My insecure thoughts

[bo0]

Hey im 21 and at university in England. I recently got with a girl i met a little over 2.5 years ago, she blew me away the second i met her.

 

Over the last year wev become really close and i found out from a mutual friend that she had also liked me from the moment we met. Wev always been flirty with each other but to both of us it had always been a case of 'its never going to happen so dont hope' when infact we were both thinking the same thing. Anyhow we got together just after christmas, its really working because we already knew each other so well. I just cant say or describe how strongly i feel for her, quite perfectly matched if i do say so myself.

 

The problem comes with her ambition....shes crazy about travel and wildlife, there interests we both share, except im tied down by uni and she isnt. Today she went to South Africa, shes there for 3 months, then shes back home for a month or so then shes off to South America. She has various other adventures planned out over the next couple of years.

 

I guess im just using this as a place to voice my feelings. Im quite an insecure person, i havent had alot of success with relationships and ive trusted people that ireally shouldnt have trusted. Thats all in the past but it still effects me now. Basically i know i can trust the girl im with when ever shes away, whether shes with other guys or not. All our mutual friends know how we both feel and we both feel we can make it work over the months shes away. The next part of the problem comes with my mind. I find myself making up scenarios in my head, not of her cheating on me but of her realising im not good enough, i dont have a strong opinion of my self even though she believes in me so much. I just see her changing her mind basically, this is in everyday life, i have yet to experience what ill be like when shes away. She makes everything right again when i feel down, inadequate or worthless. I dont know how to deal with it while shes away.

 

Ive asked myself if i rely on her for this 'comfort' or whether i can do it alone. The fact is ive done it for so long without her so i shouldnt 'need' her. I think its because i have this strong fear of losing her, i know i have something really good with her and it would break my heart if it were to end.

 

TBH my thoughts arnt really that clear atm. Ive talked to friends today, theyve sort of put my mind at rest for now, but i know tomorrow will bring its own troubles. Whats worse is i cant really contact her very easily to get reasurance from her that shes actually thinking of me.

 

bah, whats wrong with me? i just need some advice on how i can deal with being 1000km's apart with no contact and not knowing who shes with, if she still feels the same or whether shes met some1 new.

 

Thinking about it i guess it does look like i dont trust her, but i totally do. Its just u can only trust some1 until they break that trust. Say for example she did meet someone and she spend 3 months solid with them, and in a moment of thoughtlessness she makes a move on him? in that instant the trust in the relationship is gone even when it was there so strongly before.But unfortunately humans make mistakes and i guess its this thought that causes all of my upset.

 

...But after all my crazy thoughts and ideas everything melts away when she says those magic words 'i love you'

 

Ok ive read through the above, just trying to realise my own problems. I find it hard to deal with my own self esteem issues and my insecurity about her leaving me for some1 better.

 

I feel better, not sure if any1 will read this, not even sure if i should have even writen it.

 

thanks

[sandela]

Hi,

 

I read your posting and can really relate to how you're feeling. There are days where you will find that you're having insecure feelings. I'm so sure that she has told you or written to you how much she cares about you. Go back to those thoughts, re-read the emails/letters and relive the moment when you first heard all those good thoughts and really keep them in your heart.

I know the feeling of "what if they've changed their mind" but I think you have try to let go of those if's - hopefully your dream will come true.

[bo0]

Hey Sandela, thanks for your reply.

 

What you said has really helped me, its so good to hear some advice from someone that might know what im feeling. I dont have many friends in real life, hence why i chose this site to express my feelings and fears.

 

Theres so many things she said to me before she went and she told me not to doubt her or anything shes said. Its only today that i feel happy knowing what shes said is true, ive worried so much over the last couple of days.

 

Great advice! ive been reading a note she wrote me not long ago and have been keeping a journal of my thoughts, im starting to feel better about the whole thing although i miss her like mad.

 

Thanks again, i may still post on here to get my emotions out, its always good to have someone elses opinions.

[NJRon]

I know anyone would love to be with someone that will support them in whatever they want to do and still be there for them. You not making a deal out of her travelling, following her dreams, and still wanting to be with her is a big thing.

 

Take the time that you are apart to work on yourself. You can rest in the knowledge that you have someone special in your life, even if they aren't with you at the moment, to focus on what *you* need to accomplish. There's a certain comfort in that.

[bo0]

Thanks for you reply Njron.

 

Ive tried to be supportive and i helped out alot with organising her trip, fund raising, tieing off loose ends etc. I know shes greatful and she knows i still support her now.

