Need Objective Views and Advice (sorry it's long...)

[Twilight777]

My ex (29) and I (25) have been in kind of a crazy relationship for the past 3 years. About half a year ago, he moved to another state for a business opportunity. There has always been alot of conflict between us and it just seems to escalate at every single opportunity. He has hurt me ALOT, but in his defense, he also feels hurt by some things I did as well.

 

I went to see him 3 weeks ago where he lives now. We acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, we were affectionate and engaged in sexual activity, and although he was sweet for most of the time...at times he seemed VERY distracted...and at one point when we were in public went into a men's restroom to make a phone call. I was suspicious but I didn't say anything then. When we were in the car to the airport on my way back home, I asked.."so we're still together right?" The reason why I asked is because when I visited him previously (3 months prior), we fought the day I got back and then no less than a week after that I found out he was talking to one of his exes. He said he only did it because we weren't together (but I thought we were???). So I made sure to ask him this time and he said "yes, ofcourse we're still together...even when you're back home".

 

We did end up fighting when I got back this time, but he never stopped to ask what was wrong, never wondered why I was upset....he just didn't care and ignored me. This made me mad so i began sending him nasty emails because I thought atleast maybe this would stir SOMETHING in him to calll me and see what was wrong (I know that isn't the way to do it, I was wrong to do it, I know now). But he didn't really care. Finally I gave up ....that's when he started with the nasty texts...and then he sent me pictures of himself and a new girl kissing. I nearly had a heart attack when I first saw these. Obviously, it hurt me to the core.

 

I found out that he had taken these on Saturday, just a little over 2 weeks after we were intimate. I know I should go get tested for VD's and I plan on it.

 

We've been arguing back and forth, he says that she was meaningless, that he met her at a bar and they had some drinks, he got her phone number….and then on Saturday they met up for some drinks which is where he (actually one of his friends) took the pictures of them kissing. He says he didn't do anything else with her, and she didn't go to his house. In one of the pictures she's biting his shirt, and looks like she's ready to rip it off…which makes me think that he might have given in to her….I don't know this is all assumption.

 

We spoke this morning, and it calmed down a little…he said he still loved me, I told him the same, and I asked for the other girl's phone number. He wouldn't give it to me. As we talked further he said that if I moved out there to live with him, I can get my "assurance" and that he would give me her phone number and the passwords to his email and put a gps on his car so that I knew where he was all the time.

 

I told him that I wanted her phone number now, and that if she was as "meaningless" as he said she was then why would it matter if I had it? He got mad and refused to give it to me, saying it wouldn't make a difference. I feel like he's not giving me the number because she might be his booty call….I forgot to mention that he said that he told the other girl all about me and she didn't mind. So this must be an easy girl that he can just call up whenever he wants.

 

Please help, what do you think of this situation? Any insights into the situation and advice would be greatly appreciated.

](*,)

[lunatic]

Welcome to Enotalone!

 

 

Your not going to like the advice I am about to give you. Personally, if this were my position I would walk away now. First, he fooled around on you more than once. Secondly, HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE!

 

Listen here you deserve better treatment from someone who WANTS to be with you. Not to be with someone who treats you like this. Sorry I would kick this jerk to the curb and move into No Contact (NC) ASAP! Come here and post as often as you need to so you can vent.

[NJRon]

I agree with hubman 100%.

 

I can't believe he actually sent you pictures of him kissing another girl. That is one of the lowest things I have ever heard. He gets no respect from me.

 

I think you guys make better exes...

[Twilight777]

He says that if I move to where he is, everything will change, he'll give up everything for me...is he just saying that to get me out there...or do you know of a long distance situation where it ended up working out when one moved for another? =( I'm just scared that I'll give up everything and then I'm left with nothing. Right now, I have a good job that pays well, I live in a great place and I like my friends...and my family is here too.

 

But I just have a pit in my stomach right now. I wish I could just call him a disgusting pig and forget about him but it's hard!

 

He's texting me right now saying that he has enough money to put a ring on my finger....

 

God help me...I'm panicking...

