For MEN and WOMEN Are Most people unhappily married?

[miracle29]

And if so... why do you think that is?

 

What can be done to change that?

 

Why do most men take their women for granted?

 

How hard is it to tell someone they are beautiful?

[Lady Bugg]

I can only give MY estimated guess and that would be that

I think most couples are satisfied with married life ..although

I read somewhere once that married men live longer than single men...

and that single women live longer than married women. .LOL... So does that say anything about which GENDER is more satisfied??

[Dako]

When my marriage tanked, I was amazed how many people I considered happily married started confiding in me, telling me how shaky things were for them and why. I suspected they were trying to comfort me, except some aired very dirty laundry. I suspect singles and marrieds are all struggling in some way.

[Lady Bugg]

Marriage is hard...even when things are going well. I think both the single and married life has its merits.

[miracle29]

I know that i'm a woman and so I'm going to ofcourse swing towards the womens pity side...but I think a lot of men once they get married, stop appreciating what they have. They stop doing what they used to do..and they simply get comfortable and expect for the women the settle with this. Its like they are not the man they were when they started out.

 

 

I'd like to know from men, what it takes from a woman to get their man to treat her like a lady for longer then the honey moon period!

[miracle29]

Single people need to stop complaining. I promise you...you'd rather be single then stuck with someone who doesnt love you right, and you can't get out of it as easily because you have a child/children. Atleast if you are single already...you can walk out when you want without the lawyers getting involved. Of course this is for those who don't have children.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Short answer, no. Not all married couples are unhappy.

 

Long answer, not to get all scientific (cuz I can't really) but there really is something about the endorphins released during the "honeymoon" stage of all relationships that with time fades. I suppose that has something to do with couples getting increasingly unhappy and adds to the rate of divorce but...

 

...That happens to all couples, not just married ones.

 

Marriage is hard and takes work to maintain, just like any other relationship. I have a sneaking suspiscion (sp?) that most people don't realize during the euphoric part of the realtionship that someday their strong passion will lessen. You have to do things to bring it back or keep it up, and that's pretty hard sometimes.

[Dako]

Miracle, you crack me up!

Your view of men could easily be applied to women, and as far as treating her like a lady past the honeymoon, you are taking sides, aren't you?

Don't you think both partners can get lazy or too comfortable in the routine of marriage? Either one can be right or wrong.

[Lady Bugg]

Gotta agree with Dako on this one...although I get Miracles point too...

 

While women want the "honeymoon phase" to last longer..men want more of the "honey Pot"..LOL...

 

Here's an idea; Ladies stop treating your hubby like the trash man, plumber, and "honey do list guy. Compliment him, tell him he's a stud ...and stop nagging. So what if he acts 10 years old sometimes...all men are just boys at heart.

 

Guys: Stop belching and scratching, and thinking it's cute. You never did that when you dated us and it's no more romantic 6 months or 10 years later. Buy us flowers, tell us we're beautiful..not just when you hope to get "lucky". A little goes a LONG way.

[jem2]

Everyone I know whos married is unhappy. My parents had a terrible marriage- everyone in y family has a miserable marriage. I think people get bored after awhile.

I never thought about getting married at all, i never wanted it even as a child.

I dont want to get married. I'm pretty happy with variety and being single, living with someone..instead of marriage.I think alot of people feel that way.

[BillyJean714]

Based on what I observed, it does seem like there are lots of unhappily married couples - especially in cultures that place high emphasis on materialism and self-centeredness. Why don't marriages work out in these situations?

 

1. Both parties do NOT communicate effectively. (I.e. Women - who take away stress by shopping compulsively, horsing around instead of spending quality time with their mate. Men - who seclude themselves away from their spouse, who choose not to resolve problems effectively. To "avoid" dealing with issues, they distance themselves.)

 

2. Both parties' (or one party) who have the mentality that is overly, obnoxiously SELFISH. For instance, "It's always gotta be about ME, not WE... Me! Me! ME!!"

 

3. Both parties take their marriage for granted. Rather than remembering their vows, when things get tough, they divorce. They forget about what it truly means to marry/be united in a journey of life together through THICK and thin. Instead, they choose to engage in extra-marital affairs and ruin it for the ENTIRE family.

