BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Where do I start? Basically, I am in my first relationship, coming up to 8 months, the relationship is amazing, I am in love with the most wonderful woman ever. She is truly amazing. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I want to hold her close to me everyday until I die. I could not love her anymore than I do. However, all is not what it seems, I am not what I seem. I have horrible thoughts and wishes. I am a terrible person. If Satan existed, I would be his son on earth. You meet me in the street and you'd think i'm you're average male. But I am also the kind of person, who sees disasters on the TV and hopes they get worse. I am the kind of person who wishes pain upon people. I am a jealous person, jealous of the most stupid things. Right now, I have told my girlfriend that I am actually a terrible person, but I have not told her why, as I have here. Now she wants to know but I can't tell her that I occasionally wish she gets into a car crash because she is an ignorrant driver, or that I am jealous when ever I am not with her. I couldn't live without her, she is the one positive thing in my life, but if I tell her these things she will leave me. I want to kill myself, I want to make the world a better place by doing so but I just can't do it, I am selfish for doing so. She wants me to tell her why I am a terrible person. What do I do? Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 When did all of these negative thoughts start happening to you? Link to comment
melrich Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Hi Burninginside, You know there is actually a word to describe how you feel, "schadenfreude" it is german and I am pretty sure there is no English equivalent. However the word exists because what you describe is not that uncommon. And my guess is that if your g/f really did have a car accident you would be horrified. Sometimes these thoughts come to us as an expression of the emotions we are feeling. That does not necessarily mean that if these things happened in reality you would have the same emotions about them. Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 When did all of these negative thoughts start happening to you? I don't know, ever since the relationship begun and my eyes were opened to the fact I am a terrible person. When I met my girlfiend when was I first became a sociable individual (but i'm not really, i'd rather be alone than be with lots of people), and I really started to think about other people. Link to comment
Ordinarygirl24 Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 personally I think you sound depressed! Your not a horrible person because you want to spend your life with her. Your not a horrible person for wanting her close to you. There is nothing wrong with being a jelous person. Many men out there are jelouse type of people. Granted it isn't something a lot of women look for in a guy, but it happens. As for wishing bad things to happen that can come from depression...or maybe your just that type of person It isn't that all of an uncommon thing. Just come out and tell her...perhaps in not so many words. Def. let her know how you feel about her Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 IS there anyone you trust that you can talk to about this? YOur parents maybe? What is your relationship with them like. Alot of people are anti-social, that alone doesnt make you a bad person. What makes you think that if Satan had a son you would be him? Link to comment
Dako Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Burnig, Do you get bored and irritable easily? Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Hi Burninginside, You know there is actually a word to describe how you feel, "schadenfreude" it is german and I am pretty sure there is no English equivalent. However the word exists because what you describe is not that uncommon. And my guess is that if your g/f really did have a car accident you would be horrified. Sometimes these thoughts come to us as an expression of the emotions we are feeling. That does not necessarily mean that if these things happened in reality you would have the same emotions about them. You make a good point, I don't wish pain upon her like that, but something to make her realise, her driving could get her in much worse circumstances (e.g death) its only cause I care so much I wish that. On the flip side, her parents are in the middle of a viscious divordce, I hope dad takes everything away from her. I think i hope this because, materialistically she is lucky and she has no idea? Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Burnig, Do you get bored and irritable easily? Yes. I'm a very irritable person. I cover it up though. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 You hope she suffers from her parents divorce? Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 IS there anyone you trust that you can talk to about this? YOur parents maybe? What is your relationship with them like. Alot of people are anti-social, that alone doesnt make you a bad person. What makes you think that if Satan had a son you would be him? My mum (on her 4th husband) wouldn't understand, and would put it all down to depression and send me to the doctors. There is no one i can trust, because really, although it appears different, I have no friends. Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 You hope she suffers from her parents divorce? Materialistically more than physically/mentally. Link to comment
Dako Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I've known people with that trait of wanting to see disaster. I don't know if there's a psych term for it, but schadenfreude (dark or bad joy) is as good as any. I don't think you're a bad person, but just have some bottled up energy. I always suspected people like this aren't eager for blood, but for excitement. You can channel that into something constructive. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 My mum (on her 4th husband) wouldn't understand, and would put it all down to depression and send me to the doctors. There is no one i can trust, because really, although it appears different, I have no friends. Have you seen a doctor? I have an aunt who was married nine times and after all of that 'drama' I will say my cousins were pretty messed up because my aunt kept saying , heres your new daddy! Well, I think you could be depressed.. Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 I've known people with that trait of wanting to see disaster. I don't know if there's a psych term for it, but schadenfreude (dark or bad joy) is as good as any. I don't think you're a bad person, but just have some bottled up energy. I always suspected people like this aren't eager for blood, but for excitement. You can channel that into something constructive. Its got worse since i stopped going to the gym and obsessively bodybuilding. So you may have a point. Link to comment
Dako Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 I'd suspect the raging hormones of your age also plays a role. They sure did make me intense! Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Have you seen a doctor? I have an aunt who was married nine times and after all of that 'drama' I will say my cousins were pretty messed up because my aunt kept saying , heres your new daddy! Well, I think you could be depressed.. Its depression partly, it runs in the family. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 If it runs in the family you could have a chemical imballance. I know someone who is a 2nd cousin of mine and if she doesnt take her meds she will do things like threaten to burn the neighbors house down. It showed up in her teens.. She is bi-polar and she also is Schitzophrenic (spelling) .... This does not make her a bad person. When she is on her meds she is the nicest person there is... Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 Start exercising then Gym membership is a lot for a jobless 18 year old who also needs to buy protein and supplements too. Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 30, 2006 Author Share Posted March 30, 2006 If it runs in the family you could have a chemical imballance. I know someone who is a 2nd cousin of mine and if she doesnt take her meds she will do things like threaten to burn the neighbors house down. It showed up in her teens.. She is bi-polar and she also is Schitzophrenic (spelling) .... This does not make her a bad person. When she is on her meds she is the nicest person there is... Tis a chemical imbalance. I also suffer from mild schizophrenia, shizophrenia, extreme paranoia, am also an incredibly dependant person... Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 Go see a doctor then and tell them of your feelings before you hurt yourself or someone else. Link to comment
emptychipbag Posted March 30, 2006 Share Posted March 30, 2006 You would only be a terrible person if you did terrible things. Thinking "bad" things doesn't make anyone bad. Wishing secretly that someone would die isn't even bad. Saying "I hope you/someone else dies." IS bad. But you could think it all you want. The mind is the only place people have true freedom. There isn't any right or wrong in thought. It's all in your actions and behavior. Lets turn it around here. Lets say you constantly wished the best for everyone and that everyone would be happy and that no one would starve or be in poverty. But if you didn't give to charity or help anyone in any way, your generous thoughts alone wouldn't mean that you were a generous person. In other words,.. think whatever you want and don't feel guilty. Only feel like a horrible person if you act like a horrible person. Link to comment
BurningInside Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 ... and after that conversation our relationship has fallen apart. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 ... and after that conversation our relationship has fallen apart. What did you say to her? Link to comment
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