newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 It will be three weeks today of absolutely no contact. No emails, no calls, nothing. We both had problems in the relationship- me with trust issues, and him with communication. The day after we broke up, I left a message saying 'we made a mistake, I don't want to break up, etc.' He emailed and said he still loves me as much as ever, but didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone until he figures himself out, and he thought it better not to see each other in person. I figured you can't force someone to be with you, so I let it go at that. I miss him terribly (especially on sunny days ), but I'm not sure if I should contact him to at least say hello? Is he waiting for me to make the first move, like I'm waiting for him? It wasn't a bad breakup, but it bothers me that it was pretty much just us emailing back and forth the day of the breakup, and then nothing. I was with him for 2 years- it seems we should at least see each other face to face? Is this normal? I don't want to be his friend, (it would be too hard, and I do want him in my life later down the road if possible), but I have a few things of his that were important (a ring his Dad gave him, artwork, etc.). It feels like he just split and isn't looking back. I haven't contacted him either, but it really seems silly to basically breakup in emails and then NEVER see each other again. Any advice? I really want to contact him. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 What caused you to break up. I dont know whats going on but if you havent even seen him face to face and you want him back... GO TO HIM... Tell him you love him.. See if he can look you in the face and still turn away. Life is too short, live each day like there isnt another day to say I love you. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 He said he needs to figure himself out, so let him do that. Three weeks post 2-year relationship is really short. This whole thing is still very fresh. This is crunch time. The reality of the situation has really sunk in and hit home. What are you going to do? You guys broke up for good reason I think, and have those issues been addressed and corrected in only 3 weeks? I think not... I say keep up the NC for sure. If you start "just saying hello" when you start missing him, you're only going to make things harder. Someday when this is long gone you might consider giving his important belongings back... Link to comment
xblondyx Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Hmmm toughie. On one hand you could break NC, tell him your little hello or about how you feel and everything will be fine and you'll get back together. On the other hand, you could break NC and he may not have "figured himself out" yet and may not want to get back together or talk to you (considering he hasn't broken NC either is an indication that he's not ready to talk) which would cause so much hurt on your part. It's a very tricky situation. Go with your heart. I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you do. Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 We broke up originally a year ago (he dumped me) because when I would get angry, I would just shut down, and he was easily influenced by his college friends who didn't have girlfriends. He wouldn't communicate what he was thinking, and after thinking about it for months (without telling me what he was thinking), decided that he wasn't ready to be with me. After we got back together (4 months later) I had been to counseling and had solved my anger issues, and he became really good at communicating. But I didn't really trust him, and kept thinking he would break up with me again. It made me clingy and weird, when I used to be very independent. southerngirl, if he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, I don't want to go back to him begging him to be with me. It feels like he made up his mind. He hasn't called or emailed. Should I still go to him? Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Believe me, if he figures himself out and decides he wants to be with you, he'll let you know... Contacting him is only going to make this situation more confusing and set yourself up for an emotional roller coaster ride...a ride I have taken and gotten sick from too many times... Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Short answer, no. Longer answer, no you should not break NC. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 After reading this, you definitely should stay away. This relationship was not good at all... Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 frisco, I agree with what your saying, but I feel like I'm in a crazy limbo. I want to be with him, but know that it's just not our time. Am I waiting for him to figure himself out and call me? How long should I wait? Or am I in the moving on stage? Why won't he see me face to face? I know three weeks is a short time, but these days are like extra-long-twilight-zone-60-hours-a-piece days! I feel like we're going to forget each other by not seeing each other one last time. Like my arm has been cut off in my sleep, and now it's just GONE. no proper goodbye, nothing! I don't want him to think I've forgotten him and moved on. Link to comment
xblondyx Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 yeah after reading all of that i say stick with NC! Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 Hey frisco, why do you think the relationship was bad? Maybe I just need a good analysis of it all to make me move on.... I feel like I made a mistake, and it's keeping me in limbo. Thanks blondyx, for your kind words. Is it possible he's figured things out and is waitong for me to contact him? He never liked any sort of confrontation. How do I know he's not waiting for me to contact him after feeling badly about how things ended? Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Newbie - Quickly put your arm on ice!!! Someone WILL come along who can re-attach it. And while you're doing that, wrap up the bleeding wound, I know it hurts, bite onto a belt, squeeze a friend's hand, but while you're caring for and licking your wounds, time will pass and you will be prepared when the right person with the right arm attaching skills comes along. Good luck, but don't break NC. Link to comment
