Afraid to start dating again!

[mystik]

Hi all!

 

Some quick background info:

 

I used to love the single life, seeing life as one big opportunity after another. I was probably one of the most optimistic people I knew... I loved flirting (voted biggest flirt, most outgoing, most school spirit in my highschool grad class) and I just, I wasn't afraid. I was never afraid of not finding 'the one' and never questioned that everyone had a soulmate. I was confident beyond belief that everything happened for a reason and we just had to deal with whatever struggles and obstacles life gave us - my motto being everyone has a solution...

 

Well cut 3 years later..two of which were spent learning how many college guys only want one thing, and the last year of which in a steady relationship, I feel lost. The first two years of college I learned not to trust any guy and to have no expectations unless they really proved to me they were good guys. I learned not to get attached. Then I met my ex and I fell hard. He was sweet, committing, he seemed perfect (I now know he wasn't). Long story short, I let myself fall hard, trusted with all my heart he was the one when I knew I shouldn't have, and then he broke up with me.

 

I want to go back to feeling the way I did years ago. I want to start dating again, flirting and having no fear.

 

Everytime I hear this Kelly Clarkson song, I feel like it describes me perfectly right now.

 

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

 

How do I get out of this? Everytime I meet a new guy I might be interested in, all I feel is fear. I don't think I even believe in "the one" anymore. I'm supposed to be fearless. People know me as the strong one, I don't know what to do :S I don't know what the solution to this is. I hate feeling like this. I guess I just want people to share anything that might help, or have the same feelings...anything!

[lgirl]

mystik,

 

i know exactly how you feel. i wasn't the marrying kind until i met my exbf; used to think what will be will be etc.

 

cut to the vicious way he treated me last year when he smashed up our r/shp (it wasn't a break-up, he destroyed it all) and i can't ever imagine trustng any guy again -i can't even trust myself b/c look how wrong i got it i now DREAD being close to a guy again and i am terrified of having any feelings/getting attached, yet i know i can't live my whole life alone like this, but i have lost all faith in others...

 

sorry i don't have any answers for you, just to tell you you're not the only one

[mystik]

i can't even trust myself b/c look how wrong i got it

 

hi Igirl,

 

don't be sorry!! knowing i'm not alone and that i'm not completely crazy helps a lot. What you said above, it really got to me. That's such a big part of it...how could I have been so wrong? How could I have felt all those things and believed it all, and then end up being wrong? I was so SURE that I KNEW. People say, "When you're in love, when it's right, you'll KNOW." Well!! I KNEW!! and then I was wrong... haha. So the next time, how the heck am I going to KNOW?!! Even if all is going well and great, I don't think I could ever believe it again. I'm starting to think there's various mr. right nows in your life, and not one for forever. Nothing is certain. It makes me kinda sad to think that way.

[NJRon]

Hmm... I knew... and I was wrong... and I hurt... then the hurt went away... then I knew again... then I was wrong again... then the hurt went away... only had 2 loves so far... one greater than the last... but already I the hurt has gone away and I feel myself opening up to the possibility of trusting love again. Maybe one of these days i won't be wrong.. but I can't stop loving just because of fear...

[Dako]

mystik

I have similar fears that keep me from functioning. I've never been this afraid of my feelings before. My nerves are raw.

I really need companionship, and fear it as well.

Stuck.

 

Maybe it's for the best.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think that as we get older and have one or two major relationship failures, we get jaded towards relationships and them working out. We let our fears control us and then we dont try or else we doom any potential relationships that could develop when we meet someone, by negating our feelings, our emotions. Writing it off, saying it was an aberration, the other person doesnt feel that way, why should we trust that person, we will get hurt, etc. etc. We get overprotective of ourselves and dont allow ourselves to experience anymore, so we can avoid getting hurt. We all do that. Some people overcome it and move on to find better relationships. Some never do and compensate in their own ways by getting closer to their friends, their pets, their hobbies. Some never recover and stay alone till the end.

 

I dont know what the cure is for that. I have had only two serious relationships in my life, the most current one crashed and burned. I still have attachment issues to my first one (my best friend) and sometimes I carry him around like a security blanket because I am afraid to go and meet someone new, like everybody else is afraid to. Our hearts can only take so much. If I met someone I liked right now, I am not sure how I would deal with it.

[mystik]

Hmm... I knew... and I was wrong... and I hurt... then the hurt went away... then I knew again... then I was wrong again... then the hurt went away... only had 2 loves so far... one greater than the last... but already I the hurt has gone away and I feel myself opening up to the possibility of trusting love again. Maybe one of these days i won't be wrong.. but I can't stop loving just because of fear...

