Keeping emotions in check... my story...

[enolaton]

As scruffism suggested in majord23's thread 'In Contact with an Ex? This might help....', I'm starting a thread for those who wish to discuss how they have kept their emotions in check (before or after a period of NC) while in contact with their ex.

 

I will also attempt to share with you my efforts - I broke NC with my ex last night, and will be going the "friends" route. I felt strong enough to do so emotionally, and felt in my situation it was for the best. Things went well for our first conversation in a month. Let's see how things pan out...

[BONO]

Good for you.

 

I'm off to a surprise 30th party on Saturday evening. I've been told that I must attend even though the ex is going to be there. I saw her 2 weeks ago and kept my emotions in check by remaining funny/life and soul of the party/ aloof but more importantly NOT TAKING ABOUT US OR THE RELATIONSHIP

 

 

Lets see how we do. Remember emotions are just thoughts and thoughts cant hurts is. Its how we manage our thoughts to produce positive actions for US that is the key.

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

This is a post I read a few days ago from 2002. The chap who posted it is called GreyedScotsman ( so a massive thanks to him )

 

See what you think it should help us keep our emotions in check because I believe no matter what stage you are at with a person this stays true.

 

 

Scruff

 

 

 

 

 

 

Absense & Desire

 

Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you talked about, even admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity.---Robert Greene[/i]

 

 

 

[/b]Everything in the world depends on absense and presense. A strong presense will draw power and attention to you-you shine more brightly than those around you. Bot a point is inevitably reached where too much presense creates the opposite effect: The more you are seen and heard from, the more your value degrades. You become a habit. No matter how hard you try to be different,** subtly, without knowing why, people respect you less and less. A the right moment you must learn to withdraw yourself before they unconsciously push you away. It is a game of hide-and-seek.

 

 

 

 

**The truth of this law can most easily be appreciated in matters of love and seduction. In the beginning stages of an affair, the lover's absense stimulates your imagination, forming a sort of aura around him or her. But this aura fades when you know too much--when your imagination no longer has room to roam-(as I mentioned before re; keeping the mystery alive and well). Soon, the loved one becomes an ordinary person like anyone else, a person whose presense is taken for granted. "Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion"-Seventeenth century French courtesan, Ninon de Lenclos.

 

 

 

The moment you allow yourself to be treated like anyone else, it is too late--you are swallowed and digested. To prevent this you need to starve the other person of your presense. Force their respect by threatening them with the possibilty that they will lose you for good; create a pattern of presense and absense.

 

 

 

By withdrawing something from the market, you create instant value. In seventeenth-century Holland, the upper classes wanted to make the tulip more than just a beautiful flower--they wanted it to be a kind of status symbol. Making the flower scarce, indeed almost impossible to obtain, they sparked what was later called tulipmania. A single flower was now worth MORE than its weight in gold.

 

 

 

The Sun. It can only be appreciated by its absense. The longer the days of rain, the more the sun is craved. But too many hot days and the sun overwhelms. *Learn to keep yourself obscure and make people demand your return.

 

***REMEMBER THIS***

 

 

 

This rule only applies once a certain level of appreciaiton has been attained. The need to withdraw only comes AFTER you have established your presense; leave TOO early and you do not increase your respect, you are simply forgotten.

 

In love and seduction, similarly, absense is only effective once you have surrounded the other with your image, been seen by him or her everywhere. Everything must remind your lover of your presense, so that when you do choose to be away for awhile, the lover will be thinking of you, always be seeing you in his or her minds eye.

 

 

 

*****REMEMBER: In the beginning, make yourself not scarce but omnipresent. Only what is seen, appreciated, and loved will be missed in its absense.

 

Godspeed/Keep Cool!

 

 

 

__________________

"What do you get when you fall in love ? "

 

Grief !!

[majord23]

I'll follow this with interest lads...and may even join in (depending on how I feel in a couple of weeks )

[majord23]

Hmmm...just had a (semi) revelation. I was out with a friend tonight who brought along a gorgeous female friend of his. I chatted with her quite alot and we got along really well....she lives far, but she made it quite obvious that she was attracted to me. Nothing happened (not even an exchange of numbers) nor will it.

 

BUT - it's the first time since the break-up that I've actually felt genuinely attractive to a member of the opposite sex that I was also attracted to.

