Ahhh! What does my ex want from me?

[byates5637]

my ex ended our 3 year relationship about 6 weeks ago. We have broke up a few times before and then gotten back together. I am her first love and she is my second...so it is pretty hard for us to let go.

 

Anyway, when she dumped me i played it cool, told her i unserstand, and did NC immediately for the next 3 weeks. Then she started calling alot so i thought maybe she wanted to get back together, so i agreed to hang out with her. Well based on that night we hung out she made it pretty clear that all she wanted was to be 'friends' with me, which hurt alot. So after this we kept spending time together a few times a week, talking every other day.

 

Then last weekend she came over and was a major flirt. She kept trying to wrestle me, touch me, massage me. It was great. But then two days later we hung out and she was back to the whole "i just want to be friends attitude". She asked me if i wanted to hang out the next day after she got out of class and i said ok.

 

When the time for us to hang out came around she called me and said she couldn't because she had to go help her friend move. Her excuse was true and complelty reasonable, but for some reason it made me very angry and i took it out on her over the phone. After that day i realized i had a ton of built up resentment towards her and i could not handle seeing her anymore.

 

So we dont talk for a few days. She called 3 times on thursday, i ignored it. She called the next day and i answered, i explained how i felt alot of resentment towards her and didn't think we should talk anymore. She then asked me to go to this film festival with her. I said maybe. So then she calls me back an hour later to tell me something very trivial and pointless and i told her just that. Then she called me at 1 in the morning last night and i didn't answer, but i ended up trying to call her back and she didn't asnwer. I still havn't heard back from her so it must of not been important.

 

So if this girl really doesn't want to be with me anymore, why the hell is she trying so hard to be a big part of my life? If she is just trying to use me to build her ego, that stopped last week. I'm done being nice to her.

 

I don't want to come right out and tell her to never contact me again, because i would like to keep the doors open just incase we were to ever get back together. Oh and by the way, for all of you who think it is impossible, i have been healing and moving on without doing NC. Every day that goes by i am seeing our relationship more for what it really was and less as the fantasy i had in my head the couple weeks after she left me.

[DN]

First you say this:

couldn't because she had to go help her friend move. Her excuse was true and complelty reasonable, but for some reason it made me very angry and i took it out on her over the phone. After that day i realized i had a ton of built up resentment towards her and i could not handle seeing her anymore.

but then you say this

Oh and by the way, for all of you who think it is impossible, i have been healing and moving on without doing NC. Every day that goes by i am seeing our relationship more for what it really was and less as the fantasy i had in my head the couple weeks after she left me.

 

Which seems to me to be very contradictory. Perhaps you should reconsider the idea of no contact. You need to heal properly and she needs to understand the consequences of breaking up with you.

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't want to come right out and tell her to never contact me again,

 

 

This may become necessary. You already explained to her once how you felt and that you didn't want to speak to her, but then you wavered by saying "maybe" to the film festival. The next time she calls, pick up the phone and say it again. But this time stick to your guns. You don't have to come out and say "never again," you can just say you don't want to speak to her for the "foreseeable future," because the emotions are still there and it hurts.

 

Be open and honest. Explain to her that her hot then cold behavior isn't helping things. And if you are interested in getting back together now, maybe you can come right out and ask. If she says no, then there isn't any good reason why she should continue to try and contact you while you want to be left alone.

[byates5637]

yea maybe i did contradict myself, but in a way both of those statements i made are true.

 

I said i feel alot of resentment towards her. Feeling resentment is much MUCH easier to deal with then feeling the agonizing pain i first felt when we broke up. I don't think we should hang out because i worry i am going to snap at her again. But i don't want her totally out of my life because we have been friends for about 5 years before we dated for 3.

 

It is a tough situation.

 

I think what i really need to do is start dating other people. I know of a few girls that are interested, i just havn't been able to pull myself together enough to try yet. Maybe i will call them today.

[byates5637]

This may become necessary.

 

You are absolutly right. However, i don't think it is necessary right now. I think depending on how the next couple weeks go, if i get hurt at all, then it may be nesessary

[DN]

It is not at all unusual to have contradictory feelings during a break-up. What is important is that you let your head rule your emotions for a while and do what is best for you in the long run - and holding out false hope of getting her back is not an emotion you will find useful.

 

Dating might be a good idea - providing that you don't hurt anyone by unintentionally leading her into thinking you are ready for a relationship if you are not.

[blender]

"I don't want to come right out and tell her to never contact me again, because i would like to keep the doors open just incase we were to ever get back together."

