False hope contacts from the ex SUCK out loud

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi Torchbearer,

 

Everyone is letting you know their experiences from all perspectives. It is all worth reading and thinking about as far as I am concerned.

 

My ex gf called me and we talked. She said things like "you are right, keeping your mail is my excuse just to see you", and "I have told Bruce that I need to be a parent before I can be anything else", and "don't believe anything you hear at work about me and Bruce", and "you have not been replaced", and finally "I love you and miss you".

 

Guess what? Bruce went on a bicycle ride for a week and who do you think he spent time with before he left the day after she told me all this crap?

 

So now I'm thinking the woman that I loved with all of my heart, was devoted to, is not the same person I fell in love with. Did I change her? It doesn't matter. She has changed for what ever reason and we no longer have a relationship. Yes, I do still love her, but I love the person that I fell in love with, not the person she is now. That is what is hard for me to understand.

 

So now I'm thinking will she change back? Then again, it doesn't matter. See-Saw. We all preach NC and NC is a good thing. NC only works for you. That is in my opinion is so hard about it. They will try every now and then to contact you. Sometimes they will use tricks and you will answer. Then they tell you things that you want to hear for what ever the reason. They may be serious about their love for you, they may be stringing you along. It is tough.

 

You can state your feelings (no matter what they are) with strength and confidence. Just if you do it, don't have hope that you may get back together. It may make you feel better, just remember that it is broken and there isn't really anything that you can do to fix it.

 

Best of luck!

bcuzitwasfun

[blender]

All in all, it doesn't matter after a time what someone "says" to you, you have been "educated" as to what thier words really mean to THEM not to YOU. Learn from thier 'actions" and 'false hope" is just NOT A CLASSY OR NICE thing to do to anyone. But the fact is thier words do NOT mean the same thing to them, as they do to YOU. You are worthy of a wonderful, classy, mature girl, who will mean what she says, the same way YOU do. Sometimes when our hearts are broken we "interpret meaning" into words that just simply do NOT carry the same wieght with the person saying them. Our hopes get wrapped up into any "crumb" from an ex, and we end up "defining" or "trying to see" a meaning in anything they say.. well the fact is what they are DOING is the definition of what and who they are. If someone does not make the "effort" to follow through with you after speaking to you so kindly, then this is THIER problem and says so much more about them, then it does about YOU. You're a great guy, and deserve a wonderful woman. I know you are hurting and it's sometimes easier to "hold on" to the pain and hope, it's part of denying what the ex is REALLY doing so that we delay our "acceptance" to the situation. You do NOT have to keep talking to her, you do NOT have to make an declaration to her that you have decided on No Contact. Just try it a day at a time, and see what a few weeks will bring you for YOURSELF, not in an "effort" to get a rise out of her. She is "defining" all of this "differently" than you are. You want to find someone who "speaks your same language" ya know what I mean, you DESERVE this. Here for you, because I so know what you are going through. I'm sorry a woman is acting this way towards you, but it's about HER and nothing you can do or say has any power over what she does or doesn't do, YOU do NOT cause the "negative" in her, that is HER responsibility, and I believe SHE would be acting like this right now, no matter who she had been involved with. You deserve better.

[blender]

p.s. I also know what you mean by feeling like a "drug addict" waiting for any text or contact from her. This is part of the healing process, but remember that YOU can decide what is RIGHT for you. You are in control of your decision as to 'how long" you want to do this "dance" with her. But the decision can only take place inside YOUR heart for you to know, not for HER to know. She will "sense" a difference in you, when you simply stop contact, no words you say will ever give her a "feeling". She has to "find" that feeling and the only way to see the forest through the trees, is to remove the "trees", and for right now each moment of contact you provide, is simply putting another "tree" up and she will not see the forest for awhile, and niether will you... start by one day at a time of "I'm going to do what is BEST for me today" and I think that would be to "let go" and see how you feel...yes it will be scary, but can you build a relationship by "trying to guess" on what would be the "best" thing to say to her, or what to do? Nope, love is about understanding, respect, effort, and above all "honest communication" if this does NOT exsist, know to "move on" and get better at these things for yourself. By doing this, you will be more prepared for the "ex" if they return of more "ready" for a new love along the way...

