Searching for Answers

[Adulthood_Not_Quite_Ready]

Hey Everyone! I am new to this site. I came here in desperation I guess you could say. Although I am seeking counseling help, I want the help of others as well. So here is my prob:

Ok, first things first. I am a lesbian. I have been with my now ex-girlfriend for nearly two years. She walked into my life when I needed someone most. She was perfect and always helped me with everything. I was so depressed at that time in my life, that I sort-of came to depend on her. And soon, I became overjealous and even abusive! I know that that is not who I am, and it made me upset that I was acting like that, but the abuse went on. And what makes things worse is that she was abused as a child and even in a previous relationship. Still, she took this abuse and loved me. She was always there. Perfect.

But after about a year and five moths, she began to act out and rebel. We would break up a lot,on my part, and she would always allow me to come back or whatever. WE both took counseling, even together, and things sometimes improved, but they would always turn back to the way that they were before. She always gave me another chance. I would still hit and/or hurt her every now and then and a few times she shoved me or smacked me, but i knew that she didn't want to. She grew a little distant and one day broke it off with me.

By that time, I had changed quite a bit in ways. I don't hit her anymore. And the breakup has opened my eyes considerably!!!! She needs her space now to grow as a person and figure things out with her life. I need the same kind of help. She said that she doesn't want to be in any relationship right now. And she doesn't know if she will want to be with me in the future. WE live together still ,as my family is hers after two years and we try at a friendship, but sometimes it is so hard for me because I want her as more than a friend.

I have changed in some ways, as I said before and when she sees that she pushes away. Then she tol me that the biggest reason that she will probably not be able to be with me in the future is this: She has hurt someone she loves (meaning physically as well) and cannot go back with me because of that. I told her that I know that I have hurt her in worse ways, but I am a good enough person to better myself and learn from my mistakes. I love her enough to better myself and leanr from my mistakes. I want to make her happy again and prove that to her.

She says that she cannot face the fact that she has hurt me physically and one reason is is because she feels like her mother in which she hates to death. My mistake is sometimes saying in the past that she was like her mother. Big mistake. I know. I am ont as bad as a person as you might think I am. I want to admit my mistakes, and I know that I was depressed at the time I became abusive. It is not so much an excuse. But that is not me to be like that. She still loves me and always will. She said that, but one reason she might not be with me is because of hurting the person she loves.

What do I do?

Sincerely,

Tashley Jade

[pi_anochik]

She is also probably having trust issues. I think she might really be afraid that you are going to put her in a position to hurt you again. She also might not trust herself. I think that when you would hurt her, you changed her. She's scared of being hurt and hurting you. If she does let you back into her life, it might take a while, and things could still be awkward. I would suggest that you just keep trying to be friends, and don't put pressure on her to take it any farther. I really hope this helps some, but I don't have very much experience in this area.

[Adulthood_Not_Quite_Ready]

Ok. I know that it is the first day that my post has been posted, but 23 ppl have read it and only one has replied, which I appreciate greatly. I hope that some more ppl will share their advice with me. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Tashley Jade

[crookster_man]

Adulthood, First I'm glad you came to this site. It is truly awesome; it allows people like you to ask advice about anything and everything relationship based. As for the lack of responses you have felt you might want to read this article which outlines ways to increase responses.

 

Also I find that posting during the week after 3:00pm is when the most users are online which would mean more people would read your post. Lastly you could look at the member board and find members who post often, give them a private message; chances are they will respond to your message.

 

Now enough about that, on to your problem...

It appears that you have learned a valuable lesson the hard way. "We always hurt the ones we love" Why is this? Because we feel that we can share our emotions and feeling with them even negative ones. However, there is a point where it becomes destructive. I fear you have crossed that line.

 

Some things you said stuck out. "I was so depressed and she came when I needed her the most". That could be part of the problem; she became an outlet for your depression and negative feelings. She became a sponge, so with every insult you felt better but it hurt her. Sound familiar?

 

Eventually the resentment towards you built up higher then the love. This is what happens in an abusive relationship. It's good that you have realised the folly of your actions, isn't it sad that it usually takes us hitting rock bottom and losing everything before we realise this?

 

Right now all you can do is ask for her forgiveness and give her the space she needs. Maybe you should move out? You need to focus on why you were this way towards her? Have you solved your problems or are you just venting in a less physical way? How is your confidence and self-esteem? Do you feel worthy of love? Does she?

