Should I end it?

[InsertNameHere]

Me and my gf of 6 months have been fighting alot lately... I go to college and she is working at home. I live about 20 mins away from her house. We have broken up and gotten back together several times. All of her friends are mostly guys and she hangs out with them alot. Usually we see each other 3 times a week, and it is always me asking her to chill. However, I would kind of like to see more of her, but I feel like she always puts me second. I am kind of getting sick of it. She says she thinks this is true love, but honestly i feel like she doesn't care about me. We have talked and she said this is just "how she is." And she never includes me when she goes out with her friends, even when I always include her with me and my friends. Seems like a lot of red flags to me..

Help?

[WahlbergCasket]

i see two big red flags but the big one is that she has tons of guy friends. this is always the issue with me. girls seem to always detest other girls for some reason. i immediately cringe and imagine bad things they might be doing. i also am a paranoid freak though

 

she should include you with her friends and return your generosity. you dont have to invite her but you do and she should appreciate that. i say at this point ask yourself what you are getting more of at this point: her * * * * *ing in your ear and making you feel like crap, or the stuff relationships are meant to be like.

good luck!!

 

Ben

[InsertNameHere]

Ya. It wouldn't bother me if she ask me out with them once in a while, but when she is going to movies with just her and them, it bothers me... Am I being unreasonable? When I ask why she doesn't invite me she says she doens't want to feel like she has to be on my arm or something,..

[WahlbergCasket]

she's not considering your feelings so don't consider hers. telling them you dont like them going with guys to movies makes them angry and then they'll stop calling you for like a week and act like nothing happened. let me ask you this;;;is she attractive or kind of ugly? this matters because the hotter she is the more you should distrust her with other dudes. it sounds cold, but you need to be in control. let her go to movies with guys, but don't sit at home waiting for her to call. go out with other girls, see how she likes it.

[friscodj]

You guys have broken up many times already, she's got lots of guy friends and never includes you, she isn't willing to compromise in saying "this is how she is", and you feel second. Red flags? Ya think??????

 

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is take charge of the situation and you tell her to get lost. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better...

[calgaryguy]

I disagree about that many guys thing, Lots of my gf's have mostly guy friends. Its not a big deal, if anything it just gains more trust in the relationship. The thing about not including you is kind of strange though. That I would be worried about.

[hoping]

well it also really depends on how her guy friends are....have u ever met them before? i mean us guys have an amazing talent at identifying threats...and if u've met them....im sure u can tell which one is the aggressive type....and when u do....take a baseball bat to his house n ask him to come out for a talk....lol just kiddin...but definitly go meet them at least once....u'll see wether or not u should even worry....

[friscodj]

take a baseball bat to his house n ask him to come out for a talk....

 

You laugh, but one of my best friends a few years ago found out his wife was cheating on him, so he followed her to the guy's house and brought two baseball bats. He knocked on the door, offered the guy a bat and wanted to have it out right there on the front lawn...I love that story...

[sukerbut]

dude your dating my ex...dump her before she dumps you...i used the get the same thing ... lots of guy friends and "thats whom i am" hey guess whose on this forum now...me and so will you...she does not have the desency to respect you..i can understand one ugly guy friend but if she is suyrrounded by dudes..what do you think is going to happen..especially at your guys ages..tell ehr how it is..firat..if she is not willing to change make a move and leave

[PocoDiablo]

Dude, I read some of your past posts. You're getting USED. There is so much here to touch on, I'll go over it briefly...

 

Me and my gf of 6 months have been fighting alot lately...

You're driving her away with your lack of self control. Yes, this is your issue and you need to stop losing self-control. You can disagree, but to fight is to show her that you are a 12 year old having a temper tantrum. It's not mature, not fun, not exciting. This is why she is spending time with other more mature men.

 

We have broken up and gotten back together several times.

She cannot respect you for not having a backbone and taking her back. Believe it or not. You're showing her you are clingy and desperate, and a kiss-up. She's already gone, and you just don't know it. You don't WANT to know it, actually, but you know.

 

All of her friends are mostly guys and she hangs out with them alot.

BIG RED FLAG

Read the article in my signature.

 

Usually we see each other 3 times a week, and it is always me asking her to chill.

RED FLAG. If she were interested in you, she would call. Stop calling her and see what happens. When she does call, tell her you have other plans and she cannot come along.

 

However, I would kind of like to see more of her, but I feel like she always puts me second.

Yeah, dude, she's spending time with other guys!!!! You're like 12th! If my SO went out to movies with some other guys, she'd be VERY gone VERY fast.