 

I arrived home feeling really great for the first time in a few weeks...and not feeling down about my ex. And it was all to do with confidence. The confidence knowing that my ex isn't the 'be all and end all' and that I do have alot to offer someone.

 

I tend to get quite blinkered when it comes to break-ups (doesn't everyone? ).

And it, I think, is because I believe that I will never love another like my ex nor will anyone love me like she did. And that is just NOT true.

 

Going through a break-up saps your confidence, the confidence that you possess when you are truly single - the confidence that you have options.

 

For those who are doing the 'keeping the emotions in check'...let me tell you, I could call my ex right now and not care what she said to me...nothing could affect me at all. This feeling will pass I'm sure, but I am going to save this post, just because I know it will give me comfort when I need it.

 

The feeling I have has nothing to do with the girl herself tonight (it could have been any attractive girl), but just the fact that I "still have it" has given me a great boost, at just the right time.

 

Genuine confidence, not 'pretend confidence', is a key ingredient if you are planning on 'playing it cool' with your exes....trust me

[enolaton]

Exactly my thoughts major. That's my plan. I'm done playing games with her. From now on, I'm just gonna be genuine in ALL my actions. I guess some would say I'm lucky in the sense that my ex truly does care to have me be a part of her life (and respected my space when I needed NC in the past). Since the break-up 6 months ago, I've learned so much about myself and life, and I have so much more to learn. From here on in, no matter the outcome, she'll only see the new and improved me (mixed with the "old" part of me she was initially attracted to). Mind you, I won't be chasing after her - just gonna play it cool.

 

Whether it be with her, or the next woman that comes along, can't wait to see that I still got it...

[hoping]

so i've been readin this thread.....but my ex of almost 2 weeks goes to the same university, works where i actually HAVE to go SOMETIMES...lives in the same townhouse complex as me, just at the next row....she has roommates that are some of my really good friends....have same friends...and worked with 1 of her roommates bf who happens to be my best bud since university.....how the hell do i keep this presense/absense thing in balance????

[hoping]

any suggestions at all?

[solo34]

I already told U what 2 do about your situation.

 

-Solo34

[BONO]

Majord

 

Ya see, its easy pal !!

 

However a word of warning !!! If the girl you were talking to last night is my ex I will hunt you down

 

Scruff

[majord23]

Majord

 

Ya see, its easy pal !!

 

However a word of warning !!! If the girl you were talking to last night is my ex I will hunt you down

 

Scruff

 

LMAO - Couldn't be mate....this girl just came out of a relationship and was a bit down because she couldn't go on some skiing trip that her ex was going on....D'OH!!

[BONO]

Hold on i've just got to work after a massive session at Park Lane Hilton - ha ha

 

 

( emotions in check )

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Majord

 

 

Just read that - very good. Laughing as try to type a response.

 

 

I will say this though, tough guy - no one likes a smart * * * *

 

 

Big kiss pal xxxx

 

 

 

Scruff

[enolaton]

Haven't spoken to my ex since I broke NC a couple days ago, and I'm OK with that. I've DEF gotten much stronger. I had some mixed feelings today... confident about my decision to remain part of each other's lives, but also missing the times we shared in college and thereafter. I miss her. She's a great girl, and also my first real girlfriend, and I wasn't the perfect b/f (but who really is?). I've had time to grow and understand things, and what it takes to maintain a strong relationship. I wish I could just show her...

 

In any case, I'll keep you guys posted as TIME goes by...

[BONO]

Just received an email from the ex asking if she could drop her bag off at mine tomorrow ( clearly has no one else to ask - not ) and inviting me out for coffee tom afternoon.

 

She knows I'm seeing someone, and is clearly trying to keep herself visible.

 

So here is my plan. AGAIN she is coming to me. Not only is she asking to drop off her bag at mine she has asked me out before this party tomorrow night for a coffee. Thats TWO direct approaches independent of a mutual friends B'day. Actions versus Words

 

I will remain aloof and funny and might meet her tom afternoon. I will be able to keep my emotions in check because Im dating. I will not bring up US or the relationship. I dont need to. If she asks about my new date I will make light of it. Again the plan is to make sure she has a great time (knowing Im seeing someonelse) without putting any pressure on her.

 

She will have to leave with the knowledge that Im having a riot without her and she cannot have me - creating instant attraction.