 

What you are feeling is so normal. But I have to tell you, do NOT make an declarations to her about "no contact", please try not to analyze all your feelings with her, out loud to her.. these are your private thoughts, resentments and heartaches for now.. just for now, so "feel them" and take the time to be "busy", get on with your life as if she is NOT your girlfriend at all... by this I mean, do not EXPLAIN anything to her, simply be classy and independent and NOT available. I don't mean play a game, but if you want a chance at a future with HER, then you need to have a chance at a future with YOURSELF first, and if you continue to be her "buddy/boyfriend" you will ONLY build up resentments, and she will lose "sight" of the original guy in you she fell for.. you might as well be a girlfriend at a certain point.

 

She is NOT responsible for your heart, YOU are. So for today, just for today, try not to talk to her, take care of YOU, get YOU back. Don't make any statements about how SHE should be behaving towards you, you are powerless over that, you only have control over YOU so take it, and be in control of the fact that for this week, you will be busy with your OWN life, no matter how many times she calls, no matter what she "invites" you to.. get busy and stay away.. this will FINALLY force her to SEE what life might be like without you just being "There". Ya know what I mean? She can't see the forest through the trees right now, and YOU are being the biggest tree, by being "there", get away, on your own terms, and she will see the forest.. I know this may be scary for you because you might think, what if she doesn't miss me? Well she will, I promise, and if she doesn't and you stick around out of fear of losing her completely well then you will LOSE YOURSELF.. and you will really resent her..

 

Have the couage and self respect to stay away, get busy, and let her see life without you... but dont' tell her you plan on doing this, that makes it much more difficult, just make a promise to YOURSELF and stay away for today... You will get through all this either way, and you will be okay, and you will have a loving girlfriend whether it's her or not.. you deserve to be a happy, confident, secure man, and should feel this way about yourself when you are with the one you love.

[bobo85]

I agree with blender completely.

 

Remember than no contact is for YOU.

 

-NC helps you move on faster. You have no contact with her which will be helpful to you since there is no physical reminders of her. You will only have mental reminders.

-NC allows you to work on yourself as an individual. You have been in love with this other person for such a long time you forgot how to be an individual. You came into this world as one person, you can leave this world as one person.

-NC also gives your ex a chance to see what life is like without you. She WILL miss you and she will think about you. Trust me on this. IF you constantly call her and see her...she has no time to think about you and miss you.

 

I suggest going NC for at least 30 days. If she calls dont answer. If somehow you see her walking in the streets turn the other way and dont let her see you. If she spots you first...just politely excuse yourself and say your in a hurry for something. After the 30 days...evaluate where you are. Do you still need more time for NC? If you do, go for another 15 days. Remember that you are in no condition to be friends with her. You must be over her before you can even think about being friends with her.

 

Remember to take it one day at a time. I know that NC is tough because i'm on that right now. Its only day 4 for me but what helps me is a journal. Whenever i have the urge to call her i write down what i want to say to her. I write down my feelings and thoughts. I also write down what i did that day and how many days i think it will take me to fully recover.

 

Good luck !!!!!

[GottaLetItBurn]

You said you two were friends 2 years before you had a 3 year relationship.

 

I have a question, Did she have any boyfriends in those two years before you were together?

 

This is something I am curious about.

[byates5637]

gottaletitburn -

 

she has only had 1 boyfriend besides me in her life. She dated him for a year before she dated me. She lost her virginity to him. But she basically left him for me. She left him because she had feelings for me almost the whole time they were together. So i am her 2nd boyfriend, but the only one she ever loved. She still is not looking for a new man. She told me it will probly be a year or so before she even would want to start dating new people..... Why do you ask?

 

 

blender -

 

I think your advice is dead on. I was going to call her today to find out why she called me so late last night...but after i read your post i realized i shouldn't. I'm not going to call her at all for a while. But i do still plan on answering her calls for now at least.

 

 

bobo -

 

I already did NC for 3 weeks after the breakup. I still am not over her - but i am doing ALOT better now. I am not as miserable as before. I am starting to enjoy life without her and looking forawrd to meeting new women.

 

My problem is not that i call her to much or try to persue her....my problem is that she is persuing me. She calls all the time, basically acts like i am her boyfriend sometimes...but then as soon as i try to act that way to her she always makes it clear that she just wants to be friends.

 

thanks for the advice everyone.