 

I am kind of getting sick of it. She says she thinks this is true love, but honestly i feel like she doesn't care about me.

Trust your gut, trust your feelings. She is using you for something (do you pay her way; you're a free ride.) and you're getting used.

 

We have talked and she said this is just "how she is."

And you shoulf tell her "And I won't tolerate being treated like a second class citizen. This is how I am."

 

And she never includes me when she goes out with her friends

Because she is cheating on you, obviously.

 

even when I always include her with me and my friends. Seems like a lot of red flags to me..

Help?

Red flags? Dude, it's like the red carpet of red flags.

 

I've said it all before....

 

First, a woman who loves her man would never do anything to upset him or drive him away. Mentioning that she wants a break is a RED FLAG, and a dealbreaker.

 

Women are often brutally honest with their men, but men are completely blind and never see what is happening. Let's go back a little bit and think about everything that has happened in your relationship.

 

What other red flags has she thrown? Chances are she has thrown many, many hints (red flags) your way but you have ignored them all. What are some examples of red flags?

 

• She asks to see other people (Dealbreaker)
  
• She tells you about another man she met
  
• She got his phone number and tells you (Dealbreaker)
  
• She went on a date with another man (Dealbreaker)
  
• She kissed a guy and told you (Dealbreaker)
  
• She is spending time with any male friend who is not gay (or otherwise makes you uncomfortable about being with him)
  
• She doesn't come home at night - more than once, and does not have an excuse
  
• Hangs out with her ex-boyfriend (Dealbreaker)
  
• Says she's lesbian (Dealbreaker)
  
• She spends a lot of time with her friends but does not invite you
  
• Frequently goes clubbing without you (Dealbreaker)
  
• She cheated on you (BIG Dealbreaker)
  
• She's too tired to come over
  
• She's too tired to do anything - ever!

Often times these red flags will be followed up with desperate pleas of forgiveness, saying it was a mistake and she loves you, etc,. However, these are all excuses designed to make you feel better about yourself. In essense, for a deal breaker you need to dump her no matter what she says. Cheaters get dumped - no exceptions.

 

How many of these red flags, or other ones, have you seen in your relationship? One, two, twelve? This is not rocket science, guys, actions speak louder than words. If you have done a poor job of maintaining your relationship with her then she will get bored and leave.

 

No matter what, her actions are practically screaming at you. A woman who loves her man will take the time to spend time with him, will have sex with him, and will respect him by not throwing red flags. If your GF stops coming over to your place, but still calls and tells you that she loves you, you MUST be smarter and realize that her actions and words are not congruent. it does not matter what she says in this case, she is not making herself physically closer to you. This is a red flag.

 

See how that works?

 

What did you do wrong? Well, chances are you did a lot of things wrong by simply not knowing what women need in a relationship. Here are some examples:

• Dated her for more than two years without proposing
  
• Had a long distance relationship but never spent time together
  
• Talked on the phone for hours every night
  
• Emailed, Texted, SMS'd, or IM'd her all the time
  
• Got into little arguments (or big ones) and "caved" to avoid the fight even though you disagreed
  
• Did not stand up for yourself by telling her "No" to things you did not want to do
  
• Lacked the main traits of a gentlman: Self-Control, Self-Confidence, and Challenge
  
• Did not properly maintain your relationship by flirting, joking, and occasionally complimenting her abilities or effort (and NEVER her body, looks, or sexual prowess)
  
• Were lazy all the time
  
• Ignored her by working on your car, playing video games, watching TV, or surfing the Internet when she was around
  
• Forgot about personal hygiene and looked or smelled funky - Bad breath is especially a killer
  
• Never helped out around the house, such as cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, or otherwise helping out
  
• If you have a child and refused to help out with him/her/it and made her do everything
  
• Bought tooo many toys (TV, computer, car parts) and not enough food, paying bills, or taking her out

So now that you have red flags, what do you do? Well, chances are at this point she has been thinking about leaving you for some time. If you got the "We need to be apart" red flag, well... you're done. She's been thinking about leaving you for 6 months or more, and you have done nothing to keep her.

 

What to understand: Well, you need to respect and understand her decision. This, of course, will be alien to you because you have probably never even thought about it. After all, you "love" her and she should love you back, right? Because all women love a man who loves them, right? Wrong. Women will only love a man who gives her reason to, and you've likely acted more like a big child than a mature and caring father-to-be type. This means that you have to tell her "Ok, yeah, I understand. I've screwed up and you want time away. I totally understand and respect that. You do what you need to do." and let her go. Then stop calling her and wait it out.