 

Well put NJRon. I'm not going to stop loving, shut people out, or drive them away because of my fears or anything like that...The last thing I want is to become bitter or alone because of this. We all have to push forward and keep on trying, I believe I'll find another to love...the thing is, maybe a little fear is good. Maybe fear is just another way your mind is telling you to be careful, to proceed with caution. I can see myself falling in love again - but I can't see myself ever believing it will last forever again. It seems like we have all had a few relationships that we felt very strongly about. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be...we find a few loves during certain points of our lives - some who last a year, some for several, and some for 30. We can never be certain it will be forever so maybe there is no such thing as 'the one.' what do you guys think? IS there 'the one'?

 

P/S - Dako, that couldn't possibly be for the best I'm starting to think that it is ok to be afraid...it's just what we do with that fear. Take that fear and turn it solely into ...a sense of caution. We all have to move on, being hurt again has to be better than being stuck...wondering, wandering, feeling hopeless. I hope anyway

[NJRon]

I have never believed that there is only One. I believe there are many ones. No one is the same, different ones are good in different ways.

[renaissancewoman101]

I once thought there was "the One" but then he turned out to be gay. At least we are still best of friends. Life goes on and if I dont ever find another relationship that works out, I know my best friend will be there.

[Dako]

Thanks mystik.

You seem quite heathy, considering your situation.

 

I'm considering lots of paths right now.

[mystik]

Thanks mystik.

You seem quite heathy, considering your situation.

 

I'm considering lots of paths right now.

 

Sometimes I feel really, really, really down, like things couldn't possibly get worse...but I'm hoping that if I keep on saying optimistic and healthy things that I'll start to really feel it - trying to be positive even when you feel like crap is part of the battle isn't it...

 

Good luck your journey

[lgirl]

mystik

 

i guess that's where we differ. my experience has left me feeling too damaged to contemplate having a r/shp. i don't think it's worth the risk. i can no longer trust myself - how could i have got it sooooo wrong? like you, it felt so right - i'd never experienced that before. but i not only got it wrong, but i paid the cruellest price for that mistake. yes, i've learned from it - but it has been too high a price for what it was and if i could go back now i would NEVER have got involved. i truly regret it. but i am not going to make that mistake again, i will never trust a person like that again or let them in like that (i had trust issues before him, but thought i was finally on safe ground. sheesh!) and i will never be frightened of losing someone again. no one's worth it. maybe love will find me again, though the thought makes me sick now, but i will never give it the same importance or take it seriously. nothing lasts - not even good times and certainly not love...whatever that is.

[NJRon]

The bad times don't last either.

[lgirl]

sadly, the bad times seem to last longer than the good

[mystik]

Well if you're really sure you're not going to be frightened of losing someone again...why not just go with it, and if a new relationship does happen to find you, understand that it's probably not going to be forever.

 

I really don't believe that there's 'the one' anymore..theres 'the few' who are going to be parts of certain points of your life. Accept that they will leave, or maybe, you will leave them, but enjoy the good times that you might have. Although...I've been reading your other posts and it seems like you want to avoid it altogether. I don't know how to help! A new relationship doesn't make me jump with joy right now either but personally, I want to at least try. I'm absolutely scared out of my mind but I really do believe that I have to take my last experience and learn from it. I don't know if there's true love anymore either, but I'd rather be loved for a little while than hate the world around me. You know how I said I was so sure, and then I was wrong? Well I want that feeling of being in a relationship again again. I won't believe it'll last forever this time, but I want to feel that happiness again with someone...just this time I won't believe it's forever. Maybe it will last a few months, a few years or maybe it won't even last that long. But there's no way I'd rather be alone. That's just me though... I want to kick your ex's aS* for doing this to you. Can't you show him you're better than that?

[Dako]

There's another reason to fear dating and relationships, and that's the fear of hurting someone else. Somehow the thought of making someone hurt is a real obstacle. No matter how you do it, there's always that risk.

[lgirl]

hey mystik,

 

although i said i won't ever be frightened of losing someone again, what i mean is is that i will never care again about anyone so deeply or invest in them to be frightened of losing them; i won't allow myself to get attached again. and if i do get involved and it ends i won't cry or ask for a 2nd chance as i did with my exbf. i don't see the point of getting involved anymore - why put yrself thru all that, investing in a person, getting close - for what? nothing lasts and i'm not prepared to put myself thru all that bs again; you end up hurt one way or another. why get involved if it's not going to last? i am beginning to think r/shps are overrated and most people i've observed only seem to get involved so they don't feel lonely - what kind of reason is that? it's not love is it?

 

i admire your attitude mystik - and i wish you the best of luck. unfortunately my experience/lesson has taught me that even the sweetest, most caring man can turn around and inflict extreme damage a little way down the line and there is no way to predict that, seeing as so many people are on their best behaviour for the first 6 months at least... and of course, just as bad is that i can no longer trust myself so there's no way i want to feel 'this is so right' again - think if i ever do i'll have to end it immediately b/c i now have such bad associations with those feelings.