[nebbish]

torch-- lie keth to a drug addict-- you said it right there.

 

the sleeplessness when you don't hear form her-- the physcial pain-- and it is pain as much as having your wisdom teeth out. i used to think that i was the only who felt like that--

 

the good news is that unlike meth addicts you get better over time. ayou want her to change but all nc really does is give you a scab to heal under-

 

the longer porblem is that there will always be a scar like people with old wounds that hurt when the weather changes. but even that fades with time to the point that if you do try to get in contact and she pulls this stuff you dont get hurt and mopey (i dont' mean mopey in a bad sense: that;'s just what it is, been there done that) you get pissed off. believe me its a lot easier to deal with being pissed off than being hurt and mopey.

[Torchbearer]

What's strange is you guys are the only people who advocate NC. I've talked to several close friends, male and female who think it's worth a shot to see if she still has feelings, 1 or to get it out there, off my chest and be done with it.

 

Another thing that sucks is the my self esteem is really low right now. I'm a pretty good looking guy (been told I was a "9" by several girls I work with) but have a hard time approaching women, not that I'm ready to do that anyway. My ex is also extremely sexy and the best looking girl I've gone out with. So I'm sure I'll be comparing every prospect to her physically, which most aren't going to add up. I'm finding myself sexually obsessed with her now too and it's killing me.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi all,

 

I'd like to add to what blender posted...It is so true....

 

We hear words first, but see actions later. The words we hear can be what we want to hear, but later the actions speak louder than the words we heard. Actions do speak for how somebody really is, it is just too bad I seem to see them last and loudest.

 

Yes, in time I think it won't matter what my ex says. Maybe. I'm not stuck in the mud, I just wish I could get to that point. I think she knows this and I keep telling myself that she knows it. She seems to think I can be friends with her after loving her. She thinks that she loves me also and we can be friends. As far as I am concerned, it won't work that way. A classic string along case.

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[Torchbearer]

Bcuz, Sounds a lot like my ex. When we broke up she was adamant about remaining friends. I laughed sarcastically and said "friends huh", shook my head and said "sure thing". Looking back one thing I wish I'd done differently would have been to tell her that under no circumstances did I want to remain friends and that I wouldn't be contacting her to hang out.

 

So I think a big part of her calling me is a security blanket she gets when she hears from me. It probably makes her feel better about leaving me and also lets her know that I'm still here. Think I'm going strictly NC for the time being. It's going to be difficult but I hope it leads to the situation where I'm able to talk to her intelligently and get some things off my chest.

[nebbish]

your friends will say that because they see your pain.

 

think about it: when you call her or contact her, do you feel better or worse afterwards? better when you first hear her voice or read the contact--- like the drug ruch-- but then worse because it goes nowhere and then you also feel like you have compromised your self respect a little bit.

 

go back to the drug addiction analogy. nc is cold turkey. there is no emotional methadone clinic to help the withdrawal. it hurts like hell, no question. it is probably similar to the pain cancer patients endure. there's no easy answer.

 

but the false hope messages are just crappy and we keep taking the bait...

[indespair]

From a female perspective, I don't think there are all that many differences between the genders as far as how one gets dumped. Guys are just as hard to read and can even be MORE mystifying and confusing than women. My b/f of 1 year just broke up with me last month very suddenly and out of the blue and I was DEVASTATED. I loved him SO much. We were just about to move in together. Did the whole begging & pleading thing, only to watch him move farther away from me emotionally. So finally, I did the NC thing, and slowly he came around, at first coldly, and then more warmly, then now he's calling me/e-mailing me all the time and it is HARD so HARD to hold back when all I want to do is talk about us and where we are going. But every time I even touch upon the subject he gets agitated. So I'm holding back and waiting. I'm still in love with him. But I'm keeping my emotions in check and I feel that is what he wants right now...to NOT talk about it. I am trying to keep the NC thing going, but it's hard because HE'S the one who's doing all the contacting! I haven't called him once. And sometimes I won't call him back right away. What would you call this behavior, guys? Is he still interested? Playing cat & mouse? Our conversations are pretty light, but sometimes he'll talk about heavier issues - just not issues about US. Could this be a path to that (hopefully) conversation? Just keep it casual for now...?