 

 

 

Wish me luck - I'll keep you informed

 

 

 

Scruff

[majord23]

Good luck scruff (not that you'll need it mate!).

 

The great thing about this situation is that you are completely in the driver's seat. As you have said, SHE is the one that is 'reaching out' here.

 

She is going to see you at the party anyway, right?

So why the need to meet up beforehand? (a rhetorical question).

 

You're sounding well prepared mate, and justifiably so. A one-on-one meeting (as opposed to the party) definitely gives the ex a chance to see how you are really doing (in her mind at least).

 

But when she sees how much you're enjoying your life...a little piece of her will die.

 

I'm very keen to see how this turns out mate

[BONO]

So, just got another quick email from the ex seeing whether I would like to do some "touristy" things tomorrow pm signing off with her pet name !!!.

 

That what couples do ...right ?

 

Again I remain in check with my emotions. She knows I'm seeing someone and her actions are speaking louder than words.

 

Just sent one back saying " I'll see if I can juggle a few things around - give me a call tom afternoon "

 

Tick tock !!

 

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

remind me scruff, was it a messy breakup, or fairly clean???

[BONO]

Until I got to enotalone I had no where to focus and channel my emotions.

At first I would use my friends, but after a few weeks they got sick of me, because

 

 

 

1) It got boring.

2) They are he friends as well.

 

 

 

So for me it was quite messy ( in my head), and any interaction i had with the ex ended up being emotional because simply put - I could not understand logically why we broke up and nor could she but said it was "for the best

 

 

 

I was frustrated beyond belief and sometimes the frustration boiled over and i would do daft things like drunk phoning to see if she was ok ???

 

 

 

However, that was 6 months ago. I have learnt alot about the situation but moreover me.

 

 

 

Phrases like "you cannot attach logic to emotion" and use "absense to increase desire" and "people for the most part want the things they can have, they like a challange" and "never be needy or submissive, be aloof funny and confident" have to a large extent changed the way i look at the way i behave to get the best out of a situation. As a consequence by adopting and adhering to the above quotes has made be look at a persons actions rather than words.

 

 

 

 

I read a thread from DRB who from what i can tell has looked into to this in depth.People for the most part are attracted to various traits or attributes others have. You need to look back to the time when you first dated and think what they were that made you so attractive.

 

 

 

Once in a relationship and over time, bonds are formed and a certain level of security reached. Security interms of "being there" or " financial" bonds in terms of "famlies "or sharing the same "friends". This is normal and to a large extent forms a comfort zone.

 

 

 

However is it attractive ????

 

 

 

In my mind this is key. Sure your ex will miss the security/comfort zone but is she attracted to it ???

 

 

 

You can do all the things in the world but if you cannot read your GF or ex through actions speak louder than words you might spend alot of time on enotalone.

 

 

 

Big Jim what im saying is you need to back off now from your saga and learn about yourself. You dont have to do a lot, just a few little things. But the key element here is time. Again show her that you mean it because if you dont she will be thinking "Yeah he said that last time".

 

Again Jim , Actions Speak louder Than Words

 

 

 

Scruff

 

 

ps that last time I posted you I promised to hunt you down if you break NC - remember ???

[BONO]

So back to me.

 

Got in last night. 2 missed calls and a text. Text read " Is it Ok if i drop my bag off at yours at 9.30 am"

 

GOOD GRIEF

 

Right, she knows Im seeing someone and clearly is checking to see if she will be at mine.

 

So i phoned her back, her voice was very calm if not a touch nervous. I said yep fine just call me when your coming over. Not giving anything away.

 

 

Like clockwork she calls at 9am on a Sat morn to say she will be here in 30mins but was rushing to get to a hair appointment and asked me if it was OK to call ME after her appointment to maybe do something this PM. I said fine.

 

So as it stands. Her bag is at mine in my room. Not at any other of her friends in London. She is clearly going to get changed at my flat and we will be going to the surprise party this eve together as ex boyfriend and ex girlfriend.

 

 

Again Actions V Words.

 

So I will be that person who she found attracted 2 years ago and have a riot tonight and send her on her way MISSING ME and perhaps a touch insecure that I have a New GF

 

 

To be continued ......... !!

 

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Still here and still up talking.