 

Ive calmed down alot since i made that first post, im trying to deal with it, keeping busy and getting advice from here and talking with friends about how i feel, aswell as the journal. All seems to be helping! 1 thing im not going to do though is upset her by telling her how bad i feel, this is a chance of a life time and i wouldnt want to spoil it, but i did send her a msg saying what she meant to me and that i was thinking of her. Im unsure whether she will get it or not.

 

I am going to 'work on myself' im not a particularly fit person, although this girl thinks i have a good body i think im going to surprise her by toning up abit. Also i have alot of work to hand in for my degree in a few weeks, i guess ill have more free time to work on it and hopfully get a better grade. Trying to think positively

 

Thanks again guys for all your help!

[bo0]

Well its been about 2 months since i last posted here, she has around a month left before she gets back. Theres been ups and downs all the way and its been hard.

 

We established a way of regular comunication, it seems she had the same fears about me chaning my mind about her. We decided to send 1 text message everyday if we could, she'd send 1 at night and id reply. But 2 weeks ago she moved to a new location and is living with a guy over there, although i was slightly jelious at first i got over it because i trust her. Things have since gone downhill though...

 

I didnt hear from her for over a week and a time we had planned for me to call her she didnt answer the phone. So i managed to get through to her a couple of days ago and ask if she was ok. She said she was getting on great with this guy and they were having fun and she had left her phone turned off all week by accident. This is what im worried about...normally she tells me how much she misses me and how she cant wait for me to call, yet it seems she didnt give me a second thought all week. I started to worry that she might be falling for this guy so i quizzed her about it and she basically told me to leave her alone and wait until she contacts me.

 

I have no clue * * * is going on?! it seems to me that shes fallen for this guy but she says she hasnt. Im not sure what ive done to upset her but im not going to contact her and just wait. The guy in question leaves on monday so maybe she might call or text me then and let me know whats going on. I reallyl dont want to lose her and up until that phone call i didnt think she wanted to lose me either.

 

I dont know what to think or what to do. I just needed to voice my thoughts.

[syborg]

Hmm

 

From what you are saying it doesn't sound good. For this girl to tell you she loves you to then suddenly go "leave me alone" certainly seems like a red flag to me.

 

Yes, she may need space, Yes she may need some time to herself but the point is, if she still loved you, she would tell you that nicely and politely.

 

There seem to be femails on this site who will accuse you of being clingy and demanding, but these are the same ppl who go running off to their best mates when they don't get what they want from relationships. Its not the "wanting space" or "wanting time alone" or "No communication" that hurts, its the REASONS and the WAY they go about it that is the problem that you are facing.

 

What would I do ?

 

As much as it would hurt me, In this situation I would wait and NOT call her and let her come running to you. She has been off with you, you aint done nothing wrong so let her make the effort. It will hurt, so over this next week, hang out with ur mates, try and enjoy yourself, watch some movies, do guy stuff and the answers will soon come.

 

Good luck

[orvil]

i know exactly how you feel here...

i have had virtualy a mirror image situation regarding the communication side of things.

its the change in habit that first rings alarm bells and gets the imagination racing.

when your routine breaks its human nature to suspect the worst. at least i have found this the case in men.

 

what syborg just said is so true to do. DONT call her let her call you.

as much as its the sensible thing to do i think i managed to last about 2 days before i had to call and let out all the build up of thoughts in my head..

 

my opinion on what to try is to sit down with pen and paper or at a the pc maybe a few beers inside you to loosen up your emotions ( the beers are optional but in the past they have helped me let out that extra it of emotion ) write down what you would say if she was sat infront of you and she couldnt answer.

 

dont stop to read what you have wrote. just write what comes into your head, again still writing as if you are saying it to her face to face..

take a break from it go watch TV make a drink any thing.. doiing this you will think of other things you want to know and how you feel..

go back and keep emptying your thoughts on to paper..

DONT read back through it.....

when you have got it all out go to bed.. if you cant sleep get up and write more...

 

when you get up in the morning re read what you typed or wrote and throw it away...

 

it may sound a silly activity BUT trust me it works wonders with dealing with the silly things that go through our head in this situation...

 

 

one final note, if you are any thing like me i would speak to her ASAP and get things clear for your own good. some people can play games i personaly would not have let it get that far before saying something.

in your situation you need to know 1 is it over? 2. if we are still together why are you been this way..

 

your mind is craving answers and all you are doing is torturing your self trying to make your own up..

 

good luck and hope that it turns out roses and ice cream...