[GottaLetItBurn]

WOw dude that sounds like me...she dumped the guy she lost her virginity to but instead while we were still getting to know each other her ex from a long time ago came around. I guess he was from her first or second year of HS, and she was a JR.

 

Then she went back to him because he started sweating her, and no she says she is all in love on her MS.

 

Well hopefully I will get over it like the above post says, wait till I'm in a condition to be friends. It is too hard to be friends though, I haven't seen her in

8 months, and everytime she tries to be friendly I don't care to return it.

 

It too hard to act like myself around her. You are a lot stonger than me atleast..That's cool you two had 3 years together tho, things always work themselves out in the end I guess.

[bobo85]

How does it make you feel when she acts like you two are still together?

 

it probably feels good because it satisfies your ego. But when she is doing this, its just putting off the whole moving on stage.

[blender]

I hope you can find the strength and self respect to NOT even answer her calls, in your own words you stated:

 

My problem is not that i call her to much or try to persue her....my problem is that she is persuing me. She calls all the time, basically acts like i am her boyfriend sometimes...but then as soon as i try to act that way to her she always makes it clear that she just wants to be friends.

 

WHAT PART OF THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

 

"my problem is that she is persuing me".

 

Believe me she is NOT persuing YOU, you just happen to be "there". You will never know and SHE will never know if this relationship should be persued, until you go strick NO contact. Read your own words again and BELIEVE them.... the writing is on the wall, choose to ignore it if you want, but in doing so, you may ruin the real chance of a future together because you are so desperate for ANY kind of "now".

 

You can do it, you can stop returning or answering any of her calls, just try it one day at a time... please for your own self respect...

[majord23]

byates,

She is treating you like this because you are allowing her to treat you like this.

 

You are spending far too much time with her and are running the risk of being friendzoned....she is weaning herself off you mate. She broke up with you - and by doing that, she should face the prosepect of life without you - but you aren't letting that happen, you are still allowing her to enjoy your company without the commitment of being in a r/s with you. Not a bad situation for her, huh?

 

You ignore her calls...but then return them.

 

You tell her that you shouldn't spend time with her...but then she asks you out and you say 'maybe'.

 

Your words and actions aren't consistent and she knows that when you say "We can't stay in touch", that all she has to do is call you and you'll agree to meet up.

 

It's time to take a stand byates - whatever that may be - and then STICK to it.

[byates5637]

I see what your all saying and you make alot of sense. I don't want to be 'friendzoned' and i am trying to resist it. I already explained to her 2 weeks ago that a friendship would never work out because as soon as me or her starts seeing someone new we wouldn't be able to see each other anymore. She told me she is not going to see anyone new. I told her that i am looking for someone new and when i find them i don't want them to deal with my ex-girl still being in my life.

 

I know i should take a stand and go strict NC...but it is so hard. I like having her in my life.

 

My ex isn't persuing an intimate relationship with me...but she is still persuing me in other ways. She calls me pretty often. She calls at times that you wouldn't normally call a 'friend'. Late at night when she's drunk. She also calls at normal times of the day and doesn't really have anything to say. She makes up excuses to call me. When we hang out sometimes i catch her staring at me. THen there was the one day when she wouldn't stop touching me. If she didn't want to be with me...why does she still want me in her life so bad? why doesn't she want to find a new man? so confusing...

[majord23]

byates, if you told her 2 weeks ago that you couldn't be her friend, then you have to follow through on that. Stop hanging out with her and stop 'being there' for her.

 

Remove yourself from her life, even temporarily, before resuming contact from a distance.

 

I understand that her behaviour confuses you, but at the end of the day - she doesn't want to be with you. All the touching, flirting, laughing, phonecalls etc. mean NOTHING whilst she doesn't want to be with you.

 

You have told her that you are looking for someone new and that if you find someone then you won't be able to see her anymore...so, what is the one thing (short of being with you) that she can do to prevent you from moving on? CONFUSE YOU.......and that is what she is doing - she is giving you mixed signals, keeping you in the game and preventing you from moving on because she is insecure about losing you all together.

 

Yes she wants you in her life - hell, my ex cried and almost begged me to stay in hers....but, so what? Staying in her life was not in my best interests and despite being devastated that I was walking away from her, she still didn't want me back. Her wanting me in her life was ALL about her security and nothing to do with wanting me back.

