Why do women friendzone so much??

[annie24]

yeah, it's not necessarily "failure." For example, I have one friend that I love dearly. He's attractive, smart, cool... but, we're just not compatible romantically. Now, he's never made a move on me, I don't know whether or not he's ever been interested in me, but if he did, I'd say no. because i just don't feel romantically towards him. there's absolutely nothing wrong with him though.

[monsieur]

and you wonder why us poor guys are so messed up inside

[annie24]

Ha! I've had men friendzone me also! (and not ones I've dated, just guys that I asked out or made a move on and they've done that to me.)

 

it's not just men that get friendzoned

[Miss M]

All points taken, but the bottom line is a guy that finds himself friendzoned, especially if it happens more than once in his life, has to take it personally as it is indicative of some kind of shortcoming....... if he was more personable, charming, sexually exciting to the girl, he would not be friendzoned, but obviously he is missing some ingredients to be a successful person.

 

It is so hurtful to be friendzoned when deep in your heart you want to love and be loved by the girl. I wish women wouldn't lead us on like they do.

Even though it feels personal, it's not, and I think you're making a mistake to interpret it that way. It also doesn't mean you have a shortcoming, or that you're lacking anything. And neither does it mean the women are leading you on. I've had very nice guys who liked me when I didn't like them back in the same way. (also vice versa) But I'm just not going to automatically feel the same attraction for every guy who's interested in me. And some of them also took it personally, felt inadequate, and felt like failures. But my decision to not be with them had nothing to do with their so-called "shortcomings." When women say "no" it's often not a reflection of you... it's often a reflection of them. And even if you feel it's a reflection of a shortcoming in you, why get so annoyed with the woman? Really it's best not to get upset with either of you just because the relationship didn't "click" like you had hoped. Maybe you might even decide to examine yourself to see if there is something about you that you'd want to change, but still don't be so down on yourself about it.

[annie24]

I don't really see that as "friendzoned", that is more just a gutless way of him to try to weasel out and not burn bridges and have enemies in the world.

 

You were right to say "no way" as far as being a close friend of any sort, it would be ok to be casual semi distant friends though, that is unless his thougtlessness is an issue than you don't really need friends like that.

 

I do believe that he was genuine in wanting to remain friends. I was very good to him, and we had a good relationship while it lasted (no fights, no nasty words, just kindness).

 

but yeah, either way.... I don't want to stay friends with an ex. It's too confusing and hurtful.

[Miss M]

But I'm just not going to automatically feel the same attraction for every guy who's interested in me.

Monsieur, are you automatically attracted to every woman who is attracted to you?

[annie24]

yeah, definitely don't take it personally! like miss m said, it's more of a reflection on them instead of you.

 

I've had times where I've turned down a guy because i didn't feel "the spark." I felt kind of awful afterwards, because I knew he was a great guy, would probably make a terrific husband and father, but for whatever reason, I wasn't attracted to him, but I was attracted to some other guys that didn't treat me as well. I think some people who get involved with jerks (men and women!) don't necessarily feel like they are worthy of real love. A lot of people feel that love needs to be complicated in order for it to feel "right."

 

when my boyfriend was breaking up with me, telling me he didn't feel the spark with me, he started telling me about some other girl that he felt "the spark" with years ago. he was telling me how crazy he was about her, but she was involved with his friend, and she had a whole host of problems and she wound up getting killed or something. I told him I couldn't believe he was comparing some messed up fantasy relationship to our normal, healthy relationship!

 

blah!!!!

[annie24]

Monsieur, are you automatically attracted to every woman who is attracted to you?

 

YUP YUP YUP!!!!! very very good point!

[jensxcom]

Everytime I friendzone a guy, its because im just not attarcted enough to them to date them for whatever reason....

I dated a guy that was hot but acted way too nerdy, i could not date him.

Every guy i have friendzoned always winds up ended the friendship/not talking to me anymore.

[CarnelianButterfly]

My question is why would you continue to want someone who doesn't care for you romantically? If they don't want you for anything more than a friend, then how would you feel being in a serious relationship with them if it were just to appease your attraction? That kind of relationship would be hollow, with you loving them and them not loving you back. It would be horrible for both of you, neither of you would be benefit from it, it would be destructive and hurtful. Women don't have to be attracted to you just because you are attracted to them and they do not have to change because you like them SO MUCH. Its not fair for you to place the responsiblity for your pain on a woman because they don't want you, women are not required to be sexually attracted to every man, we don't even have to like all men.

[jensxcom]

I agree with you butterfly.

 

Ive been hurt by alot of male friends. They ended our friendship just because i would not go out with them.

 

I learned the hard way, its almost impossible to have a male friend, its sad.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I enjoy being with my male friends when we are trully just friend, but its no fun if there's tension becasue they want more. I think that women and men can have genuine friendships, but as long as they both maintain it as a friendship only. The reason guys feel women are the perpetrators of "friendzoning" so much is because society expects women to be nice and that means when we reject men we have to let him down easy so his ego is intact. I prefer to tell men the truth some of them stay friends and some of them go away, its up to them.

[Miss M]

Ive been hurt by alot of male friends. They ended our friendship just because i would not go out with them.