[kellbell]

Hi there and Welcome to Enotalone!

 

 

***Beware...my post may not be what you want to hear***

 

 

I have a few questions first...I am not understanding something. Did you two discuss of what the nature or status of your relationship would be once he moved out of state? I mean did you want to do a LDR or see other people, what? Or were there assumptions and expectations there that were not discussed or clarified? Because that is the case, that is where your troubles are coming from. I see a huge communication break-down in your relationship and many assumptions that were made. And you know how that saying about assumptions goes...

 

Ok I am going to break down your post and offer my insights....

 

"He has hurt me ALOT, but in his defense, he also feels hurt by some things I did as well."

 

Right there in your second or third sentence, an indicator of lack of communication on both of your behalves. When he hurts you...you need to discuss it with him and vise versa, instead of using the "defense" as collateral to hurt one another when the situation arises.

 

"The reason why I asked is because when I visited him previously (3 months prior), we fought the day I got back and then no less than a week after that I found out he was talking to one of his exes. He said he only did it because we weren't together (but I thought we were???). So I made sure to ask him this time and he said "yes, ofcourse we're still together...even when you're back home."

 

Again, I am confused here. So just because you had a fight gives him the excuse to get into the likes of an ex??? And I am also wondering why you are still carrying on with this guy...he has made it clear he cannot be trusted and uses lame excuses to hurt you. I am not sure why you have to "make sure" you are still together. That does not sound right at all and IMO that should have been discussed before he moved.

 

 

"We did end up fighting when I got back this time, but he never stopped to ask what was wrong, never wondered why I was upset....he just didn't care and ignored me. This made me mad so i began sending him nasty emails because I thought atleast maybe this would stir SOMETHING in him to calll me and see what was wrong (I know that isn't the way to do it, I was wrong to do it, I know now). But he didn't really care. Finally I gave up ....that's when he started with the nasty texts...and then he sent me pictures of himself and a new girl kissing. I nearly had a heart attack when I first saw these. Obviously, it hurt me to the core. "

 

Again, lack of communication. Why are you beating around the bush (him too), what I mean, why the nasty emails, just come out and ask him what is wrong? And tell him what's wrong with you...do not expect him to be a mind reader. And if ever caught my BF kissing another woman...he is done, to the curb, I don't care what his excuse is. These are horrible and hurtful games you are both inflicting on one another.

 

"….I don’t know this is all assumption."

 

Assumptions, is your worst enemy. Ask him about it and if you feel he is going to lie about it and not tell you everything...then...well, I think you know where I am getting at.

 

"...told him that I wanted her phone number now, and that if she was as “meaningless” as he said she was then why would it matter if I had it? He got mad and refused to give it to me, saying it wouldn’t make a difference. I feel like he’s not giving me the number because she might be his booty call….I forgot to mention that he said that he told the other girl all about me and she didn’t mind."

Ok, what good is this going to do? Having her number? Your man is playing really dirty and probably playing you both. She is not your enemy...your lack of communication is. He obviously cannot be trusted so: A. how do you know what he is telling her, about you for example, is truthful? B. She may not even know about you, or C. He could be just saying you are "just a friend." I strongly feel he is playing you both.

 

"So this must be an easy girl that he can just call up whenever he wants."

 

You don't even know her, again you are assuming and you have no idea what your BF is telling her or if even told her anything at all.

 

I am sorry if my post is not exactly what you want to hear but IMO, this is a very toxic relationship. Full of hurt, games, assumptions, and lack of communication and trust. I see what both of you contributed to all this.

 

If I were you, I would not even speak to him ever again. Cut your losses and the fact he lives far away from you, gives you a big advantage. I am so sorry things have been rough but from what you have written, I would not be able to trust this guy any further I can throw him. And without trust, you have got nothing.

 

I wish you all the best and take care. (((hugs)))

[NJRon]

This guy acts odd. Not to mention, you two seem to thrive on causing each other pain. You are living off of drama adrenaline.