[Torchbearer]

inde, Sounds to me like he's really confused and wants to keep you on the back burner. Which is the same situation I'm in, I'm pretty sure my ex is confused too. I'm sure he still has lots of feelings for you but isn't sure how strong they are. Sounds to me like he's trying to keep you at arm's length.

 

Confusing as can be isn't it?

[bcuzitwasfun]

I have to agree....Sometimes the dumper can't do no contact. They may feel guilty, insecure, jealouse, or realize they made a huge mistake. What ever the reason, a decison has been made and should be stuck to.

 

What ever the reason, male or female, the relationship is broken. Usually the dumpee can get strung along, but think about it, so can the dumper. As a dumpee giving hope and telling them how you want things back strings them along too.

 

Now, this can string you along as far as I am concened, but it yoou really think about it, it doesn't matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee.

 

In my mind, relationships are all from the heart, then the mind. We all have family and friends that like offer information about the ex or how they would handle the situation. That is the difference. Maybe they did something that moved them along or got them back together. We are all different and all of our situations are different.

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[Torchbearer]

While I haven't gone strictly NC I haven't one time asked her to get back with me.

 

Has anyone ever had success re kindling and old flame by asking in a reasonable, strong, non needy way.

 

The reason I ask is that a buddy of mine is telling me that she's reaching out to me and wants me to be in her life. This guy relates everything to poker so he's telling me to "push all in" and make her make a decison "for all her chips". He said now is a good time to find out what she's feeling; if there's any hope for us in the future. If not he says at least I'll get closure.

 

Missing her badly so lonely/posting at 2:30 am

 

TB

[kerure]

TB,

 

I completely understand how you feel. Weekends are the worst! It's less than 2 weeks I felt the need to call it off with my b/f of a year. My thread is under Breaking Up... Help Me Please!!!. Well, I walked away because I felt I had to, he tried several times to contact me. I finally answered his call and we talked a few times thereafter about the situation we're in. What he wants and what I want. Well I felt my head was being messed with and suggested space and time. This was on Wednesday. I have died and died again since then as he completely gave me the space and the time. In a minute of weakness I rang him last night and was devastated, as selfish as that sounds, to hear the backgroundnoise where he was. It sure sounded like he was having fun while I was tucked in bed missing him like crazy. Well he said he would call back as he was with a group of people, I haven't received any call back from him. I'm so mad at myself. Different options are flying in my head... is he with a new woman already, did they spend the night together...???

 

I've just arranged to spend the day with a friend, otherwise, I would go mad thinking and waiting for his call, which may never come.

 

Feeling low can't possibly get any lower than this. I miss my baby so badly!

[Torchbearer]

bump it up.

 

Got another email yesterday. Back to emotional.

 

nice

[DN]

What was the e-mail about?

 

But more importantly - why don't you block her e-mails?

[kd78]

God my ex is confused too... He emails saying he misses me, and no one will replace me, but is still seeing the other girl (broke up with me, started seeing her very soon afterwards).

 

I am just going to leave it all alone for a while, as I am getting well sick of it all. His confusion could be everlasting, and I deserve, and will get much better than that..

[Meeky]

Hey, we are not the only ones who give false hope! My ex is doing the same to me every time we talk! Doesn't have the balls to say, IT IS OVER, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Just says he is not sure. That he loves me. That he misses me. So, it is NOT just a female thing!

[okane24]

My ex myspaced after 3 weeks of no contact. I saw the new picture of her. She took off the Tiffanys bracelet I had bought her and was wearing a bathing suit, lookin good. She then wrote me " I am very very sorry. I feel awful..." What does that mean? It doesn't help that she broke up with me. It doesn't help me at all. It doesn't say she wants me back. So I ignored it. That was last week. I'm still not sure what to do. It sucks.

[DN]

When in doubt about contacting an ex who dumped you almost always the best plan is to not contact. So I think you did the right thing by ignoring the message.

