Good Bye mom

[southerngirl]

My mom had cancer off and on for almost 17 years. My entire life she was either going through treatments or in remission. She passed away in aug of 2005. I love her but Im also so dam angry at her. I have trouble dealing with these feelings. I get jealous when others talk about their moms i dont know how else to describe it. They seem to have good relationships. We didnt. Growing up she used to say the meanest things to me like how if i wasnt careful Id be fat..... Like when I broke up with my first love because he and me were not suited to eachother she told me that it was the biggest mistake I had ever made and that I would never find anyone like him again. I still think that it was best for me to have ended that relationship. I could go on and on about it but it wouldnt describe it all.. She was physical too and abused me... She wou ld then deny it call me a liar. This hurt, even if we were the only people discussing it she would deny it like she didnt even believe she had ripped my hair out or cut my face open with her nails or said nasty things like how I was the one that was *** in the head.

 

She was sick and I knew she was going @ the end her organs were failing and i knew that time was coming she would be gone.. I left the state i grew up in and at 26 I moved 641 miles away. Im married now, for two years this past month, my husband is so good to me but I allways have my guard up0 that ill be abused..

 

How do i put her and her memories to rest and find a way to forgive her? she never said she was sorry she never admitted she did any of this? She wasnt there for me and I was almost happy she was gone.. God that feels aweful to say.. I loved her I really did .

[Beyondthesea]

Friend, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so much guilt, because that is what I believe is plaguing you. You feel guilty about being angry with her for all the things she did and did not do for you.

 

I really believe you would benefit from talking to a grief counselor. (I've gone to counseling a fair amount in my life and actually really enjoy it!)

 

If it were myself, I would try to get my feelings down on paper. I would write out my pain and sorrow and feelings, or try writing her a letter about how angry and hurt and confused you are about everything.

 

I'm so sorry that she never asked you for forgiveness. That must have hurt you so much. There's so many stories of people being on their death beds and telling someone they are sorry or that they love them for the first time. You must feel denied that peace of mind

 

I really think seeing a counselor even for a few sessions would help you tremendously. They can help give you some techniques for dealing with your loss and will help you get some things off your chest.

 

God bless...

[zpivat]

You should pray to God and ask for your messages to be passed to mum, and tell how much you love her and that you have forgiven everything. Your mum is a mum and for sure she loves you unconditionally, and I bet right now her spirit is watching over you from above, or may be beside you, hugging you with all her love.

[southerngirl]

I did go to some sort of counseling... it was about 7 years ago. I was going through a divorce from my first husband.... He was abusive it started out as temper tantrums where he would throw things. He would say nasty things and call me names...

 

Then one day he dislocated my finger because I was trying to call my mom for help. yeah , we had our faults but she was still my mom.

 

The victims intervention that the court ordered did help. I was then a single mom for five years before I met my current husband... I had to have space so that I wouldnt find another abuser..

 

I guess im afraid to go to more counseling, dont know why. It scares me. My aunt told me that she thinks the reason my mom did what she did all that time was that she was so sick. But it wasnt my fault that she was sick! I just feel so messed up now.

 

I dont talk to many people about this I got the nerve to post this probally because none of you really know me.. I can hear my moms voice echo in my head so metimes telling me how messed up I am 'you need a head shrink your ***** up!' I think somewhere in there she must have loved me but the way she treated me, that wasnt love

[Beyondthesea]

You know, of course you're afraid to go for counseling. You said it yourself, you hear your mom telling you there's something wrong with you and you need counseling. You're afraid of validating that, it makes sense.

 

However, you know rightly that your mom's behavior wasn't normal and that she was sick. That certainly doesn't excuse her behavior towards you southerngirl.

 

Nothing you did or didn't do could possibly validate her treatment of you. You haven't done anything wrong by coming here and talking to us about it either.

 

Truly, I would go see a counselor and confess how you are feeling about everything. Taking that load off your chest might really help you move forward without the guilt and pain you are feeling. There's never anything wrong with needing someone to listen and validate your feelings.

[zpivat]

I did go to some sort of counseling... it was about 7 years ago. I was going through a divorce from my first husband.... He was abusive it started out as temper tantrums where he would throw things. He would say nasty things and call me names...

 

I'm very glad that your first husband is now a past!! I can't understand these people who would call their wife names, throw things, etc.....geez...I know for sure that when I get married someday, I'd make my wife the happiest woman in the universe!

[Cyberchick]

Southerngirl, I can relate to some of the stuff you wrote in your post. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack in 2003. I feel alot of ambivalence about it. In the last few years of his life we grew close and I loved him very much. but he was also very controlling in a lot of ways and I lived for his approval. when he died, I cried with the grief of losing him, but I also felt in some ways... free. Free to make my own choices. But I feel like I have done so much to disappoint him even today and that if he's watching me, he'd be upset. It's hard having such ambivalent feelings towards a parent. We are just supposed to love them, be grateful to them. But they are human, they do things that aren't good, they disappoint us. And we are entitled to feel angry or disappointed in them.

 

It's okay to be angry at her, it doesn't mean you didn't love her. I feel guilty that because I didn't fall apart after my dad died, that I didn't love him enough or love him at all. It's not true. Counselling is a great idea.

 

By the way I get jealous too when I hear people talk about their great relationships with their moms and dads. I have parents who love me and have given me what I need but they were not always there for me in the ways I needed them to be. When I was younger I never really had friends in school and endured alot of teasing. My mom would tell me to ignore them, act like I didn't care. What I needed her to say was that it's not my fault, that I was a good person and that it was their problem. Often, she would make it seem like it was my fault, because I didn't brush my hair, I didn't shower on some days ( it took me longer to catch on to good hygiene habits then other kids ). I think her criticism came from a good place and I understand it now but for a little girl with low self esteem, they don't need to hear that sort of logic. They just need kind words and positive affirmation, not the idea that I brought it on myself. So I've never really been good friends with my mom, and it makes me sad alot. I do relate in some ways to your situation.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you a hug to cheer you up.

[btbt]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. You sound like you are going through a lot of confusing and conflicting emotions, but this is normal. I don't think you have to doubt that your mom loved you. We've all said a harsh word to our loved ones, but it doesn't mean that we don't love them. I think counseling would definitely help. It would at least give structure to some of your feelings. I think writing things down helps a lot -- or start a blog. After my father died, I started writing some things on a blog and it really helped to kind of get my feelings "out there."