Controlling - need help!

[miscom]

Hello all!

I need help with controlling issues. I am so hard on my b/f. He truly is a great guy/mate. We plan to be married soon, but I think I am too controlling and it is making me second guess the whole relationship. We have been together a long time and living together for almost two years. He rarely goes out with his buds, we are both busy with a business we started and our regular 9-5 jobs as well.

He works 9-5 out of home and I am in the office most of the time and go on overnights sometimes for my work.

I used to get upset when he would look at porn, because it was every day (I felt as though he was addicted) so we came to an agreement that he would get three days out of the week to "be a guy". I don't like when he masterbates to it though, and that still makes me a little angry. I know all guys do it, but I cannot understand why when we have a good sex life.

I get upset when he wants to "give someone a deal" on something they want to purchase from the business saying, "We have to make money in order to give it away" (the business just started to take off, but I don't feel as though we are in a position to gie deals just yet).

I got upset yesterday because he was supposed to compelte a 5 minute job on my car, but instead claimed he was too busy. Here he was watching porn for 1 1/2 hours. Not too busy for that though!

I need help in allowing him to be him. I need help letting go. Are there anything helpful hints as to things I can do in order to either come to terms with myself, or coming to terms with him, or coming to terms with the fact that we are not right for one another. I hate to even say that, because 95% of the time, when we are "on", we are soo good -- such a great team. But that 5%, which I know is my contgrolling, jealous behavior, is killing me. I feel so bad sometimes, when I am on the road, thinking of how hard I am on him....I would have left somone like me a long time ago.

Words of wisdom on ANY of the issues would be appreciated!

[melrich]

I think the porn issue is something that you need to establish where you want to stand on it. I can understand that you are not comfortable with it, you have to work out what you can and can't live with. My measurement would be if it is impacting on your relationship then he needs to make some compromises.

 

The thing that leaps out at me is the business relationship/personal relationship. That is a tough gig. You guys have to sit down and work out a clear demarcation between the two relationships, not let issues from one bleed into the other.

 

Ultimately I think you may be forced to ask which is the more important. Starting a business is difficult and stressful of its own without having the complication of two lovers being involved.

[miscom]

For me, it is not the business relationship that is the most important. I can only speak for me. I thought that I had let him know that the earlier subject is something I am not compfortable with as an every day occurrence, along with the fact that the "taking care of himself" bothers me. I am not sure why this is as I do it too...not like him though. Maybe -- BIG MAYBE once every two weeks. I think he lied about it too.

Allbeit I am sure no one likes to just admit to it, but to lie...

The reason I know he lied is b/c I checked Yeah -- I know -- silly me!!

There is a setting on the computer, on the video viewing software that he changes....the repeat function. In the past he told me that he woudl use that when he would "take care of himself"

 

I think that is what it is though -- the fear of being lied to, made a fool of.....

 

The business is going well. At first, it was slow going and that was stressful. he works hard at the business and sometimes I feel guilty that I can not put in as much to the business as he can. Him working from home makes this much easier for him.

 

I am not sure if I am getting more and more nervous as the time to really think about marriage rolls around or if I am just starting to really look at things differently because it is rolling around. All in all, he is a great boyfriend. There are just a few things I wish either were the case, or not the case.....

He could be a little more attentive to me. Give as much energy to this relationship as he does the business and his hobbies

Maybe I would not mind the issue of porn being a case at all....

[melrich]

Give as much energy to this relationship as he does the business and his hobbies

 

You need to clearly tell him that. It is too easy to get caught up in activities that make you lose focus on the things that are really important in your life.

 

If his watching porn is taking up too much time or impacting on your sex life or is something that is too uncomfortable for you to live with then you need to tell him that and issue some ultimatums with it.

[miscom]

That is why I am confused -

the sex life is great...not sure why he needs to masterbate and watch porn.....

Sometimes I just wish he was a little more attentive, like affectionate -- nto hang all over me, but geesh!! Throw me a bone once is a while....

Am I too hard on him?

[melrich]

If it bothers you it is an issue so you are right to raise it. I think probably you both need to work out some compromises.

[Scout]

I used to get upset when he would look at porn, because it was every day (I felt as though he was addicted) so we came to an agreement that he would get three days out of the week to "be a guy". I don't like when he masterbates to it though, and that still makes me a little angry. I know all guys do it, but I cannot understand why when we have a good sex life.

 

Actually...not all guys do watch porn, and certainly not to this extent, especially if they're living with someone. Heck, if they're even sleeping with someone. None of my boyfriends ever have, and I've gone out with some real "guy's guy" type of guys, lol.

 

I think you have a valid issue here. Now, a lot of people on eNotalone won't agree with me on this...they feel porn is normal and natural...but I don't. The porn industry is pretty sleazy for one thing. Do you know that studies show over 90% of women in porn were sexually abused as children? It's tragic they end up as mere sexual objects in their adult lives. I personally would not want my boyfriend to be getting off to these poor women, or any woman for that matter, besides myself.

 

Just don't see why he would need to, and I don't see why your fiance has the need to do so either.

 

And I think you should just admit to yourself it really bothers you, and quit thinking you're to blame for not being a hip, permissive partner or something. Because I don't see how you're ever going to just get "used to this." Much less accept it. In fact, I think it's the underlying issue that's driving much of your jealousy, anger, and resentment towards him.

[Momene]

I'd say this level of porn watching isn't normal. My wife and I might look at stuff every few days, usually together. A fair boundary would be that he can look at it while you're away. I think also if he works from home and doesn't go out with friends, he really needs to do something, even if it's only walking a dog. I don't think this amount of staying in a house is healthy.