 

You shared a bond that she doesn't want to completely let go of *yet*...but the time will come when she will move on mate, and you are in for a world of pain when that day arrives. (if you continue as you are)

 

Most of my exes have told me that they weren't looking for anyone else, and every one of them that said it starting seeing someone else pretty quickly. Your ex may be genuine but by saying it, she (again) keeps you around and to avoid running the risk of pushing you away.

 

If you love her and if you genuinely want her back, then your best chance is to walk away from her now. Nobody is saying that NC is easy and nobody that I know that has used it has found it easy - but we do it, we struggle through it and start to realise that it was the right thing to do.

 

I am almost 4 weeks NC now. One of the toughest things I have ever done - but now I am feeling really good. I plan on resuming contact with my ex shortly, because I know I can handle it and I know that I am strong enough not to get pulled back into the emotional turmoil that I experienced immediately after the break-up.

 

I would not be where I am without NC. I would still be hanging on her every word, looking for signs, trying to read her signals in the hope that there was something positive coming my way. Once you stop reading your ex's behaviour, and start focussing on what YOU can do to move on, the better.

 

Again byates, if you want her back - disappear from her life NOW and sort yourself out.

[byates5637]

I am almost 4 weeks NC now. One of the toughest things I have ever done - but now I am feeling really good. I plan on resuming contact with my ex shortly, because I know I can handle it and I know that I am strong enough not to get pulled back into the emotional turmoil that I experienced immediately after the break-up.

 

i Already did almost 4 weeks of NC after the breakup. Then i resumed contact because i felt stronger, and because she kept calling me and it sounded like she wanted me back. Maybe you should take your own advice and cancel those plans you are making to resume contact.

[majord23]

I wouldn't be doing it unless I felt completely ready mate. I have learnt from my own mistakes from the past, and won't be making the same ones again.

The most important thing to keep in mind when being in contact with an ex is, as I have said before, not to read anything into their behaviour unless they are asking you back. Your ex gave mixed signals that you jumped at them byates....and that's why you are where you are. Again mate, you have to be immune to her attempts to keep you around and see them for what they are - the acts of someone who is insecure, NOT someone who is seeking reconcilation.

[byates5637]

Well here is hopefully the last chapter of my ex-girlfriend saga.

 

The crap really hit the fan today. She called me again today. It seems like she can't go more then 24 hours without talking to me. I answered and she basically had nothing to say. She asked me if i still wanted to go to the film festival with her. I said "i don't know, when do you want to go"? She said "didn't you look up the movies on the internet and plan it out?" i said "why would i do that, you were the one who really wanted to go." Somehow this turned into her yelling at me so i hung up on her.

 

Feeling guilty i called her back and told her that i could go to the film festival tonight or saturday but i am busy every other night. She said she doesn't want to go tonight because she has class tomorow at 10 and she can't go on saturday because she is going away. Ok... so what the hell? i guess she really didn't want to go that bad. I started to feel like she was more interested in just knowing if i would go with her then actually going with me. So somehow we started arguing again and she hung up on me. I called back and she answered and said "I dont want to talk to you" . I said then lets never talk again and hung up.

 

By this point i was steaming mad because i did nothing to her to deserve this treatment. The only thing i did was i didn't kiss her * * * and bend to her schedule like she wanted me too. So I called her one more time and got some things off my chest. I said some extremely hurtful things to her. I told her that i must of been blind to stay with such a spoiled selfish immature bitc* for so long. I told her my new girlfriend (I dont have one, i just really wanted to hurt her like she hurt me) is a million times better then she could ever hope to be. Then i hung up the phone before she had a chance to reply.

 

But i felt like this wasn't enough so i sent two text messages that said...

 

"I hope you die heartless bitc*"

"never again will you use me to build your ego. You are all alone in this world now"

 

So she calls me back and gives me the whole why are you being mean i really want to be friends speech. I told her that everything i said to her today was not said out of anger, i meant it from the bottom of my heart. I told her that all i have done for the past year is try to make her happy, and now it is over, now it is my turn to be happy. She asks why i am being so mean. I told her i have too much self respect to be kind to her after what she has done to me. Then i hung up.

 

I sent one final text message

 

"You will never meet a man as good as me again. I wish i could see the look on your face when you truly realize what you lost"

 

That's the end. I'm assuming she will never try to call me again, and no way in hell will i ever call her again. I don't know if my actions today were in my best interest or not, but it had to be done. I had to say it. And now it is over. God it freaking hurts so bad. I still love the person she used to be to death and wish i could travel back in time....but i know it is over for good.

 

I really don't want her to remember me as some jerk who said terrible things to her. She just pushed me to this point.