 

I find it useless to promise to change when a certain event happens. First of all, that won't happen. People don't change just because something external happens. They change becaus ethey want to. Not to mention, he is using his changing as blackmail to get you out there. Same with the ring. Who tells someone else they have enough money for a ring. I bet he won't give you a ring until you move out there.

 

Seems to me he just wants to get you out there so you will be under his control. You will be entirely dependent on him. If things aren't good now, they will only get worse.

[lunatic]

DONT DO IT!!! Thats the easiest suggestion I can give you.

[Betsy Blue]

To be honest i don't really understand why you even want her number, what good is that going to do?

 

You admit that you sent him horrible e-mail's but nevertheless it does seem like a weird thing to do to send those photos of him with another girl, but you didn't include in the post what you wrote in the nasty emails so i don't know how far it went or what was said so it isn't clear what made him feel the need to do send them ... if that makes sense?

 

This is going to sound nasty and i feel bad saying it but im only being honest and trying to be objective you sound a little clingy (sorry!) for example "[i want him to] give me her phone number and the passwords to his email and put a gps on his car so that I knew where he is all the time", If you feel like you have to do that then i would say there is no trust in your relationship and it would be better to call it a day but if you really really feel like you have to do that, it's only going to work if you live together and can be together most of the time.

[Twilight777]

I guess I feel like I can call her up and let her know that he is in a relationship and find out what he really told her... I guess I mostly want it because if he gave it to me it would show that he really doesn't care about her, that it wouldn't matter if I called her and told her that he's taken.

 

About the email passwords, gps tracker etc... it's funny because I didn't ask for all of that...just the girl's phone number. I think he offerred that because in the past he has been caught (by me) writing girls emails and asking them out on dates....he still has excuses to this day about that. When he was here, we hardly spent 2-3 days out of the week together....and I'm worried about that too... he's promising all of this stuff...but what if it's all going to be just the same thing? But then in another point of view, what if it does change everything? What if it's the security of marriage that'll make him a better guy???

[NJRon]

What if it's the security of marriage that'll make him a better guy???

 

That's not going to happen. Things typically degrade once there is the "security" of marriage, as both people tend to get a bit lazy about things. Not saying that's the way it is with all people, but for the most part, once married, it takes even more work to keep from falling into the trap of taking each other for granted.

 

If he can't be secure with you right now, then he won't be able to be when you are together. If there is no trust between you, imagine the issues when a whole marriage is on the line. Next time things start going sour, he'll want to have kids to trap you even more... then what... you're really digging your hole deeper.

 

I think the advice here has been very consistent and, I'm sure it isn't what you want to hear, but the consensus is that this is not a healthy relationship and you giving everything up to go be with him is, in my opinion, a bad move.

[kellbell]

"What if it's the security of marriage that'll make him a better guy???"

 

Oh no way....marriage does NOT solve exisiting problems or make someone change...in fact, from what I have seen, it makes things a heck a lot worse. This guy is so untrustworthy. All those things such as trust, love, committment, compromise, sacafrice, communication and most of all, RESPECT have to be strong and present for a marriage to work out. It does not come after.

 

"I guess I feel like I can call her up and let her know that he is in a relationship and find out what he really told her... I guess I mostly want it because if he gave it to me it would show that he really doesn't care about her, that it wouldn't matter if I called her and told her that he's taken."

 

Ummm...sorry if it gets to the point where YOU have to do such a thing, then things are not good. That should be up to HIM to clear things up and he is not doing it, well....you know what I am getting at.

 

I really think you should end this relationship and focus on yourself and heal from this.

[RayKay]

Wow, reading through this all the guy honestly sounds worse and worse.

 

First off - if there is no trust, security, respect BEFORE marriage, it won't come after marriage either. Marriage does not "solve" problems...it sure can exaberate existing ones though.

 

Security and commitment have nothing to do with what's on your ring finger or what the courts have in their files - it's what in your head and heart. And this guy's head and heart are NOT showing commitment, or a trustworthy person.

