I need to cure this problem

[snoopy22]

I have a massive problem here. I am staying with my girlfriend. We are both getting along well and we tend to be spending the times outside our jobs together. Intimacy between us is also sufficient.

 

However, I have this massive over suspicious problem. When my suspicious mood takes over, I can imagine the worst scenerio over and that will end up leading me to feel even more insecure.

 

At home, my gf and me have separate PC at different location. She moved into my place later so hers was a laptop which she uses normally in the living room. After we have stayed together, I seem to notice that she is very conservative about her laptop. When she goes for her shower, she locks the screen etc. I cannot remember if this was the case right from the beginning after she moved in but she seems to be more careful with her Outlook Express email as I notice she always seem to minimise or close it when I am talking with her near her laptop.

 

All these action from her are not helping me with my over suspicious nature. There was 1-2 occasions I actually snoop into her laptop while she went to take her shower, forgetting to lock the screen. I went through the recent received and sent emails but see nothing suspicious. I also have gone through her mobile phone messages as well as received/dialed history to see who she has been communicating with. So far I have not come into anything fishy.

 

I hated myself for snooping into her stuff but everytime I started to feel insecure, I felt a strong urge to do it. My background is that this over suspicious/jealously trait is in the family (my mum's family is so) and I have one instance of a partner cheating on me with someone she had met on the internet. I knew that I have to stop on doing these or else one day the whole relationship is going to be ruined.

 

I had on occasions talked to her about her views on infidelity and she has assured that she will not do it. She thinks that it is a waste of time as it achieves nothing at the end. Also she told me that she hardly even communicate with acquaintances on the email/msn etc and all she does is basically going into internet sites/forums and read without contributing. Also she spends a lot of time on auction sites.

 

Take for example, she called up to say she is going to be late from work. If I happened to call her on her mobile and she does not pick up, my imagination will start running wild and think that she is probably meeting someone and did not want to pick up my call. It is usually not so severe in the beginning, but after a series of coincidental events, I have the tendency to relate them together and piece up my own deduction from there. After that it is like the flood gates are opened and I will be searching for traces of any proof to back up my thoughts. This will then lead to the urge to snoop and it was sometimes even to the extent that I look at the content of the waste paper baskets when I clear them.

 

Or when she goes out, I will normally want to know where she is going etc. I think she knew this aspect of my insecureness but is taking in within her stride. Also she normally shreds off papers that contain her names/addresses etc so everytime I hear the shredder at work, my mind starts to wonder what kind of evidence she was trying to destroy.

 

A bit of background of her. She was in a few relationships before me and she told me that even during bad times in a relationship, she has never strayed. She said that if she has the urge to stray, she will end the current relationship before going into next. She claims that she does not enjoy sex so much before but is enjoying it now with me due to me being more attentive to her needs. She is pretty and well mannered which makes her quite popular with the guys in her office (most of them are married there). She did tell me that some guys at work did try to invite her out for dinner/drinks but she turned them down all. She is similar to me in that we both will get jealous very easily.

 

Obviously the biggest question mark in my mind now is her laptop and her normal discipline towards it. Getting her to open up on her laptop is out of question because it would mean to have to open up my PC. I have nothing to hide except my mailbox might contained emails from past relationships so to spare the questioning, I normally do lock my screen as well when I am away from my PC.

 

I have been trying very hard to fight this demon in me as I know if I continue to snoop and one fine day when I am caught, the whole relationship will be over. However it is when the imagination takes over, things will start to get out of control as I will start to imagine the unimaginable, and I will start to probe her (by talking or by snooping) in that direction in the hope of finding something to support my fear.

 

Anyone with advise on this please share them with me. Also if anyone with views on her behvaiour on her PC I would like to hear them as well. Thanks.

[RayKay]

I have nothing to hide except my mailbox might contained emails from past relationships so to spare the questioning, I normally do lock my screen as well when I am away from my PC.

 

Maybe she feels the same way? I have to say, it's a bit of a double standard.

 

I don't know, maybe she just likes some privacy, it sounds like she has not done anything to actually break the trust. Maybe she kinda things it's uncomfortable when you lurk around trying to see her email, maybe she has emails from family that is private. Even people whom live together sometimes like their own privacy, not just for them but for their friends/family. I do think you already recognize, and I agree, that snooping will only create more distrust though.

 

Perhaps it would be a better idea to ask her about how she feels about your "distrust" and discuss what your boundaries and hers are. And restrain yourself from blaming and punishing your gf for your past experiences! Maybe even therapy might be a good idea?

 

Otherwise this snooping is really going to be toxic on the relationship...and drive her to hide things from you that really are pretty innocent, just because she already feels judged and thinks you will misread everything anyway.