 

All she said was that she was sorry and felt awful. But she is 'advertising' herself as available and I think taking the bracelet is also a sign that she doesn't want to get back together.

 

Hard though it might be I would resist the temptation to check on her on myspace - it will only hurt you.

[Frangipani]

Yeah, I hear ya. My ex told me at least 5 times (while he was with the new girl) that he 'still saw a future with me.' This was the last 'rather BIG piece of hope that I have held onto that for 7 months.

 

Last night, in the most open conversation we have had in 7 months, he told me that he was feeling nervous about coming to my city again (he is staying with me for event we are both attending). I asked 'why?' and he said, "Because I am worried that you will expect things from me. More than I can be."

 

Funny really, he didn't say, "I cant be with you that way because I love my girlfriend and I'm happy with her." I believe he still has feelings for me, and thats part of the nervousness too - he doesnt know how HE will feel around me either. I mean - if you THAT worried that someone was going to jump your bones wouldn't you just stay somewhere else? Anyway, my feelings for him haven't changed but i will be playing it cool.

 

But false hope is terrible. It's almost as if they pretend or regret saying what they did. I don't use words lightly at all and try not to say things I can't follow through with. I know people think the truth will hurt too much, but hurting intially and knowing FOR SURE there is no hope is sooooo much better than having and aching heart and hoping for a long term (in my case, 7 months).

[NubianLove]

I'd never expect to get back instantly, even if u do get back together, it should be something that is worked up. Meet up for really short dates like for coffee or lunch. Dont appear readily available, and definitely dont be quick to tell them how much u miss or love them. Dont set urself up, protect ur heart.

[daffycat]

Hey...am also a girl, and right now it doesn't feel like only boys get dumped...freshly into my single life by 8 hours, and stinging like a bast***...

 

yup, eight hours in, and i get this text out of the blue 'hey baby, hope you don't feel too bad. I'm thinking of you..'

 

I mean what the h**l? He just told me 8 hours ago that he needed 'time and space' to think, was having doubts, still loved me and didn't want to loose me, and didn't like to use the word 'break-up' (ALL examples of double talk for 'I just want out of this right now').

 

So where does he get off texting me this evening? I mean, how exactly does he expect me to feel...light and airy?? Of course I feel bad.

 

...but also am soooooooo tempted by this example of false hope!

 

so yes, a fresh new example, orchestrated by a male to jolly-along this forum.

 

And for an aside....need help to get through NC!!

[kd78]

God I have been single all this year... now he's smsing me and ringing me to see if I am alive, and hoping I have a good easter whatever I am doing. Then emailing and asking when I will be in europe and maybe he will be in europe then too...

[nebbish]

the beauty of nc is sublime. because it really doesn't change the ex: it changes you. what you don't see at the beginning fo nc is how it works. because like the drug addict you want to have the immediate high. and the of course is being wanted by your ex who just dumped you.

 

but with nc, if you stick withit, you reach a point where when you think abotu calling the ex or talking to them, another part of you goes: eh-- why? what's the point? and then as time goes on that voice gets louder. and pretty soon, you're thining, why should i spend a few irreplaceable minutes of my time -- that i can never get back-- on a project that i know will have a low cost beneift ratio? and once this thought kicks in, you think, yeah, why should i?

 

and it helps with the false hope stuff because it provides perspective: as in, do i really want to be involved with someone who does crap like that? and even perhaps sparking a little righteous indignation.

 

it's hard at first, no doubt about it. but if you stick with it, it builds its own momentum.

[blender]

Nebbish, YOU ARE SO RIGHT.... I've been doing no contact and it's a great way to "heal", it's so difficult at first, but you CHOOSE to think CLEARLY, yep you're right it builds it's own momentum... and yeah I still miss my "ex" but as time with no contact has gone on, I realize I miss WHAT I HAD HOPED FOR, and NOT what really is... when they leave, that's the 'truth" and not anything "great memories" of them, those are memories, moments that haunt our hearts, but when we stay in the "truth" that they "chose" to behave a certain way, then No contact helps this get so "clear" in our minds, and then our hearts will follow, great post from you, so TRUE.