 

He sounds honestly he just can't stand not having control of you, so he throws hints your way "he can afford a ring" to keep you around. A guy whom genuinely wants to marry you won't throw you that line...they will actually propose to you. It's only a way to keep you hanging honey.

 

I cannot get over the audacity he had to send you pictures of him with another girl. I don't know what you said to him, but that action on his part shows absolutely zero respect, love and is horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. A confident women would not only flip out at that, but would not even be pondering the idea maybe he really is good inside...since this is not your current frame of mind, my guess is you have either some low self esteem or are so used to his controlling mind games you don't see it for what it is.

 

He has a history of asking other women on dates while with you. Hello? How in the world did he convince you that was alright?

 

After all of this you still defend him and take HIS word for it? His word that he told her about you? His word that you can trust him?

 

I am not much older then you, and I cannot comprehend at this stage in my life allowing a man to play such games with my heart. It is incomprehensible. Honey there ARE better men out there. There ARE men whom will respect you, love you, treat you like gold, and NOT cheat, lie and be cruel.

 

But first...you have to respect yourself enough to get the heck out of this toxic situation.

[lunatic]

This man is a jerk and I cannot for the life of me figure out why you want to be with him. He has made no attempts to reconcile with you except to try and drag you to where he lives. To me that is a severely bad move on your part. Once you leave here you can never come back to life you have now.

 

I agree with NJRon on this one that the advice has been consistent about this jerk. Kick his sorry butt to the curb and move on to someone who will treat you right. There is nothing wrong with being single and finding out who you are and where you want to go again. I think you need to do some soul searching to get yourself back to what matters most YOU. If you don't love yourself then how can you truly love another?

 

Get away from this man as marriage nor moving to his state will change anything in the long run. You move out there and he will be different for a few weeks ok maybe a month. Then things will start to slide back to where they are now. Screw that get a backbone and stand up for yourself since no one will do that for you! Tell him to take a walk and next time he wants to play head games to not call you!

 

Ultimately, in the end you will decide what your going to do. So take our advice and use it as a way to make a more informed choice.

 

Good luck!

Hub

[Twilight777]

Firstly, I thank all of you for your input… I know some of you were wondering what type of ugly emails I sent him, and it was spiteful words like saying he was a jerk, loser, and a couple expletives. I was just so angry at the time. I feel badly about it now.

 

The scary thing is that when I think about how I feel like right now when things are okay and he's telling me that he loves me and wants to marry me, I feel great I feel some weird kind of peace (even though I know about the other girl). When we are not together I feel angry, the smallest things bother me, irritable, etc. But then there's also the torture he puts me through…but he makes me feel (like he's making me feel right now) that he won't always be like that.

 

It has always been hard for me to date. I'm 25 years old and this was my first real relationship, and I had only been in 2 other relationships before that one. And it wasn't because I didn't want to be in one, it's because no guy ever pursued me. I really don't want to sound vain, but my friend's are always telling me that I'm "beautiful" and that their guy friends say that I'm "hot", and yes I do take care of myself and my body…but NO ONE has pursued me or shown serious interest. I spent 5 years (18-22) being completely single because I suffered from depression and anxiety, and I feel like that paralyzed my relationship developments in a way. I felt rejected as I rejected my close friends too.

 

I just feel like what if this was it? I don't want to spend another 5 years all alone, especially when I don't suffer from anxiety anymore, and depression just slightly.

[NJRon]

Well, I will tell you that THIS isn't it... you are young and have plenty of time to find someone who will treat you right. The only reason I can think that you actually feel good some of the time is because it's relative. Your GOOD is other people's NORMAL... you just have so much BAD here that it seems GOOD.

 

After a while, you will be thanking him for not abusing you today, if you keep this up.

 

I can identify with your feelings, but they are misplaced. Focus on getting on with your life and not pouring energy into a toxic relationship and you will begin to feel better.

[chai714]

Without going into specifics (because others have clearly made their points) you both help foster an unhealthy relationship. Between aggression, revenge, betrayal, untrustworthiness - these have all had a very negative impact on your relationship and future relations. It really shows in the way that you two communicate.