 

I'd rather be loved for a little while than hate the world around me.

why do you have to hate the world around you just b/c there's no love in your life? i might be disenchanted and bruised by love, but i don't hate the world around me - just my a$$hole ex!! LOL.

[mystik]

why do you have to hate the world around you just b/c there's no love in your life? i might be disenchanted and bruised by love, but i don't hate the world around me - just my a$$hole ex!! LOL.

 

Hi! Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you hated the world around you! I said that because I was afraid I myself would become bitter to the point of hating everyone around me...especially those who seem so happy in love. Sigh, sometimes it's hard not to be jealous.

 

The funny thing is, before this 'incident' I'd know certain couples and be like "oh they're going to last forever" or "they're definitely getting married" and now, instead I think "well they look great and happy, I wonder what will break THEM up?" It's like my whole perspective on love has completely changed.

 

Yes, I agree with you in saying that you won't get that attached again. That's how I feel too. I will probably never believe someone is forever again and try not to get too emotionally invested. Unfortunately for me, I know myself, and I know eventually, someone is going to break that barrier I put up....and in the end I will be hurt. SO, I might as well play with the cards I've been dealt and psyche myself into believing that I just have to keep at it until I'm happy for a long time. It's so hard isn't it?

 

Could you really end it right away just because something felt "so right" again? I think I would be scared out of my mind, and mad at myself for believing again...probably turn into one of those paranoid, jealous, nagging girlfriends because of it... but I don't think I could end it. Man, I'm REALLY starting to hate that a$$hole ex of yours!!

[NJRon]

In a way, I thnk it may be a good thing to not believe someone is "forever". It keeps you from taking them for granted.

[lgirl]

hey mystik,

 

hahahahaha, i WISH you would kick his * * * * *!! thank you so much for saying that!! i know exactly how you feel - i think we pretty much feel the same (oh twins!! lol) and it saddens me greatly that this is now my perspective - ie any hope or optimism has been wiped (i am usually a romantic-idealistic kinda gal - but look where it got me!). i am only now just managing to keep the resulting depression it caused at bay, but it is touch and go (and a few months ago i felt suicidal b/c it all looked so bleak). i too look at couples now and notice the small signs that will some day result in them breaking up - it's like, yeah, they might be in a r/shp but see how she's more in to him or vice versa; i really check the body language these days - even today at lunch noticed a couple and she was holding his arm and all i could register was he's not that into her or he'd be holding her hand, making more effort... it never occurred to me before - i'd just assume they were in a r/shp and would wonder how they found each other etc. what a joke, eh?

 

Could you really end it right away just because something felt "so right" again? I think I would be scared out of my mind, and mad at myself for believing again...probably turn into one of those paranoid, jealous, nagging girlfriends because of it... but I don't think I could end it

hahaha, yes i would be scared and mad at myself, but i think i'd have to. i can't tell you how much i DREAD having feelings for another guy or hearing him tell me how in love with me he is. i think i will have to break the habit of a lifetime and NOT let sentiment blind me (as it did with my ex), not worry about someone else's feelings as i've always done to my own detriment. put mine first for once!! of course, now i have issues about infidelity which i never had before, so i feel screwed on the r/shp front. i think if any guy ever approaches the cruelty my ex showed me, i think i'll end up killing him (for real!). the bottom line is i will never let anyone hurt me like that again - it's not worth it and i refuse to pay such a high price again.

 

wish i knew what the answer was. right now i'm trying to focus on my plans to move to NY (where the a$$hole lives, tho' i'll be avoiding his neighbourhood) from London - if i can do that and experience some success (actually just getting over there even if it's for a few months) will be my revenge; making a success of my life will be the best revenge i have finally realised, tho' i am still tempted to get revenge in negative ways, but i am trying not to sink to that level (the tempation is great tho'! lol). almost one year on and it's me who's in the stronger position - he still hasn't got a job i hear and there i was working myself into the ground doing 2 jobs at one point last yr, but that's how i made the $$ to get over to NY this may (fingers crossed!). it is very scary for me b/c i'm now doing it on my own (i was supposed to marry the ex and move to brooklyn) and now i don't know anyone there... but i have to at least try or he will have robbed me of that dream too and it was a dream i had long before i met him.

 

so what's the deal with yr ex - he sounds like a s*** as well?

[NJRon]

I know of a few people on this board that are in the New York area. Plus, it's next to impossible not to meet people there. I don't think you'll have much of a problem.

[Dako]

I hope you girls are just letting off some well-deserved steam.

As a guy, your anger is pretty frightening to read!

[mystik]

lol, I don't think I sound angry, maybe Igirl but that ex * * *#@!! of hers seems to have been really awful to have driven her to that point!