xblondyx Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Is it possible he's figured things out and is waitong for me to contact him? He never liked any sort of confrontation. How do I know he's not waiting for me to contact him after feeling badly about how things ended? You can never know if he's waiting for you to contact him. If he really had figured himself out and wanted to get back together, he would get in contact i'm sure. It really is a toughie. Just go with your heart i guess, but be prepared as it may all end in tears and you may end up getting very hurt. Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 It hurts really badly to feel forgotten after two years of seeing each other every day. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 frisco, I agree with what your saying, but I feel like I'm in a crazy limbo. I want to be with him, but know that it's just not our time. Am I waiting for him to figure himself out and call me? How long should I wait? Or am I in the moving on stage? Why won't he see me face to face? I know three weeks is a short time, but these days are like extra-long-twilight-zone-60-hours-a-piece days! I feel like we're going to forget each other by not seeing each other one last time. Like my arm has been cut off in my sleep, and now it's just GONE. no proper goodbye, nothing! I don't want him to think I've forgotten him and moved on. I hear you sister. But you've got to realize what you want is to be in an unhealthy situation. You're still holding on because you are used to the situation and him. You need to get used to being away from him and the situation. The way to do that is through NC. Right now, you are not in the moving on stage, you are in the holding on stage. We've all been there. It takes time, but you need to be strong... He won't see you in person probably because this is really hard for him too. He might know the relationship was wrong for you guys (he's already broken up with you before) but seeing you would only confuse him more and pull him closer to a place he doesn't want to be, which is in a relationship with you. I've been there before... That's right, he is gone. Gone. Keep telling yourself that because it's true. He is gone. You should definitely stop thinking about him and what he's thinking and focus on yourself. Make the decision to cut this loose and do it! And whatever you do, no matter how bad it gets, how much you miss him and want to contact him, instead write what you would like to say to him here...this is a really good site with a lot of good people on it who'll help you out... Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 Lol Tareesaw, that was brilliant. You guys are right. It's just a really tough day today. I miss him. But I will stay strong with NC. Thanks everyone. I'm sure I'll be posting during a weak moment next week This is so hard. Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 quote: [He won't see you in person probably because this is really hard for him too. He might know the relationship was wrong for you guys (he's already broken up with you before) but seeing you would only confuse him more and pull him closer to a place he doesn't want to be, which is in a relationship with you. I've been there before...] Thankyou so much, I understand now. It was really bothering me, but that makes sense. you said you've been there before. Could you tell me a little more about what happened with you? Did you just stop talking to your ex? Is it in a past post I could look up? Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Thankyou so much, I understand now. It was really bothering me, but that makes sense. you said you've been there before. Could you tell me a little more about what happened with you? Did you just stop talking to your ex? Is it in a past post I could look up? Link to comment
PocoDiablo Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 ...I didn't really trust him, and kept thinking he would break up with me again. It made me clingy and weird, when I used to be very independent. After reading THAT little part I would have to say it's over. When someone breaks up instead of sticks it out, this is the kind of feelings that come up - and stay around and haunt you forever. It's a trust issue, and I feel that without explicit and implicit trust things are going to be very rocky. How about go out? It's Friday. Go to a restaurant with a bar. Sit at the bar. Talk to whoever you sit next to. Enjoy yourself. You never know who you might meet if you go out. Heck, you're in VA too, you might bump into me and my fiance! Link to comment
bobo85 Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 He says he needs time to find himself. Keep the no contact. Let him miss you and see how life is without you. If you keep calling him he's gonna run away from you. If he wants to get back together with you...he knows how to contact you. Just let him do his thing for now. If he does call you...you can make the decision of taking him back or not. In the meantime...try to keep busy. Dont wait for his phone call and move on. If he does call you in a month or two...evaluate why he wants to get back together with you. Is it because... 1) He realizes he loves you and cant live without you 2) He see's a future with you 3) He's lonely 4) He slept around with someone else and it didnt work out. If its 1 or 2...then i say get back together with him. If its 3 or 4 then i wouldnt get back together with him. He would be with you for a little while...then hurt you again. Remember..."hurt me once, shame on you...hurt me twice...shame on me" Link to comment
newbie30 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 Frisco, I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. That second thread was one of the best I've ever read- it had me tearing up. I hope you are doing better. Poco, congrats on your engagement! I was thinking of staying home, but maybe i will go out and try to meet some people. It's hard moving on when you're inside! The trust issue is huge... I never realized. This was the first person I ever loved- I thought we could work through anything. the more I think about it, the more I realize how many really selfish things he did to keep me attached to him. I need to move on. Thankyou bobo. I think I will keep that in mind. Hopefully by the time it's 1 or 2, I will have realized I'm better without him! Thanks again everyone for your time and advice. This forum has helped me tremendously. Good luck to all Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Frisco, I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. That second thread was one of the best I've ever read- it had me tearing up. I hope you are doing better. I am better, thanks for asking. The same will happen for you as well! Just follow the righteous path of NC here and let time do it's thing... Link to comment
Scout Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Based on my own experiences and what I've seen from coming to eNotalone for over two years and reading about the thousands of other break ups out there...the dumper has to be the one to realize he/she made a big mistake and do the breaking of NC for the relationship to really succeed another time around. If you break NC, he might be glad to hear you don't hate him, he might even be glad to get together with you...but I don't think he'll want to get back together. He has to have that epiphany on his own, and if he gets it at all, it will be because he tried the dating field and realized others just don't match up with you, or, he'll simply realize on his own that he misses you a great deal. In other words: I don't advise breaking NC. What usually happens is you end up getting rejected...again. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Scout is right, and what is worse, you start setting a dangerous precedent by breaking NC and essentially going back to him like this...it's like he can do whatever he wants knowing you'll be back... If he took the initiative to break it, he can take the initiative to fix it. Link to comment
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