 

She is the star

 

But my emotions are still in check. Why ?? Respect for me and respect for her.

 

It f'ing hurts but she loves me

 

 

Shame ..... time will tell

[majord23]

Good to hear scruff

 

We'll expect a full report later soldier

[Royltnxile]

Enotalon,

 

I've posted to you before about the topic of going the "friends" route, and why it's a bad choice and why it will most likely result in her finding you less attractive down the road rather than preserving any chances at reunion. You might find this article interesting. It concerns the whole "friends with ex" issue and why it's not possible to be true friends. I think you guys are kidding yourself about staying friends with these women, and you are sabotaging any chances you may have to try again in the future. I did a good post on this on another thread. I'm going to try and find it and link it here.

[Royltnxile]

Here is that thread. I posted it to you awhile back. I know you don't want to hear this, but hey, we are all here for objective advice right? You aren't over her, which is apparent because you are still posting in the "getting back together" section. Staying friends with her is not going to get her back is only going to lessen her attraction for you. Originally Posted by enolaton

As much as I shouldn't care, I still love my ex very much, and I feel by not being her friend, I am just pushing her closer to this guy. ..................I know I've lost her as a girlfriend, but it's so hard to accept I've lost her from my life alltogether. I feel not being friends, which she REALLY pushed for, is only pushing her closer to this other guy (seems she is the type to always need that male figure in her life, and I'd rather it be me, then this guy)... so confused...help...

__________________________________________________ ____

 

Enolaton,

 

Be honest with yourself, brutally and totally honest and ask yourself these questions:

 

Could you really be just her "friend"? Friendships don't work when one party is madly in love with the other.

 

Do you really think that your love for her would allow that?

 

Could you stand hearing her talk about other men she might be meeting, dating, and worst of all, - sleeping with?

 

Could you picture yourself going on a double date with her and being totally indifferent to the situation?

 

Can you handle all the mixed signals you are going to get constantly from her by being involved with her as a "friend"? Because that is what you are going to get from her.

 

If you can't answer all of these questions with a truthful and honest "yes", then it is impossible for you to be her friend, and you are asking for nothing but trouble and more heartache by desperately hanging onto the crumbs of attention she is going to offer you under the guise of "friendship".

 

You are kidding yourself to think that if you just stay her friend, she will eventually wake up, come to her senses, and want you again in a romantic way. It won't happen like that. Your best course of action to preserve any kind of romantic possibilities with her in the future is to withdraw from her completely, practice NC, and move on with your life. Reconnection through disconnection. This is a hard concept to grasp but it's the only way. The first step to getting anyone "back" is to let go. How do you let go you ask? Put any thoughts of being her "friend" out of your mind, focus on yourself, and start meeting new people. Accept that the romantic connection between you and her is over and realize that there is nothing you can do to "bring her around". If you and her are meant to be friends, then life will bring the two of you back together as true friends at some point in time. If you and her are meant to be together as romantic partners again, the God will to that as well. Let Go and Let God...

 

You say she is the "type that needs a male figure in her life". Hello? She's got low self esteem my friend. She needs guys around her to validate herself and to gratify her ego. Her begging and pleading with you to remain her "friend" has nothing to do with YOU. It has everything to do with HER and her needs. Your idea of this proposed "friendship" with her is nothing short of you hanging around like a dog waiting to be thrown some table scraps of attention from her...ie..."mixed signals". She will throw them your way to keep you interested when she feels she needs to, and only when it's convenient for her. HER idea of "friendship" is having you around at her convenience kissing her azz and catering to her emotionally ...again, only when she needs it.

 

You're worrying that if you disconnect from her, it will drive her into the arms of another man? She's not in your arms right now is she? So why care whose arms she winds up in. Remaining her friend isn't going to prevent her from seeing other people and I don't understand why you would think it would.

 

She knows you love her.

She knows you want to be with her again.

She knows she could have you back at the drop of a hat as well.

She's comfortable and content in this knowledge, believe me! Her ego is dependent upon this knowledge. Trust me on that one as well.

 

Disconnect from her. Let her go. Remaining false "friends" with her will neither bring her back to you, nor will it allow you to let go. Don't do it.

[tylercdurden2004]

Scruff your a cruel bollocks! And I love it.

 

Roy although i dont agree with everything you have said I like your style.