 

4. The attitudes of certain societies reflect on its own individual interpersonal relationships. I notice that there is a HUGE lack of common respect for people these days. Without respect, how are couples going to reach a middle ground in relationships? How do they compromise? They don't. It's cyclical - and becomes a never-ending series of DISRESPECT that trickles down onto the younger generations to come, who often reflect on that very same mindset.

 

Truly healthy, happy, enduring marriages require that BOTH partners have already reached a certain level of maturity, self-knowledge, self-sacrifice, and honesty. Far too often, when people are too selfish with themselves and with the people around them, that's what they'll get in return - Broken marriages.

 

It makes me sad to think that more than half of the marriages fail, and the statistics just keep growing! Sad.

[hardcharger]

i have almost 20 yrs in and we've had our troubles, most of which i blame on my wife, but the last two months have been heavenly, marriage bliss every day.

[Dako]

Caution: Cynical rant erupting....

 

Other people's marriages and statistics are so much simpler than your own marriage, where the emotional dynamics are more urgent and chaotic. Sometimes I liken this to how parents of toddlers crow about their wicked good parenting skills, but become deathly silent when they have angsty teenagers. Self-help books make a mint from mining the miseries of marriage and regurgitating them as a plan of action to save the day.

Unfortunately you still have to make decisions and compromises with your own brain without leaning on a paperback expert.

 

On a more cheerful note, I fully believe a very successful marriage can end in divorce. Not every divorce is a sign of failure, and even the most dedicated couples sometimes can't solve everything in a Dr. Phil manner.

Life is surprising.

 

Just my bitter 2 cents

[truckerbabe]

MEN: All men want to do is please women. Whether you think this or not... it's true. They pride themselves on being able to make their wife happy. If she is not happy (doesn't matter what it's about) he takes it personal and thinks he cannot provide for her. In turn, he works harder because he thinks more money will make her happy... but he still comes home to a "nagging wife" so eventually he stays at work longer or goes out with the boys and ignores her. It's hard to stay motivated when it seems everything you do won't make her happy.

 

The truth is this...

 

WOMEN: Women just want to be heard. We want to be able to rant about our day WITHOUT the men offerring a "solution" to the problem. Most of what we complain about has nothing to do with our significant others at all... we just had a bad day and need to get some things off our chest and just want the man to sit back and listen. When we complain about our job and hubby says "well why dont you just quit!" we get upset and say "You're not listening" then it turns into a fight because the man IS listening, he is just doing what guys do... solve the problem so he doesn't know why his wife is saying he doesn't listen when he is.

 

Men have to learn to sit back, DONT SAY ANYTHING and just let the woman complain. It isn't a personal attack and isn't meant for you... she just has some things on her mind she wants to talk about. Ask her questions, dont argue, just reply with "uh huh.." or "hmmm" siple answers to let her know you're listening and you sympathize. Eventually she will solve the problem while she's talking and feel better just for getting it out. When she is finished, that is when you give her a hug and let her know you understand and want her to be able to open up to you when she needs to.

 

Women have to learn to sit back and let the man do his own thing until he is ready to come out and be loving again. Men generally watch tv or read a book or go in the garage... whatever they do to take their mind off things after work to wind down from the stresses of work. Men dont like to talk about their problems... they like to sit quietly and think about them on their own. When women are poking at them saying "WHATS WRONG WHATS WRONG WHATS WRONG" men tend to snap and then a fight begins. LADIES... leave them alone, if they had a problem with you they would tell you... they need to have their space and alone time to solve their own problems and when they are ready, they will talk.

 

Men need to know they are wanted, loved and are doing a good job at providing for their women.

 

Women need to know they feel comfortable to be able to talk to their husbands without being offered a solution to the problem. We dont want a solution... we just want to rant and then it's over.

 

Communication is KEY to making a relationship work. Society is lazy... they dont want to work, they dont want to TRY and understand eachother.. and it's too damn easy these days to get a divorce.

 

If I need to get something off my chest, I begin by telling my man "I had a bad day and could really use someone to listen for 5 minutes... you dont have to say anything and I dont need a solution, I just need to talk." then he knows how long it will be, that it isn't directed towards him and that he doesn't need to do anything.

