my wife and the kids a lot and need to make this work. I am looking for advice from those who have been the "problem" in a marriage and have tried to improve themselves. Anyone?

[SilverManic]

I haven't been marred or had these problems but I think communication is always a good start to things. Sit down and talk more, tell her how you feel ask for her feelings. Share ideas on how you can make this work better.

Good Luck,

~S.

[robowarrior]

Your marriage is hanging on a silk thread.

 

You understand that?

 

So im going to give you some advice that i got from a couple that has been married over 50 years.

 

A relationship is all about being together, but still letting eachother being able to do their own thing. Freedom within boundries so to speak. Ask yourself the question, did i marry my wife so she can make me unhappy, or did she marry me so i could make her unhappy? Of course not!@!, you are together to make eachother happy. thereforeeee only put light and love into the relationship on a continues basis. Remember small arguments can lead to BIG break ups. And all the bikering and fighting acts as droplets of darkness that spread misery and hate upon all, and ruin any good that is left in the relationship.

 

Your daughter NEEDS you, your wife NEEDS you , your (son?) NEEDS you , they say that you might need to be a boy to make a girl pregnant, but you need to be a man to support a family. You seriously need to mature and give your wife the love she needs.

 

Words without action = zero. Show you love her, put her in the sunshine, bring that love , bring that light into the relationship. FIGHT for your marriage instead against it, like you have been doing for so long.

 

Being selfish is a sin, life is a test where you will be reviewed on how much you loved and helped other people in your life. So stop messing around and give what your wife needs.

 

yes yes yes, she might go shouting and yelling at you, let her, its like a sewage pipe you broke, it will keep leaking waste until you repair it. You must act like a mechanic into fixing your relationship, and giving your children the support they need.

 

The power to do this lies in your own hands.

[southerngirl]

have you tried counseling to save it?

[bodgerandbadger]

You don't need counselling, you need to raise interest level. When you were going through your unsupportive selfish period you drove her interest level into the ground.

 

It is possible you can get her interest level back up, but if it went down enough it is also possibel you can't get it up.

 

Space is what you need, not counselling. Continue paying your child support etc and doing the chorrs, but if you are sharing a bedroom I would suggest moving into a separate bedroom, live your lives totally separately. Even treat her as if she were a stranger in the house (like you were living in different houses or something).

 

Then invite her out on a date every saturday night. That is right, start dating your wife again. Don't initiate sex, take that right out the picture. When you are on these dates be charming and funny and don't even think about touchign her. Let her do all of that as a measure of how affectionate she wants to be.

 

Do this for a period of several months and hopefully she will remember why she fell in love with you.

 

I say if she is asking for space give her 10 times more than she bargained for.