[majord23]

Hey byates,

I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling mate

 

We all say things in the heat of the moment, and to be honest I think that this will end up being therapeutic for you.

 

Your ex has treated you like someone who is second best - and you know that you're not! It was inevitable that that feeling of resentment would build until something cracked.

 

I know you're upset at the moment, but hold your head up high my friend. Today, you stopped being second best - and you left her in no doubt that second best is just not good enough. She knows what you will and won't tolerate...and that is a big step forward byates, even if you don't see it now.

 

Your ex sees a man that is hurt, yes, but she also sees a man who has principles and won't compromise them for somebody else, no matter how much he cares for them.

 

I have no doubt that this is not the end of this byates, but you must be prepared. You have told her how you feel, now don't let her manipulate you back to where you were.

 

It's your way or the highway mate - she is the one who has to choose whether or not to take your route - you just keep moving forward.

 

Chin up mate, you're ok.

[byates5637]

thanks majord

 

you made me smile.

 

Because today i did stop being second best. Today i became the confident self-respecting man that i was before this whole breakup thing happened.

 

I'm looking forward to having a few weeks of NC under my belt so this whole ordeal isn't so fresh in my mind.

 

enotalone is great

 

-brandon

[majord23]

Because today i did stop being second best. Today i became the confident self-respecting man that i was before this whole breakup thing happened.

 

 

Exactly.

 

Draw a line under this episode and leave it in the past byates. You now move forward on *your* terms, and if your ex wants you then she will have to adjust to that. You have already compromised more than enough for her, and she took it for granted.....so now there's a new man in town

[byates5637]

Well 9 days went by without communication. Yesterday i was really bored and none of my friends were around. My roomates were gone for the day and i was feeling lonely. So i caved in and gave her a call. Suprisingly she was really happy i called her, and was not mad at me for the things i said to her last week. In fact, she told me she was just about to write me a letter saying she wishes we could still see each other. So we decided to go to the dog park together.

 

It was a fairly strange day. I realized that i can treat her like sh*t if i want too, I can do whatever i want and she will still be there for me. So I basically have almost all the control over our friendship now. What i say goes. I can see her whenever i want, or not see her whenever i want. It is really a nice feeling.

 

We ended up spending almost the whole day together. At one point she left to do some things, but I told her to come back at 7:30 to pick me up. She was going to come along with me to my pool tournament and watch me shoot. Sorry if the next paragraph is kind of graphic...

 

Around 7:00 i decided i wanted to pleasure myself. She showed up early. Around 7:05. She came in and asked me what i was doing, and i told her straight up. Basically she ended up finishing me off. It did take some pressure on my part to get her to do it, but i could tell she wanted to from the beggining. I just had to erode her morals a little bit.

 

I told her about a free trip i am going on to cancun this summer and how i need someone to take along. She said "Take me" I said "you are the 3600th person on my list of people to invite". Later she asked me if i will come visit her when she goes away to school next year if she pays for my expenses. I told her no. Yea i am very rude to her nowadays. And i think she likes it.

 

All night long i kept catching her staring at me when i wasn't looking. For some reason she started talking about how my shoelaces were falling apart. I told her to get me new ones and she said "Ok i will bring them to you tomorow" I told I was busy (I wasn't)

 

It is obvious this girl still cares about me so much...i don't know what the hell she is so scared about. I guess for now i am going to keep seeing her when i feel like it and see what happens. I know almost any day of the week she would hang out with me if i just asked her.

 

One problem is last week i told her a little lie about how i have a new girlfriend. Now i am stuck with this lie. And she asks soo many questions about my new girlfriend. I tell her it is not very serious, and the rest of the details are none of her business. I don't want to be a liar...but i am kind of stuck with it right now.

 

I also really don't understand why she is not interested in any other guys at all. She said she probly won't start dating anyone else for at least a year. I mean, guys hit on her all the time cuz shes a good looking outgoing girl, but she really is just not interested in any guys. I know in my heart that it will be years before she will ever find a guy that she loves as much as she loves me. And i think she knows this too.

 

Bottom line- this girl is the most confusing person i have ever met, but as long as i feel like i have this much control, i like seeing her. She told me to call her tomorow if i want to see her...and i think i will.

[newlydumped]

byate - I don't know all that much about your story, but anytime you have to pressure a girl into doing anything sexual, that is not a good thing. You say you could "tell she wanted to from the beginning." Well, most girls I know, if they really want to do something, do not need any pressure to do it.