 

He sits back and listens and when it's over he hugs me and offers his help if I need it but says he knows I'm strong and can get through this.

 

When he is seemingly distant or stays late at work... I leave him alone. When he is ready to come talk, he does and he appreciates me for it because he gets to come home to a woman who is happy and will do anything for him.

 

My tips for the day... haha. Sorry for the long post.

[Dako]

He's a lucky guy. I especially like the assigned complaint time!

Do you ever run overtime on that? If so, what's his compensation?

[truckerbabe]

He's a lucky guy. I especially like the assigned complaint time!

Do you ever run overtime on that? If so, what's his compensation?

hahaha too funny. Yeah sometimes I run over the "alotted time" but I know when to stop when he starts losing interest. I think guys just need to know when you will get to the point of a story or they get bored fast. Compensation? I dunno... hmm... a massage?

 

Bottom line is we both put into the relationship what we want out of it and we both treat eachother like gold. It's the most amazing relationship I've been in... but there are a few things that we do differently, of course. It's all about who are are as individuals and we should never have to change who we are for someone.

 

I'm sure there will be days when we want to strangle eachother, but just remember the proper techniques of communication and why men & women do the things we do... and usually it works out.

[Dako]

TB

You really seem like you have a handle on things without making it an acedemic exercise or going into psychobabble. Very impressive.

My ex and I had a medium of exchange for certain occasions. If she wanted a room painted, I'd ask what's in it for me.

"The perversion of your choice" was the correct answer.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Here's an idea; Ladies stop treating your hubby like the trash man, plumber, and "honey do list guy. Compliment him, tell him he's a stud ...and stop nagging. So what if he acts 10 years old sometimes...all men are just boys at heart.

 

Is it really nagging to expect some help in care for the things you have together? Why should all of that responsiblity fall to the woman. Most women have to nag because 10 year olds don't care about anyone but themselves. Boy at heart or not, men need to act like men, that means being a part of the household and doing their share. Since most women work now it shouldn't be only for them to come home cook, clean, or care for children. It needs to be shared equally. I come from a household where my Mom works, but my father still expects dinner, bills paid and all the home repair done. He sits on the couch as soon as he gets home, thats why she nags him, because he's lazy.

[RayKay]

I think there are plenty of miserable marrieds out there.

 

I also think there are many very happily marrieds.

 

A lot of it depends I think on how well they nurtured their relationship with each other during life - lots of times when kids come along, and careers, the relationship is pushed to the back, they lose touch with one another, and lose their commonalities. I think it's important to remember why you got married, to remember to nourish and flourish together, to grow together, to take that time for one another, to be committed to working through the tough times before they get worse. It's about finding that partnership with one another. I see so many times couples whom are angry and resent one another, let it go on for months, years without working on it, until finally they just don't care anymore. And that's when it's on it's last legs...

 

I of course have never been married, but I have had both negative and positive role models of marriage, and have had some experiences seeing and experiencing myself both flourishing and floundering relationships.

[truckerbabe]

I'm not defending either side here... but a man will naturally continue wanting to do more for a woman if it PLEASES her. If she does not show appreciation or give thanks for the things he does each day, naturally who would want to keep doing things.

 

It's all a matter of appreciating what each person in the relationship does for one another.... no matter how little the task completed is.

 

My best friend once told me a man who truly loves you will always say "bless you" when you sneeze.

[Lunabelle]

This is my opinion, folks. Let's just get that clear.

 

I've been kind of eyeing this thread just to see where it all heads to, and I can no longer resist adding my "bitter two cents" as Dako likes to put it.

 

I believe most (not ALL) marriages are NOT happy unions.

 

We already know at least 50% are not, right? (because they get divorced).

 

Of the other 50%, I figure at least half of them have decided to settle for less than what they bargained for. For a variety of reasons, but it is settling none the less.

 

I believe this is because marriage as we now know it, is substantially unfair to women as a general rule. Particularly those women who were raised to believe they can have it all! Yes, you can have a career and be a mother, but to do this at the same time, and do both well, is extremely difficult.

 

I also believe many men want a wife to be exactly like their mother, yet also bring in half the income for the family. Specifically, they want someone to cook and clean and run the household for them, but they also expect this wife to hold a full-time job on top of everything else.

