If it's the right thing to do why does it hurt?

[thegoodgirl04]

Hi everyone,

I was in a relationship for about two years, me 31 him 32 both never married. We were both unhappy more and more, and one day after a fight he said it, he didnt want to see me anymore, I had been thinking the same thing and felt relieved at first, now I feel lonley scared and afraid that I won't meet anyone like him again. I know it's for the best, he didn't make me happy and did things that pushed me away. In the first two months, he lied to me about an ex. We went to a party and never told me an ex would be there, she acted strangley to me all night no eye contact stc, a week later I wasnt around so he went on a bike ride with this person, I was angry because by that time I had figured out that she was an ex and was not telling me that she was. I finally confronted him about her and he said they were just friends and that there was nothing to worry about, but I worried about the lying, not cool. This happened two or three more times over the period of the relationship. He would hang out or talk to this girl and lie about it, then when I would find out about it he would say it's nothing to worry about she was just a friend! WHY LIE ABOUT IT THEN!!!!??? Well needless to say it brought out my insecurities and I began pushing him away, and he did the same, by the end I resented him and hated him for lieing to me. We broke up last week and were still talking, he seems to be fine going about his business like nothing happened, while I'm hurt and saddened that I have lost a good friend and companion. I talked to him last night and told him I can't talk to him or see him anymore, I felt like I was turning into his the ex that he was hanging out with, pathetic and willing to take any thing he would throw me. I am not that person! Why am I so upset? I didn't even like him so much at the end and I was starting to be attracted to others and thinking I couldn't marry him ever. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks

[shes2smart]

From what you've said here, you did the right thing. And the 'right thing' is usually not the easy, convenient thing to do or the thing that feels best in the short term. If it was, everyone would do the right thing all the time.

 

You were with this guy for 2 years, and even though it wasn't so great, it was still what you were used to. Change is difficult. But the more you become accustomed to doing new things and being without him, the easier it gets and the better you get at it.

 

Cutting off all contact with him is the right thing, IMO. It will stop you from "picking at the wound" so to speak. Besides, do you really need someone in your life who doesn't respect/value you enough to tell you the truth about something like "that person was my ex"?

 

He may look/sound like he's getting along fine, but remember, you're only seeing a very small slice of his life now. You don't know what he's like when he's in private, and you don't know what's going through his mind. You DO know every intimate detail of what you're going through because you're with yourself 24/7.

 

Stay focused on yourself, and re-builiding your life without him....and don't put up with someone who lies to you. You're around what I like to call the "freak-out" point. I watched nearly all my girlfriends go through it and I went through it myself. Basically, it's this -- if you get to be 30-ish and you haven't been married and you're still single, you freak out a little.

 

Some gals deal with it by marrying the next guy who comes along and asks. Enough time has passed for me & my friends that I've seen some of live to regret that decision...and some of them are happy with their decision. A few of us (myself included) sat through that freak-out point and stayed single (although that was around the time I got into a relationship with an alcoholic because he was pretty & interested...).

 

I didn't get married til a few weeks after my 38th birthday. Long past the time I & everyone I knew thought -- for sure -- I'd be single for the rest of my life. Well, we were all wrong. And my husband was well worth the wait.

 

Point being, you never know what life holds in store for you. Yeah, you're right...you probably won't ever meet someone like your ex...it's entirely possible you'll meet someone a million times better for you.

[thegoodgirl04]

Thank you so much, you post really helped, plus it's good to know that there is hope. Yeah I can say I am kind of feeling freaked out, especially since all of my girlfriends are either married or engaged. I just have to remember to take my time and don't put up with that crap again, it's just hard right now.