 

Chances are she will be gone for good. She knows who you are, and unless you get coaching and improve yourself in short order, there is probably nothing you can do by yourself. She is telling you that you have made fatal flaws in the relationship and is moving on to find a more mature partner. This, of course, will be a recurring theme in all your relationships unless you make an effort to improve yourself.

 

What not to do: You should NOT beg, cry, plead, call her, buy her flowers, take her to dinner, get drunk and call her, apologize, or anything else that would be construed as trying to buy or win her back. As crazy as it sounds, this will get you the exact OPPOSITE of results. You will in essense be acting like a child trying to buy her back or guilt her back. You cannot do that.

 

What to do. If you are serious about being with her, you have to first identify your faults and then improve them. The list can be long, or it can be short. However, you have to be honest with yourself and look for the reality of the situation. How did you act more like a child than an adult? These traits must be improved upon before you can get her back. The most obvious ones would be to flirt and joke with her more. Avoid - at all costs - serious topics of conversation, especially about the break up. The whole reason why she left you, most likely, was because you were boring her! So, don't keep doing it, as it will only reinforce her decision to leave you.

 

Instead, you need to go out with your friends and have a good time. Maybe even start dating another woman, or at least hang out so you don't appear to be missing your girlfriend. Yes, this will be tough, but you have to be attractive to her if you want her to come back. And, for her, if she sees you are fun to be with and other people see it, that is a good first start.

Any truth to this? I bet you can pick up a lot of it.

 

It's time for you to pull your socks up and dump her - won't she be surprised. Don't get into it with her, since you already fight with her, just tell her it's over. That's it. No reason, no details, and no you don't want to talk about it. Let her know you're not going to be treated poorly and that's that.

 

The problem is that when she spends time with these other guys it hits YOUR reputation. YOU look like the sucker, YOU look like an idiot, and other women see how desperate and pathetic you are acting. You'll never meet the woman who is right for you while you are stuck with this ... user.

 

Move on. Hold your head up high and move on.

[InsertNameHere]

Yeah, you make a lot of good points. But I know a lot of girls have guy friends, and I have a lot of girl friends...and I don't want to tell her not to hang out with them. She says they are all like brothers, and I have met them...

[WahlbergCasket]

i'd like to quote Jay from Chasing Amy here...."kick her to the curb man, girls are to too much trouble" (or something along the line of that, my apologies for slaughtering a good quote) AND "theres one * * * * * in the world, one * * * * * with many faces"

[Lady Bugg]

Hey Insert.

 

I don't think her hanging out with the guys is the issue here. She's honest about that apparently..it's the fact that she CHOOSES to not spend more time with you. I think THAT is more of an issue because she is making it blatantly OBVIOUS she would rather spend time elsewhere.

 

Poco is smart....although his advice is sometimes a bit on the blunt and harsh side...he offers a lot of good advice. Re read his post.

 

Your g/f obviously has NO respect for you...regardless ifthat's just "how she is". You have made it clear that it bothers you and she is not taking your feelings into consideration. Big red flag. You seem very reasonable to me...so why are you settling for crumbs here?

 

Again, re read Pocos advice...and take those necessary steps.

Best of luck!!

[InsertNameHere]

Yeah, his advice did seem reasonable. I just want to take everything into consideration because I don't want to make a mistake..

[PocoDiablo]

Mistakes are how you learn ... you should embrace them. I've made more mistakes in my life than I can count, and now I know what not to do again ... and again ... and again.

 

This one - no way it's a mistake. I promise. Even when she begs to get you back, don't take her ... move forward and learn to never let anyone treat you like that again. And then find the woman who treats you better!

[InsertNameHere]

Thanks poco. Your advice is probably for the better. I will try to post the updates...because I know she will call me back and cry, and I always fold..

[friscodj]

Thanks poco. Your advice is probably for the better. I will try to post the updates...because I know she will call me back and cry, and I always fold..

 

Don't let the conversation get to the point where you might fold...don't answer the phone if that's what it takes...

[WahlbergCasket]

she'll cry, you'll give in, and this will be your relationship until you really end it.

[marinaflor562]

I'm new here, sorry if this isn't the greatest place for my op! RE your GF having a lot of guy friends. That by itself isn't always a red flag. If she says they're like brothers and you understand and have girl friends of your own, you're at least pretty chill about the different sexes being just friends. It can happen. But I agree with everyone who says that the big sign is that she tells you one thing -- I love you -- but does another -- won't take more time to see you. Maybe she's afraid of her feelings but you don't want to get jerked around by someone who uses love as a way of keeping you happy without showing it back. Just my thoughts.