 

Right now my advice is to give her what she wants. For far to long you have dominated and controlled her. This has lead you to the situation. It's time you give her the power to rule her own life. Maybe she can forgive you, maybe not... Either way you must focus on your own issues and solving them WITHOUT a crutch (her) in your life.

 

I hope this helps, if you feel that it didn't please post again with more detail about what issues you are having. I'm sorry for your pain. Good luck and trust your heart.

[secret_agent_man]

Sorry I missed the 'call out' in a post, the PM works best, thanks for using it!

 

I definitely know the position you are in. I can't say that I've gotten physical, but it's still been rough at times.

 

I think you already know, you have to give her space. In my eyes, the relationship wasn't meant to be, and I think you sort of realized that already, but it's hard to admit. The rocky past you two had was pretty bad, and although you say you've changed, it may not be best to get back in to it. There are others out there, and I think you should take what you've learned and apply it. If at a later point you two try and get back together, she will have proof that you've changed by your other relationships. And, of course, you may find a better relationship altogether.

 

Sometimes we just have to live, love, learn and move on. It's really tough to do, but it has to be done sometimes.

 

If you choose to wait for her to come back, don't get your expectations up too high, for she might let you down hard. Just take it day by day and learn to love yourself and respect yourself, and everything will work itself out in time...

 

Good luck, Let me know if you need anything else!

 

S.A.M.

[Adulthood_Not_Quite_Ready]

Hey. I totally understand what you are saying, and it is the situation, in a way. I mean you just now helped me realize that maybe one reason she had to get away is so that she can have some control over her own life. Which I can fully understand. And that is what she has done.

Also, perhaps you are right when you say that I might still have a lot of that anger or whatever but have cooled off when it came to venting it in a physical manner. I believe that you are right there. But I do know that I have changed in small ways, tried to better myself, because I want and need to and because I love her. She knows this too. and another good thing is that I am taking up counseling again.

Now,when it comes to our living situation, she lives me and my family. There are also reasons behind that. We still share a room, but she has a separate bed now. Which is good. I guess what she wants is for us to be friends, and it is hard for me, because I want her in another way. But then I come to my senses and realize that this is good. We have to learn how to be friends first;establish a relationship and try to better ourselves and stuff. She set real reasonable boundaries, healthy ones, and I mean that, but sometimes it is hard to not be able to touch her or kiss her, because that was what we have done for two years.

And so what it all comes down to is that she told me that she wants my friendship always and she will always love me (even in that way), but she does not want a girlfriend right now, and she doesn't know if we will be together in the future. That is the scary part!!!!! I mean, it is just that this whole breakup has opened my eyes to how much I want her. How much I wanna make her happy. How much I wanna better myself to prove to her and myself that I can and am a better person. She knows I love her. I think she knows that I can change. But then she told me the big reason why she probably won't be able to be with me is because she hurt someone that she love and she cannot face that. She says she absolutely cannot face that! I know that she is afraid she will hurt me again if she is back with me, but in a way I feel as if she is running.

I just don't want that to be a reason why we might never be together again. I know that I did a lot more damage, but I have given myself credit for being able to pick myself up, admit to my mistakes, and learn and grow from them. And that is because I wanna better myself. It is also because I love her enough to want to show her that I am a better person. Yes, I know that she is a different person, but she has to face her wrong-doings. She is even going to be taken anger-management courses, but she still said that she does not want face hre mistakes. And one reason for that is because she feels like her mother, because she was abused by her mother while growing up.

Okay. So ,I don't know if you followed me at all. I dunno really what my question is I guess. I just want someone's perspective. Someone's input. I am realizing more and more that we need our space to grown and better ourselves, because for onw thing we would definitely not be suitable for a relationship right now. Trust me. It would just turn out disastorous again!!!! I know that I cannot force her to be in a relationship with me, nor would I ever do that. But the thing is, I know that I will definitely regret not having a relationship (as in gf/gf). I know that we have potential. I'm afraid that she will not be with me because of hurting me. Can you understand?

Thanks for everything. I truly appreciate it. Oh, and she must still care for me lots if she is selling off her stuff to get me a bus ticket to Montana so I can see my very ill friend.

Sincerely,

Tashley Jade

Life is too short to beat around the bush. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

[as1shoodo]

Initially you relied on your woman's support throughout your depression and didnt know how to express, or fix it, but through physicalness. You became dependent. Because your woman found herself striking back, she probably reached her tolerance level. Love is love, but you need to offer her more. Whatever your reasons of depression (stability, career, esteem), you need to channel your resources and energy to feel better about yourself FIRST before you can offer change to your relationship. It doesnt sound like she's gone yet, but awaiting better from you.