[moink75]

Wow, if you have no trust in her, you have no relationship at all. Your insecure actions will only push your gf away. I know how I would feel if all of my actions were placed under a microscope and carefully examined. All you are doing is breaking the trust. You start to look like an over- bearing snoop. I have things that I do not share with others. It is not because I do not trust, it is because when the time comes, I will be the one to share the information. If you have ever watched any shows on relationships, you have to learn to trust. It does not seem that you are reacting to you gf actions, you are reactiong to skeletons in your closet. Don't judge her for your insecurities. How will you have a good enough explaination when you do get caught. You will get caught

[snoopy22]

Thanks RayKay and moink75. Both of you are right. I want to stop this madness soon and it is taking a lot of self discipline and self control.

 

Take for example yesterday evening, she called up to say that she had to finish up some work and it should take no more than half and hour. In the end, she called back some 2 hours later saying that she is just about to leave office and I should have dinner first instead of waiting for her.

 

As usual, the negative part of the mind start to play tricks again on what actually went on. And she came home not feeling too good which should be due to the work and some problems with her boss. So naturally she was not in a very reciprocal mood. At dinner she mentioned about having a department dinner on Friday and will be home late. For a normal person, all this will be taken at face value but for me, the mind starts to wander again and I had to push all my crazy thoughts aside and keep telling myself to take it at face value.

 

Financially, we are alright but I am not in a position to get professional therapy/counselling help as these sessions are not cheap. I wanted to find ways to overcome all this myself.

 

I seem to recall in the first few months of the relationship, I was pretty alright about things. Until a certain stage when I felt that my love for her has grown beyond a boundary, I started to behave in this irrational way.

 

Frankly all this has been leaving me with a lot of pain and struggle within myself. The contributors in this forum all seems to be mature people giving good advise so any advise/know-how that I can get to help me through this bad patch, I will be most appreciated.

[moink75]

I just hope that any past issues with past relationships are not the focus of this issue. Yes, we all have baggage from prior relationships, but don't judge this relation from what happened before. I am very cautious when I meet/ date new people. But I have to keep reminding myself that my new interest is HIM (my old Interest). Talk it out. Good Luck. Let me know how things go for you ok?

[bodgerandbadger]

She has given you the strongest possible indication she will never cheat on you. Even when her past relationships went bad she ended it first before doing it with anyone else. This is something only women with quality would do.

 

She willingly turned down drinks with co-workers (who were married!) for you, and didn't resent you for it. She must REALLY care about your feelings.

 

The sex is also good

 

YOU HAVE A KEEPER MY FRIEND!

 

The reason jealousy can be so destructive is because you tell yourself you think you are justified in your jelousy. You must learn to tell yourself you are being ridiculous.

 

With all these problems, you have to TALK to her. Ask her about all these things like the laptop which bother you.

 

Don't snoop! Only for the reason that it will make your jealousy worse. When you want to snoop, if you resist the temptation, trust me, it will make you feel BETTER.

 

You need to work on your self esteem, honestly.

 

If you tell her it makes you insecure that her laptop is locked it is possible she will leave it unlocked for you. IN RETURN you would have to promise not to look at it anyway. That was she shows you she has nothin to hide, and you show her that you trust her. IE a strong relationship.

 

Finally, if there is anything which will lead her to leaving you (which is what you are worried about in the first place) it is you JEALOUSY itself. Think about that.

[fishrrshortae]

I think raykay is right about the double standard, let her know she has nothing to hide from you and maybe she wont be so "secretive" either..

 

It's always a possibility that you could get cheated on but if you FOCUS on that you're going to go crazy. Maybe you could tell her your discomfort with her locking her computer, and explain to her why you feel uncomfortable about it.

[snoopy22]

Thanks to all who replied. They are definitely very helpful in my self healing process.

 

For the past few days last weeks, I have been "lying low" and putting myself through a lot of self talking and self assurance. I am beginning to loosen up more and also try not to be bothered what she does.

 

An incident on Friday evening was testing though. She attended a department dinner and came home around 10pm. Came back and she was not in the "right" mood. She was very subdued and not in the mood to talk. She said she was stressed up by the dinner as she still had to be careful with what she speaks during then; and she was not enjoying the occasion at all. Hop right into bed not long later and even for Saturday morning, she was still not the same. I initiated sex that morning and although she obliged, she was not really into the mood. Her mood only recovered after our session and she started to become her normal self again.

 

Initially I was having that uncertainty feeling coming into me. Actually affected me during the sex too but I keep telling myself to believe and to take her words at face value. My imagination would have gone wild again had I not put myself through that self recovering phase during the past few days.

 

The recovery process is not easy I have to say but I tried to convince myself that nothing is certain in life. Everyone wanted the best but this is never possible. The thing I tried to tell myself is that I just have to do my best and if in the end, thing swing against me then this is just life. Also I hope that she can see with her own eyes that being with me is sufficient and no need for her to go for other options.

 

I will keep putting myself into this frame of mindset until I can comfortably go along with my life without having things worrying me when I start to string them together.