too young??

[indespair]

I'm 44. My b/f who's 23 just broke up our one year relationship, which up til then was going great. Of course we had our altercations, but since our relationship was always passionate, we never had a hard time making up. On the cusp of our moving in together, he all of a sudden announces that it's over, that he needs to find himself, wants to be more independent, wants to make it on his own, doesn't want the confines of a relationship, etc. We weren't just lovers...we were best friends!! This came as a complete shock to me, as I was crazy about him. He seemed crazy about me too...texting me constantly, calling me all the time, telling me he loved me...he's a very mature, very old-soul person.

I just dont' know where it went wrong...he says that he notices other girls and he feels guilty looking at them, thinking "I can't look, I have a g/f" and he's worried that the age difference may be too great...but he knew how old I was in the beginning and he always said that it didn't make any difference! That he didn't even like girls his own age bcs they were way too immature and were too into themselves.

I am totally devastated. Can't eat/sleep/work...of course, I went the begging and pleading route but that just seemed to push him away. I finally went NC and now he is calling about every other day, but we don't talk about "us" just about other things. I don't want to lose him...but is our age gap too great?? Am I living a pipe dream? Is he just freaking out about commitment? Is it fear?? How can someone just fall out of love with someone so fast?

I would dearly love to hear from others who have either managed to overcome obstacles such as this (and how) or if it just depends on the person...I would love to hear from any younger guys dating older women and how you feel about the age gap, and any women who've had similar situations where both of you managed to get past it or the problems you may have had...thanks, I'm just extremely confused and depressed right now...and desperately need advice!

[PinkBunnyRabbit]

I don't know if i'm in any place to offer my advice because i have issues of my own that may be closely related to this issue. I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 17, and hell - i'm starting to think OUR age difference is too much. The fact of the matter is that most men until they reach about 26 as far as i've noticed, have no idea what they want. No earthly idea.

 

I think that maybe, or what it sounds like is that he was convincing himself he was ready for a serious long term commitment when in reality he isn't. I'm sure you've done that, i've done that... but as women we did that alot younger then most men go through that phase.

 

Either way, begging and pleading does no good with men. I think it makes them view you as weaker, and you don't want to put yourself in a weaker position.

 

I can't tell you if you guys will get better or if you will end up not speaking to each other eventually, at all. I can tell you that your best bet is to get back into your hobbies, pursue your work, and go on with your life even if you don't feel like you can.

 

If you guys do get back together, establishing your independance may be what brings him back around. If you don't, establishing your independance and getting involved with your career and hobbies will make it easier on you.

 

Best of luck

[calgaryguy]

I once too had the " I want to be independent" "i need to find myself" talk. Basically its all a crap, in my case anyways. Its a easy way of saying Im not into you anymore. Thats what I found.

[tylercdurden2004]

Not many people really know what they want until they are 26-30.

[miniblinded2]

I'm a younger woman with an older guy, I'm not sure if my advice qualifies for anything, but I feel your pain and though I could maybe offer some help.

 

I was with a guy who was 13 years old than me and I met him when I was 23. Six years later, I "suddenly" fell out of love. In truth, things had been all wrong from the beginning. It took me quite a while to realize it, to admit I had made a mistake and to finally have the courage to call it quits.

 

Was I too young at 23? To be honest, I had NO CLUE what I wanted in life and in fact, did not have a clue what true love really was. I realize now that the reason why I "suddenly" fell out of love is because I hadn't really been in love with him in the first place. My limited life experience just made me think I was in love. I thought I knew what love was, but I know I didn't have a clue.

 

Like they say:

Love is not attachment, nor is it detachment

Love does not contain fear nor is it pleasure

 

There is beauty in love

There is freedom in love

There is understanding in love

 

I found true love... with a man who's 17 years older than me. Obviously, it wasn't an age thing that made my other age-gap relationship fail. BTW I'm 30 now.

 

I know it really, really hurts, but real with yourself, you admit you had problems in the relationship (altercations). Sure it was passionate, it was exciting, but true love is not built on drama. Problems don't usually get better, they get worse! Roller-coaster relationships are not healthy for you.

 

You're a strong independent woman... you wouldn't have gotten this far in life if you weren't! Eat bland crackers even when you're not hungry, read a book or watch TV when you can't sleep, and drag your butt back to work! You don't want to be broken-hearted and unemployed!! (PS: Don't count on disability insurance - I work in the insurance industry and broken-hearts don't make you eligible for benefits)

 

Right now you're grieving the loss of a loved one. It's normal to feel how you feel. It will get better. Try to think of things you can to give yourself a boost, to reorganise your life. Maybe it's getting a new manicure or your hair done gorgeously, exercising or renting movies, long walks in nature or read magazines or books in a small cafe. Keep a diary and write down all your thoughts. Reconnect with your friends and family. This time is about you and finding yourself again. It will get better, don't worry. And smile. Just the act of smiling has a magical way of making your feel better. Try it!

[Luvtax]

I'm a yw interested in an OM, so all I can say is (((((HUGS))))) to you!

[younger 22]

Right now you're grieving the loss of a loved one. It's normal to feel how you feel. It will get better. Try to think of things you can to give yourself a boost, to reorganise your life. Maybe it's getting a new manicure or your hair done gorgeously, exercising or renting movies, long walks in nature or read magazines or books in a small cafe. Keep a diary and write down all your thoughts. Reconnect with your friends and family. This time is about you and finding yourself again. It will get better, don't worry. And smile. Just the act of smiling has a magical way of making your feel better. Try it!

 

I agree with miniblinded, this time is for you. and things will get better soon!!!!!!

Who knows this will be a stepping stone for you to

a great and bigger things in your life.

I know, sometimes, I say to myself love is sucks and painful !!!!

but sometimes I found that it's a great teacher in life. (((((Hugs)))) to you too.