 

My ex isn't exactly that bad... it wasn't because of his character that makes me so 'jaded.' He was a good guy till the end...but that's when he started pulling away and things because I think he wanted me to dump him so he wouldn't feel so bad. I was too absorbed in my love to even realize it. It hurt real bad because he said it was because he had fallen for his best girl friend. We had a seemingly perfect relationship, never fought, never disagreed, always had a good time...until he dropped the bombshell. I, in a way, never saw it coming. That's what scares the heck out of me. Something so great didn't end because we were having problems within our relationship, but because he started liking HER. He liked us both and didn't know what to do. When he started acting a bit strange, I told him that whatever he did, to not waste my time. The next day, I was dumped. I suppose he saw it wasn't fair to me that he could love me and also think he liked someone else. It makes me angry because he said he had started falling for her a month before. In a way, I feel like he emotionally cheated on me with her. They spend every night together studying, they go out together all the time because they live one floor above one another on campus. I live off campus. I trusted him when he said there was nothing going on. So every day he hung out with her for a month knowing he liked her as he 'tested' how much he did, and if it was enough to dump me over for.

 

It killed me...but the relationship I can get over. What I can't get over is how sure I was, and then I was wrong. I don't think I can ever let myself believe in certainty again. Maybe I will one day, but I doubt it. Maybe time will heal the way we look at things...lots of time..LOL. LOTS.

 

I think it's great that you're putting your emotions into getting your 'revenge' by becoming more successful and happy. Yeah sometimes I want my revenge...I want to tell her he always thinks the grass is greener on the other side...I want to hook up with his friends who hit on me when I go to the campus club (I find that strange and I don't know what to do considering it's only been a month...do guys not have the same 'don't date friend's exes' code that females have? NJRon, Dako?) But I think it's just best to have him think that I don't give a crap to even waste time on him.

 

Do you what you need to do re: your dreams. I feel the same way. Before him, I've always wanted to travel on my own and meet as many people as I could. As soon as we broke up, I started planning a trip to Quebec, Toronto, and some other places on the other side of the country. I'm doing it on my own - and i'm going to have a blast - because I can. New York is probably the best place to get a new start! I wish I could do that. You could probably keep yourself so busy there.

 

OK that was a long post..lol. I'm done for now

 

P/S - Lol Dako, all females are like this..ALL!!

[Dako]

LOL!

 

I understand venting. I've been at it a bit,too.

Trust is a tough thing to struggle with, and for a while I didn't trust anyone about anything. Even traffic lights seemed out to get me.

Life goes on and you can trust again. You have to.

[lgirl]

NJRon - thank you for saying that - i hope so!!! i really need the NY thing to work out for me, tho' i'm trying to look at that just getting there even if it's for a coupla months is an achievement in itself - one that i didn't think i had any hope of realising, even just 2 months ago i couldn't see a way forward...

 

Dako - yes, i AM angry - my ex has more than incurred my wrath for what he did to me and i will never forgive him. i hope he rots in hell!! haha. as a guy you have nothing to afraid of unless you're the kind of a$$hole that lies and cheats and i don't think you are as for trust, i'm done with all that - look where it got me!

 

hey mystik,

 

your ex sounds immature to the hilt and a real loser - that was a really crappy, selfish thing to do to you. how come you don't see it as cheating on you? emotionally and physically - that's tough. you ARE better off without an idiot like that!!

 

It killed me...but the relationship I can get over. What I can't get over is how sure I was, and then I was wrong. I don't think I can ever let myself believe in certainty again.

 

that's how i feel - i can handle the fact the r/shp ended, what i can't get over is his cruelty. all he had to do was talk to me, yet he betrayed me in so many ways. took something that was healthy and clean and special and dragged it down to gutter level, ran to others with our 'gripes' (god knows what he said - i was criminally misrepresented), people who have their own agendas and were jealous of his r/shp with me, and he let them help him destroy it publicly. they knew it was over before i did. then to cap it all he betrayed me with a woman he had previously told me a whole year earlier that i would laugh at if i ever saw her b/c she's so fat. he told me how seeing her with her on-off bf (his friend!) cracked him up b/c she can hardly walk she's so big!! even tho' he said it was a mistake getting with her, he muddied the waters further by still going round to hers as a friend (to avoid being at home with his jehovah's witness mother going on at him to get a job), but letting everyone else think differently - she was desperate to get with him (depserate to have any man really)... i could go on, but you get the picture.

 

so that + the fact i can't believe how wrong i got him have left me so bruised. it has been a LONG road to get to the part i'm at now - ie trying to get myself to NY - and i have felt incredibly damaged by the whole experience. i'm still struggling with depression and now i face the 'anniversary' of it all going sour + the bust-up. i am hoping that once i get past march-april, i will finally be on my way to putting this painful experience behind me. i still can't accept how one person could bring me so low and that i made such a huge msitake