And based on some of the posts from the guys in this thread, I would guess this statement is totally perplexing to them. Some would think, "why be friends if there's no relationship?" But some women do have the ability and inclination to be just friends with guys, even though some guys find that odd. I was in the Navy, and couldn't possibly date all the guys who were interested in me. Some of them inevitably ended up being friends. Often I was the only female in the group, so they had no choice but to accept it, (and get over themselves). And some of them found they could handle that... others could not. And even when I got out of the Navy, there have always been guys interested in me that I don't feel the same about, (and vice versa). But I also grew up with lots of brothers, and played and fought with boys in the neighborhood. Being around guys who I don't have romantic feelings for seems normal, acceptable, logical, just part of life.

 

And as to the comment about leading a guy on... Well, I don't think I've ever led a guy on, unless being polite to a guy-friend is being deceitful. But I can think back to countless times when guys have led me on, acting as if they GENUINELY wanted a relationship with me... but they really didn't. I guess they were just having a bit of fun at my expense.

[ehm doubleyou]

I used to get "friendzoned" all the time back in the day, and as a guy I hated it....I did not understand what I was doing wrong...i wasnt that bad looking, and was always nice....and always tired for a friendship with a girl to develop into something more....but it never did...

 

so what did I do? I did a couple of things...first of all I went straight to the point...i did not become friends with them first, i went straight to asking them out...if they said no then I moved on.

 

Also i have noticed women who were involved with men that treated them badly...maybe not too bad but rude enough....and that was it....women want the bad boy because its a challenge for them to try and tame....women can try and deny it but most of the time its the truth.

 

Women gernerally do not want this 100% nice guy, thats how one gets into the friendzone...and I think the same applies to men as well, we can get the real nice girl, but the relationship may become dull and boring, we would probably perfer the wild bad girl instead.

 

 

example of mine....I dated a woman who I had nothing in common with but she was wild and edgy and thats what got me excited, where as i passed on an opportunity to date a nice woman whom I had much in common with but she was too goody for my liking, and do i regret passing her up? .....nope not at all.

[DN]

And based on some of the posts from the guys in this thread, I would guess this statement is totally perplexing to them. Some would think, "why be friends if there's no relationship?"

 

Well, speaking as a male, there are women that I am friends with that I wouldn't consider having a romantic relationships with (even if I were not happily married)

[Miss M]

Well, speaking as a male, there are women that I am friends with that I wouldn't consider having a romantic relationships with (even if I were not happily married)

No, DN, I wasn't referring to you at all. That's why I said, "some of the posts from the guys"

[monsieur]

Well, speaking as a male, there are women that I am friends with that I wouldn't consider having a romantic relationships with (even if I were not happily married)

 

 

There are degrees of friendship,for you to go out now, now that you are married, and start a new friendship with a woman that could possibly be a match for you, and you tried to make it a close friendship, I would say that your actions are wrong.

 

And that is my point, the women seem ok with rejecting and categorizing what they need from a guy, they are happy to use him as a friend even though he probably wants love.

[CarnelianButterfly]

And that is my point, the women seem ok with rejecting and categorizing what they need from a guy, they are happy to use him as a friend even though he probably wants love.

Being someone's friend is not using them, its being a friend. I think you have a very strange idea as to what friendship entails, friends are people you can talk to, they care for you and about you, and you feel safe with them. Anyone who doesn't fit that criteria is not a friend in my book. If someone is a friend I how is me being nice to them, talking to them, and caring how they are using them?

[monsieur]

good post carnelian, I agree that that is what a friend should be too, and also what a romantic relationshiop should be also... that is why a friendship should be a natural to be a relationship if both are sincere in really being close friends

[DN]

There are degrees of friendship,for you to go out now, now that you are married, and start a new friendship with a woman that could possibly be a match for you, and you tried to make it a close friendship, I would say that your actions are wrong.

 

And that is my point, the women seem ok with rejecting and categorizing what they need from a guy, they are happy to use him as a friend even though he probably wants love.

 

I have been married for 31 years - most of my friends now are 'our' friends, but that doesn't mean that I cannot be friends with a woman other than under those conditions. Perhaps you are not able to be friends with a woman without some romantic interest but just because you cannot you should not assume that also applies to all other men.

[Miss M]

And that is my point, the women seem ok with rejecting and categorizing what they need from a guy, they are happy to use him as a friend even though he probably wants love.

Being someone's friend is not using them, its being a friend. I'm think you have a very strange idea as to what friendship entails, friends are people you can talk to, they care for you and about you, and you feel safe with them. Anyone who doesn't fit that criteria is not a friend in my book. If someone is a friend I how is me being nice to them, talking to them, and caring how they are using them?

Part of the problem with communication is certainly in how we each define the terms. CB you do a good job of pointing out some key things. I've told some guys, "no" to relationship, but "yes" to friends, and they took that to mean FWB. But I was offering them something like you've described... a friendship that was truly valuable and sacred, a friendship where I cared a lot about their well-being in a way they couldn't even fathom. It seemed sex was their priority, while a more meaningful friendship was mine. Too bad that so many guys think friendship is such an insult. Because for some women, friendship is an honor, not an insult.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Too bad that so many guys think friendship is such an insult. Because for some women, friendship is an honor, not an insult.

I totally agree, I put a high value on my friends. They very important to me, I don't call someone my friend without knowing them and seeing what kind of person they are.

Friendship is a basis for a relationship, but a relationship requires so much more including mutal attration, the "spark" that several (I think myself included) have mentioned. One can't expect that that will always happen, though, there are many people out there who will care for you as a person, but never as a lover.