I have a massive problem here. I am staying with my girlfriend. We are both getting along well and we tend to be spending the times outside our jobs together. Intimacy between us is also sufficient.
However, I have this massive over suspicious problem. When my suspicious mood takes over, I can imagine the worst scenerio over and that will end up leading me to feel even more insecure.
At home, my gf and me have separate PC at different location. She moved into my place later so hers was a laptop which she uses normally in the living room. After we have stayed together, I seem to notice that she is very conservative about her laptop. When she goes for her shower, she locks the screen etc. I cannot remember if this was the case right from the beginning after she moved in but she seems to be more careful with her Outlook Express email as I notice she always seem to minimise or close it when I am talking with her near her laptop.
All these action from her are not helping me with my over suspicious nature. There was 1-2 occasions I actually snoop into her laptop while she went to take her shower, forgetting to lock the screen. I went through the recent received and sent emails but see nothing suspicious. I also have gone through her mobile phone messages as well as received/dialed history to see who she has been communicating with. So far I have not come into anything fishy.
I hated myself for snooping into her stuff but everytime I started to feel insecure, I felt a strong urge to do it. My background is that this over suspicious/jealously trait is in the family (my mum's family is so) and I have one instance of a partner cheating on me with someone she had met on the internet. I knew that I have to stop on doing these or else one day the whole relationship is going to be ruined.
I had on occasions talked to her about her views on infidelity and she has assured that she will not do it. She thinks that it is a waste of time as it achieves nothing at the end. Also she told me that she hardly even communicate with acquaintances on the email/msn etc and all she does is basically going into internet sites/forums and read without contributing. Also she spends a lot of time on auction sites.
Take for example, she called up to say she is going to be late from work. If I happened to call her on her mobile and she does not pick up, my imagination will start running wild and think that she is probably meeting someone and did not want to pick up my call. It is usually not so severe in the beginning, but after a series of coincidental events, I have the tendency to relate them together and piece up my own deduction from there. After that it is like the flood gates are opened and I will be searching for traces of any proof to back up my thoughts. This will then lead to the urge to snoop and it was sometimes even to the extent that I look at the content of the waste paper baskets when I clear them.
Or when she goes out, I will normally want to know where she is going etc. I think she knew this aspect of my insecureness but is taking in within her stride. Also she normally shreds off papers that contain her names/addresses etc so everytime I hear the shredder at work, my mind starts to wonder what kind of evidence she was trying to destroy.
A bit of background of her. She was in a few relationships before me and she told me that even during bad times in a relationship, she has never strayed. She said that if she has the urge to stray, she will end the current relationship before going into next. She claims that she does not enjoy sex so much before but is enjoying it now with me due to me being more attentive to her needs. She is pretty and well mannered which makes her quite popular with the guys in her office (most of them are married there). She did tell me that some guys at work did try to invite her out for dinner/drinks but she turned them down all. She is similar to me in that we both will get jealous very easily.
Obviously the biggest question mark in my mind now is her laptop and her normal discipline towards it. Getting her to open up on her laptop is out of question because it would mean to have to open up my PC. I have nothing to hide except my mailbox might contained emails from past relationships so to spare the questioning, I normally do lock my screen as well when I am away from my PC.
I have been trying very hard to fight this demon in me as I know if I continue to snoop and one fine day when I am caught, the whole relationship will be over. However it is when the imagination takes over, things will start to get out of control as I will start to imagine the unimaginable, and I will start to probe her (by talking or by snooping) in that direction in the hope of finding something to support my fear.
Anyone with advise on this please share them with me. Also if anyone with views on her behvaiour on her PC I would like to hear them as well. Thanks.