God Help Me, I'm A Disgusting, Terrible Person.

[anonymous_presence]

I don't think it's as easy as adopting a new attitude. You've had a rough life given your childhood and your past, and as such it's come down on your to reconcile what it means to deserve pain and why pain even exists. Many people who lead lives that don't involve the same extent of pain as you've experienced don't even wonder about these things. But you have to accept the fact that there's some working in the universe that possible cannot be explained, that there's no justice in this sort of pain, and to be left to dealing with these mysteries, especially alone, is a very confusing and depressing process.

 

Not to go psychoanalytical on you, but do you feel that because you've suffered so much, you think that other people should share the burden? It's not fair at all that this depression should come upon you, and so it's only fair that this injustice be equal, and distributed evenly? When you said that you wanted your girlfriend to suffer materialistically because you think she's had an advantage in life that she doesn't appreciate enough, I got the impression that you feel like your pain should be... well, shared, I guess.

 

Get some professional help. Find one that's actually helpful, and given budget and time constraints, that's a difficult thing to do, but it's important. Until then, try to talk things out on here, in a journal, wherever. What exactly do you mean when you say you want other people to suffer? With what purpose? With the purpose of making other people experience what you have? If other people suffer, do you believe you'll be better able to relate to them and them to you? Or do you mean that you actually want it to happen? What are the repercussions of these things that you want to happen, and which of these effects give you satisfaction?

 

As emptychipbag said, thinking these things is not necessarily bad. You recognize that a car crash is a bad thing, and it's that recognition that makes all the difference.

[Tesseract_Witch]

I would often catagorize myself as one with an unusual taste for mayhem, but this is common in every human heart--no need to beat yourself up about it. If you do suffer medical conditions, then treat them knowing you are attempting to cure yourself. How can you be so villianous if you are willing to change? Only monsters do not see themselves as such--that is why they accept what they are--and continue to inflict pain without remorse. You do not impress that in the least.

[Caldus]

[Edit: Read that sentence wrong. My apologies.]

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

This made me feel very uncomfortable..

 

Because you seem to have an alarming tendency to give yourself guilt complexes about your thoughts alone. Did you have low self esteem before all this started? guilt like this is often an indicator of Depression, I agree.