 

The only "successful" marriages I know of are the ones where the men have stepped out of their little cocoons and decided that it just doesn't take a vagina to do laundry, cook and clean, and care for children. That these are adult roles, not related to gender, and that it is unfair to load all these additional responsibilities onto one person.

 

The main issue I see in most marriages is the lack of personal responsibility. Either the man wants to be totally taken care of by a combination mother/wife, or the woman wants to be totally provided for financially and emotionally. If only people would take care of themselves, be responsible for themselves financially, emotionally, in all ways, and learn to do this BEFORE getting married! Then they come into a marriage as two complete people, fully independent, not carrying around a bag of "needs", and can thus embark on a life together without one person totally sucking the other one dry.....

[justlookin]

I'm not defending either side here... but a man will naturally continue wanting to do more for a woman if it PLEASES her. If she does not show appreciation or give thanks for the things he does each day, naturally who would want to keep doing things.

 

It's all a matter of appreciating what each person in the relationship does for one another.... no matter how little the task completed is.

 

My best friend once told me a man who truly loves you will always say "bless you" when you sneeze.

 

I think truckerbabe has a good insight on the way people respond to being appreciated,she has defiantly found a nugget of truth.

[BillyJean714]

The only "successful" marriages I know of are the ones where the men have stepped out of their little cocoons and decided that it just doesn't take a vagina to do laundry, cook and clean, and care for children. That these are adult roles, not related to gender, and that it is unfair to load all these additional responsibilities onto one person.

LoL. This is SO true.

 

The main issue I see in most marriages is the lack of personal responsibility.

 

If only people would take care of themselves, be responsible for themselves financially, emotionally, in all ways, and learn to do this BEFORE getting married! Then they come into a marriage as two complete people, fully independent, not carrying around a bag of "needs", and can thus embark on a life together without one person totally sucking the other one dry.....

Lunabelle, great insight!

 

I think that as "human beings" we are constantly evolving. That means, we need to find other ways to adapt to survive. If we're at a point where it takes 2 incomes to survive, then it means that BOTH sexes need to find ways to compromise.

 

I see that CarmelianButterfly's argument is right, too! That's why, I dislike the guy John Gray's book and his scripts on what people should say when arguments arise and his "Cave Theory". What he's doing is he's not demonstrating on the fact that as evolved human beings, we need better ways to communicate, to share, to love and respect each other. It's not about accepting the fact that when a man distances himself is okay and the woman should find other things to do to fill in her time when problems in the relationship arise. It's not like the problems will vanish.

 

I think this is a great time and opportunity for BOTH sexes to OPEN their eyes and truly learn from each other instead of nestling into their rigid routine of ignorance.

 

Truckerbabe has a great point in which she mentions that showing appreciation is important as well. I think BOTH sexes need to recognize this in order to truly endure in happy marriages. BOTH sexes need to find a better way to communicate, instead of penting up emotions and letting things explode. People need to learn not to bottle up emotions at an early age and effectively state what's on their mind - saves a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding for everyone, in general.

[Dako]

Even if the wuss does laundry, the wife slays dragons and life is splendid, each may be compromising their dreams to stay together forever and ever. I suspect every marriage has Things You Can't Fix. As time goes by, both people see it as the elephant in the room. Outsiders see the happy couple enjoying the perfect marriage. All are shocked when the elephant wrecks the house.

 

Of course this can never happen to smart and thoughtful married people.

Sorry to be bitter, Lunabelle.

[justlookin]

Some of the most miserable people I know are married,so I would have to be on the side that says most married people are unhappy,.90% of people who go to marriage counselying have one of two major issues(SEX or MONEY) or both.I would have to agree with lunabell and billyjean on the responsibility issue.When I was married me and my wife we're very irresponsible,especially with the money issue.When the bills started pilying up and we we're having a hard time paying them,well we started blaming each other and saying hurtful things.Once hurtful words come out of our mouths they echo around the world and inside the persons brain we said them too.So all of a sudden it is no longer about money but about the way we hurt each other.Bottom line is! I think that if we had learned to be financially responsible we never would of said those things to each other.